Week 45, Day 310 - "Something To Believe In"

“Something To Believe In”

Written by Joe Janes

11/24/09

310 of 365

CAST

Dani, 40s

Martin, 40s

Jillie, 40s

Gene, 30s

Nancy, 30s

(Lights up on Dani Collins seated in a chair. An empty chair is next to her. Martin stands between the empty chair and the door.)

MARTIN

Five down, twenty-five more to go. (She rolls her eyes at him.) You ready, Dani? The quicker we do these the quicker we’ll be through.

DANI

Hang on, Martin.

(She sits up. Takes a deep breath while shaking out her hands. She emerges from the process smiling. She nods to Martin who opens the door. Jillie enters. Jillie dresses casually and wears a cap, but has a somber, serious demeanor.)

JILLIE (sitting)

Hi.

DANI

Hi.

(Jillie looks to Martin.)

MARTIN

Oh. The camera’s rolling. Pick up where you need to. We’ll give you the raw stuff and you edit it however you want.

(Jillie nods, looks at Dani.)

JILLIE

5-4-3--… (She suddenly lights up and starts laughing.) Oh, hey, everybody, Jillie B. here with my new BFF Dani Collins. We’re having such a good time talking about her new movie, “Rosalita’s Thunder.” Dani, this movie is amazing-

DANI

You’ve seen it?

(Jillie’s face goes cold. She shakes her head a quick “no.”)

JILLIE

5-4-3… (She lights up, again) Dani, you’re new movie is amazing! Tell me, what was it like working with Bruce Nielson? Pretty hard work?

DANI

Well, Bruce is pretty talented, but it doesn’t hurt that he’s such eye candy.

JILLIE

Tell me, about it, girlfriend. Any sparks fly between you two off the set?

DANI

No, we kept our sparks limited to on the set. And we had a guy standing by with a fire extinguisher.

JILLIE (going cold again)

Why?

DANI

Because we heated things up. On the set.

(Jillie nods slowly, deep in thought.)

JILLIE

That’s good. “Standing by with a fire extinguisher”…5-4-3… (Jillie explodes laughing) Well, of course, you did. Sounds like you guys hit it off. Or should I say, hit it “hot.”

DANI

Really, it’s just a good movie. You should come see it.

JILLIE

You know I will, again. (Jillie laughs). You as Rosalita, I smell Oscar.

DANI

I smell Oscar Mayer.

JILLIE (going cold)

We’ll probably cut that. They’re not one of our sponsors. 5-4-3… (All smiles!) That’s all the time we have. Thank you, Dani. We have to get together more often, Angel.

DANI

We’ve never-

JILLIE

This is Jillie B with the Buzz-z-z-z-z-z in Hollywood. (Jillie goes all cold, again. She gets up and leaves without saying good-bye.)

DANI

These people are freaks.

MARTIN

Freaks that help you sell your movie so you can make another one and have a career. Ready for more pain?

DANI

Bring it on.

(Martin opens the door. Gene enters. He’s a mild-mannered, friendly looking guy.)

GENE

Thanks.

MARTIN

You’re welcome. You have five minutes.

GENE (sitting)

Hi. My name’s Gene. It’s very nice to meet you.

DANI

It’s nice to meet you, Gene.

GENE

Since we don’t have much time, Dani, and this is to promote your new film, I thought I’d just let you run with it.

DANI

Run with it?

GENE

Sure. Tell me about your movie.

DANI

Oh. Okay. “Rosalita’s Thunder” is about a woman from Louisiana. She owns and operates a small hole-in-the-wall bar in the French Quarter that she inherited from her husband who died in battle in Iraq. It’s a story of struggling, carrying on, redemption and falling in love later in life. My co-star is Bruce Nielson as an Iraq vet on the lam. He gets reinstated and runs away. Rosalita offers him refuge and, in the process, heals her grieving heart. (Pause) Gene. Are you okay?

GENE (holding back tears)

That sounds so beautiful.

DANI

It’s a very touching story and everyone really poured their hearts and souls into making it. I’m very proud to be a part of it.

(Gene is crying harder now. He holds out his hand for her to take. She does so, reluctantly.)

GENE

That sounds so special.

DANI

Yeah, it is, I guess.

GENE

I wish I was special.

(Martin and Dani exchange glances and shrugs.)

DANI

Oh, Gene, don’t say that. You’re special.

GENE

You’re just saying that.

DANI

No, no. When you walked in the room, I thought you were different. Special. You’re the only reporter so far to just ask me about the movie without making a big show about it. Believe me, that is special.

GENE

I’m not a reporter.

DANI

You’re not?

GENE

No. I just have a blog.

