DAY 365 - "White Chocolate"

Thank you everyone who has supported me on this yearlong creative journey. People have told me they have found it inspirational which alone has made it worth it.

Tomorrow night, I'll be at Goose Island in Wrigleyville tipping back a pale ale around 7pm. Stop by and say howdy if you can.

The next step in the project is to start rewriting and prepping 26 shows that will present all 365 sketches over ten days in June at the Strawdog Theater. But I won't start that until Wednesday. Tomorrow is my first day off in a year from sketch writing. I will keep people posted on the progress on this blog. We'll keep the "365 Sketches" name for a while longer.

Big thanks to Don Hall who, aside from inspiring a few scenes, has been very empowering in keeping me looking forward and is producing the Strawdog shows. I don't know if there's anyone who has read all 365, but if anyone has come close, it's my brother Don and fellow Robot vs. Dinosaur, Chris Othic. Alisa Hauser, Mark Krause and Kayla Branch have probably read the majority of them. Their support has been invaluable. (If there is someone who has read them all that I missed, let me know. I'd like to thank you.) The people who have given me shout outs from time-to-time or asked me how it was going are too numerous to try to list and I'm sure I would fail in trying to remember them all. Your encouragement was also appreciated.

I also received tremendous support through my participation in Robot vs. Dinosaur ("Run, Palindrome, Nur" and "Mrs. Gruber's Ding Dong School") and WNEP ("The (edward) Hopper Project" and "Nighthawk Sandwich"). They gave me projects to write for which helped keep me going. My Tuesday night men's goals group (Mike, Matt, Brian, Doug, Tony, Brad, Tom and Ed) also kept me accountable.

Chris warned against doing the 365 project. His reasoning was sound. It might suck and, in turn, do damage to my reputation as a writer and a teacher. But once I embarked on it, he became one of my staunchest supporters and never backed off on tough criticism or high praise when giving feedback on scenes.

This is for Chris who requested a scene on a spaceship with aliens and women in mini-skirts.

“White Chocolate”

Written by Joe Janes

1/18/10

365 of 365

Cast:

Capt. Bob Dingle, 40s

Carlo, 20s

Cassandra, 20s

Duche, ???

Chak Bluker, ???

(Lights up on Captain Bob Dingle quarters on the spaceship U.S.S. Amaretto. We hear a COM whistle. The captain walks out shirtless, in tight black pants, drying his hair with a space towel. He presses a button on his communication console.)

DINGLE

Captain Bob Dingle, here.

CARLO (VO)

Yes, captain. I know.

DINGLE

What is it, Carlo?

CARLO (VO)

We just entered the Vagon quadrant and are on a steady course to Alpha 3. We should be there in six hours.

DINGLE

Thank you, Carlo. Is Yeoman Cassandra on her way?

CARLO (VO - sighs)

Yes, Sir. She’s bringing you the reports you asked for.

DINGLE

Excellent. We are not to be disturbed. Is that clear?

CARLO (VO)

As usual with new female crew members.

DINGLE

Have the galley send up some Parnassian Champagne and some of those toasted coconut scallop thingies from Enyothic 4. I think this meeting could last hours. Hours upon hours. We’ll need sustenance.

CARLO (VO)

They should already be in your quarters, sir.

DINGLE

Ah, yes. I see. Thank you, Ensign. (There is an old-timey doorbell sound.) I have to go. Wish me luck.

CARLO (VO)

Sir?

DINGLE

It’s something sailor’s do.

CARLO (VO)

Good luck, Sir.

DINGLE

I won’t need it.

(He presses a button. Sits seductively in his chair.)

DINGLE (continuing)

Come in.

(Yeoman Cassandra comes in. Her uniform is a one-piece short skirt and boots. She carries space clipboards with her.)

CASSANDRA

I have the supply reports, Captain.

DINGLE

Go ahead and set them down over there. (She does.) Oh, that’s good.

CASSANDRA

You look like you just got out of the shower. I can come back.

DINGLE

Nonsense. We’re a military outfit on the USS Amaretto. Close quarters. In the trenches. Space trenches. There are going to be times when we’ll see one another in various states of undress. We have to get used to it. (He traces one of his nipples.) Do you find it distracting?

CASSANDRA

I’m a little uncomfortable.

