Week 26, Day 179 - “Never Been Ruffied”

“Never Been Ruffied”
Written by Joe Janes
7/16/09
179 of 365
(Based on a premise by Val d'Orito and title suggested by Blair Bogin)

CAST:
Valerie, 20s
William, 20s
Homeless Guy, 50s

(Lights up on Valerie sitting on a park bench nibbling at a sandwich, but clearly having something weighing on her mind. Off behind her is a homeless guy rummaging through a garbage can. William enters, carrying his brown bag lunch. He kisses Valerie on the cheek and sits down.)

WILLIAM

Sorry, I’m late. The Monday morning staff meeting went longer than it was supposed to, or needed to. (Valerie doesn’t respond.) How are things going at the brokerage firm?

VALERIE

Oh, you know…

WILLIAM

What’s wrong, Valerie?

VALERIE

Blair didn’t come in to work today.

WILLIAM

Oh. Everything all right?

VALERIE

She got ruffied over the weekend.

WILLIAM

That’s horrible. Did she know the guy?

VALERIE

I didn’t get the details. William, do you know anyone who’s been ruffied?

WILLIAM

Not really. In college, I heard about-

VALERIE

Six of my friends have been ruffied. And now Blair makes seven.

WILLIAM

It’s a fucked up world.

VALERIE

What’s wrong with me?

WILLIAM

Nothing. You’re perfect.

VALERIE

You’re just saying that because you love me.

WILLIAM

Sorry.

VALERIE

Am I not pretty enough? I know I’m conventionally pretty.

WILLIAM

Valerie…

VALERIE

Maybe it’s not all about looks, though. Maybe I’m too easy. If a guy thinks he can get somewhere with you, he’s not going to waste a ruffie on you.

WILLIAM

I’m sure Blair would be happy to trade places with you.

VALERIE

Fine with me, but the guy who ruffied her would obviously be disappointed.

WILLIAM

I’m sorry you’re not more attractive to douche bags.

VALERIE

You don’t know what it’s like.

WILLIAM

You’re right; I don’t know what it’s like to want to be molested.

VALERIE

William, I don’t want to be molested. It’s just that, I’ve never been molested. No creepy relative, no over attentive teacher or clergy. No sloppy, pathetic gropes from a nightclub drunk. Not even a closet lesbian college roommate. Jesus Christ, it can mess with a girl. I’ve never even been rubbed up against on a crowded train.

WILLIAM

Really? Sheesh, even I’ve had that happen.

VALERIE

Man or woman?

WILLIAM

Both. Same train ride.

VALERIE

I feel like a virgin that should be tossed into a volcano.

WILLIAM

Would you like me to rub up against you?

VALERIE

You don’t count.

WILLIAM

Thanks.

VALERIE

I want someone to find me so viscerally physically hot they can’t stand it. They just have to touch me. You know me too well. You like me for lots of different reasons. I want to know that I’m so smoking hot it makes someone go into heat and do stupid things, like whip it out on the bus and risk getting kicked off or arrested.

WILLIAM

You really want something like that?

VALERIE

At least once. It’s kind of a compliment.

(William sets his lunch down on the bench and Valerie continues to stare out. He whispers to the homeless guy who nods his head. The homeless guy walks up behind Valerie and sets his junk on her shoulder.)

VALERIE (continuing)

That is so sweet.

(William tries to give the man some money, but he waves him off.)

HOMELESS GUY

It’s on me.

VALERIE (noticing it’s not William and jumping up)

Ew!

(Blackout)

Week 22, day 153 - "Jerk Sandwich"

(This was posted after midnight Saturday)

“Jerk Sandwich”
Written by Joe Janes
6/20/09
153 of 365

CAST:
Dunbar, 30s
Kimmie, 20s

(Lights up on Dunbar, presumably an office drone, sitting on a park bench on his lunch break. He unpacks a sandwich. It is a fine sandwich. A few moments later, Kimmie walks by. She is an attractive young woman in a sundress. She clears the bench and pauses, looking off. She sits on the other end of the bench. Dunbar has noticed her, but continues to prepare to eat his sandwich. Kimmie looks introspective and quietly upset. She gets up and looks off, again. Dunbar takes a joyful bite out of his sandwich. As she stands there, she puts the back of her hand to her mouth and begins to cry, softly. Dunbar hears this and stops mid-chew. He watches her a moment as she tries to stifle her crying. Dunbar swallows. She self-consciously regains her composure and returns to the bench. Dunbar avoids eye contact with her. He slowly returns to chewing on his sandwich. Kimmie shakes and breaks down in tears. Dunbar finishes his chewy piece of sandwich and swallows. Kimmie quiets down, again. Dunbar, sensing she’s okay, picks up the sandwich and is about to take a big bite when Kimmie sighs. This stops him. He brings his sandwich to his mouth, again, and she sighs, again. He tries this a few times and she sighs a few times. He quietly puts his sandwich down in his lap and wraps it back up in a paper napkin. He looks at Kimmie suspiciously. She gets up again and looks off. Her phone rings She picks up.)

KIMMIE

Hello?...John…I am here…Did you think about what we talked about?...Really? You do?...Oh, John…I love you. I really love you… Oh – I see you. Over by the fountain. Throw in a penny and make a wish for me. For us. See you in sec… (She hangs up and is now beaming. She turns to Dunbar.) Have a nice day.

(She exits.)

DUNBAR (clearing his throat)

You, too!

(Dunbar returns to the business of his wonderful sandwich. He takes a bite. It just doesn’t taste any good any more. He puts it down and spits a bit of chewed sandwich into the napkin. He looks around and quietly starts crying. Lights fade.)