Written by Joe Janes
9/27/09
252 of 365
CAST:
Matt, 50s
Brian, 40s
Stephen, 30s
Meme, 20s
Sharla, 20s
Bartender
(Lights up on Meme sitting at a small table sipping a drink. Sitting next to her is her friend, a heavyset woman named Sharla. Matt, Brian, And David enter. They all wear untucked striped dress shirts. They all see Meme and move towards her as one.)
MATT
Hey, there, little Filly.
BRIAN
What are you doing later?
STEPHEN
Let’s blow this popsicle stand.
(She tries to ignore them.)
MATT
I drive a big car.
BRIAN
I make lots of moo-la.
STEPHEN
Say –
MATT/BRIAN/STEPHEN
That’s a hot outfit.
MATT
The only thing that would make it look better would be not seeing it at all.
BRIAN
I’m really quite sensitive,
STEPHEN
My woman doesn’t understand me.
MATT/BRIAN/STEPHEN
I was bit by a dog when I was four.
MATT
You really turn me on.
BRIAN
Say-
STEPHEN
That perfume you’re wearing-
MATT/BRIAN/STEPHEN
I might just lose control.
MATT
What’s this in my Coke?
BRIAN
Relax-
STEPHEN
Baby-
MATT/BRIAN/STEPHEN
I’m not going to bite. Yet.
MATT
Let’s go to my place.
BRIAN
My parents are out of town.
STEPHEN
I think I might be gay.
MATT/BRIAN/STEPHEN
Will you help me?
MATT
You’d like me if you got to know me better.
BRIAN
Everyday, I’m either giving blood-
STEPHEN
Recycling-
MATT/BRIAN/STEPHEN
Humping the homeless.
MATT
Saving the rainforests.
BRIAN
The ozone.
STEPHEN
The whales.
MATT/BRIAN/STEPHEN
Well, not all the whales.
(They simultaneously all turn and look at Sharla.)
MATT/BRIAN/STEPHEN (continuing)
I like Oprah, Dr. Phil, Michael Booooo-blay. I like running marathons, biking the drive, and cleaning my oven.
MATT
Deep down-
BRIAN
Underneath-
STEPHEN
Buried deep beneath several layers of fat-
MATT/BRIAN/STEPHEN
I’m really very intuitive to what a woman needs. (They all three stick out their tongues and lap at a giant, imaginary vagina.) I really just want to get to know you better.
MEME (standing)
You’re pathetic. If you ever want to get anywhere with me physically, you first have to get somewhere with me mentally. You have to sincerely be interested in who I am... unless, of course, I’m drunk.
(She exits.)
MATT/BRIAN/STEPHEN
Can we buy you a drink?
(She does not respond.)
BARTENDER (offstage)
Last call!
(They turn their attention to Sharla.)
MATT
Hey, there, little Filly.
BRIAN
What are you doing later?
STEPHEN
Let’s blow this popsicle stand.
(Blackout.)
