Taking a break for a week. See you here next Monday. Don't be late.
"Dr. Edgar Mitchell claims aliens exist. He is uniquely qualified in this opinion because he what?"
"Police were called to Dick's Market in Centerville, Utah because of a reported bomb that turned out to be what?"
Centerville police Lt. Paul Child said the store was closed for about two hours while bomb sniffing dogs and a bomb technician ensured there was no real threat to the store. The device wrapped in duct tape turned out to be a piece of string cheese.
No arrests have been made. They believe it was an employee playing a prank. Me? I think it was a promotional stunt for these guys.
"Matthew Pillars and Jack Keiffer of San Luis Obispo, California have been sentenced for doing what to a passed-out drinking buddy?"
Matthew Craig Pillers, 22, and Jack Brent Nicholas Keiffer, 19, pleaded no contest to felony causing a fire that leads to great bodily injury, according to court officials.
The men routinely drank together and played practical jokes on each other. That night one of them poured cologne on Tuleja's groin area while he was passed out and allegedly lit his pants on fire, according to prosecutors. Tuleja suffered second-and third-degree burns on his testicles and third-degree burns on his inner thighs.
Second and third degree burns on his nads? Toasting someone's testicles is their idea of a practical joke? I want to party with these guys! Maybe they'll hog tie me and drag me through a cactus field. Won't that be good times!
"In an attempt to cut down on casualties in Iraq and Afghanistan, the British Army is doing what?"
Once down in hostile terrain in Iraq or Afghanistan, the dogs will be sent in first to seek out insurgents’ hideouts with tiny cameras fixed to their heads.
The cameras will beam live TV pictures back to the troops, warning of ambushes or showing enemy leaders’ locations.The cameras will also beam extreme close-ups of balls being licked and crotches being sniffed.
"A Daytona Beach police officer has been fired for threatening Starbucks employees with what if they didn't give him free coffee?"
"Calvin Morett of Saratoga Springs, NY, was ordered by a judge to write a letter of apology for attending a high school graduation dressed as what?"
"Charged as a sexual predator, Daniel Allen Everett of Clarkston, Michigan was arrested while wearing a t-shirt that said what?"
"Because of his use of a fake mustache for a disguise, a Chicago bank robber has been dubbed what?"
"Hanson's Auctioneers in England are set to auction off a pair of bloomers that belonged to whom?"
The knickers have a 50in (127cm) waist and date from the 1890s, which indicates the monarch had a large girth as she approached her 70s.
Hanson's Auctioneers are selling the bloomers on 30 July and expect them to fetch at least £500.Auctioneer Charles Hanson said: "These pants, considering their provenance and pedigree, are very exciting."
I spent fourteen hours at the theater yesterday in rehearsal and then detailing our oddly
elaborate set. This morning, I have to build a big, rubber cartoon mallet, cut
out a bounty of rubber meat, and find "the right" lamp shade and a string of
white Christmas lights all before 1pm for our first preview tonight.
Our set is incredible. It's a work of art in the truest sense of the word. If WNEP were
smart, they'd scrap the play and just charge people to come in and look at the set.
Tonight is our first time doing the show in front of an audience. Always an exciting time
for a show, but especially so given that Metaluna is a comedy and chock full of dada. I honestly
don't know what to expect, even though the show has been produced twice before to critical
acclaim. It could be a train wreck. If it is, it will be the most beautiful train wreck you
Previews - Tonight, Tuesday and Wednesday at A Red Orchid Theater, 1531 North Wells Street
in Chicago. Half a block down from North Avenue. $5 at the door.
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
On Friday, I asked...
"Dallas County commissioner Kenneth Mayfield has been accused of being racially insensitive for publicly using which term?"
Commissioner Kenneth Mayfield, who is white, said it seemed that central collections "has become a black hole" because paperwork reportedly has become lost in the office.
Commissioner John Wiley Price, who is black, interrupted him with a loud "Excuse me!" He then corrected his colleague, saying the office has become a "white hole." That prompted Judge Thomas Jones, who is black, to demand an apology from Mayfield for his racially insensitive analogy.
All right, folks. Have we learned the lesson of fellow Texan George W. Bush, yet? "Someone you'd have a beer with" is not a criteria for leadership and governing. Stop electing idiots to government. I want to start seeing report cards and grade point averages on elected officials.
Found this in my e-mail this morning. I new tactic for the 419 scammers. The color you see is the color in which it was written.
SOMEONE YOU CALLED YOUR FRIEND, WANTS YOU DEAD.
Attention and listen carefully.
I felt very sorry and bad for you, that your life is going to end like this if you don't comply, i was paid to eliminate you and I have to do it within 10 days.
Someone you call your friend wants you dead by all means, and the person have spent a lot of money on this, the person came to us and told us that he wants you dead and he provided us your names, photograph and other necessary information we needed about you. If you are in doubt with this I will send you your name and where you are residing in my next mail.