DINGLE

I’ll go ahead and change. (He walks off.) How is your first interstellar space mission going, Yeoman? Is it everything you expected?

CASSANDRA

It’s very exciting. Going to worlds most humans can only imagine. I look forward to learning about alien cultures first hand.

DINGLE

I can take you places no woman has ever been.

(Dingle reenters wearing a smoking jacket over his bare chest.)

DINGLE (continuing)

There. That’s better. I was just going to have a sip of champagne and a toasted scallop or two. Would you like to join me?

CASSANDRA

Captain. I have a husband.

DINGLE

Oh. You haven’t heard.

CASSANDRA

Heard what?

DINGLE

What happens the Vagon quadrant stays in the Vagon quadrant.

(We hear the COM whistle, again. Dingle pushes a button.)

DINGLE

Captain Bob Dingle, here.

CARLO (VO)

Yes, Sir. There is an important message from space command. It’s on a secured channel.

DINGLE

Right on schedule, Carlo. Pump it into my cabin.

CARLO (VO –sighs)

Yes, Sir.

(We hear Marvin Gaye’s “Let’s Get It On” start playing in the captain’s quarters. He starts dancing “seductively” at Cassandra.)

DINGLE

Ooh. That sounds like a very important message, Yeoman.

CASSANDRA

It sounds like an old rhythm and blues song from the mid-20^th century.

DINGLE

That’s because it’s in code. I’ll decipher it for you. “Attention. Codename: White Chocolate…That’s me…”

CASSANDRA

That’s not the lyrics.

DINGLE

It’s embedded in the thumping, throbbing rhythms, Cassandra. To read it properly, I need to put my hips into it. If you move your hips, you might be able hear it, too. (He listens, again.) “…Your mission in space may last another year without returning home to loved ones. A long, cold, lonely 365 earth days. Recommend to fend off space madness, that crewmembers have conjugal visitations with one another. As captain, you should be taken care of first.” And then it repeats. Well, there you go, Yeoman Cassandra. We have to protect Captain White Chocolate from space madness.

(Cassandra goes over to the console and turns the music off.)

CASSANDRA

You’re the captain of the most powerful spaceship in the galaxy and you have to resort to tactics like this to try to get laid?

DINGLE

Yes.

(We hear a loud crash. Lights flicker and go dim. Cassandra and Dingle get knocked into each other and around the cabin. Warning alarms go off. Carlo breaks in on the COM.)

CARLO (VO)

Captain! Captain! We’re under attack.

(The shaking stops. Cassandra pushes Dingle off her.)

DINGLE

Who is it, Carlo?

CARLO (VO)

Haggian Chak Blukers, Sir!

DINGLE

Chak Blukers! Damn, them! They always know when I’m about to get some.

CASSANDRA

You weren’t-

DINGLE

Fire everything you’ve got at them!

CARLO (VO)

It’s too late. They boarded us, already. (We hear sounds of fighting and lasers being shot.) Captain, they got…me. (We hear the sound of a phone go dead and then a dial tone. Dingle pushes a button and turns it off.)

DINGLE

I have a bad feeling about this.

CASSANDRA

You should. We’re in trouble.

(There is the sound of a blast and Duche Bog, a large smelly Haggian Chalk Bluker, bursts in with another similarly large and smelly Chalk Bluker. Duche points his weapon at Dingle. The other Bluker grabs Cassandra.)

DINGLE

Duche Bog! I should have known.

DUCHE

Captain Bob Dingle. Aka, White Chocolate.

DINGLE

You broke our code!

DUCHE

Oh, please. You’ve been trying to spread that nickname in three galaxies.

DINGLE

It fits, don’t you think?

DUCHE

I have no idea what it refers to in your world, but I don’t think it will replace what everyone already calls you.

DINGLE

And what’s that?

DUCHE

Jackass. We have unfinished business. You gallivant across the universe and try to screw any race that has a hole you can stick your weenie in.

CASSANDRA

You call it a weenie on your planet?

DUCHE

“Weenie” and “jackass” are universal. Unfortunately, your captain doesn’t do his research. He killed a friend of mine, a Dolphinium, by plugging up the blowhole with his weenie.

CASSANDRA

Ew.

DINGLE

I thought the squeals meant she was enjoying it.

