Written by Joe Janes
183 of 365
(Lights up on Graham sitting at his desk working. Nearby, are two other desks, presently vacant. Eric enters.)
ERICHey, Buddy. I’ve been thinking about you.
ERICDude, you need to go out with me this weekend. My sister’s in town.
GRAHAMYou’re trying to fix me up with your sister?
ERICYou’ll thank me for it. LuAnn is so frickin’ easy.
GRAHAMMan, that’s gross. You don’t arrange for someone to hook up with your sister.
ERICI’m doing it for you. You broke up with Louisa last year. When was the last time you got laid?
GRAHAMA year and a half ago.
ERICTime to let a new dog gnaw on that bone of yours.
GRAHAMYou’re calling your sister easy and a dog?
ERICNo, dude. It’s a metaphor. Or an analogy. She’s not a dog. Here, look. (He shows her a picture on his cell phone.)
GRAHAMThat’s Loni Anderson.
ERICExactly. She looks like Loni Anderson. 1970s WKRP Loni Anderson. Not whatever Loni Anderson looks like now. Trust me, my sister is just what you need. You’ve been so tense lately. Let me call her. You guys meet for drinks. Her fav is Jagermeister and Sprite. I’ll tell her to wear that tube top that really shows off her boobs.
GRAHAMMe, weirded out. You, leaving.
ERICI’m going, I’m going. Just think about it.
(Cheri and Tamara enter and sit at their desks.)
ERICGood day to you, fine ladies.
ERICCareful with this one. He’s all wound up.
CHERIOh, my God, Graham. Tamara and I both just got a facial.
TAMARARodney somehow managed to do us both at same time. It was amazing.
CHERIIncredible. You’d think he had an extra arm he was rubbing us with.
TAMARAI am so relaxed. That facial really did it to me.
CHERII can still smell Rodney on me.
GRAHAMI’m glad you two had such a beneficial lunch break.
CHERIYou have no idea.
GRAHAMOh, Tamara, your husband called.
(He hands her a note.)
TAMARAThank you, Graham. Oh, isn’t that sweet. Just called to say I’m thinking of you and can’t wait till tonight.
TAMARAIt’s the third anniversary of when we first started dating.
TAMARAHe always gets me something special. Last year, it was a pearl necklace.
CHERIMake sure you keep a tight grip on that one.
TAMARAOh, I am. With both hands. And my teeth. (They laugh.) What are you doing tonight?
CHERII am practicing my flute.
TAMARAReally? That’s wonderful. I should do that.
CHERII played a lot in high school and college and decided to try it, again. I’m a little sloppy. And loud.
TAMARAChuck doesn’t mind the noise?
CHERIOh, no. He loves it. He just sits back in the Lazy Boy while I go to town on that flute. I put my lips on it as often as I can.
TAMARAMust be rough on your mouth.
CHERIThat and all the fingering.
GRAHAMAll right! All right! Just stop. Please.
GRAHAMWhat’s wrong? Listen to yourselves. I haven’t had sex in over a year. I’m about to go out of my mind here. Enough with the double entendres.
GRAHAMYes! “Facials,” “pearl necklace,” “flute-ing.” You telling me you didn’t realize those things have double meanings?
TAMARAOh, he’s right. I guess they do! I never thought of that.
CHERIThat’s so funny.
CHERIHow awkward. We really didn’t mean anything by it.
TAMARAFrom now on, no double meanings.
CHERISingle meanings only.
GRAHAMThank you. You know, maybe Eric is right. He was telling me how tense I’ve been. Can you give me Rodney’s number? Maybe he can fit me in this afternoon.
CHERI (handing him Rodney’s card)Well, okay. If that’s works for you.
GRAHAMWhat? Guys get facials, too.
TAMARAI’m sure they do, but it sounds like you need more than some guy shooting jizz on your face.