DANI

Oh. But you write about movies.

GENE

No, not really. I take pictures of sweet actresses like you and Photoshop your face on to pictures of naked ladies.

DANI

Oh.

MARTIN (escorting Gene out)

Hey, that’s five minutes. Time to go Gene. Say good-bye to Dani.

GENE

Wait. Can I just take a moment? (He turns and looks at her.) I want to remember you as you are.

DANI

Well, make sure you remember it with this body.

MARTIN

Let’s go.

(Gene exits. Martin closes the door.)

DANI

I’m not going to make it. I just want to make movies. I don’t want to go through this bullshit. Help me out here, Martin.

MARTIN

It’s in your contract, Dani. You don’t do this, I don’t know. The producers can sue you.

DANI

Can’t they screen who they invite a little better?

MARTIN

We’re living in the information age. They’re trying to catch every possible ticket buyer. Even if it means doing interviews with creepazoids.

DANI

And the film will probably still tank. Who wants to see a tear jerker?

MARTIN

Bill does take off his shirt in it.

DANI

Great. MILFS and gay men will be our audience.

MARTIN

As long as they buy a movie ticket, I don’t care what or who they’re touching in the dark. How about one more and we break for lunch?

DANI

Okay, but if they’re a freak, make it a fast five minutes.

(Martin opens the door. Nancy enters. She looks normal and seems to possess proper social skills.)

NANCY

Hi. I’m next. Oh, hi, Dani. (She sits) Thanks for doing this. I know how hard these press junkets can be. I promise to keep things quick and light. My name’s Nancy and I do entertainment news for WKBM in Minneapolis.

DANI

Nice to meet you, Nancy. Really nice to meet you.

NANCY

So, “Rosalita’s Thunder.” The word around Hollywood is that this is your best performance yet.

DANI

Well, that’s very flattering.

NANCY

And many critics, including this one, are already marking it as a big Oscar contender.

DANI

You saw it?

NANCY

Three times. This film is incredible. Poignant, smart, deeply moving. I have just one more question.

DANI

Shoot.

(Nancy takes a picture out of a folder and holds it out to Dani)

NANCY

Is this a picture of you in an alley outside a nightclub in Shreveport snorting coke off Bill Nielson’s dick?

DANI

Yep.

MARTIN

And that’s time.

(Blackout.)

Week 32, Day 223 - “The Eighth Wonder of the World”

“The Eighth Wonder of the World”
Written by Joe Janes

8/29/09

223 of 365

CAST

Carl, 40s

Kong,???

Theater Patron Liz, 40s

Theater Patron Percy, 20s

Theater Patron Millie, 60s

Theater Patron Frank, 60s

(Circa 1933. On stage, we see a large curtain. Standing before it on a tuxedo is Carl Denham.)

CARL

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to show you the greatest thing your eyes have ever beheld. He was a king and a god in the world he knew, but now he comes to civilization merely a captive - a show to gratify your curiosity. Ladies and gentlemen, look at Kong, the Eighth Wonder of the World.

(The curtain falls and we see Kong on a platform with his arms and feet in chains. The audience gasps.)

CARL (continuing)

Don't be alarmed, ladies and gentlemen. Those chains are made of chrome steel.

(The “ooh-ing” and “ah-ing” subsides.)

CARL (continuing)

Big fella, isn’t he? The strength of a thousand apes. Regular-sized apes. All rolled up into one giant ape. (Flexes his arms) Grrrrr!

(Pause)

THEATER PATRON LIZ

Now, what?

CARL

What’s that?

THEATER PATRON PERCY

He’s impressive and all, but now what?

CARL

Well, um, just look at how magnificent he is. Do you want to come up and take a closer look?

THEATER PATRON LIZ

Not really. He’s got a bit of a gamey smell about him.

CARL

Well, he’s a wild animal. Full of wild animal instincts.

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

Like avoiding proper bathing.

THEATER PATRON FRANK

Look, what’s your name-

CARL

Carl Denham, adventurer!

THEATER PATRON FRANK

I wasn’t really asking. There’s a depression going on, you know. My wife and I paid big bucks for these tickets. On top of that we hired a baby sitter and paid for a really nice meal.

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

Oh, did you go to Sardis’?

THEATER PATRON FRANK

Indeed, we did.

THEATER PATRON PERCY

I love their steak tartar. They make it right at your table.

CARL

Your point, sir?

THEATER PATRON FRANK

Is this it?

CARL

Is this it? This is Kong – The Eighth Wonder of the World!

THEATER PATRON PERCY

Guess this it. Some show.

THEATER PATRON LIZ (to her escort)

I told you we should have gone to see “Porgy and Bess.”

