Week 45, Day 309 - "The First Tea Partiers"

“The First Tea Partiers”

Written by Joe Janes

11/23/09

309 of 365

Cast:

Sam Adams

Colonist One

As many colonists as possible

(Lights up on Sam Adams addressing an angry mob of colonists.)

SAM

This meeting can do nothing further to save the country. Fellow colonists, the British Parliament has imposed upon us a tax on our tea. (Angry mob uproar) A tax imposed upon us without a single American representing us. (Angry mob response)

COLONSIST ONE

But, the Tea Act of 1773 actually reduces the cost of legally imported tea. It will save us money.

(Pause)

SAM

Uh… No taxation without representation! (The mob joins him in chanting) No taxation without representation! No taxation without representation!

(The angry mob starts to storm off.)

COLONIST ONE

Wait! Where’s everyone going?

SAM

We’re going to the ships to dump all the tea in the harbor.

COLONIST ONE

You’re damaging someone else’s property. That’s vandalism. It’s thievery. Not to mention how you’ll also be poisoning the fish in the water. Have you no conscience? You’ll be committing a horrible crime.

(An awkward pause as Sam and the colonists look ashamed.)

SAM

We’ll blame it on Indians!

(The mob cheers as they storm off. Blackout.)

Week 43, Day 295 - "Teach A Man To Fish"

“Teach A Man To Fish”

Written by Joe Janes

11/9/09

295 of 365

CAST:

Jolene, 12

Grandpa, 70s

Game Warden Ned, 30s

(Lights up on Grandpa fishing along a stocked lake. Jolene walks up and sits next to him.)

JOLEEN

Thanks for taking the time to teach me to fish, Grandpa.

GRANDPA

Like I always say, “Give a man a fish and eats for the day, teach a man to fish and eats whenever he wants fish.”

JOLEEN

I’m so excited.

GRANDPA

Where’s your pole?

JOLEEN

Pole? I don’t have a pole.

GRANDPA

Can’t fish without a pole. You need to go buy one. Nice rod and reel like mine, plus bait and tackle, probably run you around a hundred bucks.

JOLEEN

But I don’t have any money.

GRANDPA

That’s too bad. Then I guess you don’t get to fish. Darn shame, I was looking forward to spending some quality time with my grand daughter.

JOLEEN

Me, too.

GRANDPA

You can watch while I fish.

JOLEEN

And I can help you eat the fish you catch.

GRANDPA

Well, that hardly seems fair. I do all the work and you get to eat the fish. Man needs to learn to get and eat his own fish. You could get a job. Get a job, make some money, buy yourself a rod and reel.

JOLEEN

I’m only twelve.

GRANDPA

I’m only twelve. Sounds like lazy talk to me.

JOLEEN

Could you give me the money to buy what I need?

GRANDPA

That hardly seems to fit the lesson I’m trying to pass on to you, Jolene. But I could loan you the money.

JOLEEN

That would be great.

GRANDPA (taking out wallet)

Here you go. Now, you pay me back within the next month and I won’t charge you interest. After that, the rate goes up to 10%. Think you can handle that?

JOLEEN

Sure. You’re teaching me to fish. I’ll figure something out.

GRANDPA

Good girl. Now, just so happens I have a rod and reel right here. You can take it off my hands for a hundred-fifty.

JOLEEN

But I only have a hundred.

GRANDPA

Hmmmm… That’s a toughie. Tell you what, I’ll make it 125 because you’re family, we’ll increase your line of credit on your loan and it starts accruing interest immediately.

JOLEEN

I don’t know…

GRANDPA

You want to exercise your right to fish, don’t you?

JOLEEN

I want to fish so badly.

GRANDPA

Well, okay, then. It’s a done deal. You aren’t going to be happy until you learn to fish and it breaks my heart to see you unhappy.

JOLEEN

Me, too. Let’s do it.

GRANDPA

Here you go. (He hands her a rod and reel and small tackle box.) Just watch what I do. You’ll pick up on it.

(She watches him and imitates him baiting his hook and gently casting into the water. She catches a fish. Grandpa talks her through bringing it in.)

GRANDPA

There you go. Now, reel it in, gently. Tug just a little bit. Reel it in…reel it in. (She stands up showing off the fish she hooked.)

JOLEEN

Look at me, Grandpa. I can fish!

(Game Warden Ned walks up.)

GAME WARDEN NED

Excuse me, little girl. Do you have a fishing license?

JOLEEN

A what?

GRANDPA

You need a license to fish, honey. It’s mandatory.

