Week 28, Day 192 - "Ding Dong School"

“Ding Dong School – He Who Sits In The Shadow Of His Tail”
Written by Joe Janes
7/29/09
192 of 365

CAST
Mrs. Gruber, 60s
Joey, 8
Nate, 8
Mickey, 8
Katrina, 8
Chrissy, 8

(Lights up on Mrs. Gruber sitting on a chair before the class, which is seated on the floor. She has one hand behind her back.)

MRS. GRUBER

Good morning, children. How are you this morning? Guess what we’re going to learn about today? Have you ever seen animals? Where? The zoo? A farm? Have you ever seen an animal right outside your house or as you were walking to school? What kinds of animals do you see when you walk to school? Did anyone see my friend, Mr. Squirrel?

(She takes her hand out from behind her revealing a very simple hand puppet of a squirrel.)

MRS. GRUBER (continuing)

Say, “hello,” to Mr. Squirrel everybody. (They do) Now, Mr. Squirrel did hear you, but he won’t be saying “hello” back. Does anybody know why?

JOEY

He doesn’t like us?

NATE

He’s a foreigner?

CHRISSY

He’s angry like my dad?

MRS. GRUBER

No. No. Mr. Squirrel won’t say hello because he’s a squirrel. Squirrels are stupid and don’t speak English like we do. They have tiny brains, about the size of a walnut.

KATRINA

Will a squirrel try to eat its own brain?

MRS. GRUBER

Yes. A squirrel is not smart enough to tell it’s own brain from a walnut.

MICKEY

Do squirrels speak squirrel?

MRS. GRUBER

That’s a good question, Mickey. Squirrels do speak squirrel to one another. What sort of things do you think squirrels talk about?

KATRINA

Where to find nuts.

MRS. GRUBER

Or garbage. Squirrels will eat garbage, too.

CHRISSY

That’s gross.

MRS. GRUBER

They don’t even care that it’s your garbage and that you put a lid on it.

MICKEY

You could write you name on your garbage.

MRS. GRUBER

Good idea, Mickey, but, remember, squirrels are stupid. They can’t read. Does anyone want to pet Mr. Squirrel? (They all raise their hands.) Okay, Joey. Come here and pet Mr. Squirrel.

(Joey does and just before he can touch the puppet, Mr. Squirrel nips him.)

JOEY

Ow! He bit me!

MRS. GRUBER

That’s right. Mr. Squirrel is a wild animal. So, what valuable lesson did Joey just learn?

NATE (raising hand)

Don’t pet wild animals.

MRS. GRUBER

Very good, Nathan.

JOEY

I’m bleeding.

MRS. GRUBER

And what did we learn to do with cuts and bites when Mr. Doctor was here?

MICKEY

Cauterize the wound.

MRS. GRUBER

Good boy, Mickey. Here. (She tosses Mickey a lighter who lights it and presses the flame against Joey’s finger.)

JOEY

Ow!

MRS. GRUBER

What else does Joey have to worry about from being bit by a wild animal?

KATRINA

Scars?

CHRISSY

Emotional scars?

MICKEY

Fleas?

NATHAN

I know! Rabies!

MRS. GRUBER

That’s right, rabies!

JOEY

Rabies?

(Joey faints.)

CHRISSY

You can’t get rabies from a hand puppet.

MRS. GRUBER

That’s right, Chrissy. (She looks at Mr. Squirrel’s mouth.) Although, I should see if he’s had a tetanus shot recently. So, what do we do about a problem like Mr. Squirrel?

MICKEY

My grandpa eats them.

MRS. GRUBER

I’m sure he does. For those of us not wishing to eat what is essentially a cute rat, what can we do?

KATRINA

Hit them with cars?

MRS. GRUBER

Good. Tell your parents to run them down, but don’t be afraid to use your bicycles, too.

CHRISSY

Shoot them.

MRS. GRUBER

Squirrels make excellent target practice. Aim for the head.

MICKEY

And if you run out of bullets, you can club them with the gun.

MRS. GRUBER

I like how you’re thinking, Mickey.

JOEY (regaining consciousness)

Burn the trees.

MRS. GRUBER

Burn the trees!

NATE

You could just not feed them.

MRS. GRUBER

Oh, very good, Nathan. If all else fails, cut off their food supply. Keep your garbage inside and empty those bird feeders. The squirrels will go elsewhere. They’ll go elsewhere or they will starve. Say, “good-bye” to Mr. Squirrel, children. (They do. She takes Mr. Squirrel off her hand and drops him into a small garbage can. The kids cheer. Blackout.)

