Written by Joe Janes
184 of 365
(Lights up on Alan sitting in a chair. He is by himself off to the side and looks a little confused. He wears a tuxedo and “Happy New Year” paper hat. Nina enters on the other side of the stage. As she opens the door she’s entering from, we hear disco music. It silences when she closes the door.)
NINACome on over here and have a seat. I have a few questions.
(Alan does what he’s told because he really doesn’t see any reason to do much of anything else.)
ALANI’m not sure how I got here.
NINAWell, we still have to process you, so wherever you might think you are, you’re not there yet.
(He sits and Nina sits across from him.)
ALANWhere am I?
NINAYou have no idea?
ALANAm I dead?
NINAYou’re alive. Your body’s dead. Your soul is here.
NINABut let’s not get bogged down in all the ethereal details. A lot of people die every day and there’s a lot of work for me to do.
ALANIs this heaven?
ALANOh, no. Oh, no. Masturbation! All that self-pleasuring. I knew it was no good for me. Is it too late to ask for forgiveness?
(Nina gets up and moves towards the door.)
NINAAlan. (She opens the door and we hear the disco music again.) This is heaven. (She closes it and crosses to the other side of the stage and opens a door. We hear muffled dialogue and some soundtrack music.) This is hell. Eternities of listening to your neighbor loudly watch an endless stream of films starring stand-up comedians. (She closes that door and comes back into the room) This (indicates the room) is neither heaven nor hell. We’re going to determine if we can get you from that seat into one of those two rooms. And, yes, it is too late to ask for forgiveness. You’re dead. You missed your window of opportunity. But if I kept people out for playing with themselves, heaven would be a very lonely place, don’t you think? Are we clear?
ALANUm, okay. Sure. I’m game. Let’s do this. What do I have to do to get into heaven?
NINA (sitting)I just need to ask you a few questions. Get to know you a bit. Aside from chronic masturbation, what other interests do you have?
ALANWell, I love the Bible. Just love it. Great read. All those thee's, thou's, begats and begots. Love the church. All the kneeling and praying and wine drinking. If I could go to church seven days a week, I would…have.
NINAAlan. I need you to be honest in this process. Don’t tell me things that aren’t true because you think I want to hear them.
ALANOkay. Point taken. I help the homeless.
NINAHow do you help the homeless?
ALANBy not disturbing them.
NINAAlan. What do you do for fun?
NINAYes. Fun. What does Alan do to have a good time?
NINAYes. Other than.
ALANWell, you can see by how I’m dressed that I like to party.
NINAAlan. Your body was found alone in your studio apartment. You died trying to heat up a can of Cheez-Whiz on the stove while rocking with Ryan Seacrest on the tube.
ALANI died in my quest for warm cheese.
NINAYes. And it doesn’t sound like you were having a lot of fun.
ALANTo get into heaven, I need to prove to you that I can have a good time?
NINAThe only real mortal sin is boredom.
ALANWhat about murder?
NINAThat’s still bad, but boredom trumps murder. If you had bored someone to death, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Heaven is forever. We want people we can hang with and enjoy. Not people who shut themselves up in their room and whack off. Those people to hell. And there’s no porn in hell.
ALANNo porn in hell? That doesn’t seem right.
NINAIt does if you want people to not have a good time. The only thing to masturbate to in hell is the muffled voice of Rob Schneider.
ALANI’m a fun guy.
NINAYou’re not convincing me. You worked eight-to-ten hour days doing data entry, ate lunch out of vending machines alone in the employee break room, ate frozen entrees for dinner. Spent your evenings watching television with the remote in one hand and your genitalia in the other.
ALANBut my weekends-
NINAMore television, more masturbating, less work. Heaven is a party. You have all the earmarks of a buzz kill. I’m afraid-
ALANWait. Wait. Give me another chance. I…I…I-I-I-I…do…impressions.
NINAYou do impressions?
ALANYes. All the time. Around the apartment. I never did them for anybody, but they really crack me up. I think people will enjoy it.
NINAOkay. Amaze me.
ALANUm… Okay… (He switches to a duck voice) “Frankly, Scarlet, I don’t give a damn.”
NINAThat was -?
ALANOh, I forgot to tell you. All my impressions are celebrities as ducks. That was Clark Gable, as a duck.
NINADo another one.
ALAN (as a duck)“That’s one small step for man, a giant leap for mankind – quack, quack, quack, quack!”
NINAThat’s delightful! I love it.
ALAN (as a duck)“I’m glad you like it, pilgrim.”
NINAJohn Wayne! Come with me, Alan. You’re going to heaven.
(Nina moves to the door with Alan in tow.)
ALANYay! I mean (duck voice) "yay!"
NINACan you do Donald Duck?
ALANUh, no. I can’t do celebrity ducks.
(Nina looks at the door to hell and then back.)
NINA (opening heaven’s door, “Disco Duck” is playing)That’s okay. Keep it under your hat.
ALAN (awkwardly and enthusiastically hugs Nina)Thanks, Nina.
NINAYou’re welcome, you’re welcome. Go before I change my mind.
(They both start dancing as they walk into heaven. Nina closes the door behind here, shutting out the music. Blackout.)