DUCHE

You mean “he.”

DINGLE

Ew.

DUCHE

You. Earth woman. (He takes off his belt and walks up to her.) Leave.

DINGLE

What will happen to her?

DUCHE

We will put her on our slave ship where we will make her wear a metal bikini and take anti-gravity bubble baths in a glass enclosure. She will also read us bedtime stories. (He shrugs.) We have trouble sleeping.

CASSANDRA

Captain!

DINGLE

Don’t worry. I will rescue you.

DUCHE

You can try. (He signals for her to be taken off and the other Chak Bluker does so.) If you can still walk.

(Duche sets his weapon down and presses a button on the console. We hear “Let’s Get It On.” He starts dancing at a terrified Dingle as lights fade.)

Week 45, Day 315 - "Cat Men On The Moon"

“Cat Men On The Moon”

Written by Joe Janes

11/29/09

315 of 365

Cast:

Capt. Yolanda, 30s

Cmdr. Carol, 30s

Lt. Lana, 30s

Leonardo, 30s

Crispin, 30s

Harris, 30s

(Lights up on Yolanda, Carol and Lana in their spaceship.)

CAPT. YOLANDA

There it is, ladies. After six months in space, we’ve finally reached it. The moon.

COMMANDER CAROL

Sure is a pretty sight, Captain.

LT. LANA

When do we break out the champagne?

CAPT. YOLANDA

They’ll be plenty of time to celebrate, Lt. Lana, when we’re back home on earth, safe and sound.

LT. LANA

That’s too bad. Six months cooped up in this spaceship with you two, a girl could go batty.

COMMANDER CAROL

Guess I’ll save these cigars, too. (She pats her breast pocket.)

CAPT. YOLANDA

Coming in for a landing. Brace yourselves.

(The ship is having a rocky time of it.)

COMMANDER CAROL

The engines have cut out.

CAPT. YOLANDA

I have very little control. The steering is shot.

LT. LANA

Aim for that canyon on the right. It looks like it has a smooth service for landing.

CAPT YOLANDA

I’ll do my best.

(We hear the sound of the ship crashing. Darkness. Lights back up on the three of them outside their spacecraft.)

CAPT. YOLANDA

Well, how does it look?

COMMANDER CAROL

Well, he’s banged up pretty bad. But I think I can knock the dings out of him. The propulsion system seems shot. I can’t find anything wrong, it just won’t go. It’s dead. We’re not getting out of here unless someone picks us up and throws us.

CAPT. YOLANDA

What’s your report, Lt.?

LT. LANA

We have enough food and water to last a week. Maybe two, if we go easy on the Tab.

CAPT. YOLANDA

Quite a fix, ain’t it, ladies? Always wanted to go to the moon. Didn’t know I’d get stuck here.

LT. LANA

And no men around for millions of miles.

(A “meow” is heard.)

COMMANDER CAROL

Anybody else hear that?

CAPT. YOLANDA

Must have been the wind.

(Another “meow” is heard from a different location)

LT. LANA

That’s no wind.

(The three stand like a triangle with their backs to each other, slowly rotating.)

CAPT. YOLANDA

Come out and show yourself or we start shooting.

LEONARDO entering)

There’s no need for that.

(Three men dressed in black leotards and cat ears enter. It is Leonardo, Crispin and Harris – pronounced harr-iss.)

LEONARDO

We mean you no harm. I am Leonardo. This is Crispin and Harris.

CRISPIN

Meow.

HARRIS

Meow.

LT. LANA

Men! Sort of.

CAPT. YO

We are from the planet Earth.

LEONARDO

We know where you are from. We brought you here.

CDR CAROL

We’ve been traveling here for months.

LEONARDO

We brought you here with our minds! (They all press their temples and meow in unison)

CAPT. YO

We were coming here any way. Your minds had nothing to do with it.

LEONARDO

We’re the ones keeping you here, Captain Yolanda. Our minds prevent you from flying away.

CMDR CAROL

That explains why I can’t find anything wrong.

LT. LANA

He knew your name?

CAPT. YOLANDA

He knows all our names, Lana. They’re on our uniforms.

LEONARDO

Enough of this chitty chatting. Come with us.

CAPT. YO

We’re not going anywhere.