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

Doesn’t he sing or dance?

CARL

He’s a giant ape.

THEATER PATRON FRANK

For chrissake’s, even my dog does tricks.

THEATER PATRON LIZ

Your dog is smarter than this ape.

(Carl talks out of the side of his mouth to Kong.)

CARL

I’m dying here, Kong. Do something.

(Kong holds up a fist towards Carl, “cranks” it until the middle finger is extended.)

THEATER PATRON PERCY

That was offensive. What’s next? IS he going to fling his giant pooh at us? I want a refund.

CARL

You can’t get a refund. This is Broadway.

THEATER PATRON PERCY

Then you or the monkey need to start dancing.

CARL

He’s the Eighth Wonder of the World.

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

And we’re done wondering. I want my money back.

(The rest of the crowd chimes in on this and they start shouting for a refund.)

CARL

Kong, help me, here. Do you really want me to send you back to that island full of swamp gas, giant mosquitoes and dinosaurs?

THEATER PATRON PERCY

Dinosaurs?

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

What dinosaurs, where?

CARL

Back on the island where I found Kong. They had dinosaurs.

TEHATER PATRON FRANK

Are you insane? Why didn’t you bring back a dinosaur? Those are extinct.

THEATER PATRON LIZ

I would have loved to see a dinosaur. I could stare at one of those for hours.

CARL

But, apes are cool.

THEATER PATRON PERCY

Apes aren’t cool. I can go to the zoo to see an ape. Dinosaurs, wow that really would have been worth the ticket price.

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

If there are dinosaurs still alive, then there’s no way this is the eighth wonder of the world.

THEATER PATRON PERCY

I don’t know what scale your using to rank your wonders, Mister Adventurer, but a T. Rex would knock this smelly, untalented beast down into the double digits.

(During all this, Kong has become increasing offended and angry that the crowd would rather see a dinosaur. Percy’s remark puts him over the edge. He breaks his chains and roars!)

CARL

Show’s over! Show’s over! We can’t control him.

THEATER PATRON LIZ

Don’t end it now!

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

It’s just getting good.

(The crowd is now cheering. Kong goes into the crowd and smashes the heads of the theater patrons. And makes it back on stage.)

CARL

Good job, Kong. Say, were you friends with any of those dinosaurs? Maybe we could put together a comedy team.

(Kong roars at him. Carl runs off screaming. Kong turns to the remaining audience.)

KONG

No refunds.

(Blackout.)

Week 12, Day 82 - “Pitch Bleak”

“Pitch Bleak”
Written by Joe Janes
4/10/09
82 of 365

CAST
Martin, 50s
Phill, 20s
Agnes, 20s
DD, late 40s


(Lights up on Martin and two writers, Phill and Agnes, in a small coffee shop in LA. The writers look nervous. Martin is sipping espresso.)

MARTIN

We’re looking for a new project for DD. Whatever you do, don’t use the word “comeback.” He’ll walk out on you. I’ve seen him do it. But just between you, me and the espresso machine, this is a last ditch effort to get him back in the limelight. Otherwise, he’ll have to wait until he’s in his 70’s and hope for a Shatner-style revival. Are we on the same page, here?

PHILL

Totally.

AGNES

We understand. We’re grateful for the opportunity, Martin.

MARTIN

Here he comes.

(DD enters. He is in his late 40s. Wears sunglasses and a ball cap. He takes off the cap and glasses and looks around. He sighs when no one recognizes him.)

MARTIN

DD! Good to see you! (He hugs DD) Did you get those Cuban cigars I sent you?

DD

No, I don’t think so.

MARTIN

Hmm. I’ll cut the balls off my assistant and send another box over wrapped in the flesh of his scrotum.

DD

As long as it doesn’t affect the taste.

(Martin over laughs at this.)

MARTIN

Oh my God, DD. You bring tears to my eyes. If another comedy comes our way, we have to grab it. We have to.

DD

Fine with me. No babies, no dogs. Unless I get to kill them.

MARTIN (laughing)

Stop it. Stop it. You’re killing me. Have a seat, have a seat. Let me introduce you to two of the hottest young writers in Hollywood. Phill Magnuson and Agnes Hill.

DD

Have I seen anything you might have done?

MARTIN

Sure, you have. Sure, you have. You’ve seen that TV show about the doctors and the cops, “St. Justice” – the one in the prison hospital?

DD

You guys write for “St. Justice”? I love that show.

PHILL

We do the webisodes.

DD

Oh.

AGNES

They’re very good.

MARTIN

Watch ‘em on my cell phone all the time. You should, too.