JOLEEN

I didn’t know.

(Game Warden Ned takes the fish, unhooks it, and throws it back into the lake.)

GAME WARDEN NED

I’m afraid I’ll have to take you back to the station and fine you $500. Let’s go.

(He grabs her arm and takes her off.)

JOLEEN

I don’t have the five hundred dollars. Bye, Grandpa.

GRANDPA

Bye, Jolene. Don’t forget that money you owe me. (Pause) Sweet girl. Too bad she’s such a parasite on society.

(He feels a tug on his line. Blackout.)

Week 37, Day 258 - "Come Again, Again"

“Come Again, Again”

Written by Joe Janes

10/3/09

258 of 365

CAST

Juanita, 60

Merle, 40

Zak, 80

Felicia, 20

Nadia, 30

Jesus, 33

(Everyone except Jesus is huddled downstage looking out at an image on a wall. They are enraptured. Upstage, Jesus, in robes and sandals, walks across from stage right to stage left. Before clearing the stage, he stops when he hears this…)

JUANITA

It’s a miracle.

MERLE

It’s a sign from God almighty.

ZAK

I’m going to pray for it to heal my erectile dysfunction.

(He starts praying.)

FELICIA

It looks just like him…from this angle.

NADIA

It fills me with hope. It means Jesus is looking out for us.

(Jesus is a little annoyed by hearing this, He comes up through the center or the crowd to see what they are looking at.)

JESUS

What am I looking at?

JUANITA

It’s the image of our savior.

JESUS

I’m not seeing it.

MERLE (demonstrating)

Soft eyes, soft eyes…

JESUS (using soft eyes)

…Okay…I think I see it…what’s it made out of?

ZAK

Bird poop.

JESUS

What?

ZAK

Several pounds of bird poop. See, the pigeons roost up there under the overpass. They poop and it dribbles down the side. After all these years, it’s formed into this heavenly apparition.

FELICIA

It’s truly a miracle. I once saw the bird poop cry.

NADIA

A sign that in these dark, desperate times, our shepherd is here to save us. To protect us. I feel so blessed.

(Jesus looks at the image more intently. Then shrugs.)

JESUS

Looks like Elvis.

(He exits as the rest look at the image differently and with sadness and disappointment. Lights fade.)

Week 37, Day 257 - "Come Again"

“Come Again”

Written by Joe Janes

10/2/09

257 of 365

CAST:

Father Ritchie, 40s

Donna, 20s

Jesus, 33

(Lights up on Father Ritchie pacing around his church’s lobby. Donna enters carrying a box.)

DONNA

Father Ritchie. I brought everything you asked me to bring.

FATHER

Oh, thank you, Donna. Thank you.

DONNA

What’s the big occasion?

FATHER

Donna, he’s coming.

DONNA

Tom Cruise?

FATHER

No. Jesus. Jesus is coming.

DONNA

Father Ritchie, that’s just a bumper sticker we give out at Sunday coffee.

FATHER

No, Donna. I had a vision. He came to me during the night. My room filled with light and this figure of a holy man came down from the heavens and stood before me.

DONNA

What did he say?

FATHER

Hi. I’m Jesus. I’m coming back. He was very to the point.

DONNA

Wow. That’s amazing. Did he give any more details?

FATHER

He did. He said how’s 10am in the church foyer?

DONNA

Jesus used the word “foyer”? He’s so wise. What did you say?

FATHER

It’s a Thursday. I’m free all day. And then he floated away.

DONNA

It’s almost 10. I’m going to meet Jesus.

FATHER

Yes, Donna. We both are. Live and in the flesh.

DONNA

Why me? Out of all the people in the world, Father Ritchie, why me? Why was I chosen?

FATHER

Oh, it’s a Thursday morning. You work nights at a 711. I knew you were available.

DONNA

My lack of ambition has finally worked in my favor.

(Jesus enters dressed in standard savior garb, robe and sandals.)

JESUS

Father Ritchie.

FATHER (kneeling)

Jesus Christ, my Lord.

(Donna kneels, too.)

JESUS

You really don’t need to do that. Please get up. Really, please.

(They do so and stand for an awkward moment.)

FATHER

So…welcome back. What brings you here?

JESUS

Well, I have big plans, Father Ritchie. My father and I have a message of peace and understanding-

FATHER

Oh! We got you a few things.

JESUS

Not really necessary.

FATHER

Oh, but it’s our pleasure. Good pleasure. Not pleasure pleasure. Donna, the box. (Donna brings the box over.)

