Week 48, Day 333 - "At The Starbucks"

“At The Starbucks”

Written by Joe Janes

12/17/09

333 of 365

CAST

Joe, 30s

Rachel, 20s

Ben, 40s

Bernie, 40s

Hanna, 30s

Alexis, 20s

(Lights up on Joe at the counter of a Starbucks. Rachel is waiting on him. Ben, the manager, is cleaning a counter. Bernie sits at a table with his laptop open. Hanna sits at another table, reading a book. Alexis is at a station adding cream and sugar to her coffee drink.)

RACHEL

Another Grande Earl Grey with one tea bag. Anything else?

JOE (puts two dollars down)

That’ll do it.

RACHEL (gives him change.)

$1.98 Here you go.

JOE

Keep it.

RACHEL

Thanks.

(We see her drop two coins, one at a time, into her tip jar.)

RACHEL (continuing)

Thanks, a lot. Who are these people? They come here every day and spend hours upon hours here.

BEN

So do we.

RACHEL

We get paid for it.

BEN

Barely.

RACHEL

What’s their deal?

(Joe looks around the room and sees the other people all in their own worlds, but checking him out slyly. He finds a chair and sits. He begins to sing.)

JOE

At the Starbucks

At the Starbucks

My life is in flux

At the Starbucks

HANNA

I come here cuz

My house is a mess

And drinking coffee’s

Less than cigarettes

BERNIE

I’m sitting here

Cuz I’m a writer

Staring at nothing

Hope to look brighter

JOE, BERNIE AND HANNA

At the Starbucks

At the Starbucks

My life is in flux

At the Starbucks

RACHEL

Missed an audition

Cuz I had to work

No one will cover

Manager’s a jerk

BEN

I’m working here

Cuz I lost my job

Everyone here thinks

I’m such a knob (Rachel - me, too)

JOE, BERNIE, HANNA, RACHEL AND BEN

At the Starbucks

At the Starbucks

My life is in flux

At the Starbucks

ALEXIS (the Bridge, a little samba-y shift in the music)

I don’t go to bars

I promised my mom

JOE

Starbucks is cheaper

Than Match-dot-com

ALEXIS

Drink so much coffee

Makes me want to dance

JOE

I’m not dancing

I’m peeing my pants

ALL

At the Starbucks

At the Starbucks

Life just plain sucks

At the Starbucks.

(Blackout)

Week 34, Day 232 - "I Hate Cleaning"

“I Hate Cleaning”

Written by Joe Janes

9/7/09

232 of 365

Cast:

Larry, 30s

Christine, 30s

(Lights up on Larry walking into his living room carrying a single sock. He looks around and sees the other sock under the sofa. He retrieves it. He moves stacks of papers on his sofa so he can sit and put the socks on. Before he puts them on, though, he was to wipe off the bottoms of his feet. He puts on one sock. His phone rings. He looks around the room. He hops over to a small table and picks up his cell phone.)

LARRY

Hello?... Hi, Christine… I was just killing some time before our date tidying up. You know me. Love to clean. We still meeting at Lucky’s… Oh, you are? Um, sure. Come on by..If you want to…(He looks around his apartment) How much time do I have before you…? Ten minutes. Sure. Fins. No problem. See you in ten. Buh-bye. (He hangs up. He is still on one foot.) Crap! Crap, crap, crap. (He puts on his other sock. Why do women do this? This is clearly a test to see how I keep my place. It’s not that I’m a slob, I just hate cleaning.

(Music starts. As Larry sings, he cleans, sometimes doing what he is singing, sometimes just shoving large piles of things under and behind other things.)

I hate cleaning

I hate cleaning

I really, really, really hate cleaning

I hate cleaning

I never know where to start

The kitchen sink is loaded

The bathroom has a deep funk

The dust bunnies are bloated

I should wipe down this mirror

But all I have is steel wool (He uses his sleeve)

Hey the dresser is empty (He throws magazines or newspapers into a dresser)

Because the laundry basket’s full

I hate cleaning

I hate cleaning

I really, really, really hate cleaning

I hate cleaning

Can’t I just do it once and be all done

Seem I just swept the floor a month ago

Where the hell do all these cobwebs come from

What the hell is this, Tollhouse cookie dough (He finds a lump on the floor and eats it)

I’ve lost girlfriends over my messy home

It’s not good if your place makes your date sneeze

Wrap it all in plastic, even the cat

The litter smells spring fresh thanks to Febreez (He sprays the cat box and his feet with Febreez)

I hate cleaning

I hate cleaning

I really, really, really hate cleaning

I hate cleaning

I could spend the money on a maid

But that’s the lazy cheater’s way out

I’d much rather clean it like a man

Guess that’s why my closet smells like trout

(The doorbell rings. Larry opens it.)