(Awkward pause)

PHILL

I’m a big fan of your work, Mr. Johnson.

DD

Call me, DD.

PHILL

DD.

AGNES

Loved “Beverly Hills Equestrian.”

DD

Thanks. You know, they let me write my own dialogue for that.

PHILL

Really? You came up with, “Buck off, asshole”?

DD

I ad-libbed the “asshole” part.

AGNES

Nice touch.

DD

Are they going to suck my dick all day or we going to do this thing?

MARTIN

Good call, DD. Let’s do this thing. Phill and Agnes have been working on a few ideas. Phill… let’s hear the cop one first.

PHILL

Um, okay. Okay. DD, you play a drunk who gets pulled over by the cops. One cop is a Jew; the other is a black guy. One of them might be a woman, as well, or gay, or both. Belligerent drunken racial slurs fly aplenty – great opportunity for your adlib skills, right?

AGNES

It all gets caught on the cop’s dashboard camera and leaked to the press. We’re talking big impact here.

PHILL

Maximum exposure. News outlets, viral, a defiant, yet pathetic mug shot.

AGNES

Anger management, public apologies. Could draw the exposure out for months. At least a year. Maybe two.

PHILL

Then a producer takes a chance on you. Boom - Blockbuster movie. Oscar.

AGNES

Happy ending.

DD

I don’t know.

MARTIN

Let’s keep it open as a possibility. It is a big time commitment.

DD

I was hoping for something more altruistic. Maybe help out some animals or AIDS patients.

MARTIN

DD, we could go that way, but that’s so 90s. Save it for the nostalgia crowd. We need to start thinking quick and dirty and now. What’s going to give us the biggest bang for our buck, right?

DD

I guess.

MARTIN

What else you got?

AGNES

Well, honestly, it would be easier if you were a woman with a substance abuse problem and a little slutty. Well, a lot slutty. If benders and racial slurs aren’t your style, we might want to look at “the awkward interview.”

DD

Awkward interviews?

PHILL

You know, get you on Letterman or Leno. Have you be unresponsive. You‘ll be all over the Internet the next day. Heck, the next hour. Real water cooler stuff.

DD

Hard to be unresponsive. I like those guys.

AGNES

It’s easy. You leave your shades on. Don’t shave. You chew gum or do dipping tobacco. Swear a few times. Mumble. Tell him your changing careers.

PHILL

Like, becoming a rapper.

DD

I don’t rap.

PHILL

Even better.

AGNES

Pick a fight with someone in the audience.

PHILL

The idea is to create tension. Painful, can’t-look-away tension.

DD

Can’t I just do another movie? One of those independent, work-for-scale things?

MARTIN

The problem, DD, is that before those offers can come rolling in, we have to get you on people’s radars, again. “Beverly Hills Equestrian 4 – Ride Hard” tanked. We need to think “You.” Front and center. In the spotlight. See what I’m saying?

DD

I just want to make movies.

MARTIN

These are movies, DD. And you’re the star. Not your usual movies. Not on the big screen. You have to expand your definition of what a movie is these days. You are the movie. With today’s technology, it’s not enough just to shoot films and show up at premieres. The public doesn’t care about that stuff anymore. You have to get their attention. Get under their skin. Give them something to talk about.

DD

I came to Hollywood to be the next Harrison Ford. And I was, for a little while. People complain about autograph hunters and paparazzi. But it’s worse when they’re not there at all. I want people seeking me out because they like me, admire me. See me on the big screen and see me as a role model. Not because I made a humiliating public display of myself. Never thought I’d say this. Maybe I’ll just go back to working on my dad’s farm.

(Pause)

PHILL

That’s brilliant.

AGNES

Oh, my God. What a story.

PHILL

Big Hollywood star leaves the glitter to go back to his roots.

AGNES

Leaves the big time to become a farmer.

MARTIN

From tits to teats. I smell reality TV here.

PHILL

We get you on a talk show wearing overalls.

AGNES

Wearing a straw hat.

DD

Not really that kind of farm. Soybeans and corn. I’ll probably mostly do paperwork.

MARTIN

Doesn’t matter. Let us handle the story. I can get you on Fallon tomorrow. Pack your bags.

PHILL

That really is a brilliant idea, DD.

AGNES

This is why you’re the star.

DD

You guys really think we can make this into something? Get my film career cooking, again?

MARTIN (nodding and holding cell phone)

I have the head of Fox reality programming on my speed dial. This thumb is about to make you millions of dollars. Tell your wife and kids they’re moving to small town America and living on a farm.

DD

It’s actually only about an hour from here.

MARTIN

We don’t need to tell people that.

(Blackout.)