DONNA

I’m Donna. But you probably already knew that.

JESUS

Actually, I didn’t. Nice to meet you.

FATHER

I had Donna stop by the church gift shop and pick up a few things-

DONNA

I thought you knew everything.

JESUS

That’s my dad. I’m just smart.

FATHER

We got you one of our finest Bibles.

(Father hands him a Bible.)

JESUS

One of your finest. There’s more than one.

FATHER

Oh, hundreds. This one is written in modern vernacular so everyone can enjoy it.

(Jesus flips through it.)

JESUS

Nice binding. (Reads) “Iron Box Mary.”

FATHER

Slang for “virgin.”

JESUS

My mother was a virgin? I don’t think that’s accurate. Doesn’t make much sense.

DONNA

Haven’t you read the Bible?

JESUS

Just the Old Testament. Of course, back then; we just called it The Testament. Anyway, my plan is to spread the word of God to all corners of the world-

FATHER (handing it to Jesus)

And we got you the Lord’s Prayer pressed into a penny.

JESUS

Oh, look at that. You mutilated a coin in honor of Christianity. I can get behind that.

DONNA

This way, you can keep the Lord’s Prayer with you at all times.

JESUS

I already do.

DONNA

You mean in your heart.

JESUS

I mean up here. (Points to his head) It’s pretty easy to memorize. Just don’t ask me the Ten Commandments. I always blank out on one or two.

FATHER

Me, too!

DONNA

I’m that way with the seven dwarves.

JESUS

So, Father Ritchie, and Donna, you two are the start of my plan. You represent my flock. I was gone for a while. Haven’t really been paying much attention, either. I’m ready to come back. But I will need trustworthy disciples-

FATHER

Oh, there’s one more gift. You can put it on your wall-

JESUS

I don’t have a wall-

FATHER (pulling it out of the box)

It’s a crucifix-

JESUS

What the fuck! Are you a fucking lunatic! Get that thing away from me!

FATHER

But, look, it’s you. Right there!

DONNA

Jesus is a vampire.

JESUS

I’m not a vampire. That was the worst day of my life! What makes you think Id want to relive that?

DONNA

But you died for our sins.

JESUS

I didn’t have a choice. That thing is sick. You people are sick. You people put that up on your walls?

FATHER

We have a huge one over the altar. (He points. Jesus notices.)

JESUS

Me nailed to a cross bleeding is above your altar? You guys working for Satan?

DONNA

We drink your blood and eat your flesh.

JESUS

And you called me a vampire. Fucking cannibals. Are you all like this?

FATHER

Well, just the Christians. The Jews don’t do that. They don’t believe in you.

JESUS

Great. You guys treat me like some Halloween party decoration and the Jews think I’m Santa Claus. Screw it. I’m outta here. (He looks up as he exits) I tried, Dad. I tried. Nice work.

(He throws the Bible at them and exits. Father Ritchie considers the crucifix.)

FATHER

This thing is a bit hideous.

DONNA

I don’t know. I think he has nice hips.

(Blackout)

Week 37, Day 253 - "Elaborate"

“Elaborate”

Written by Joe Janes

9/28/09

253 of 365

CAST

Andrew, 50s

Sarah, 40s

Charlie, 40s

Tracey, 20s

Tina, 20s

Wendell, 60s

(Lights up on a conference room. Andrew, Sarah, and Charlie all look anxious. Charlie looks at his watch and then at the others. Tina enters and stands at attention.)

TINA

Chief Executive Officer, Wendell Lonsdale.

(Tracey walks in spreading rose petals on the floor. She stands on the other side of the room. Wendell enters. He wears a typical business suit, except that his sports coat is over his shoulders, like an overcoat or robe. He looks at Andrew, Sarah and Charlie and clears his throat. They quickly stand. Wendell walks over to the table. Sarah holds out his chair for him. He sits. On his cue, the other three sit back down.)

ANDREW

Wendell, we have some important-

(Wendell holds up his hand to stop him.)

WENDELL

I am parched.

(He snaps his fingers. Tracey and Tina move into action as Wendell leans back and opens his mouth. Tina takes a small bottle of Perrier and pours a small amount into Wendell’s mouth. Tracey squeezes a small piece of lime over it. Tina then wipes Wendell’s mouth. Wendell snaps his fingers again and Tina and Tracey go back to their spots. Wendell waves his hand as if to tell Andrew to go.)

ANDREW

We’re running dangerously in the red. We need to make severe cuts or our company will be belly up by the end of the year.

