Week 51, Day 355 - "Footprints"

“Footprints”

Written by Joe Janes

1/8/10

355 of 365

Cast:

Jesus, 30s

Clarence, 30s

(In the dark we hear the sounds of ocean waves. Lights come up on Clarence, a heavyset man, standing along the shore, looking around in wonder.)

CLARENCE

Where am I?

(Jesus enters.)

JESUS

Hello, Clarence.

CLARENCE

Jesus?

JESUS

Yes, Clarence.

CLARENCE

I’m in heaven.

JESUS

You are.

CLARENCE

What are these footprints in the sand?

JESUS

They represent the path you took during your life.

CLARENCE

There are two sets of footprints.

JESUS

Because I walked beside you, my son.

CLARENCE

What are the smaller prints?

JESUS

Oh. I have a dog. Levi. He likes to walk along with me. Play in the water. He’s a real scamp. Cute little jack Russell terrier.

CLARENCE

Oh, they’re smart.

JESUS

They really are. But watch your step. He is a poop machine.

CLARENCE

Jesus, what’s this over here? There’s only one set of footprints. Did you abandon me?

JESUS

No, Clarence. That was one of the lowest points in your life. You were unemployed, deep in debt, overeating, chronically masturbating-

CLARENCE

Yes. I-I remember.

JESUS

That’s when I carried you.

CLARENCE

Oh. I see. What’s this big mess over here?

JESUS

That’s where I dropped you. You…are fat. And goopy. Hard to keep a grip. Sorry. Just being honest.

CLARENCE

Yeah. Okay. Sure. Did you hurt yourself?

JESUS

Pulled a groin muscle. Hurt like hell. Three days in hell.

CLARENCE

Oh.

JESUS

I was making a joke. It still hurt. Acts up every now and again.

CLARENCE

I’m really sorry.

JESUS

What are you gonna to do? No good deed goes unpunished, right?

(Pause)

JESUS

Well, welcome to heaven. Mind the poop. (He walks off) Levi! (whistles) Levi!

(Clarence looks at the bottom of his shoe as lights fade.)

Week 44, Day 304 - "Not All Dogs Go To Heaven"

“Not All Dogs Go To Heaven”

Written by Joe Janes

11/18/09

304 of 365

Cast:

Floyd, 40s

Cassandra, 12

Maria, 40s

(Lights up on Floyd doing dishes far stage left. Cassandra walks in.)

CASSANDRA

Dad?

FLOYD

Yes, Cassie?

CASSANDRA

Do you think Milton is in heaven?

FLOYD

Sure. I’m sure he’s up there right now chasing butterflies.

CASSANDRA

Is he allowed to eat the butterflies like he did in our backyard?

FLOYD

Oh, um, probably not. He’s probably allowed to chase them, but not eat them. They have rules in heaven. Like on earth.

CASSANDRA

If he killed butterflies here on earth, shouldn’t he be in hell?

FLOYD

Um, no. I don’t think so. I mean, we all kill bugs now and again, right. Like mosquitoes. I think it’s okay here.

CASSANDRA

They probably don’t have mosquitoes in heaven.

FLOYD

Probably not. Not with all their blood sucking. That’s why butterflies get in. No blood sucking. And they’re pretty. Like you.

CASSANDRA

Thanks, Dad. I feel better about Milton.

FLOYD

Good. Give me a kiss and go tell your mom “Dancing With The Stars” is on in twenty minutes.

(She does and exits over to far stage right where Maria sits in her easy chair reading the newspaper.)

CASSANDRA

Mom, Dad says “Dancing With The Stars” will be on in twenty minutes.

MARIA

Just enough time for me to finish reading the paper and head to the… library.

CASSANDRA

Mom, do you think Milton’s in heaven?

MARIA

No.

CASSANDRA

Why not?

MARIA

There’s no such thing as heaven. Just a figment of someone’s imagination. Made up so people don’t realize their life is crap and they’re too stupid to make it better. They bank on having a chance after they die.

CASSANDRA

What happens when we die?

MARIA

Nothing. Lights out. That’s it.

CASSANDRA

It will be like sitting alone in my bedroom in the dark.

MARIA

No, Cassandra, then you’d still exist. When you die, you stop existing. It’s like shutting off the TV or when your dad has too many margaritas. Your body, your mind, it all just shuts down.

CASSANDRA

That makes sense, but it’s fun to believe Milton’s in heaven chasing butterflies.