Christine. Come on in.

(Christine enters with the slow and intent eye of an inspector.)

CHRISTINE

Why, hello, Larry…

I could not wait for our third date

Sorry to suddenly stop by

If I’m to invest into your stock

Need to check out your pigsty

LARRY (speaking)

Hey, well, you know, I am a guy…

CHRISTINE (singing)

This really isn’t so bad

Believe me I’ve seen much worse

Most men only want a maid

Looks like I’ve lifted my curse

LARRY (speaking)

Hey, that’s great.

(singing)

I hate cleaning

I hate cleaning

I really, really, really hate cleaning

I love having cleaned.

CHRISTINE (seductively)

The bedroom, I take it, is in here.

(She exits)

LARRY

Oh, shit.

(Christine screams. Blackout)

Week 32, Day 218 - “A Gospel Song for Atheists”

“A Gospel Song for Atheists”
Written by Joe Janes
8/24/09
218 of 365

CAST
Duke, 20s
Lacey, 20s
Zip, 20s
Chip, 30s
Daria, 30s
Molly, 40s

(Lights up on Duke, Lacey, and Zip playing dominoes. Off to the side, Chip and Daria play darts. Molly enters. She enters with a can of beer. She sits away from everyone else and pops it open.)

CHIP

Hey, Sarge. What’s up?

MOLLY

You guys hear about Keith?

DARIA

Yah. We heard. It sucks.

ZIP

I didn’t hear.

LACEY

Keith got hit.

ZIP

Sniper?

DUKE

Volvo. He was jay walking.

CHIP

Come all the way across the world to put your life on the line for your country and get killed by a car. Shit. I could have done that at home.

MOLLY

At least he’s in a better place.

CHIP

Depends on who you ask.

DARIA

What’s that mean? Keith was a good guy.

ZIP

Dude’s in heaven.

LACEY

Keith was an atheist. Don’t you have to believe in heaven to get into heaven?

DUKE

I don’t think that excludes you. Maybe it's like a surprise party. “Surprise – you’ve reached the golden gates.”

MOLLY

If you ask the Muslims, the ones we’re fighting for or against on any given day, they’ll tell you we’re all going to hell regardless of what we do.

ZIP

They actually are pro killing people to get into heaven.

LACEY

And they set you up with 27 virgins if you do. Is that really a plus? Getting hooked up with a room full of Dukes?

DUKE

Hey!

CHIP (singing)

People trying to get into heaven
sure makes it hell of earth
Christians claim to be very wise men
Who believe in virgin birth

CHORUS (ALL)

Shine a light
Show the way
Are they right?
Do I really have to pray?

DARIA

So many religions all with their own take

MOLLY

Trying to figure out why I’m fighting Shiites and Sunnis

ZIP

Is it for God, Muhammad or Joseph Smith’s sake?

DARIA

I remember growing up only fearing the Moonies

MOLLY (speaking)

At the airport.

DARIA (speaking)

That’s right.

CHIP

All we have is our brief moment in time
We’re on this planet separate, but equal
When we’ve taken our last breath, all is sublime
That’s it, it’s over, there’s not even a sequel

CHORUS (ALL)

Shine a light
Show the way
Are they right?
Does it matter what they say?

LACEY (bridge)

What if one of them is right or maybe it’s all
Methodist or Mormon or flying spaghetti
We just have to do something to avoid a fall (to hell)
We just have to believe in something and not be petty

CHIP

You think we do end up wherever we believe

MOLLY

If we have faith in nothing, the lights just get turned off

DUKE

When you kiss that bus or bullet you go on permanent leave

ZIP

The grim reaper just grabs your balls and tells you to cough

CHORUS (ALL)

Turn off the light
There is no way
No one is right
Better just live for the day

(Air raid sirens start going off – They all look at one another. Duke crosses himself, Zip kisses his rosary beads, Molly says a quick prayer, Chip quickly meditates, Daria kisses her Star of David, and Lacey faces Mecca and quickly does a Muslim salat prayer ritual

ALL

Better just live for the day

(Blackout)

Week 29, Day 198 - “The Ding Dong Song”

“The Ding Dong Song”
Written by Joe Janes
8/4/09
198 of 365

CAST
Mrs. Gruber, 60s

(Lights up on Mrs. Gruber in her classroom with a school bell. She stands before the class. In the corner, we see an empty chair facing the wall. She rings the bell seven times.)

