Week 28, Day 194 - "Weepy"

“Weepy”
Written by Joe Janes
7/31/09
194 of 365

CAST
Ross, 20s
Annie, 20s

(Lights up on Annie sitting on the sofa and looking very sad. Ross enters carrying a bag from Burger King and sits nearby.)

ROSS

Hey, babe. Sorry, I’m late. Traffic was a bear. I brought some burgers, if you want one.

(Ross takes a burger out of the bag and offers it to her.)

ANNIE

That’s okay.

(Ross shrugs and unwraps the burger for himself and starts eating it.)

ROSS

Is something wrong?

ANNIE

No.

ROSS

I know we haven’t been going out very long, but I think I can tell something’s bothering you.

(He continues eating.)

ANNIE (even sadder)

I’d rather not talk about it.

ROSS

Okay.

(He continues eating. Annie begins making very loud gasping, wheezing, hitching crying sounds.)

ROSS (continuing)

Oh, Jesus.

(He puts the burger down and puts his arm around Annie who continues to cry loudly.)

ROSS

Honey, honey. I’ve never seen you cry before. Just, just, dear God, let it out.

ANNIE

I – am – so – up-set…

ROSS

At me? At me? Did I do something wrong?

ANNIE

Nuh-nuh-no…. My brother…

ROSS

Tim? Tim did something jerky to you?

ANNIE

No-no-no…

(Annie tries to cry more. It’s a bizarre mix of gasps and wheeze and pained expressions. Ross is fascinated by this. He hands her a napkin and she blows her know with much generosity. Ross turns his face away to hide his laughter.)

ANNIE

He…he…his wife left him… my, my, my…. sister-in-law….

ROSS (fighting laughter)

That’s awful. That’s just awful. (Pause) Tell me more…

(She now adds a slight wailing to her crying. Ross purses his lips and tries to look concerned.)

ANNIE

Betty – and – I – went- to – high – school – to-ether…How – can – she – do – this – to - him?

ROSS (putting his arm a round her)

Shhh, shh. There, there.

ANNIE

You’re – shake-ing-too.

ROSS (getting up and stepping away)

It’s…just…so…upsetting, Divorce…and…stuff. Oh, man, I’m going to lose my burger.

(He doubles over against the back of a chair, still trying to hide his laughter caused by Annie’s hysterics.)

ANNIE (calming down slightly)

You’re taking this worse than me.

ROSS (turning to her)

Am I?

(Annie gets up and puts her arms around him.)

ANNIE

I am so lucky to have you here.

(She starts bucking and crying, again. Ross is trying to remain stiff, but we can see on his face he’s about to burst.)

ROSS

Why, why is she divorcing him?

(She holds Ross’s face in her hands.)

ANNIE (more major crying)

For-some-thing-I-I-I-never-have-to-worry-about-with-you. She-said-he’s-insensitive.

(That does it. Ross bursts out laughing. He cannot stop. He doubles over on the floor and cannot stop. He stops and looks at Annie’s contorted, sad, puzzled face and it makes him laugh more. He finally runs out of steam.)

ROSS

I’m sorry. I’m sorry. Oh, my God. (Gulp) Whew! I’m so sorry.

ANNIE

What’s so funny?

ROSS

You are. When you cry. The wailing and the gasping. I’ve never seen anything like it.

ANNIE

It’s how I cry.

(Ross starts giggling, again.)

ANNIE (continuing)

Now, what’s so funny?

ROSS

I was just thinking about how you cry.

(He laughs some more and she exits. He continues laughing, grabs some napkins to wipe his eyes. She re-enters carrying her purse and keys. She kicks him in the anus and leaves. After she is gone, he sits still for a moment and starts crying much in the same manner as she did punctuated with the occasional giggle, but he is definitely sad about this. Lights fade.)

Week 27, Day 187 - "A Little Psycho"

(This was posted after midnight Friday.)

“A Little Psycho”
Written by Joe Janes
7/24/09
187 of 365

CAST
Miranda, 30s
Frank, 30s

(Lights up on Miranda and Frank on a sofa kissing passionately. Miranda stops the action.)

MIRANDA

Okay. Okay. Wait. (She stakes a breath) Okay.

(They start kissing, again. Miranda breaks it off once more.)

MIRANDA (continuing)

Okay, okay. (Takes a deep breath.) Frank.

FRANK

Miranda.

MIRANDA

You can spend the night tonight, if you want to.

FRANK

Okay.

MIRANDA

Okay, what?

FRANK

Okay, I want to.