WENDELL

I see. We have to respond appropriately to the times. We need to tighten our belts. Make sacrifices. Let’s lay off 30,000 workers. Cut executive salaries by 20%. And no more free candy on the receptionist’s desk.

SARAH

That’s all good, sir. But it still may not be enough.

CHARLIE

Sir, with all due respect. You’re going on a trip next week to South America. Thirty days with your two assistants.

WENDELL

That’s a business trip. We’re sampling various coffees around that continent to find the best one for our employee break rooms. It’s about quality and finding the best for our employees. It’s an investment in people.

CHARLIE

And it’s going to cost the company $100,000. Hard to justify when we’re making all these cuts. That could be the salary of two or three workers.

WENDELL

What’s your salary?

CHARLIE

$125,000.

WENDELL

You’re fired. There just saved one worker’s job and I still get to go on my coffee expedition. (He stretches) Oh, I’m exhausted. Well, time for my four o’clock champagne enema. If you need me to make more tough cost-cutting decisions, I’ll be in my helicopter RV.

(He exits followed quickly by Tina and Tracey. Charlie starts crying. Sarah hands him a tissue, but Andrew stops her.)

ANDREW

Those cost money.

(She stuffs it back in the tissue box. Lights fade.)

Week 30, Day 209 - “Grekkor the Alien"

“Grekkor the Alien”
Written by Joe Janes
8/15/09
209 of 365

CAST
Grekkor, ?
Chance, 30s
Deter, 50s
Dunkin, 40s
Jeri, 20s
Mike, 30s

(Lights click on above Grekkor the Magnificent sitting alone in a chair. He sits still, looking down. He is an alien and dresses in oddly shaped armor. Dreadlock/tentacles pour out from under his helmet. We hear footsteps. Two men in dark suits under and one flips on a switch that brings more light to the room. The two men sit at a table nearby.)

CHANCE

Good morning, Grekkor.

DETER

It’s good to see you, again, Grekkor.

GREKKOR (in a deep, masculine voice)

Hello.

CHANCE

How are you feeling this morning, Grekkor?

GREKKOR

I am feeling fine.

DETER

That’s good to hear. We’re almost finished with our tests.

GREKKOR

That is good.

CHANCE

We thought you would think so.

DETER

Speaking on behalf of all my colleagues, it has truly been a pleasure to work with you.

CHANCE

You are our country’s, well, the world’s, first encounter with a being from another planet.

DETER

And we really appreciate how cooperative you have been.

GREKKOR

Other from my planet were worried that you would throw me on a table and cut me open to see what was inside.

(Chance and Deter look at each other and laugh.)

DETER

How barbaric.

CHANCE

We got everything we needed from your blood samples and the MRI.

DETER

If we cut you open, it would be very hard to ask you about any of it.

CHANCE

Or learn about your culture. Which reminds me, we have a few more questions.

GREKKOR

I am more than happy to answer them.

DETER

Well, I should preface this by saying these questions come from our fellow countrymen.

CHANCE

After we asked all our well-educated scientific-based questions, our president asked that we open up questions to the general public.

(Chance and Deter look at each other a little concerned, a little ashamed.)

GREKKOR

I would like that very much. I have yet to meet anyone from your planet other than your small group of doctors and scientists.

DETER

All the questions were submitted on-line in video. So, you’ll be able to see the person asking the question.

CHANCE

Many of the questions were redundant, so we narrowed it down to the three most popular questions.

DETER

Here’s the first…

(Deter uses a remote to start the video on a screen. Dunkin appears “on screen” wearing a Red Wings jersey and drinking a beer.)

DUNKIN

Hey, there Gekko.

GREKKOR

It’s Grekkor.

CHANCE

He can’t hear you.

DUNKIN

Here’s my question. Cool that you’re an alien, like some interstellar wetback.

GREKKOR

My dorsal is not moist.

DETER

He still can’t hear you.

GREKKOR

Just saying.

DUNKIN

But if you’re here to take away our jobs, that you can get back in that spaceship of yours and fly it all the way to hell. And if you ain’t here to take our jobs, then how you paying for leaching off of Ol’ Uncle Sam?

GREKKOR

Who?

CHANCE

Uh-

DUNKIN

Who’s paying for your room and board there space fella? How we know you ain’t just going to fill up on food and steal all our Fort Knox gold and the next thing we know you’re outta here without so much as a note on the pillow. Well?

(Deter turns off the “video.”)

GREKKOR

Was that the question? “Well?”

DETER

I think Dunkin’s question, if I understood it correctly, is simply, “Why are you here?’

