Week 14, Day 98 - “Bonuses"

“Bonus”
Written by Joe Janes
4/26/09
98 of 365

CAST:
Mandy, 30s
Tyrell, 30s
Ed, 30s

(Lights up on three office workers. Mandy is handing out envelopes to the other two and holds one herself.)

MANDY

Don’t get your hopes up, everyone. They cut back on bonuses this year.

TYRELL

That sucks. We worked extra hard to make less this year.

ED

We kept the company afloat. We should get more. (They open their envelopes.) So, what’d everybody get?

TYRELL

A fifty-dollar bill.

MANDY AND ED

Ooh. Ouch. That hurts, etc.

ED (looks in envelope)

Don’t feel bad. All I got was a two dollar bill and someone wrote “Happy Birthday, Billy” on it in ballpoint pen.

MANDY AND ED

That’s pretty bad,Ed. Yikes, etc.

MANDY (looks in envelope)

Well, you all made out better than me. All I got was a free month of Netflix. It sucks being the CEO.

(Blackout)

Week Six, Day Thirty-Seven - "The C-E-Yo's (a rap song)"

(This is Tuesday's piece. I posted it after midnight.)

The C-E-Yo’s (a rap song)
Written by Joe Janes
2/24/09
37 of 365

CAST:
Holmes, 50s
Yo-Yo, 50s
Senator, 60s

(Lights up on two businessmen begging for money on a street corner. At their feet is a champagne bucket for catching change. Holmes holds a sign that says “Need Money for Gas for Jet.” Yo-Yo holds a sign that says “Will Relinquish Bonuses For Expense Acc’t.”)

HOLMES

Man, Yo-Yo, ain’t nobody giving it up today.

YO-YO

Never thought I’d be out on the street like this, Holmes, begging for change (kicks bucket).

HOLMES

Man, it’s hard out here for a CEO.

YO-YO

People just don’t appreciate.

HOLMES

Just yesterday, we were CEOs of multi-billion dollar corporations.

YO-YO

You know what we are today?

HOLMES & YO-YO

We be the C-E-Yo’s!

(A fresh rap beat kicks in)

HOLMES

This economy is driving me crazy.

YO-YO

It means I have to work and I’m so lazy.

HOLMES

I’m making changes all over my damn life.

YO-YO

Staying married, can’t pay to divorce my wife.

HOLMES

My mistress expects diamonds or thinks I’m a bum.
Try to fool her with cubic zirconium.

YO-YO

Guess I’ll sell my private jet and fly first class.

HOLMES

I’ll fire my valet; have my wife dress my ass.

YO-YO

Send for my tailor, have him tighten my belt.

HOLMES

Never thought my golden parachute might melt.

CHORUS

We’re the C-E-Yo’s (yo)
Hard times are all about
We’re the C-E-Yo’s (yo)
You’ve got to bail us out!

YO-YO

Big parties with ice sculptures won’t be the same.

HOLMES

Less coke and hookers, Obama is to blame.

YO-YO

C’mon bail us out

HOLMES

Empty all your pockets (Can’t you see I’m crying)

YO-YO

C’mon bail us out

HOLMES

Sell some ammo and rockets (Iraq is buying)

YO-YO

I live in a mansion behind gated walls.
I need bucks or live in a box by the falls.

HOLMES (speaking)

Yo-Yo, it’s that bad?

YO-YO (speaking)

No, Holmes, that was for dramatic effect.

(Back to rapping)

Give me more moo-la or I’ll let some peeps go.

HOLMES

Kick his gardener on the street.

YO-YO

Hoeing with ho’s!

(They laugh and high five each other. A U.S. senator walks by and the rap goes on hold.)

YO-YO

Senator! Senator! C’mon, help us out.

HOLMES

Can’t you see we’ve fallen on tough times?

YO-YO

Tough times that aren’t our fault.

(The senator looks at them disapprovingly. They give him big puppy dog eyes. The senator sighs, pulls out his wallet, and drops a bill into the champagne bucket. He walks off. Holmes and Yo-Yo dive for the bill and bring it up together.)

HOLMES

A lousy billion-dollar bill! Cheapskate!

YO-YO

What are we supposed to do with a measly billion? Buy Starbucks?

(The rap kicks back in for a big finish.)

CHORUS

We’re the C-E-Yo’s (yo)
Hard times are all about
We’re the C-E-Yo’s (yo)
You’ve got to bail us out!

(They pose at the finish of the song. Blackout.)