MIRANDA

One other question-

FRANK

I have two in my wallet.

MIRANDA

Two?

FRANK

I’m very optimistic.

MIRANDA

Okay. (They start kissing. She breaks away again.) Wait. That wasn’t the question I was asking. Good to know, but not what I was asking. We’ve only been dating a few weeks. I don’t know you very well.

FRANK

Okay. What do you want to know? I’m an open book. You can ask me anything.

MIRANDA

Are you a psycho?

FRANK

Am I a psycho?

MIRANDA

I really need to know before I get too hopeful about us. My last boyfriend was a psycho but I didn’t find out until after a year in. Then I spent another year trying to make it work with a psycho. So, are you a psycho?

FRANK

Yes.

MIRANDA

You are?

FRANK

A little. I’ve Googled your name several times.

MIRANDA

That’s not so bad. I Googled-

FRANK

I even Googled your name and my name together to see if you were writing about us somewhere.

MIRANDA

Did you find anything?

FRANK

Just my own blog.

MIRANDA

You have a blog?

FRANK

I also searched your name on several porn sites to see if you had any amateur adult videos out there.

MIRANDA

You did not find anything.

FRANK

Sadly, no. I even tried possible porn names – Randy Miranda, Miranda Mountaintops, Miranda Munch. You’re clean.

MIRANDA

Well, I guess that’s a little psycho-

FRANK

And then I Googled all your Facebook friends.

MIRANDA

That seems excessive.

FRANK

They seem like okay people. Your brother’s a Nazi, though.

MIRANDA

White Supremist doesn’t necessarily mean Nazi, Frank.

FRANK

But that’s the only thing I found that I thought was suspicious. You don’t appear to be dating anyone else.

MIRANDA

I told you I wasn’t.

FRANK

Hello – psycho.

MIRANDA

Right. That’s a shame. I really wanted you to stay over.

FRANK

Well, in my defense. That’s about the extent of my psychotic behavior. I’m not violent. I don’t break things. I won’t damage your clothes. I really do care about you.

MIRANDA

Well. I’d hate it if both your condoms went to waste.

FRANK

That’s more like it. And I’ll leave early so you have plenty of time to meet your mother for brunch.

MIRANDA

How did you know I was meeting my mother for brunch?

FRANK

I read your e-mail. Too much?

MIRANDA

Leave.

(Blackout.)

Week One, Day One - "Laid On"

LAID ON
Written by Joe Janes
January 19, 2009
1 of 365 Sketches Project

CAST:
BOB CRANSTON – mid-30’s
MR. WILLIAMS – mid-50’s

(Lights up on Bob Cranston in his office cubicle. He is packing stuff from his desk into a cardboard box previously used to store reams of paper. He looks sad. Mr. Williams enters carrying a thick, but not cumbersome, stack of files.)

MR. WILLIAMS

Cranston?

BOB

Yes, Mr. Williams?

MR. WILLIAMS

What are you doing?

BOB

Just packing a few things. It’s all my stuff. No office supplies. Except, these binder clips (pulls box of clips from box) Sorry. I wasn’t paying attention.

MR. WILLIAMS (not concerned)

Just binder clips, Bob.

BOB

Oh, so it’s okay if I…

MR. WILLIAMS

No.

BOB (putting box of binder clips down on the desk)

Right. Of course. Got to do the right thing here. Leave with a clear conscience.

MR. WILLIAMS

Bob, you weren’t laid off.

BOB

I wasn’t?

MR. WILLIAMS

No. We would have told you.

BOB

I thought you just forgot. I didn’t want to make it awkward for you.

MR. WILLIAMS

Well, you’re not.

BOB

But so many people were. Good people. Digit Dave, in accounting, and he just bought a house. And Peggy, Pregnant Peggy. She’s pregnant. Kidney Ken – Does he know?

MR. WILLIAMS

He’ll find out when he comes out of surgery.

BOB

And Married Mike –

MR. WILLIAMS

Just got married. I know. These are difficult times. That’s why we need people like you, Bob Cranston.

BOB

People like me?

MR. WILLIAMS

People like you who work really hard and don’t ask for much.

BOB

I don’t, do I?

MR. WILLIAMS

When was the last time you got a raise?

BOB

Three years ago.

MR. WILLIAMS

And for how much?

BOB

An extra 40 bucks a week. It’s really come in handy.

MR. WILLIAMS

$40 a week’s what I spend at Starbucks. It’s only two grand a year.

