Written by Joe Janes
1/29/09
11 out of 365
CAST:
Chet, late 20s
Nadia, late 20s
Ping, late 20s
Angel
Devil
(Lights up on Chet holding a glass of beer. Disco ball lights move across the stage. We hear loud generic dance music. He stands as if he is watching the dance floor. Nadia, hotly dressed and drinking a something-tini, comes over and stands near him. He notices. She is lightly bopping to the music, also watching the dance floor.)
CHET
Hi.NADIA
What?CHET
I said, “hi.”NADIA
Oh.(Ping comes over and stands on the other side of Chet. She is smaller than Nadia and more conservatively dressed. She drinks bottle water and watches the dance floor. She, too, is lightly bopping to the music.)
PING
I hate places like this.CHET
What?PING
I hate places like this.CHET
Then why are you here?PING
I like to dance. What are you going to do? (Pause) What’s your name?CHET
Chet.PING
I’m Ping.CHET
Ping?PING
Yeah. Ping.CHET
Is that some silly nickname with a really good story?PING
No.CHET
Oh.PING
Do you like to dance, Chet?(Nadia glances over and notices them talking.)
CHET
No.PING
Then why are you here? CHET (glancing over at Nadia)
Well… I…um…I’m in town for business. Didn’t want to be holed up in my hotel room all night. Just bored, I guess.PING
Or lonely?CHET
Or lonely.NADIA
I came here to party. And get laid. I’m Nadia.CHET
Hi, Nadia.NADIA
Are you married, Chet?CHET
No.NADIA
Too bad.CHET
Why too bad?PING
Because married guys don’t come with strings attached. NADIA
If you were married, I would totally do you. I wouldn’t have to worry about you hounding me.CHET
I am from out-of-town. I may never be here ever, again. That’s got to count for something.NADIA
It might.PING
Guess it depends on what you want, Chet. You want to get laid or find someone special?CHET
Getting laid would be special. Been awhile.NADIA
She means do you want a hot, rocking one night stand or get saddled with one person over a long boring period of time?CHET
Both?NADIA
Not an option.PING
Pick one.CHET
I – I – I don’t know.(The music quickly stops. Nadia and ping freeze. A spotlight hits Chet. Angel and Devil hand puppets pop up on his shoulders.)
ANGEL
Oh, Chet. A one-night stand is like a meal at a fast food restaurant. You’ll eat it and then regret it. You want something more nourishing that will last much longer.DEVIL
Nothing wrong with grabbing a slice of pizza every once in awhile, Chet. You don’t know if this Ping thing is going to last or even if she’s good in the sack. An hour from now, you could be bobbing for boobies with Nadia, or drinking coffee and talking about ex-boyfriends and cats with Ping. ANGEL
What’s wrong with a nice conversation?DEVIL
Nothing, as long as you’re naked and talking dirty. But you’re not going to get that. The whole time Ping’s going on about how much she loves the Food Network, you’re going to be faking interest and wishing you were nailing Nadia.ANGEL
Nadia fakes her orgasms.DEVIL
Who cares, as long as yours is real?ANGEL
Go for Ms. Right.DEVIL
Go for Ms. Right Now.CHET
Okay!(The Angel and Devil disappear. Everything resumes as it was.)
NADIA
Okay, what?CHET
I want to sleep with you! (Turns to Ping.) Sorry.PING
Yeah. You are. (She exits.)
CHET
We can go to my hotel room. I have Cinemax. And room service.NADIA (sees someone)
Oh, hey, gotta go-CHET
What? Where are you going?NADIA
My boyfriend just walked in. (She walks off) Randy! Randy!(Chet stands alone looking dejected. The Angel and Devil reappear on Chet’s shoulders, this time, the lights and music continue.)
ANGEL
Sorry it didn’t work out, Chet.DEVIL
Yeah, Dude. That sucks.ANGEL
Look at the bright side.DEVIL
Yeah, Chet. Look at the bright side.ANGEL
We’re here to keep you company.DEVIL
Yeah, man. You know, I like how the disco lights bounce off your halo. (Devil starts to make is way across Chet’s shoulders over to the Angel.)
ANGEL
Really? It’s new. DEVIL
I usually don’t like ‘em, but, looks good on you.ANGEL
I just got it. I like your tail. It’s all pointy.DEVIL
You bet it is. Long, too.ANGEL
This music is nice.DEVIL
Yeah. I kind of dig it.ANGEL
Do you like to dance? DEVIL
I like to fuck. (The Devil hand puppet takes the Angel puppet from behind and they have quick, loud hand puppet sex.) You like that? You like that?ANGEL
Yes! Oh, yes!CHET
Well, at least somebody’s getting laid.DEVIL
Who’s your savior? Who’s your savior?ANGEL
You are! You are!
(Lights fade)
