Written by Joe Janes
6/11/09
144 of 365
CAST
Kenny Spicerman, 30s
Joan, 30s
Bret, 30s
Matt, 50s
Announcer (VO)
(Lights up on Kenny wearing an earpiece-microphone sitting on a bar stool. He has index cards he’s flipping through. Behind him, is an easel with posters on it. The first poster, obviously handmade, says “Kenny Spicerman Tells You How To Rule Your World!” In front of him are several empty chairs. Joan sticks her head in the door and looks around. Kenny makes eye contact with her and she quickly ducks out.)
KENNY
Hey! Hey! Are you here for the seminar?JOAN (sheepishly re-entering)
Am I in the right place?KENNY
I’m Kenny Spicerman and I say, “you are always in the right place.” Have a seat, have a seat.JOAN
Okay.(She sits in the back row near the door.)
KENNY
You can sit closer, I won’t bite. JOAN
That’s okay.KENNY
Okay. I think we’re just going to wait a few minutes, in case some people got lost. You’ve got all these breakout sessions going on all over in this convention hall, you don’t know where you’ll end up. It’s crazy.JOAN
The guy across the hall is full. There’s people standing in the back and in the doorway.KENNY
Oh, yeah? Must be giving something away.JOAN
I don’t know. I couldn’t get in. I wanted to. It’s Matt Tarbock. He wrote that book “A Life More Extraordinary – Woo-Hoo!”.KENNY
Never heard of it.JOAN
He was on “Oprah.’KENNY
Oh, well. There you go. He was on “Oprah.” He could be handing out plastic baggies filled with dog poop and people would be, “Ooh, he was on ‘Oprah’.”JOAN
What’s your seminar about?KENNY
I am glad you asked…JOAN
Joan.KENNY
Joan! (sing-songy) Joan-on-the-phone. Got it. My seminar’s called “Kenny Spicerman Tells You How To Rule Your World.”JOAN
Are you Kenny Spicerman?KENNY
I am. JOAN
Do you have a book?KENNY
Yes, I do. Soon. It’s not out yet. I’m still working things out with the printer. Publisher. I do have a blog.(Bret shuffles in and looks around.)
KENNY (continuing)
Hi, are you here for the seminar?BRET
You giving any stuff away?KENNY
I am, indeed. Your name is…? BRET
Bret.KENNY
Bret. (sing-songy) Bret-needs-a-vet.BRET
Hey.KENNY
What kind of giveaway were you looking for Bret?BRET
I don’t know. T-shirt. Mug. Button.KENNY
What I’m giving away is more powerful and more valuable than any old t-shirt or mug or button.BRET
Those squeezey stress balls are pretty cool. KENNY
Bret! I’m going to tell you how you can rule your world. How does that sound?BRET
So, you don’t have anything.KENNY
Here. Here! (He digs in his pockets) I have 38 cents and a stick of gum. Okay?BRET
I guess.JOAN
I didn’t get anything.KENNY
Here, Joan. For you, I have…. A pen!BRET
Oh, yeah. Pens are cool, too.KENNY
I only have one.JOAN
The cap’s been chewed.KENNY
Part of the design. It’s rustic. Now, would anyone like to maybe hear the seminar?(They nod.)
KENNY (continuing)
Great. Great. Welcome. This seminar is called “Kenny Spicerman Tells You How To Rule Your World!”BRET
Who’s Kenny Spicerman?JOAN
He is.BRET
Oh. Go on.KENNY
Thanks, Bret, for letting me continue. Now, have either of you ever felt there’s a party going on in this world and you weren’t invited? BRET
Yeah. I do. All the time.JOAN
Me, too. Even when I’m at a party I was invited to. I feel like I’m crashing it.BRET
Me, too! I feel so out of place.KENNY
Then this seminar is for you. Now, is anyone in this room not a human being? Anyone? Raise your hand if you are not a human being.(Joan slowly raises her hand.)
KENNY (continuing)
Joan. You’re not a human being?JOAN
No. I am. I just thought you wanted someone to raise their hand.KENNY
Thank you, but no. So, to be clear, we are all human beings. You know what else we are? We are all human businessings.(He reveals his next poster, which simply says, written in marker, “We Are All Human Businessings”.)
BRET
I’m a human businessing?KENNY
You, Bret, are the CEO of Bret, Inc.BRET
Really?KENNY
Yes. And you, Joan, are the CEO of JoanCo.JOAN
I get it. I’m in charge of me. I run my own Joan.KENNY
That’s right. And who are your employees?JOAN
My employees?BRET
My hands. My hands are my employees.KENNY
Sure. Sure they are.JOAN
My positive attitude. Right? Please tell me I’m right.KENNY
You bet you’re right. You’re the boss of that positive attitude. You’re the main man who tells those hands where to go and what to do. BRET
Oh, my God! This is great, Kenny Spicerman! Do you have a book?KENNY
I do, but not with me. I have these order forms you can fill out (He hands them to Joan and Bret). Just give me your address and a check for $25 and I’ll send you the book. I’ll even sign it.BRET
Can I use your pen?JOAN
Better tell your hands to find their own pen, Mister.KENNY
That was my last pen.ANNOUNCER (VO)
Attention, ladies and gentlemen. The New You University Conference sponsored by Starbucks, Whole Foods and Michelin Tires will be meeting in the main room to raffle off a free two-week cruise to the Bahamas. Blackout dates apply. Many blackout dates apply. The two weeks may not be consecutive. The raffle will be in five minutes and you must be present to win.BRET
Gotta go!KENNY
But, we didn’t finish-BRET
I rule my world thanks to you, Kenny Spicerman. Feet, get your ass to the main room. Now! (He exits)
KENNY
You didn’t fill out-JOAN
Positive attitude, start working that mojo to get that cruise.(She exits. Kenny sits on his stool. Matt Tarbock enters. He wears a leather sports coat and matching leather pants.)
MATT
Hey, Kenny. Knock their socks off?KENNY
Yeah. Yeah, Matt. Hey, I saw you on “Oprah”. That was awesome.MATT
Are you heading to the main room?KENNY
Yeah, let me make sure I have my raffle ticket. (Pats his jacket). Crap. I must have left my wallet at home.MATT
I’ll buy you a ticket. Get you a coke, too.KENNY
To quote the master, “Woo-hoo!” Thanks, Matt. MATT
Your blog, by the way, has been a real inspiration to me. You should make it a book.KENNY
Thanks. I did make it a book. Sort of.(They walk off. Lights fade.)