Meanwhile, I have sent my boys to track you down and they have carried out the necessary investigation needed for the operation, but I ordered them to stop for a while and not to strike immediately because I just felt something good and sympathetic about you. I decided to contact you first and know why somebody will want you dead by all means. Right now my men are monitoring you, their eyes are on you, and even the place you think is safer for you to hide might not be.
Now do you want to LIVE OR DIE? It is up to you. Get back to me now if you are ready to enter deal with me, I mean life trade, who knows, and I might just spear your life, $8,000 is all you need to spend. You will first of all pay $3,000 then I will send the tape of the person that want you dead to you and when the tape gets to you, you will pay the remaining $5,000. If you are not ready for my help, then I will have no choice but to carry on the assignment after all I have already being paid before now.
Warning: do not think of contacting the police or even tell anyone because I will extend it to any member of your family since you are aware that somebody want you dead, and the person knows some members of your family as well.
For your own good I will advise you not to go out once is 7pm until I make out time to see you and give you the tape of my discussion with the person who want you dead then you can use it to take any legal action. Good luck as I await your reply to this e-mail contact: firstname.lastname@example.org or email@example.com
Hmm... Paying $8,000 so he'll "spear my life" sounds counterproductive. He knows my name and address, which is very hard to get, unless you look it up, so it must be legit. I'm a little insulted by the asking price. If he's asking only $8k, then the person who put the hit on me only paid that much or less. I'd like to think I'm in the 20 grand and above category. Still, it's tempting. I'd just love to have a tape of the person who "want" me dead. Of course, I would have nothing to play it on. It doesn't say the person would be explaining why they want me dead, just that it's a tape of that person. I could end up with Men At Work's Greatest Hits. Colin Hayes could be my secret nemesis! But wait... He said it would be someone I called friend. Damn! It's Kenny Loggins! That would give me something worth living for, or dying for. Thanks William yahman! The check's in the snail mail. Can't wait to get my cassette tape.
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Yesterday, I asked...
"According to Moscow-based 'Business Analytica,' Russians will drink more than three liters of what this year?"
"A first-class passenger on a Delta Airlines flight from New York to Guyana got so angry when he saw economy passengers deplaning before him he did what?"
Police spokesman Sealall Persaud says the Guyanese man identified as Satyanand Christopher appeared to be intoxicated after the Delta Air Lines flight from New York.Pretty soon all these drunk jerks in the sky are going to ruin it for everyone else. They'll take away our booze privileges. We already can't carry on liquids. It will get to the point where we'll have to arrive at the airport drunk, which is just going to slow down going through security.
I said "Frisk me, dammit!"
Give me that wand, I'll show you how to look for weapons.
Yeah, I'm BOMBED. So, what, officer! ...Ow, not the face.
"The Presidential Memorial Commission of San Francisco wants to rename what after George W. Bush?"
Supporters hoping to put the issue on the November ballot turned in more than 10,000 signatures to, organizer Brian McConnell said. The measure needs just over 7,000 valid names to qualify and McConnell expects to find out later this month whether they made it.
Proponents of the renaming plan see it as fitting tribute to a president they contend has plumbed the depths of incompetence.
"We think that it's important to remember our leaders in the right historical context," said McConnell, a member of the group that was formed after friends came up with the renaming idea.
"In President Bush's case, we think that we will be cleaning up a substantial mess for the next 10 or 20 years," he said. "The sewage treatment facility's job is to clean up a mess, so we think it's a fitting tribute."I couldn't agree with these folks more. And I can see it opening the way for The Bill Clinton Memorial STD Clinic, The Ronald Reagan Senior Center and the George H. W. Bush Sanctuary for Delinquent Offspring.
Police say the man took a cab to a mall Monday and pretended to have a heart attack. The cab driver left unpaid.
Authorities say the man then ran up a $23 bill when he had a steak dinner at Applebee's. He again pretended to have a heart attack.
This time the fire department took him to a hospital. A doctor there recognized the man as having pulled the same stunt in the past few weeks.
He was charged Thursday with defrauding a restaurant as a habitual criminal. He could get up to nine months in prison and a $10,000 fine.Hmmm... I'd look for this in the future...
Judge: How do you plead?
Man: I plead...oh...oh,my...
Judge: What's the matter?
Man: My left arm. It's numb.
Man: Seriously. Someone call...a...ack...my chest...it's like a sledgehammer...
Judge: I am about to throw you in jail for contempt of court, sir!
(The man collapses on to the floor.)
Judge: I'm just not buying this, counselor.
Counselor: Yeah. He did the same thing when we discussed my bill. (Counselor taps man with his foot.) He's good though.
"Angel Eversole of Kentucky is facing prostitution charges for allegedly trading sex for what?"