LEONARDO

Yes, you are. (They all three use their mind-meowing focusing all their energy. This goes for a long time until they run out of breath.) Oh, just get them.

(Crispin and Harris grab Lana, Carol and Capt. Yo while Leonardo circles them with a rope, occasionally swatting away Crispin and Harris, who keep batting at the big string.)

CAPT YO

At least tell us who you are. You are the first alien life forms earthlings have ever encountered.

LEONARDO

We are the cat men of the Moon.

CDR CAROL

Where are all the women?

LEONARDO

They are all…gone. We need you three to populate the moon with us. You will be our love slaves.

LT. LANA

Why would we want to do that?

CDR CAROL

It’s not really my thing.

LEONARDO

Perhaps this will change your mind. (Leonardo, Crispin and Harris all start dancing seductively to some Theremin-type music.)

LEONARDO, CRISPIN AND HARRIS (singing)

We are, We are the cat men of the moon

Clawing into your minds sooner or later

Our feline motions will make you go swoon

We don’t poop in a box, we use a crater

(Their dancing leads to rubbing their faces up against the women’s legs.)

CAPT YO

Okay, okay. I can’t take it any more. We’ll mate with you.

LEONARDO

That’s better.

CAPT YO

Untie us. We can’t mate with you unless we can move around.

(Leonardo unties them.)

LEONARDO

Very well. No tricks. We still have our claws. (The cat men all hiss lightly.)

CAPT YO

C’mon, ladies.

LT. LANA

Captain, what gives?

CAPT YO

Just follow my lead. Pick a tabby, girls. Let’s do some heavy petty.

(Capt Yo starts rubbing Leonardo’s ears, Lt. Lana scratches Crispin’s chin, and Cmdr Carol rubs Harris’s belly.)

CMDR. CAROL (sneezing)

We sure are kicking up a lot of fur.

LT.LANA

My eyes are starting to burn.

CAPT YO

Keep rubbing.

LEONARDO

This feels so good. Oh, no.

(Leonardo doubles over and starts hacking up a hairball. Crispin and Harris soon join him.)

CAPT. YO

Just as I hoped. Hairballs. Lana – try the propulsion system.

LT. LANA (runs to spaceship)

It’s all lit up.

CMDR CAROL

I don’t get it?

CAPT YO

While hacking up fur balls, they can’t use their minds to control our spaceship. Let’s go!

(The women run off and we hear their spaceship blast off.)

LEONARDO

No! No! Come back! Come back!

(The three collapse together, recovering from their hairballs, wailing at the sky.)

CRISPIN

What shall we do, now?

HARRIS

We’ll never repopulate the moon.

LEONARDO

We shall use our minds to pull them back- oh, hey, you’ve got something in your ear.

(Leonardo starts licking Crispin’s ear as Harris starts grooming himself, stops for a moment and looks up, resumes licking himself. Cut to the women in their spaceship.)

CAPT YO

That was close.

LT. LANA

We’re on our way home, now. All systems go.

CAPT YO

Set a course for home, Commander.

CMDR CAROL

Meow, sir.

(Theremin music kicks in as Yo and Lana look at Carol who slyly licks her paw. As the lights fade we hear…)

LEONARDO, CRISPIN AND HARRIS (singing)

We are, We are the cat men of the moon!

Week 30, Day 209 - “Grekkor the Alien"

“Grekkor the Alien”
Written by Joe Janes
8/15/09
209 of 365

CAST
Grekkor, ?
Chance, 30s
Deter, 50s
Dunkin, 40s
Jeri, 20s
Mike, 30s

(Lights click on above Grekkor the Magnificent sitting alone in a chair. He sits still, looking down. He is an alien and dresses in oddly shaped armor. Dreadlock/tentacles pour out from under his helmet. We hear footsteps. Two men in dark suits under and one flips on a switch that brings more light to the room. The two men sit at a table nearby.)

CHANCE

Good morning, Grekkor.

DETER

It’s good to see you, again, Grekkor.

GREKKOR (in a deep, masculine voice)

Hello.

CHANCE

How are you feeling this morning, Grekkor?

GREKKOR

I am feeling fine.

DETER

That’s good to hear. We’re almost finished with our tests.

GREKKOR

That is good.