GREKKOR

Why did he use so many words that weren’t that to ask that?

DETER

I don’t know.

GREKKOR

My answer is the same as I told you. We have been aware of your planet for some time. It has only been in the past ten cycles that we have been able to achieve reaching your planet. We wish simply to make contact with you. We’re just saying, “hello.”

CHANCE

I’ll put down “friendly visit.”

DETER

Here’s our next question…

(Deter pushes a button on the remote. Jeri in a tube-top and big blond hair and too much make-up appears on screen.)

JERI

Hi, Gekko. My name is Jeri and I’m from Gainesville, Florida. Whooooo! My question is this. You are from outer space, right? Have you read the Bible? Because there’s no mention of you in the Bible. Which means you are probably Satan and here to destroy us. So, I guess my question is a two-parter. Have you read the Bible? If not, why not? Are you Satan? And are you here to destroy us? Go, Gators!

(Deter turns off the video.)

GREKKOR

That was one of your most asked questions?

DETER

Yes.

GREKKOR

I don’t know how to answer any of that except that I haven’t read the Bible. I don’t know what that is.

CHANCE

It’s a religious book believed by many people here on earth to be the word on where human beings and our plant came from.

GREKKOR

Oh, from Manoobi.

DETER

Manoobi?

GREKKOR

Manoobi created everything in all the galaxies. It is all a part of his divine design.

CHANCE

People here think God created the universe.

GREKKOR

When?

CHANCE

When?

DETER

Well, depends on whom you ask. Some people think only about five thousand years ago. Others, five billion years ago.

GREKKOR

Manoobi wins. He created all living things a trillion years ago. He probably created your God in his own image.

(Chance starts to write this down. Deter stops him.)

DETER

Doesn’t know what the Bible is, hasn’t read it. Let’s leave it at that.

CHANCE

But-

DETER

Let’s leave it at that. Okay. Grekkor, Thank you for your patience. Just one last question.

CHANCE

Do we have to?

DETER

It is the most popular question asked. And this next gentleman did it more succinctly than others. Here we go…

(Deter uses the remote to turn on the video. Mike appears. He is a large man in a too tight t-shirt. He might work out, but he uses steroids, if he does. Beefy without much definition.)

MIKE

Can I fuck you?

GREKKOR

What?

MIKE

I ain’t gay, but I also ain’t never fucked an alien. I’ve fucked a lot of women in my time, one fat chick on a dare, and a few farm animals, not on a dare. I just want to stick my dick in an alien.

(Deter turns it off.)

DETER

I’m really sorry, Grekkor.

CHANCE

Most of our people would like to know what it is like to have sex with you. It could be considered flattering.

DETER

Or stupid.

CHANCE

Please don’t think less of us as a whole.

GREKKOR

I’ll have sex with him.

DETER

You will?

GREKKOR

Sure. It’s a natural curiosity. People from my planet would want to know the same thing about you.

CHANCE (opening a door)

We had Mike brought here in the off chance you agreed to this.

(Mike enters.)

MIKE

He said yes?

GREKKOR (standing)

Hello, Mike.

MIKE

Hot damn! I am going to be famous. I’m the first guy in the whole world to pork an alien.

GREKKOR (picking up Mike)

I am happy to oblige.

MIKE

Just to be clear, I’m a pitcher, not a catcher.

GREKKOR

That’s fine with me.

DETER

You know what that means?

GREKKOR

We call it the same thing on my planet.

(Grekkor carries Mike to the door.)

MIKE

Hey, do I need a condom?

GREKKOR

Not at all. The hooks in my vagina will impale the sperm just before it chews off your penis.

MIKE

Awesome.

(They exit.)

DETER

Write down that Grekkor is a female.

CHANCE

Guess we missed that part. Looks so much like a dude.

MIKE (off)

Oh, God! Oh, God!

GREKKOR (off)

Oh, Manoobi!

(Mike screams. Chance and Deter shake their heads as lights fade.)

Week 30, Day 205 - "Free Soda"

“Free Soda”
Written by Joe Janes
8/11/09
205 of 365

CAST
Sylvia, 40s
Jack, 50s
Phillip, 40s
Dirk, 30s
Nancy, 20s
Hillary, 50s

(Lights up on a conference room. A group of executives are sitting around a table finishing up a meeting.)

SYLVIA

…And that should help us save a few pennies in shipping costs. (They all laugh at this in a polite executive way.) Oh, and one last item. Starting next Monday, the company will be providing free soda.

