Written by Joe Janes
11/18/09
304 of 365
Cast:
Floyd, 40s
Cassandra, 12
Maria, 40s
(Lights up on Floyd doing dishes far stage left. Cassandra walks in.)
CASSANDRA
Dad?
FLOYD
Yes, Cassie?
CASSANDRA
Do you think Milton is in heaven?
FLOYD
Sure. I’m sure he’s up there right now chasing butterflies.
CASSANDRA
Is he allowed to eat the butterflies like he did in our backyard?
FLOYD
Oh, um, probably not. He’s probably allowed to chase them, but not eat them. They have rules in heaven. Like on earth.
CASSANDRA
If he killed butterflies here on earth, shouldn’t he be in hell?
FLOYD
Um, no. I don’t think so. I mean, we all kill bugs now and again, right. Like mosquitoes. I think it’s okay here.
CASSANDRA
They probably don’t have mosquitoes in heaven.
FLOYD
Probably not. Not with all their blood sucking. That’s why butterflies get in. No blood sucking. And they’re pretty. Like you.
CASSANDRA
Thanks, Dad. I feel better about Milton.
FLOYD
Good. Give me a kiss and go tell your mom “Dancing With The Stars” is on in twenty minutes.
(She does and exits over to far stage right where Maria sits in her easy chair reading the newspaper.)
CASSANDRA
Mom, Dad says “Dancing With The Stars” will be on in twenty minutes.
MARIA
Just enough time for me to finish reading the paper and head to the… library.
CASSANDRA
Mom, do you think Milton’s in heaven?
MARIA
No.
CASSANDRA
Why not?
MARIA
There’s no such thing as heaven. Just a figment of someone’s imagination. Made up so people don’t realize their life is crap and they’re too stupid to make it better. They bank on having a chance after they die.
CASSANDRA
What happens when we die?
MARIA
Nothing. Lights out. That’s it.
CASSANDRA
It will be like sitting alone in my bedroom in the dark.
MARIA
No, Cassandra, then you’d still exist. When you die, you stop existing. It’s like shutting off the TV or when your dad has too many margaritas. Your body, your mind, it all just shuts down.
CASSANDRA
That makes sense, but it’s fun to believe Milton’s in heaven chasing butterflies.
MARIA
Sure it is. But he’s not. He’s just a bunch of decaying flesh and bones in the backyard. Hey, tell your dad not to mess with the DVR when he’s watching “Dancing With The Stars.”
(Cassandra exits over to Floyd, who is now taking a cake out of the oven.)
CASSANDRA
Dad, mom says not to mess with the DVR when you watch “Dancing With The Stars.”
FLOYD
I never do. I don’t know why she thinks I do. I don’t even know how to use that thing.
CASSANDRA
Mom also says there is no heaven and when we die, that’s it. Nothing.
FLOYD
Well, some people believe that. Others don’t. It’s whatever you choose to believe.
CASSANDRA
Does believing make it real?
FLOYD
Well, you have to have faith. Like it says in the Bible. I choose to believe there’s a heaven and when we die, we’ll all be happy living there with Jesus.
CASSANDRA
Chasing butterflies?
FLOYD
Yes. Chasing butterflies with Jesus. And Milton. He’ll be there waiting for us.
CASSANDRA
Cool. What about mom? If she doesn’t believe in heaven, is she going to hell?
FLOYD
Sadly, yes. Tell your mom that if she goes to the “library” she needs to be back by ten o’clock or she sleeps on the couch.
(Cassandra exits and heads over to her mother who is still reading the paper.)
CASSANDRA
Mom says to be home by ten or sleep on the couch.
MARIA
I love that couch.
CASSANDRA
And she says you’re going to hell.
MARIA
Can’t.
CASSANDRA
Why not?
MARIA
I don’t believe in hell.
CASSANDRA
If you believed in it, would you go?
MARIA
Nope. It doesn’t exist. Can’t go somewhere if it doesn’t exist. No matter how much you believe in it. (She puts her paper down.) Here’s the thing, Cassandra. Don’t worry about what happens to you after you die. Worry about what happens to you here, now, while you’re alive. That’s the only thing you can do anything about. You know the difference between right and wrong?
CASSANDRA
When Milton brought you the paper, that was right. When he pooped on the rug, that was wrong.
MARIA
You get the idea. All you can do is try to get through life doing as many right things as possible. And if you do something wrong, don’t tell anyone.
(Maria grabs Cassandra’s hand and heads to the kitchen where Floyd is frosting a cake.)
MARIA (continuing)
Hey, Floyd. I’m going to the “library.” The TV is all yours. That cake for the church bake sale looks good.
FLOYD (kissing Maria on the cheek)
Thanks, Maria. It’s a butterfly in honor of Milton. Have fun studying.
(Maria exits. Floyd resumes frosting.)
CASSANDRA
Dad, if there is a hell, is there anything we can do to keep Mom from going there?
FLOYD
We can pray for her.
CASSANDRA
Will that help?
FLOYD
I don’t think it ever helps. But it will make us feel better. And, really, if you think about it, is it such a bad thing if your mother spends eternity in hell while we’re in heaven? More TV for us!
CASSANDRA AND FLOYD
Yeah!
(Floyd smacks Cassandra hard on the forehead.)
CASSANDRA
Dad!
FLOYD
Mosquito.
CASSANDRA
Go to hell, mosquito!
CASSANDRA AND FLOYD
Yeah!
(Blackout.)