CHANCE

We thought you would think so.

DETER

Speaking on behalf of all my colleagues, it has truly been a pleasure to work with you.

CHANCE

You are our country’s, well, the world’s, first encounter with a being from another planet.

DETER

And we really appreciate how cooperative you have been.

GREKKOR

Other from my planet were worried that you would throw me on a table and cut me open to see what was inside.

(Chance and Deter look at each other and laugh.)

DETER

How barbaric.

CHANCE

We got everything we needed from your blood samples and the MRI.

DETER

If we cut you open, it would be very hard to ask you about any of it.

CHANCE

Or learn about your culture. Which reminds me, we have a few more questions.

GREKKOR

I am more than happy to answer them.

DETER

Well, I should preface this by saying these questions come from our fellow countrymen.

CHANCE

After we asked all our well-educated scientific-based questions, our president asked that we open up questions to the general public.

(Chance and Deter look at each other a little concerned, a little ashamed.)

GREKKOR

I would like that very much. I have yet to meet anyone from your planet other than your small group of doctors and scientists.

DETER

All the questions were submitted on-line in video. So, you’ll be able to see the person asking the question.

CHANCE

Many of the questions were redundant, so we narrowed it down to the three most popular questions.

DETER

Here’s the first…

(Deter uses a remote to start the video on a screen. Dunkin appears “on screen” wearing a Red Wings jersey and drinking a beer.)

DUNKIN

Hey, there Gekko.

GREKKOR

It’s Grekkor.

CHANCE

He can’t hear you.

DUNKIN

Here’s my question. Cool that you’re an alien, like some interstellar wetback.

GREKKOR

My dorsal is not moist.

DETER

He still can’t hear you.

GREKKOR

Just saying.

DUNKIN

But if you’re here to take away our jobs, that you can get back in that spaceship of yours and fly it all the way to hell. And if you ain’t here to take our jobs, then how you paying for leaching off of Ol’ Uncle Sam?

GREKKOR

Who?

CHANCE

Uh-

DUNKIN

Who’s paying for your room and board there space fella? How we know you ain’t just going to fill up on food and steal all our Fort Knox gold and the next thing we know you’re outta here without so much as a note on the pillow. Well?

(Deter turns off the “video.”)

GREKKOR

Was that the question? “Well?”

DETER

I think Dunkin’s question, if I understood it correctly, is simply, “Why are you here?’

GREKKOR

Why did he use so many words that weren’t that to ask that?

DETER

I don’t know.

GREKKOR

My answer is the same as I told you. We have been aware of your planet for some time. It has only been in the past ten cycles that we have been able to achieve reaching your planet. We wish simply to make contact with you. We’re just saying, “hello.”

CHANCE

I’ll put down “friendly visit.”

DETER

Here’s our next question…

(Deter pushes a button on the remote. Jeri in a tube-top and big blond hair and too much make-up appears on screen.)

JERI

Hi, Gekko. My name is Jeri and I’m from Gainesville, Florida. Whooooo! My question is this. You are from outer space, right? Have you read the Bible? Because there’s no mention of you in the Bible. Which means you are probably Satan and here to destroy us. So, I guess my question is a two-parter. Have you read the Bible? If not, why not? Are you Satan? And are you here to destroy us? Go, Gators!

(Deter turns off the video.)

GREKKOR

That was one of your most asked questions?

DETER

Yes.

GREKKOR

I don’t know how to answer any of that except that I haven’t read the Bible. I don’t know what that is.

CHANCE

It’s a religious book believed by many people here on earth to be the word on where human beings and our plant came from.

GREKKOR

Oh, from Manoobi.

DETER

Manoobi?

GREKKOR

Manoobi created everything in all the galaxies. It is all a part of his divine design.

CHANCE

People here think God created the universe.

GREKKOR

When?

CHANCE

When?

DETER

Well, depends on whom you ask. Some people think only about five thousand years ago. Others, five billion years ago.

GREKKOR

Manoobi wins. He created all living things a trillion years ago. He probably created your God in his own image.

(Chance starts to write this down. Deter stops him.)

DETER

Doesn’t know what the Bible is, hasn’t read it. Let’s leave it at that.

CHANCE

But-

DETER

Let’s leave it at that. Okay. Grekkor, Thank you for your patience. Just one last question.