MARIA

Sure it is. But he’s not. He’s just a bunch of decaying flesh and bones in the backyard. Hey, tell your dad not to mess with the DVR when he’s watching “Dancing With The Stars.”

(Cassandra exits over to Floyd, who is now taking a cake out of the oven.)

CASSANDRA

Dad, mom says not to mess with the DVR when you watch “Dancing With The Stars.”

FLOYD

I never do. I don’t know why she thinks I do. I don’t even know how to use that thing.

CASSANDRA

Mom also says there is no heaven and when we die, that’s it. Nothing.

FLOYD

Well, some people believe that. Others don’t. It’s whatever you choose to believe.

CASSANDRA

Does believing make it real?

FLOYD

Well, you have to have faith. Like it says in the Bible. I choose to believe there’s a heaven and when we die, we’ll all be happy living there with Jesus.

CASSANDRA

Chasing butterflies?

FLOYD

Yes. Chasing butterflies with Jesus. And Milton. He’ll be there waiting for us.

CASSANDRA

Cool. What about mom? If she doesn’t believe in heaven, is she going to hell?

FLOYD

Sadly, yes. Tell your mom that if she goes to the “library” she needs to be back by ten o’clock or she sleeps on the couch.

(Cassandra exits and heads over to her mother who is still reading the paper.)

CASSANDRA

Mom says to be home by ten or sleep on the couch.

MARIA

I love that couch.

CASSANDRA

And she says you’re going to hell.

MARIA

Can’t.

CASSANDRA

Why not?

MARIA

I don’t believe in hell.

CASSANDRA

If you believed in it, would you go?

MARIA

Nope. It doesn’t exist. Can’t go somewhere if it doesn’t exist. No matter how much you believe in it. (She puts her paper down.) Here’s the thing, Cassandra. Don’t worry about what happens to you after you die. Worry about what happens to you here, now, while you’re alive. That’s the only thing you can do anything about. You know the difference between right and wrong?

CASSANDRA

When Milton brought you the paper, that was right. When he pooped on the rug, that was wrong.

MARIA

You get the idea. All you can do is try to get through life doing as many right things as possible. And if you do something wrong, don’t tell anyone.

(Maria grabs Cassandra’s hand and heads to the kitchen where Floyd is frosting a cake.)

MARIA (continuing)

Hey, Floyd. I’m going to the “library.” The TV is all yours. That cake for the church bake sale looks good.

FLOYD (kissing Maria on the cheek)

Thanks, Maria. It’s a butterfly in honor of Milton. Have fun studying.

(Maria exits. Floyd resumes frosting.)

CASSANDRA

Dad, if there is a hell, is there anything we can do to keep Mom from going there?

FLOYD

We can pray for her.

CASSANDRA

Will that help?

FLOYD

I don’t think it ever helps. But it will make us feel better. And, really, if you think about it, is it such a bad thing if your mother spends eternity in hell while we’re in heaven? More TV for us!

CASSANDRA AND FLOYD

Yeah!

(Floyd smacks Cassandra hard on the forehead.)

CASSANDRA

Dad!

FLOYD

Mosquito.

CASSANDRA

Go to hell, mosquito!

CASSANDRA AND FLOYD

Yeah!

(Blackout.)

Week 27, Day 184 - "Disco Heaven"

“Disco Heaven”
Written by Joe Janes
7/21/09
184 of 365

CAST
Alan, 40s
Nina, 40s

(Lights up on Alan sitting in a chair. He is by himself off to the side and looks a little confused. He wears a tuxedo and “Happy New Year” paper hat. Nina enters on the other side of the stage. As she opens the door she’s entering from, we hear disco music. It silences when she closes the door.)

NINA

Alan?

ALAN

Yes?

NINA

Come on over here and have a seat. I have a few questions.

(Alan does what he’s told because he really doesn’t see any reason to do much of anything else.)

ALAN

I’m not sure how I got here.

NINA

Well, we still have to process you, so wherever you might think you are, you’re not there yet.

(He sits and Nina sits across from him.)

ALAN

Where am I?

NINA

You have no idea?

ALAN

Am I dead?

NINA

You’re alive. Your body’s dead. Your soul is here.

ALAN

How-

NINA

But let’s not get bogged down in all the ethereal details. A lot of people die every day and there’s a lot of work for me to do.

ALAN

Is this heaven?

NINA

No.

ALAN

Oh, no. Oh, no. Masturbation! All that self-pleasuring. I knew it was no good for me. Is it too late to ask for forgiveness?