JACK

You mean, just for us, right?

SYLVIA

No. For everybody. You can tell all the employees in your department that starting Monday, and every Monday after; the company will stock a case of 12-ounce cans of cola in every break room in the building. Our Canadian branch does this. They’ve been doing it for years. The CEO there tells me its one of those little perks that brightens up an employee’s day. A little thing that lets them know they’re appreciated. Makes them more productive, too. Any questions?

PHILLIP

Just one. Are you trying to kill me?

SYLVIA

Not through this method, Phillip. What’s your issue?

PHILLIP

Adult onset diabetes, type 2. Not supposed to have sugar.

DIRK

You could just not have any.

PHILLIP

That’s not fair. Why should everyone else get a freebie?

NANCY

I, for one, wouldn’t mind having a diet cola option. That seems fair.

SYLVIA

I suppose you’re right, on that. We’ll split the case. Half cola, half diet.

HILLARY

And those are the only options? We’ll, now you’re trying to kill me.

SYLVIA

How so, Hillary?

HILLARY

The ol’ ticker. Every since my quadruple by-pass surgery last year, the doctor says no caffeine.

NANCY

Maybe we could add a six-pack of caffeine free diet cola.

HILLARY

It’s healthier.

JACK

No. It’s not. It’s carbonated brown chemicals with sugar and salt. I just want you to keep your hands off my coffee and tea.

SYLVIA

No one’s going to take away the coffee and tea, Jack, and we’ll look into doing that, Hillary.

JACK

That’s what you say, now. I’ve worked here twenty years. I’ve always used the coffee maker in the morning and a nice little cup of tea in the afternoon. You take that away, and you may as well tell me you don’t care about me.

SYLVIA

Different subject, but let me assure you, Jack, we’re not touching the coffee and tea. Have all you like.

JACK

I will if I want. You can’t make me.

DIRK (looking at a calculator)

You know, I was just doing the math on this. There may not be enough soda for everyone. You figure one a day, minimum, five days a week; you could be out by Wednesday afternoon.

SYLVIA

Not everyone drinks soda, right, Jack? It probably won’t be a problem.

NANCY

You’re assuming no one’s going to take more than one or, for that matter, outright steal it. Take cans home with them.

DIRK

In that case, it could all be gone on Tuesday. What’s the point of having free soda if you don’t have any? Hell, I can give away something I don’t have. Anybody want a million dollars?

PHILLIP

I do.

DIRK

Help yourself. It’s in the fridge. What? It’s gone. It was there yesterday. Sorry ol’ man. You lose out.

NANCY

We could ration it. Everyone is guaranteed one soda for the week.

HILLARY

For the week? I can’t just sip one soda for a whole goddamn week.

NANCY

Didn’t your doctor tell you anything about pacing yourself?

JACK

I don’t know if rationing is the answer. I think that’s just going to create long lines in the break room. Besides, I don’t drink the swill.

NANCY

For this to work, Jack, you’re going to have start drinking soda.

JACK

No way. I’ll just pour the crap down the drain.

PHILLIP

I’ll take yours. Just give it to me.

JACK

I’ll sell it to you.

PHILLIP

Come on, I’m already out a million dollars.

JACK

Which reminds me. How are we paying for this? Am I going to have to take a pay cut to cover the costs of soda guzzling freeloaders?

SYLVIA

The company pays for it all. We got a deal from the soda industry.

JACK

I don’t see why people can’t just take care of their own soda needs.

(This causes an emotional stir among the group, pro and con.)

SYLVIA

Stop. Just stop. Everyone just stop.

(She takes a breath. Everyone is quit and motionless for a moment. Hillary leans forward.)

HILLARY

I bring a liter of Mountain Dew every day. Are you going to make me switch to a different cola?

NANCY

We added caffeine free diet cola for you.

HILLARY

I should have the option. Doesn’t mean I have to take it.

SYLVIA

No, Hillary, you can still bring your Mountain Dew.

NANCY

I thought you couldn’t have caffeine?

HILLARY

Mountain Dew doesn’t have caffeine. It’s green. (looks around table) It’s green. Do your research.

SYLVIA

I said, “Stop.” Starting Monday, every refrigerator in every break room will be stocked with half a case of cola, half a case of diet cola, and a six-pack of caffeine free diet cola. We will do this for a month. After a month, we’ll re-evaluate it and see if we need to change anything about it. Is that clear? (Everyone sits quiet and nods.) Does anyone have any questions?

JACK

Why do you hate America?

(Sylvia puts her head in her hands. Blackout)