Written by Joe Janes
194 of 365
(Lights up on Annie sitting on the sofa and looking very sad. Ross enters carrying a bag from Burger King and sits nearby.)
ROSSHey, babe. Sorry, I’m late. Traffic was a bear. I brought some burgers, if you want one.
(Ross takes a burger out of the bag and offers it to her.)
(Ross shrugs and unwraps the burger for himself and starts eating it.)
ROSSIs something wrong?
ROSSI know we haven’t been going out very long, but I think I can tell something’s bothering you.
(He continues eating.)
ANNIE (even sadder)I’d rather not talk about it.
(He continues eating. Annie begins making very loud gasping, wheezing, hitching crying sounds.)
ROSS (continuing)Oh, Jesus.
(He puts the burger down and puts his arm around Annie who continues to cry loudly.)
ROSSHoney, honey. I’ve never seen you cry before. Just, just, dear God, let it out.
ANNIEI – am – so – up-set…
ROSSAt me? At me? Did I do something wrong?
ANNIENuh-nuh-no…. My brother…
ROSSTim? Tim did something jerky to you?
(Annie tries to cry more. It’s a bizarre mix of gasps and wheeze and pained expressions. Ross is fascinated by this. He hands her a napkin and she blows her know with much generosity. Ross turns his face away to hide his laughter.)
ANNIEHe…he…his wife left him… my, my, my…. sister-in-law….
ROSS (fighting laughter)That’s awful. That’s just awful. (Pause) Tell me more…
(She now adds a slight wailing to her crying. Ross purses his lips and tries to look concerned.)
ANNIEBetty – and – I – went- to – high – school – to-ether…How – can – she – do – this – to - him?
ROSS (putting his arm a round her)Shhh, shh. There, there.
ANNIEYou’re – shake-ing-too.
ROSS (getting up and stepping away)It’s…just…so…upsetting, Divorce…and…stuff. Oh, man, I’m going to lose my burger.
(He doubles over against the back of a chair, still trying to hide his laughter caused by Annie’s hysterics.)
ANNIE (calming down slightly)You’re taking this worse than me.
ROSS (turning to her)Am I?
(Annie gets up and puts her arms around him.)
ANNIEI am so lucky to have you here.
(She starts bucking and crying, again. Ross is trying to remain stiff, but we can see on his face he’s about to burst.)
ROSSWhy, why is she divorcing him?
(She holds Ross’s face in her hands.)
ANNIE (more major crying)For-some-thing-I-I-I-never-have-to-worry-about-with-you. She-said-he’s-insensitive.
(That does it. Ross bursts out laughing. He cannot stop. He doubles over on the floor and cannot stop. He stops and looks at Annie’s contorted, sad, puzzled face and it makes him laugh more. He finally runs out of steam.)
ROSSI’m sorry. I’m sorry. Oh, my God. (Gulp) Whew! I’m so sorry.
ANNIEWhat’s so funny?
ROSSYou are. When you cry. The wailing and the gasping. I’ve never seen anything like it.
ANNIEIt’s how I cry.
(Ross starts giggling, again.)
ANNIE (continuing)Now, what’s so funny?
ROSSI was just thinking about how you cry.
(He laughs some more and she exits. He continues laughing, grabs some napkins to wipe his eyes. She re-enters carrying her purse and keys. She kicks him in the anus and leaves. After she is gone, he sits still for a moment and starts crying much in the same manner as she did punctuated with the occasional giggle, but he is definitely sad about this. Lights fade.)