Week 27, Day 189 - "Violets in Garlic Sauce"

“Violets in Garlic Sauce”
Written by Joe Janes
7/26/09
189 of 365

Cast
Eye
Ear
Nose
Mouth
Lobster Claw Mustache

(Lights up on five “artists” dressed in shiny black unitards and wearing full heads masks. Each mask represents that artist’s character: Eye, Ear, Nose, Mouth, Lobster Claw Mustache. The begin by standing close to one another and forming as much of a face as possible with their parts.)

EYE

Arrrrrr!

EAR

Tuh!

NOSE

Ess!

MOUTH

Enn!

LOBSTER CLAW MUSTACHE

Danj!

EYE

Lift your hands up high-

EAR

And let your belly fail.

NOSE

Grab the kettledrum in your ear-

MOUTH

And pull the coffin out of your nose!

LOBSTER CLAW MUSTACHE

Few who know what good they are!

EYE

Arrrrrr!

EAR

Tuh!

NOSE

The cows are sitting on the telegraph wires playing chess.

MOUTH

Take your foot out of the butter before it is too late.

LOBSTER CLAW MUSTACHE

Van Gogh had an offensive breath and is dead.

EYE

Arrrrrr!

EAR

Tuh!

NOSE

Ess!

MOUTH

Art grows on society’s abdomen.

LOBSTER CLAW MUSTACHE

Heaven, hell and kayaking.

EYE

Arrrrrr!

EAR

Tuh!

NOSE

Ess!

MOUTH

Enn!

LOBSTER CLAW MUSTACHE

Einstein is a cigar and cuts himself off.

EYE

Let us stuff Monet. Let us. Let us.

EAR

Tuh!

NOSE

Ess!

MOUTH

Enn!

LOBSTER CLAW MUSTACHE

Danj!

EYE

Copyright reserved.

EAR

Kids eat free.

NOSE

Ess!

MOUTH

Enn!

LOBSTER CLAW MUSTACHE

Danj!

EYE

My toe nails are rosy and glittery.

EAR

I am ignored.

NOSE

Men have no instinct.

MOUTH

There is a long line passing through my middle-

LOBSTER CLAW MUSTACHE

-Crossing my nose-

EYE

-my Adam’s apple-

EAR

-my Eve’s plumb –

NOSE

-my naval-

MOUTH

-and other essential organs.

LOBSTER CLAW MUSTACHE

Danj!

(They each repeat their own designated monosyllabic sound, in order, as often as necessary, or unnecessary. Arrr, tuh, ess, enn, danj! Until we realize that they are saying “Art is in danger!” And then they break it down, mixing up the order and volume until is deconstructs and falls apart. They mumble and stumble and leave the stage until all that is left is Nose and Lobster Claw Mustache. Lobster Claw Mustache takes it place under Nose.)

NOSE

I love you.

LOBSTER CLAW MUSTACHE

I know.

(Blackout)

Week 25, Day 172 - "The Hippening"

“The Hippening”
Written by Joe Janes
7/9/09
172 of 365

CAST
G. Notary, 50s
Cassandra, 50s
Eduardo, 30s
Blaine, 50s
Nadia, 20s

(Lights up on an old, vacant bank lobby. G.Notary, dressed all in black save for the Holiday Inn bath towel wrapped around his waist. He is pacing frantically talking into a cell phone.)

G. NOTARY (on phone)

Make sure it’s a hermaphrodite. Not a fuckin’ tranny…and shuh-he has to be okay with me calling her-im Nadia. …Yes. A hermaphrodite. …Why? Because I’m not a fag, that’s why! (Hangs up) Cassandra! Cassandra!

(Cassandra rushes in carrying an incredibly large cup of coffee and a zebra head.)

CASSANDRA

Right here, G. Right here!

G. NOTARY

Cassandra, we are going to transform this bank lobby in just twenty minutes into the most amazing art installation Des Moines has ever seen. Beasts of the earth roaming through the circles of life. Rivers of hungry saliva that course through a man’s soul. The power of nature juxtaposed with the power of hard, shiny surfaces and chained pens.

CASSANDRA

Very powerful, G. Very powerful.

(G’s phone rings. He picks it up. Cassandra starts to walk away, but he snaps his fingers to keep her there.)

G. NOTARY

G. Notary, speak! …Has she given birth? Excellent. …No, no, don’t rinse it off. We want as much placenta as possible. More the merrier. Give the mother a tranq or something. (Hangs up) The rhinoceros has given birth.

CASSANDRA

That’s great news, G!

G. NOTARY

Why are you still here?

CASSANDRA

I’m not.

(She quickly exits.)

G. NOTARY

Eduardo! Eduardo!

(Eduardo enters. He is dressed as an animal, something with a tail, like a bull, but has his own shaved human head.)

EDUARDO

Right here, G.

G. NOTARY

Eduardo! I shall devour a shake made of iced milk, chocolated. A salad, sans raisins. Dressed in ranch and the love of a motherly woman. And Frenched fries.

EDUARDO

The usual.

G. NOTARY

Yes. The usual.

(Eduardo starts to exit.)

G. NOTARY

You have a lovely skull.

EDUARDO

Thank you.

(G’s phone rings.)

