Wednesday, November 18, 2009

Week 44, Day 304 - "Not All Dogs Go To Heaven"

“Not All Dogs Go To Heaven”

Written by Joe Janes

11/18/09

304 of 365

Cast:

Floyd, 40s

Cassandra, 12

Maria, 40s

(Lights up on Floyd doing dishes far stage left. Cassandra walks in.)

CASSANDRA

Dad?

FLOYD

Yes, Cassie?

CASSANDRA

Do you think Milton is in heaven?

FLOYD

Sure. I’m sure he’s up there right now chasing butterflies.

CASSANDRA

Is he allowed to eat the butterflies like he did in our backyard?

FLOYD

Oh, um, probably not. He’s probably allowed to chase them, but not eat them. They have rules in heaven. Like on earth.

CASSANDRA

If he killed butterflies here on earth, shouldn’t he be in hell?

FLOYD

Um, no. I don’t think so. I mean, we all kill bugs now and again, right. Like mosquitoes. I think it’s okay here.

CASSANDRA

They probably don’t have mosquitoes in heaven.

FLOYD

Probably not. Not with all their blood sucking. That’s why butterflies get in. No blood sucking. And they’re pretty. Like you.

CASSANDRA

Thanks, Dad. I feel better about Milton.

FLOYD

Good. Give me a kiss and go tell your mom “Dancing With The Stars” is on in twenty minutes.

(She does and exits over to far stage right where Maria sits in her easy chair reading the newspaper.)

CASSANDRA

Mom, Dad says “Dancing With The Stars” will be on in twenty minutes.

MARIA

Just enough time for me to finish reading the paper and head to the… library.

CASSANDRA

Mom, do you think Milton’s in heaven?

MARIA

No.

CASSANDRA

Why not?

MARIA

There’s no such thing as heaven. Just a figment of someone’s imagination. Made up so people don’t realize their life is crap and they’re too stupid to make it better. They bank on having a chance after they die.

CASSANDRA

What happens when we die?

MARIA

Nothing. Lights out. That’s it.

CASSANDRA

It will be like sitting alone in my bedroom in the dark.

MARIA

No, Cassandra, then you’d still exist. When you die, you stop existing. It’s like shutting off the TV or when your dad has too many margaritas. Your body, your mind, it all just shuts down.

CASSANDRA

That makes sense, but it’s fun to believe Milton’s in heaven chasing butterflies.

MARIA

Sure it is. But he’s not. He’s just a bunch of decaying flesh and bones in the backyard. Hey, tell your dad not to mess with the DVR when he’s watching “Dancing With The Stars.”

(Cassandra exits over to Floyd, who is now taking a cake out of the oven.)

CASSANDRA

Dad, mom says not to mess with the DVR when you watch “Dancing With The Stars.”

FLOYD

I never do. I don’t know why she thinks I do. I don’t even know how to use that thing.

CASSANDRA

Mom also says there is no heaven and when we die, that’s it. Nothing.

FLOYD

Well, some people believe that. Others don’t. It’s whatever you choose to believe.

CASSANDRA

Does believing make it real?

FLOYD

Well, you have to have faith. Like it says in the Bible. I choose to believe there’s a heaven and when we die, we’ll all be happy living there with Jesus.

CASSANDRA

Chasing butterflies?

FLOYD

Yes. Chasing butterflies with Jesus. And Milton. He’ll be there waiting for us.

CASSANDRA

Cool. What about mom? If she doesn’t believe in heaven, is she going to hell?

FLOYD

Sadly, yes. Tell your mom that if she goes to the “library” she needs to be back by ten o’clock or she sleeps on the couch.

(Cassandra exits and heads over to her mother who is still reading the paper.)

CASSANDRA

Mom says to be home by ten or sleep on the couch.

MARIA

I love that couch.

CASSANDRA

And she says you’re going to hell.

MARIA

Can’t.

CASSANDRA

Why not?

MARIA

I don’t believe in hell.

CASSANDRA

If you believed in it, would you go?

MARIA

Nope. It doesn’t exist. Can’t go somewhere if it doesn’t exist. No matter how much you believe in it. (She puts her paper down.) Here’s the thing, Cassandra. Don’t worry about what happens to you after you die. Worry about what happens to you here, now, while you’re alive. That’s the only thing you can do anything about. You know the difference between right and wrong?

CASSANDRA

When Milton brought you the paper, that was right. When he pooped on the rug, that was wrong.