CHANCE

Do we have to?

DETER

It is the most popular question asked. And this next gentleman did it more succinctly than others. Here we go…

(Deter uses the remote to turn on the video. Mike appears. He is a large man in a too tight t-shirt. He might work out, but he uses steroids, if he does. Beefy without much definition.)

MIKE

Can I fuck you?

GREKKOR

What?

MIKE

I ain’t gay, but I also ain’t never fucked an alien. I’ve fucked a lot of women in my time, one fat chick on a dare, and a few farm animals, not on a dare. I just want to stick my dick in an alien.

(Deter turns it off.)

DETER

I’m really sorry, Grekkor.

CHANCE

Most of our people would like to know what it is like to have sex with you. It could be considered flattering.

DETER

Or stupid.

CHANCE

Please don’t think less of us as a whole.

GREKKOR

I’ll have sex with him.

DETER

You will?

GREKKOR

Sure. It’s a natural curiosity. People from my planet would want to know the same thing about you.

CHANCE (opening a door)

We had Mike brought here in the off chance you agreed to this.

(Mike enters.)

MIKE

He said yes?

GREKKOR (standing)

Hello, Mike.

MIKE

Hot damn! I am going to be famous. I’m the first guy in the whole world to pork an alien.

GREKKOR (picking up Mike)

I am happy to oblige.

MIKE

Just to be clear, I’m a pitcher, not a catcher.

GREKKOR

That’s fine with me.

DETER

You know what that means?

GREKKOR

We call it the same thing on my planet.

(Grekkor carries Mike to the door.)

MIKE

Hey, do I need a condom?

GREKKOR

Not at all. The hooks in my vagina will impale the sperm just before it chews off your penis.

MIKE

Awesome.

(They exit.)

DETER

Write down that Grekkor is a female.

CHANCE

Guess we missed that part. Looks so much like a dude.

MIKE (off)

Oh, God! Oh, God!

GREKKOR (off)

Oh, Manoobi!

(Mike screams. Chance and Deter shake their heads as lights fade.)

Week 26, Day 177 - "Alienation of Affection""

“Alienation of Affection”
Written by Joe Janes
7/14/09
177 of 365

CAST
Bernard, 40s
Phyllis, 40s
Noreen, 40s

(Lights up on Bernard wearing an 80’s-style yellow jumpsuit with shoulder pads. It is a bit snug on him, especially around the waist. He is setting a table for a romantic candle lit dinner. We hear a door close offstage.)

PHYLLIS (off)

Bernard?

BERNARD

In the dining room, Phyllis.

PHYLLIS

The dining room? (She stands in the doorway, wearing a woman’s business suit and carrying a bag stuffed with papers from work.) I forgot we had a dining room.

BERNARD

It’s a shame we never used it.

PHYLLIS

It smells like heaven in here.

BERNARD

That would be the eggplant parmesan.

PHYLLIS

Eggplant parm and what else?

BERNARD

Um, oh, my Axe Body Spray.

PHYLLIS

My favorite dish and my favorite dish. And I thought it was just going to be another boring Tuesday night.

BERNARD

Sit, Phyllis. Sit. Have some wine.

(Phyllis sits.)

PHYLLIS

Must say I could get used to this royal treatment, Bernard. What’s with the 80’s night?

BERNARD

This? It’s my uniform.

PHYLLIS

Bernard, you were wearing that the night we met in Dayton, Ohio.

BERNARD

So, I was.

PHYLLIS

Can’t believe you dragged that thing out of mothballs. I’m so glad my sister dragged me to that nightclub, though. Never thought I’d meet my future husband there. I tell my students that if they want to meet the love of their life, they better learn how to dance and hold their liquor.

BERNARD

Wise words for third graders to hear.

PHYLLIS

I think I smell a rat. You cheated on me.

BERNARD

What?

PHYLLIS

You did! You cheated on me. You wouldn’t act like this unless there was something wrong. There must be something very, very wrong. Who is she?

BERNARD

No one, Phyllis. No one. I didn’t cheat on you. You’re the only one on earth for me.

PHYLLIS

More wine. (Bernard pours her more wine.) So after twenty years of marriage, you just decide, out of the blue, to cook up a romantic evening for your wife.