MRS. GRUBER (warbling)

I’m your school bell ding-dong-ding,
Boys and girls all hear me ring,
Every time I ding-dong-ding
Come with me to play and sing,
Ding-dong-ding-dong-ding-dong-ding

(Speaking)
Hello boys and girls. How are you today? Oh, that’s wonderful. We’re going to learn so many exciting things today. We’ll learn to blow bubbles, make turkeys with our hands, how to skip rope and how to keep others from taking things from you that don’t belong to them, like your dignity or lawn ornaments.

(Warbling)
I will teach you many a thing,
Math, history and reading,
You can cut mom’s apron string,
Swim without a water wing,
Ding-dong-ding-dong-ding-dong-ding

(Speaking)
How old are you? Do you know? Can you show me with your fingers how old you are? Oh, that’s very good. I’d show you how old I am with my fingers, but the arthritis makes it difficult to distinguish my fives from big, lumpy ones. Let’s just say Mrs. Gruber is older than you and has a lot to share about life. You know how some of you, and you know who you are, sometimes worry about wetting yourself? I know, I know. It happens. Does your mother make you wear rubber pants? Nothing to be ashamed about. You’ll grow out of it. And then, years later, you’ll grow back into it. Rubber pants and all.

(Warbling)
I have lessons big and small,
Learn to walk while others crawl,
Soaring’s good, it’s bad to fall,
You’re fine with me, you’re on the ball,
Ding-dong-ding-dong-ding-dong-ding

(Speaking)
That’s right, children. We’re here to learn. And to learn means doing what I say, when I say. Listen and learn. Do you know what I mean when I say to listen? Listening is very important. Open ears and a closed mouth will help get you through life.

(Warbling)
Play by my rules, I’ll be fair,
You’ll live a life without care,
If you kick, shout, spit or swear,
You’ll sit out the year in that chair (points to chair in corner,
Ding-dong-ding-dong-ding-dong-d-i-i-i-i-i-ing

(Blackout)

Week 12, Day 80 - “I Like You Better When You’re Nude”

“I Like You Better When You’re Nude”
Written by Joe Janes
4/8/09
80 of 365

CAST:
Ralph, 20-30s
Lucy, 20-30s

(Lights up on Ralph setting a dinner table for a romantic evening.)

RALPH

Dinner’s almost ready, Lucy.

(Lucy enters looking hot, putting in earrings.)

LUCY

Candle lit dinner, Ralph? What’s the big occasion?

RALPH

It’s our anniversary.

LUCY

We’re not married.

RALPH

Our one-year anniversary of going out, Silly. Our six-month anniversary of living together. We talked about this.

LUCY

Oh, I totally forgot. I told my girlfriends I’d meet them at Hi-Tops for Ladies Night.

RALPH

I’ve been planning this for weeks-

(Lucy lifts the hem of her skirt, flashing Ralph her lower lady parts.)

LUCY

Look at this stain. Dog gone it. I’ll have to change.

(She exits.)

RALPH

It’s so hard to stay mad at you.

(Cue medium tempo music.)

Relationships can be so dang hard,
Emotional swirly for a dude,
Hot girls can burn and leave you scarred,
But it’s anesthesia when they’re nude.

(Ralph sits. Lucy re-enters in a robe and opens it close to Ralph’s face.)

LUCY

Does this look like herpes, again?

(He looks, at first in disgust and then enchanted.)

RALPH

Full frontal hoo-hoo kills all reason,
Like kryptonite to my attitude,
To deny it would be my treason,
I like you better when you are nude.

RALPH

Oh, I can hardly tell, pumpkin.

(He starts to reach his hand out to touch it.)

LUCY (exiting)

Okay. Don’t want to scare anybody.

RALPH

When you have bad news to deliver,
Don’t worry about being too rude,
It might stick me like a glass sliver,
Just break it to me when you are nude.

LUCY (entering)

Can I borrow fifty bucks do buy my ex-husband a birthday present?

(She opens her robe.)

RALPH

That asshole? Sure, my wallet’s on the –

LUCY (exiting)

I already got it, thanks.

RALPH

Is he going to be there-?

I dreamt about loving a goddess,
It makes me feel manly and so shrewd,
It means I won life’s big game of chess,
Seeing you frolic naked and nude.

LUCY (entering in a new dress)

By the way, I’m pregnant.

