Written BY Joe Janes
8/26/09
220 of 365
CAST
Dave, 40s
Patti, 40s
(Lights up on Dave, a banker, sitting down across from Patti. Dave is dressed in a typical business suit, but nothing too fancy. Patti wears a pants suit.)
DAVE
Well, Patti, I have all your papers here. (He opens his folder) We should be able to re-negotiate your mortgage to a more manageable monthly payment for you. Oh, it does appear as though your fire insurance lapsed last month.
PATTI
Well, that’s why I’m here. If we can lower my interest rate, I can afford to reinstate my fire insurance.
DAVE
Well, that can be a factor in how we calculate your rate.
PATTI
I’m sure we’ll be able to work together, Dave.
DAVE
You are currently paying an 8% interest on a 30-year mortgage. You’ve kept up with your payments. We should be able to get this down to 6%. Does that seem reasonable?
PATTI
Sounds like it’s going in the right direction.
DAVE
Well, honestly, that is as low as we can go.
PATTI
Is it, Dave? Is it really?
(Patti crosses her legs revealing she has a holstered handgun strapped to her ankle.)
DAVE
Are you threatening me?
PATTI
Threatening you? What? No! Just making myself comfortable. I just think we can do better. Don’t you?
DAVE
How did you get that gun past security? You’re not a cop.
PATTI
I showed them my permit. My license to carry a concealed weapon in a public place. A dainty woman such as myself needs protection.
DAVE
Is it loaded?
PATTI
Not much point to carrying a gun if it weren’t.
DAVE
This is not going to help you renegotiate your mortgage.
PATTI
Dave, I’m just an American citizen exercising my right to bear arms wherever I want, whenever I want.
DAVE
You take that gun with you wherever you go?
PATTI
Don’t leave home without it.
DAVE
Shopping?
PATTI
Yep.
DAVE
The movies.
PATTI
Yep.
DAVE
Church?
PATTI
Especially church. Those people can get worked up. The Lord is my shepherd and I’m riding shotgun.
DAVE
Well, I am uncomfortable with this. You’ll need to take your business elsewhere.
PATTI
Dave, this isn’t about the gun. I’m here to renegotiate my mortgage. You’re here to help me. (She leans in) Don’t make me put my foot down.
DAVE
Okay, okay. Let’s get this over with. The best, the absolute best I can do, below what I’m supposed to do, is offer you 4% interest.
PATTI
See, Dave, that wasn’t so hard. Remember way back when, when the interest was 6% and could go no lower? Good job, Dave. Way to serve the customer.
DAVE
Sign here and here.
PATTI (signing)
Nice pen. Can I keep it?
DAVE
That was a gift from my mother-
PATTI (scratching her leg)
Ow, ow, itchy shins. Boy, it gets dry this time of year, doesn’t it?
DAVE
Keep it. Keep it. My compliments.
(He gets up and she gets up.)
PATTI
Nice doing business with you, Dave. You have a nice day.
DAVE
You, too. (She exits) You, too.
(He sits down, looking relieved. Lorna enters.)
LORNA
Dave, you’re due in the conference room.
(Dave walks off)
DAVE (off)
Um, yah, I’m not going to be able to make that meeting, Lorna.
LORNA
What should I tell the board of directors?
(Dave re-enters carrying a gasoline can and an acetylene torch.)
DAVE
Tell them I have a house to foreclose on.
(He exits. She looks concerned. Blackout.)