G. NOTARY

G. Notary, speak! …Yes, yes! We start in less than twenty minutes. Get your garbanzo buns here, Rudolph. …And bring …Nadia. She is my muse. This installation is dedicated to her, Rudolph. Whoa, oh, whoa! My hermit like heart seals itself off like a crab shelled, yet its meat is tender and buttery … She must come. Nadia must come. Tell her there will be appletinis! (He hangs up) Why does my art bring such torment into my life? Why do I not have a breast in my hand, right now?

(G. collapses on the floor and flails himself. Blaine enters. He wears a pinstriped suit and walks with stately elegance. Very Tim Gunn.)

BLAINE

Smells like a funeral home in here. Pine-Sol and formaldehyde. G. your gnashing of teeth is tiresome. You must no longer mourn the loss of our father’s love. Soldier on. Bring forth your manhood and thrust it upon the marbled walls of this lobby. Set your jaw, tell the world to fuck off, and suck on the teat of life.

G. NOTARY

Nadia is not coming. I do this for her.

BLAINE

You do this because it is breath to you. It is your water and your life. If you did not do this, you would suffocate. Or dehydrate. Nadia is a thumbnail stabbing at the chambers of your heart. Brush it away. Brush it away.

(G. Notary stands and walks over to Blaine. He hugs him. They slap each other. They hug, again.)

G. NOTARY AND BLAINE

Driver of madness, drive on!

(Blaine exits. G’s phone rings.)

G. NOTARY

G. Notary, speak!... I was crying, that’s all… A better question is why aren’t we all crying all the time? …How many pillows? How many pillows? How the hell should I know? However many pillows it takes to fill this lobby up to my hips, that’s how many. I should be wading in pockets of downy goodness.

(Cassandra enters. She no longer carries the world’s largest coffee cup. She is attempting to eat the world’s largest bagel.)

CASSANDRA

G. When does the show begin?

G. NOTARY

A better question is when does the show end? When does it ever end?

(Eduardo enters carrying a bag of food from McDonald’s.)

EDUARDO

Here is your food, G. Extra raisins.

(Blaine enters. His pant legs are rolled up to his knees and he is barefoot. Flowers stick out between his toes.)

BLAINE

The king is dead.

(Nadia enters dressed in white Jackie Kennedy-era attire.)

NADIA

Hello, G.

G. NOTARY

Hello, Nadia.

NADIA

I came.

G. NOTARY

I see.

NADIA

I’m leaving you.

G. NOTARY

I know.

NADIA

After the appletinis.

(She exits.)

G. NOTARY

I knew that, too.

(G looks sad and everyone looks sympathetic. They surround him in stage-picture worthy half-hugs and hold their poses. G’s phone rings.)

G. NOTARY (picks up)

G. Notary, speak! …Hermaphrodite! Look it up!

(Blackout)

Week Six, Day Forty-One - “This Is My Art”

“This Is My Art”
Written by Joe Janes
2/28/09
41 of 365

CAST
Yahnkin, 50s, Australian

(We hear slow building light classical music, sort of like the theme from 2001, but, please God, not that! As the music builds, light comes up center stage revealing Yahnkin. He is playing the music on a keyboard with his right hand. He wears a hands free microphone on his head. He is naked except for a pair of tight black spandex shorts and a cape. His left arm is shrouded under the cape. When the music reaches its peak it stops cold and he dramatically raises his left arm revealing a fish fin.)

YAHNKIN

The evolution of man – and woo-man. When man first crawled from the ocean he did so on all four fins. The further he moved from the surf, the more his fins became obsolete. They fell from his – and her – body and were replaced by fleshy hands and feet. Feet, which are just long hands with nubby fingers. But was evolution the right choice? If man – and woo-man – had to do it all over again, would they make the same choice? I am Yahnkin. I am an artist. I call this performance piece “First Hand.” Last year in Helsinki, a top team of well-paid surgeons removed my left arm and replaced it with the ventral fin of a whale. It cost millions of dollars. The expense was underwritten by three major universities, one not as major university and Pepsi. I did this so I could experience, first hand, what it was like for our ancestors when they were finned.

(Yahnkin steps over to a small table with various props on it.)

What was it like for the first man – or woo-man – to drink for refreshment?

(He tries to grab a can of Pepsi with his fin. He is unable to and ends up knocking the can on the ground. He mewls like an animal in frustration.)

What was it like to groom one’s self?

(He reaches for a hairbrush and tries to pick it up. He is unable to. He tries to comb his hair with his fin and cries while doing so.)

My biggest question was how did man – or woo-man – move beyond the daily needs of function and learn to express love through touch.

(He approaches a woman in the audience.)

Please stand. (Whether she stands or not, he sincerely says…) Thank you. What was it like for a finned being to caress the cheek of a lover? (He does so while sighing.) …What was it like to playfully tickle? (He does so while saying “Goochie-coo.”)... What was it like to strike another in a fit of rage (He rears his fin over his head as if about to hit her. He regains control and calms himself down.) I promised the doctors that I would never use my fin in anger.

(He walks back to his original position at the keyboard and strikes a sustaining note.)

We lost our fins to evolution. We should reclaim them. Reclaim them in the name of revolution! I am Yahnkin.

(He takes a deep bow, regardless of the response. He then looks at the watch on his human arm.)

I still have another 45 minutes left in my performance. I will spend the rest of the time standing here and you may come up and touch my fin.

(He stands and waits in silence. If someone does, great. If no one does, even better. After a long, painful lull...)

I will now retire to my dressing room, which is the men’s bathroom on the third floor. Please knock before entering if you need to use it. I am Yahnkin!

(He exits with a flourish. Lights out.)