BERNARD

Well, no. Not exactly. I have something to tell you.

PHYLLIS

I knew it.

BERNARD

I’m an alien.

(Phyllis looks serious for a moment and then laughs.)

BERNARD (continuing)

I return to my home planet in an hour. (Phyllis laughs some more.) The mother ship is almost in range to pick me up.

PHYLLIS

Stop, Bernard. I can’t eat if you keep making me laugh.

BERNARD

Phyllis. I mean it. You know how we’ve never been able to have kids?

PHYLLIS

Because of your low sperm count.

BERNARD

That’s just what I told you. It’s because my penis is actually a third arm. Very handy working the flonium mines on my planet. In my species, sexual organs are in the feet. For both genders.

PHYLLIS

So, every time I gave you a foot massage I was actually…

BERNARD

Oh, yeah. And it was very good.

PHYLLIS

Bernard. You’re putting me on. This eggplant parmesan is the best. Good job.

BERNARD

Phyllis, I need you to believe me. I’m leaving. For good. Forever.

PHYLLIS

Well, if you want to leave then just leave. You don’t have to make up all this spaceman bullshit. Be a man about it.

BERNARD

I can’t be a man about it. I’m not a man. I’m a Turlubian. From Turlubia. Several solar systems away.

PHYLLIS

Okay, fine. You’re a Turlubian. From Turlubia. What are you doing here? Why have you been Bernard, my husband, for the last twenty years?

BERNARD

I’ve been doing research. I was sent here to study you humans and your planet to help determine if Tulurbia will invade and take over or leave you alone.

PHYLLIS

And the verdict?

BERNARD

This is where human arrogance has worked in your favor. Your species has messed up the eco-system so badly with pollution and global warming that we don’t want it. It stinks. Your species will kill itself off in less than ten years.

PHYLLIS

You’re serious about this.

BERNARD

I am, Phyllis. But I wanted you to know, because, well, you were always more than just a research project for me. I love you.

PHYLLIS

Bernard… What’s your Turlubian name?

BERNARD

Bernard.

PHYLLIS

Oh. …Bernard, take me with you. If my species is going to die, take me with you. We can live on your planet.

BERNARD

Yeah, well, fine in theory. You know how your species has such an intense disregard for the environment? My species is the same way when it comes to racism. You would be taken away from me and forced into slavery.

PHYLLIS

But you pass for human. I could pass for Turlubian.

BERNARD

They would smell the difference. This isn’t Axe Body Spray. It’s my natural pheromones. And Turlubian women have their own distinct aroma. Much like spoiled milk, coffee and lemons.

PHYLLIS

Ew. That’s why they always hated your special orders at Starbucks.

BERNARD

They would probably make you one of the royal foot massagers. And the prince has a reputation for foot odor and bunions. It’s not pretty and I could not live knowing that you’ll die rubbing someone else’s feet.

PHYLLIS

But you’re fine with me dying here.

BERNARD

My wife is.

PHYLLIS

Your wife?

BERNARD

Did I not mention that? I’m married on my planet. How’s your eggplant?

PHYLLIS

I’m not so hungry any more. Please get to the part where you say “Just kidding!” That this is all a bad joke.

BERNARD

I wish I could. Phyllis (He picks her up from the chair.) Phyllis. Please let me just hold you one last time. (They hug. Noreen, a tall, David Bowie Ziggy Stardust-looking Amazon woman in a similar jumpsuit to Bernard’s stands in the doorway and clears her throat. Phyllis and Bernard separate) Noreen!

NOREEN

It’s time to go, Bernard.

BERNARD

Women are also the dominant gender on our planet.

NOREEN

Now!

BERNARD

Yes, dear!

(He quickly runs off but gives Phyllis a quick wave from behind Noreen who, to discipline him, stomps on his foot without looking. He yelps and exits. Noreen walks and stands face-to-face to Phyllis. They sniff each other and are both repulsed by what they smell.)

NOREEN

Keep your stinky planet.

(She starts to exits.)

PHYLLIS

Oh, yeah? Well, you have big, floppy feet!

NOREEN

Thank you.

(She exits. Phyllis sits and sadly takes another bite of eggplant.)

PHYLLIS

Damn, this is good.

(Blackout)