RALPH

Is that good news or bad news?

LUCY

Well, it’s either yours, your brother’s, my ex-husband’s, or Pauly Shore’s.

(She opens her blouse.)

RALPH

I’ll raise it as if it were my own.

It’s such a delight seeing you bare,
Like a Playboy model come to life,
Your curves melt away all woe and care,
I’d love it, Luce, if you’d be my wife.

(He gets down on one knee and opens up a ring box. She takes the ring and puts it in the pocket of her robe.)

LUCY

No. But, thanks. You know, I thought I was in love with you, Ralph. Guess I was wrong. I’ll stay until our lease runs out and then move in with someone else.

RALPH

Oh, my God.

(He collapses on the floor. She stands over his head. He looks up.)

LUCY

I’ll still need you to pay child support. Unless I get an abortion. Then I’ll need you to pay for that. Is that okay?

RALPH

I think that’s fine.

LUCY (singing the bridge)

A man’s brain is made out of penises and clay,
I just grab the stuff I want when I want it,
My rich and pretty momma always used to say,
If you (oo-oo) have got it...flaunt it.

(She thrusts out her chest and she exits.)

RALPH

Your flesh is a Snuggy for my brain,
Only in my head do I get screwed,
You are the candy without the cane,
Still, I like you better when you’re nude.

LUCY (from the door)

Can you come pick me up when we’re done partying?

RALPH

You just broke up with me. Besides, I have to work in the morning-

LUCY

Picture me naked.

RALPH

Okay. Call me when you’re done.

(He sighs and smiles. Lights fade as a reprise of music from the song plays out.)

Week Six, Day Thirty-Seven - "The C-E-Yo's (a rap song)"

(This is Tuesday's piece. I posted it after midnight.)

The C-E-Yo’s (a rap song)
Written by Joe Janes
2/24/09
37 of 365

CAST:
Holmes, 50s
Yo-Yo, 50s
Senator, 60s

(Lights up on two businessmen begging for money on a street corner. At their feet is a champagne bucket for catching change. Holmes holds a sign that says “Need Money for Gas for Jet.” Yo-Yo holds a sign that says “Will Relinquish Bonuses For Expense Acc’t.”)

HOLMES

Man, Yo-Yo, ain’t nobody giving it up today.

YO-YO

Never thought I’d be out on the street like this, Holmes, begging for change (kicks bucket).

HOLMES

Man, it’s hard out here for a CEO.

YO-YO

People just don’t appreciate.

HOLMES

Just yesterday, we were CEOs of multi-billion dollar corporations.

YO-YO

You know what we are today?

HOLMES & YO-YO

We be the C-E-Yo’s!

(A fresh rap beat kicks in)

HOLMES

This economy is driving me crazy.

YO-YO

It means I have to work and I’m so lazy.

HOLMES

I’m making changes all over my damn life.

YO-YO

Staying married, can’t pay to divorce my wife.

HOLMES

My mistress expects diamonds or thinks I’m a bum.
Try to fool her with cubic zirconium.

YO-YO

Guess I’ll sell my private jet and fly first class.

HOLMES

I’ll fire my valet; have my wife dress my ass.

YO-YO

Send for my tailor, have him tighten my belt.

HOLMES

Never thought my golden parachute might melt.

CHORUS

We’re the C-E-Yo’s (yo)
Hard times are all about
We’re the C-E-Yo’s (yo)
You’ve got to bail us out!

YO-YO

Big parties with ice sculptures won’t be the same.

HOLMES

Less coke and hookers, Obama is to blame.

YO-YO

C’mon bail us out

HOLMES

Empty all your pockets (Can’t you see I’m crying)

YO-YO

C’mon bail us out

HOLMES

Sell some ammo and rockets (Iraq is buying)

YO-YO

I live in a mansion behind gated walls.
I need bucks or live in a box by the falls.

HOLMES (speaking)

Yo-Yo, it’s that bad?

YO-YO (speaking)

No, Holmes, that was for dramatic effect.

(Back to rapping)

Give me more moo-la or I’ll let some peeps go.

HOLMES

Kick his gardener on the street.

YO-YO

Hoeing with ho’s!

(They laugh and high five each other. A U.S. senator walks by and the rap goes on hold.)

YO-YO

Senator! Senator! C’mon, help us out.

HOLMES

Can’t you see we’ve fallen on tough times?

YO-YO

Tough times that aren’t our fault.

