Written by Joe Janes
7/21/09
184 of 365
CAST
Alan, 40s
Nina, 40s
(Lights up on Alan sitting in a chair. He is by himself off to the side and looks a little confused. He wears a tuxedo and “Happy New Year” paper hat. Nina enters on the other side of the stage. As she opens the door she’s entering from, we hear disco music. It silences when she closes the door.)
NINA
Alan?ALAN
Yes?NINA
Come on over here and have a seat. I have a few questions.(Alan does what he’s told because he really doesn’t see any reason to do much of anything else.)
ALAN
I’m not sure how I got here.NINA
Well, we still have to process you, so wherever you might think you are, you’re not there yet.(He sits and Nina sits across from him.)
ALAN
Where am I?NINA
You have no idea?ALAN
Am I dead?NINA
You’re alive. Your body’s dead. Your soul is here. ALAN
How-NINA
But let’s not get bogged down in all the ethereal details. A lot of people die every day and there’s a lot of work for me to do. ALAN
Is this heaven?NINA
No.ALAN
Oh, no. Oh, no. Masturbation! All that self-pleasuring. I knew it was no good for me. Is it too late to ask for forgiveness?(Nina gets up and moves towards the door.)
NINA
Alan. (She opens the door and we hear the disco music again.) This is heaven. (She closes it and crosses to the other side of the stage and opens a door. We hear muffled dialogue and some soundtrack music.) This is hell. Eternities of listening to your neighbor loudly watch an endless stream of films starring stand-up comedians. (She closes that door and comes back into the room) This (indicates the room) is neither heaven nor hell. We’re going to determine if we can get you from that seat into one of those two rooms. And, yes, it is too late to ask for forgiveness. You’re dead. You missed your window of opportunity. But if I kept people out for playing with themselves, heaven would be a very lonely place, don’t you think? Are we clear?ALAN
Um, okay. Sure. I’m game. Let’s do this. What do I have to do to get into heaven?NINA (sitting)
I just need to ask you a few questions. Get to know you a bit. Aside from chronic masturbation, what other interests do you have?ALAN
Interests?NINA
Yes. ALAN
Well, I love the Bible. Just love it. Great read. All those thee's, thou's, begats and begots. Love the church. All the kneeling and praying and wine drinking. If I could go to church seven days a week, I would…have. NINA
Alan. I need you to be honest in this process. Don’t tell me things that aren’t true because you think I want to hear them.ALAN
Okay. Point taken. I help the homeless.NINA
How do you help the homeless?ALAN
By not disturbing them.NINA
Alan. What do you do for fun?ALAN
Fun?NINA
Yes. Fun. What does Alan do to have a good time?ALAN
Other than-?NINA
Yes. Other than.ALAN
Well, you can see by how I’m dressed that I like to party.NINA
Alan. Your body was found alone in your studio apartment. You died trying to heat up a can of Cheez-Whiz on the stove while rocking with Ryan Seacrest on the tube.ALAN
I died in my quest for warm cheese.NINA
Yes. And it doesn’t sound like you were having a lot of fun.ALAN
To get into heaven, I need to prove to you that I can have a good time?NINA
The only real mortal sin is boredom.ALAN
What about murder?NINA
That’s still bad, but boredom trumps murder. If you had bored someone to death, we wouldn’t be having this conversation. Heaven is forever. We want people we can hang with and enjoy. Not people who shut themselves up in their room and whack off. Those people to hell. And there’s no porn in hell.ALAN
No porn in hell? That doesn’t seem right.NINA
It does if you want people to not have a good time. The only thing to masturbate to in hell is the muffled voice of Rob Schneider.ALAN
I’m a fun guy.NINA
You’re not convincing me. You worked eight-to-ten hour days doing data entry, ate lunch out of vending machines alone in the employee break room, ate frozen entrees for dinner. Spent your evenings watching television with the remote in one hand and your genitalia in the other. ALAN
But my weekends-NINA
More television, more masturbating, less work. Heaven is a party. You have all the earmarks of a buzz kill. I’m afraid-ALAN
Wait. Wait. Give me another chance. I…I…I-I-I-I…do…impressions.NINA
You do impressions?ALAN
Yes. All the time. Around the apartment. I never did them for anybody, but they really crack me up. I think people will enjoy it.NINA
Okay. Amaze me.ALAN
Um… Okay… (He switches to a duck voice) “Frankly, Scarlet, I don’t give a damn.”NINA
That was -?ALAN
Oh, I forgot to tell you. All my impressions are celebrities as ducks. That was Clark Gable, as a duck.NINA
Do another one.ALAN (as a duck)
“That’s one small step for man, a giant leap for mankind – quack, quack, quack, quack!”NINA
That’s delightful! I love it. ALAN (as a duck)
“I’m glad you like it, pilgrim.”NINA
John Wayne! Come with me, Alan. You’re going to heaven.(Nina moves to the door with Alan in tow.)
ALAN
Yay! I mean (duck voice) "yay!"NINA
Can you do Donald Duck?ALAN
Uh, no. I can’t do celebrity ducks.(Nina looks at the door to hell and then back.)
NINA (opening heaven’s door, “Disco Duck” is playing)
That’s okay. Keep it under your hat.ALAN (awkwardly and enthusiastically hugs Nina)
Thanks, Nina.NINA
You’re welcome, you’re welcome. Go before I change my mind.(They both start dancing as they walk into heaven. Nina closes the door behind here, shutting out the music. Blackout.)
