Written by Joe Janes
11 out of 365
Chet, late 20s
Nadia, late 20s
Ping, late 20s
(Lights up on Chet holding a glass of beer. Disco ball lights move across the stage. We hear loud generic dance music. He stands as if he is watching the dance floor. Nadia, hotly dressed and drinking a something-tini, comes over and stands near him. He notices. She is lightly bopping to the music, also watching the dance floor.)
CHETI said, “hi.”
(Ping comes over and stands on the other side of Chet. She is smaller than Nadia and more conservatively dressed. She drinks bottle water and watches the dance floor. She, too, is lightly bopping to the music.)
PINGI hate places like this.
PINGI hate places like this.
CHETThen why are you here?
PINGI like to dance. What are you going to do? (Pause) What’s your name?
CHETIs that some silly nickname with a really good story?
PINGDo you like to dance, Chet?
(Nadia glances over and notices them talking.)
PINGThen why are you here?
CHET (glancing over at Nadia)Well… I…um…I’m in town for business. Didn’t want to be holed up in my hotel room all night. Just bored, I guess.
NADIAI came here to party. And get laid. I’m Nadia.
NADIAAre you married, Chet?
CHETWhy too bad?
PINGBecause married guys don’t come with strings attached.
NADIAIf you were married, I would totally do you. I wouldn’t have to worry about you hounding me.
CHETI am from out-of-town. I may never be here ever, again. That’s got to count for something.
PINGGuess it depends on what you want, Chet. You want to get laid or find someone special?
CHETGetting laid would be special. Been awhile.
NADIAShe means do you want a hot, rocking one night stand or get saddled with one person over a long boring period of time?
NADIANot an option.
CHETI – I – I don’t know.
(The music quickly stops. Nadia and ping freeze. A spotlight hits Chet. Angel and Devil hand puppets pop up on his shoulders.)
ANGELOh, Chet. A one-night stand is like a meal at a fast food restaurant. You’ll eat it and then regret it. You want something more nourishing that will last much longer.
DEVILNothing wrong with grabbing a slice of pizza every once in awhile, Chet. You don’t know if this Ping thing is going to last or even if she’s good in the sack. An hour from now, you could be bobbing for boobies with Nadia, or drinking coffee and talking about ex-boyfriends and cats with Ping.
ANGELWhat’s wrong with a nice conversation?
DEVILNothing, as long as you’re naked and talking dirty. But you’re not going to get that. The whole time Ping’s going on about how much she loves the Food Network, you’re going to be faking interest and wishing you were nailing Nadia.
ANGELNadia fakes her orgasms.
DEVILWho cares, as long as yours is real?
ANGELGo for Ms. Right.
DEVILGo for Ms. Right Now.
(The Angel and Devil disappear. Everything resumes as it was.)
CHETI want to sleep with you! (Turns to Ping.) Sorry.
PINGYeah. You are.
CHETWe can go to my hotel room. I have Cinemax. And room service.
NADIA (sees someone)Oh, hey, gotta go-
CHETWhat? Where are you going?
NADIAMy boyfriend just walked in. (She walks off) Randy! Randy!
(Chet stands alone looking dejected. The Angel and Devil reappear on Chet’s shoulders, this time, the lights and music continue.)
ANGELSorry it didn’t work out, Chet.
DEVILYeah, Dude. That sucks.
ANGELLook at the bright side.
DEVILYeah, Chet. Look at the bright side.
ANGELWe’re here to keep you company.
DEVILYeah, man. You know, I like how the disco lights bounce off your halo.
(Devil starts to make is way across Chet’s shoulders over to the Angel.)
ANGELReally? It’s new.
DEVILI usually don’t like ‘em, but, looks good on you.
ANGELI just got it. I like your tail. It’s all pointy.
DEVILYou bet it is. Long, too.
ANGELThis music is nice.
DEVILYeah. I kind of dig it.
ANGELDo you like to dance?
DEVILI like to fuck. (The Devil hand puppet takes the Angel puppet from behind and they have quick, loud hand puppet sex.) You like that? You like that?
ANGELYes! Oh, yes!
CHETWell, at least somebody’s getting laid.
DEVILWho’s your savior? Who’s your savior?
You are! You are!