MARIA

You get the idea. All you can do is try to get through life doing as many right things as possible. And if you do something wrong, don’t tell anyone.

(Maria grabs Cassandra’s hand and heads to the kitchen where Floyd is frosting a cake.)

MARIA (continuing)

Hey, Floyd. I’m going to the “library.” The TV is all yours. That cake for the church bake sale looks good.

FLOYD (kissing Maria on the cheek)

Thanks, Maria. It’s a butterfly in honor of Milton. Have fun studying.

(Maria exits. Floyd resumes frosting.)

CASSANDRA

Dad, if there is a hell, is there anything we can do to keep Mom from going there?

FLOYD

We can pray for her.

CASSANDRA

Will that help?

FLOYD

I don’t think it ever helps. But it will make us feel better. And, really, if you think about it, is it such a bad thing if your mother spends eternity in hell while we’re in heaven? More TV for us!

CASSANDRA AND FLOYD

Yeah!

(Floyd smacks Cassandra hard on the forehead.)

CASSANDRA

Dad!

FLOYD

Mosquito.

CASSANDRA

Go to hell, mosquito!

CASSANDRA AND FLOYD

Yeah!

(Blackout.)

Week 44, Day 303 - "Abortion Lover"

“Abortion Lover”

Written by Joe Janes

11/17/09

303 of 365

Cast:

Al, 30s

Emma, 30s

(The stage is dark. We hear fumbling of keys. A door opens and the lights in Emma’s apartment turn on. Emma and Al are trying to move into the apartment while making out. They take off their coats and fumble their way to the sofa.)

EMMA (still kissing)

Sorry the place is a mess, Al.

AL (still kissing)

I didn’t notice, Emma.

EMMA (still kissing)

I don’t usually do this with a guy I just met.

AL (still kissing)

Me, either.

EMMA (still kissing)

Guess it’s just been so long.

AL (still kissing)

We’re only human.

EMMA (still kissing)

The wine helped.

AL (still kissing)

Wine always helps.

EMMA (still kissing)

You’re single, right? No girlfriend? No wife?

AL (still kissing)

Totally and completely single. And disease-free.

EMMA (still kissing)

Me, too. (Stops kissing) Do you have a condom?

AL

I have five hundred dollars.

EMMA

What?

AL

I have five hundred dollars. (He tries to kiss her and she holds him back.)

EMMA

I’m not a prostitute.

AL

Of course, you’re not. I wouldn’t pay that much. Oh, that didn’t sound right. Not that you’re not worth it. You’re worth more than that. Triple the amount. (Rolls his eyes.) Insert foot in mouth. The money’s in case you get pregnant. (He goes in for a kiss, again and she, again, holds him back.) You know, for an abortion.

EMMA

Whoa! Rather than spend a few bucks on a condom you’d rather spend five hundred on an abortion?

AL

Well, you know, what can I say? I really hate condoms. They’re not fun.

EMMA

You know what else is not fun… abortions.

AL

Well, no, I wouldn’t think they were. It’s a medical procedure. Sort of like getting a tooth pulled. Just saying, don’t worry, you’re covered. I’m your insurance. I’ll pay the bill and even give you a ride if you need one.

EMMA

What if I don’t want an abortion?

AL

Well, you can keep the baby, if you want. That’s your business.

EMMA

Wow. You better go, now.

AL

Look, Emma, I’m sorry if I said anything to offend you, but if you think about it… You’re what? Mid-30s? The odds of you getting pregnant are pretty slim.

EMMA

But you’d rather pay for an abortion than get some birth control.

AL

Look, you’re the one who’s not on the pill, which tells me you care about your body. As do I. That’s why I prefer an abortion to the morning after pill, which can have side effects. Side effects that may include changes in your period, nausea, lower abdominal pain, fatigue, headache, and dizziness. You get an abortion, you just walk it off.

EMMA

Al. Time for you to walk this off. Good night.

(She opens the door for him to leave.)

AL

All right, Emma. Too bad. I think we could have had some fun.

EMMA

Yeah. I’m all torn up inside. The same as if you had stayed.

AL

Call you-

EMMA

No. Good night.

(Al walks out. Emma closes the door. She sits back down on the sofa. The door opens.)

AL

I could pull out.

EMMA

If you don’t, I’ll cut it off.

(She exits into the bedroom. Al quickly follows. Blackout.)