(The senator looks at them disapprovingly. They give him big puppy dog eyes. The senator sighs, pulls out his wallet, and drops a bill into the champagne bucket. He walks off. Holmes and Yo-Yo dive for the bill and bring it up together.)

HOLMES

A lousy billion-dollar bill! Cheapskate!

YO-YO

What are we supposed to do with a measly billion? Buy Starbucks?

(The rap kicks back in for a big finish.)

CHORUS

We’re the C-E-Yo’s (yo)
Hard times are all about
We’re the C-E-Yo’s (yo)
You’ve got to bail us out!

(They pose at the finish of the song. Blackout.)

Week One, Day Seven - "Babies Are Assholes"

Babies Are Assholes
Written by Joe Janes
1/25/09
7 of 365

CAST:
GUNNAR, 20’s
STACY, 20’s
DRUMMER
KEYBOARDIST

(Lights up on Stacy and Gunnar. They are a young, hip fashionable rock and roll couple sitting on the sofa of his living room. He strums an electric guitar as she curls up next to him.)

STACY

I’m glad you finally got to meet my parents, Gunnar.

GUNNAR

I’m glad you finally got to meet my guitar, Stacy.

STACY

I like your guitar.

GUNNAR

My guitar likes you, too.

STACY

My parents really liked you.

GUNNAR

Ned and Felicia are pretty cool, in a parent-y sort of way.

STACY

We have so much in common.

(Gunnar nods. long pause)

STACY

We should probably start thinking about the future.

GUNNAR

You mean, like, spaceships?

STACY

I mean like maybe us getting married some day. Or maybe just living together.

GUNNAR

Marriage is cool. Living together is cool, too. We could do both.

STACY

And we could start a family.

GUNNAR

What?

STACY

You know, have a baby, or two.

GUNNAR

No way. Unh-uh. I hate children.

STACY

But Gunnar, they wouldn’t be just any children. They would be our children.

GUNNAR

I’d like ‘em better if they weren’t.

STACY

But, Gunnar. Why?

GUNNAR

Why? I’ll tell you why…

(slow and melodic, accompanied by his electric guitar)

They come in to this world a bundle of sweet joy
Like a baby Godzilla - they eat and destroy
They stretch out your vagina to the size of a hat
While my wallet shrinks down to the size of a gnat

All they do is eat and puke and drool and cry and poo,
They’ll never clearly tell you what they want you to do
The baby is your schedule, all your sleep is gone
What is it about babies that makes them carry on?

(A drummer and keyboardist join in and the tune kicks into a high energy rock and roll Me First and the Gimmee Gimmees sort of ditty.)

CHORUS (GUNNAR AND BAND)

Babies are assholes (wah, wah, wah)
Babies are assholes (wah, wah, wah)
Babies are assholes (wah, wah, wah)
Just shut the fuck up

GUNNAR

You have to keep them warm, you have to keep them dry,
They don’t come with instructions or any helpful guide
You have to take them with you wherever you go
Their head is so big cuz of their massive ego

They don’t care about the plans you make
All they do is take and take and take
They pay you back in stinky diapers,
I’d rather raise a nest of vipers

CHORUS (GUNNAR AND BAND)

Babies are assholes (wah, wah, wah)
Babies are assholes (wah, wah, wah)
Babies are assholes (wah, wah, wah)
Just shut the fuck up

Babies are assholes (you already ate)
Babies are assholes (I’m watching TV)
Babies are assholes (It’s all about you)
Wah, wah, wah!

(BRIDGE) STACY

We were all babies once
Just as cute as can be

GUNNAR

Why can’t they come out full grown?

STACY

Don’t want that coming out of me.

Babies are life affirming
Babies are so sweet

GUNNAR

They only come in handy
When pitbulls need to eat

STACY

Babies can be noisy
And they need you near

GUNNAR

Why would you need a baby when-

STACY (caressing Gunnar)

I already have my baby here.

CUT TO EVERYONE SINGING IN SWEET A CAPELLA HARMONY

Rock-a-bye baby, in the tree top…

GUNNAR (spoken)

Stacy, why’s that stupid baby in a tree?

STACY(spoken)

Because, Gunnar…

EVERYONE

Babies are assholes (wah, wah, wah)
Babies are assholes (wah, wah, wah)
Babies are assholes (wah, wah, wah)
(quick shift to slow, Gunnar all alone)
Somebody change me

(I highly recommend someone fashion a percussion bead-filled shaker thingy out of a baby doll for Stacy to play during the final chorus. Get it? Shake the baby to get the cool sound.)

(Lights out)