BOB

Wow, when you put it like that, it’s like I’m robbing you.

MR. WILLIAMS

Hardly. When was the last time you asked for a raise?

BOB

I’ve never asked for a raise.

MR. WILLIAMS

What was your Christmas bonus last year and every year since you’ve been here?

BOB

A coupon for Crazy Bread from Little Caesar’s and a box of Clementines. I keep the crates the oranges come in and store audiocassettes in them.

MR. WILLIAMS

You still listen to audiocassettes?

BOB

Right here in my cubicle. (He holds up a large portable cassette player from the cardboard box.) With my headphones on, of course (holds up large headphones).

MR. WILLIAMS (plucks a cassette out of the box)

Foreigner. Nice.

BOB

I know how to rock, Mr. Williams.

MR. WILLIAMS

Bob, with the one raise you received and all that crazy bread, have you ever complained about anything?

BOB

No, sir. Never.

MR. WILLIAMS

Precisely. That’s my point. The ten people we let go all asked for raises and promotions over the years and got them. They prospered and ambitioned themselves right out of employment. You, Cranston, you have no ambition.

BOB

I just want to do a good job.

MR. WILLIAMS

Which is good enough for me. I like employees that don’t want much. (Bob starts thinking about this) Now, why don’t you go ahead and unpack that box and get back to work.

BOB (sans enthusiasm)

Right away, Mr. Williams.

MR. WILLIAMS

Oh, and here’s Pregnant Peggy’s work folders. You’ll need to cover her load.

BOB (very matter of fact)

Sure thing, Mr. Williams.

(Mr. Williams turns to leave.)

BOB

Mr. Williams?

MR. WILLIAMS

Yes, Bob.

BOB (avoiding eye contact with Mr. Williams, a little angry)

There is something I want.

MR. WILLIAMS

Okay. (pause) What?

BOB

I want this box of binder clips. For my home. For my own personal use.

MR. WILLIAMS (leaning in)

You go ahead and take home a box of binder clips, big guy. But let’s just keep it between you and me (he slaps Bob on the back).

BOB

Thanks, Mr. Williams. You’re the best.

MR. WILLIAMS

No, I’m really not.

(He exits. Foreigner’s “Cold As Ice” plays as Bob joyfully gets back to work. Blackout)

MY COMMENTS

Well, I notice that I am using actor signals more than I normally would. A signal is where I write in parenthesis after a character's name about how they are saying something, "sans enthusiasm," for example. In a production situation, I hate these. It diminishes the actor's opportunity to discover how the line could best be delivered. And quite often, the writer doesn't have the best take on it. An actor will often find a better more interesting way. However, I'm very aware that you are reading this, probably alone, and to yourself. I think in this case, it acts as a way of painting the picture more for a lone reader. Many screenwriters do this in even more elaborate depth because they know their first hurdle is one person sitting alone in a room, reading.

I started out the day anxious about what I was going to write. I had it in my head that I was going to start with a comic monologue. I was looking for clues for something that would get the wheels turning in my brain. I read a short article about Alexander the Great. Nope. I played an on-line Scrabble game. Nope. Just ended up challenging my brother on using the word "majora" and I won. It is not in the dictionary, foo'. While reading the list of news headlines on The Drudge Report, I had stuck in my head the image of a man packing items up from his desk. Timely, of course. And my billionth contribution to the plethora of office sketches out there. But I couldn't shake it, so I wrote it. The first draft was only two pages, unformatted and I was finished by 10am. The rest of the day, I putzed around, wrote a draft of tomorrow's scene, an extended blackout, and came back from time to time to tweak this scene. A major change was going from "staples" to "binder clips." My sole reason for doing this is because "Bob" was beginning to remind me of "Milton" from Office Space. Staples put him too close to stapler obsession. They are still not-so-distant cousins, but making that one change helped me make other changes, such as the end when Bob asks for what he wants. Silly, but binder clips made the man stronger.

Feel free to leave me questions or feedback in the comments section.

JOSS WHEDON

Joss Whedon did an interview recently where he ran down his top ten writing tips. Worth checking out, regardless of what you think of the Whedonverse. The dude's a crackerjack writer. You can read the article HERE.

SKETCHFEST

Sketchfest is over and I saw some very fine shows. Don Hall and I vow to have a show in there next year. While I saw good stuff, I do need to add an 11 to my post title 10 Things You Should Please Stop Doing In Your Sketch Revue - NOW!!! Number 11 - Stop using an audience member to demonstrate how to pick someone up. I saw it three out of five shows.