(Nina gets up and moves towards the door.)

NINA

Alan. (She opens the door and we hear the disco music again.) This is heaven. (She closes it and crosses to the other side of the stage and opens a door. We hear muffled dialogue and some soundtrack music.) This is hell. Eternities of listening to your neighbor loudly watch an endless stream of films starring stand-up comedians. (She closes that door and comes back into the room) This (indicates the room) is neither heaven nor hell. We’re going to determine if we can get you from that seat into one of those two rooms. And, yes, it is too late to ask for forgiveness. You’re dead. You missed your window of opportunity. But if I kept people out for playing with themselves, heaven would be a very lonely place, don’t you think? Are we clear?

ALAN

Um, okay. Sure. I’m game. Let’s do this. What do I have to do to get into heaven?

NINA (sitting)

I just need to ask you a few questions. Get to know you a bit. Aside from chronic masturbation, what other interests do you have?

ALAN

Interests?

NINA

Yes.

ALAN

Well, I love the Bible. Just love it. Great read. All those thee's, thou's, begats and begots. Love the church. All the kneeling and praying and wine drinking. If I could go to church seven days a week, I would…have.

NINA

Alan. I need you to be honest in this process. Don’t tell me things that aren’t true because you think I want to hear them.

ALAN

Okay. Point taken. I help the homeless.

NINA

How do you help the homeless?

ALAN

By not disturbing them.

NINA

Alan. What do you do for fun?

ALAN

Fun?

NINA

Yes. Fun. What does Alan do to have a good time?

ALAN

Other than-?

NINA

Yes. Other than.

ALAN

Well, you can see by how I’m dressed that I like to party.

NINA

Alan. Your body was found alone in your studio apartment. You died trying to heat up a can of Cheez-Whiz on the stove while rocking with Ryan Seacrest on the tube.

ALAN

I died in my quest for warm cheese.

NINA

Yes. And it doesn’t sound like you were having a lot of fun.

ALAN

To get into heaven, I need to prove to you that I can have a good time?

NINA

The only real mortal sin is boredom.

ALAN

What about murder?

NINA

That’s still bad, but boredom trumps murder. If you had bored someone to death, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Heaven is forever. We want people we can hang with and enjoy. Not people who shut themselves up in their room and whack off. Those people to hell. And there’s no porn in hell.

ALAN

No porn in hell? That doesn’t seem right.

NINA

It does if you want people to not have a good time. The only thing to masturbate to in hell is the muffled voice of Rob Schneider.

ALAN

I’m a fun guy.

NINA

You’re not convincing me. You worked eight-to-ten hour days doing data entry, ate lunch out of vending machines alone in the employee break room, ate frozen entrees for dinner. Spent your evenings watching television with the remote in one hand and your genitalia in the other.

ALAN

But my weekends-

NINA

More television, more masturbating, less work. Heaven is a party. You have all the earmarks of a buzz kill. I’m afraid-

ALAN

Wait. Wait. Give me another chance. I…I…I-I-I-I…do…impressions.

NINA

You do impressions?

ALAN

Yes. All the time. Around the apartment. I never did them for anybody, but they really crack me up. I think people will enjoy it.

NINA

Okay. Amaze me.

ALAN

Um… Okay… (He switches to a duck voice) “Frankly, Scarlet, I don’t give a damn.”

NINA

That was -?

ALAN

Oh, I forgot to tell you. All my impressions are celebrities as ducks. That was Clark Gable, as a duck.

NINA

Do another one.

ALAN (as a duck)

“That’s one small step for man, a giant leap for mankind – quack, quack, quack, quack!”

NINA

That’s delightful! I love it.

ALAN (as a duck)

“I’m glad you like it, pilgrim.”

NINA

John Wayne! Come with me, Alan. You’re going to heaven.

(Nina moves to the door with Alan in tow.)

ALAN

Yay! I mean (duck voice) "yay!"

NINA

Can you do Donald Duck?

ALAN

Uh, no. I can’t do celebrity ducks.

(Nina looks at the door to hell and then back.)

NINA (opening heaven’s door, “Disco Duck” is playing)

That’s okay. Keep it under your hat.

ALAN (awkwardly and enthusiastically hugs Nina)

Thanks, Nina.

NINA

You’re welcome, you’re welcome. Go before I change my mind.

(They both start dancing as they walk into heaven. Nina closes the door behind here, shutting out the music. Blackout.)