Week 15, Day 99 - "John Irvingness"

“John Irvingness”
Written by Joe Janes
4/27/09
99 of 365

CAST
CASEY, 40
MIRIAM, 30s
JAKE, 50s
NANCY, 60s
ALEX, 20s

(Lights up on Casey sitting at a table by himself with a stack of books. He takes one of the books and opens it up to a bookmarked page. He clears his throat and begins to read to the audience. The other characters are among the audience members in the house.)

CASEY

Rose was a magical waif of a teenaged girl who liked to dress up in a squirrel costume nearly twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Year round. Nigh on a decade. She only removed the tail to take care of business in the bathroom. She sometimes removed the head to help facilitate eating and drinking, of which she did very little, save for apples and apple juice. She loved apples. Red, shiny apples. She only removed the costume entirely when she bathed, which was not on any regular schedule, but only at the insistence of her close-quartered family about once a month. She would remove the body of the suit when she wrestled in her BVD underwear, but kept the head on for its protective qualities in the ring. One wrestler, Craig Pincers of Danbury High, once got Rose in the nearly impenetrable Wasserman Hook Hold which had the ill-effect, for Rose, of popping off her squirrel facial façade like a champagne cork. Locked in a tight embrace, their eyes met, Rose’s frozen in fear, Craig’s heated and laser-like. They held each other frozen in time until Craig quickly and suddenly and shamefully broke free once he became aware that his athletic cup was becoming filled with firm Craigness.

(Satisfied. He takes in a pause and sets the book down.)

CRAIG (Continuing)

And that, my friends, is from Chapter Three of my latest novel, Scurrying to Live by Casey P. Adams. Does anyone have any questions or comments?

MIRIAM

You say this is your latest novel?

CASEY

Indeed, it is.

MIRIAM

How many other novels have you written?

CASEY

This is my fifth novel.

MIRIAM

I tried to find-

CASEY

This is my first published novel, Miriam Tobin from the Orlando Times. Available only here. At Borders.

MIRIAM

I see.

CASEY

Any other questions?

JAKE

Do I need a token for the bathroom?

CASEY

Ha! I wouldn’t know that. You’ll have to ask one of the employees here.

NANCY

Casey, I have a question. Rose likes to dress like a squirrel yet her favorite thing to eat is an apple. Seems odd, for a squirrel.

CASEY

I haven’t heard a question, yet.

NANCY

Well, why apples? Why not nuts?

CASEY

Ooh, two questions for the price of one. I’ll tell you. Apples are more romantic. They are red, round, smooth, firm, shiny and… forbidden. Delicious stuff. I spend twenty pages of chapter eight just describing the apples sitting in a bowl in Rose’s room. It’s a metaphor for fruit. Whereas nuts, I concede, may be more apropos for a squirrel, but describing them is absolutely no fun once you have it stuck in your head that they all look like scrota.

NANCY

Scrota?

CASEY

The plural of scrotum.

JAKE

Is today the day I can get 10% off all the books on the first floor.

CASEY

I wouldn’t know. Maybe. Not this one, though. This is only available full price. $25. Cash.

MIRIAM

I see in your press release that you are often compared to John Irving.

CASEY

That is true. Just like Irving, I often will go on and on and on about the littlest things. I am not afraid to boldly delve into the minutia and mine it for what it has to say about us, about life.

MIRIAM

And Casey, who, exactly, compares you to John Irving?

CASEY

Many people. People who have read my books.

MIRIAM

And since four of those books have yet to be published and this one just came out thanks to (She reads the inside of her copy) CaseyCo Books, who are these people?

CASEY

They-

MIRIAM

Other than friends and family.

CASEY

It’s not family, believe me. I have loyal readers. Prior to publishing this hard copy of my book, excerpts did appear on-line on my professional website “Casey P. Adams, author.”

MIRIAM

What’s the URL for that?

CASEY

www.theworldaccordingtocasey.blogger.com.

MIRIAM

I see.

JAKE

Anybody can compare themselves to someone else. People compare me to Dick Cavett all the time. Penis size and everything.

NANCY

Me, too!

CASEY

Let me know when your review comes out, Miriam. I’d love to have a quote from you on my website.

MIRIAM

You may not after I write it.

CASEY

Any other questions? If not, I’d like to read thirty pages from chapter sixty-three where Rose ponders her reflection in a puddle at the base of a tree sans squirrel head.

(People start mumbling excuses and getting up.)

ALEX (from the far back)

I have a question. What do you do for a living?

CASEY

I am an author, clearly.

ALEX

You make a living doing this?

CASEY

I, well, I also work in the industry.

ALEX

Really?

CASEY

Yes. It is an industry-related position.

ALEX

Then why aren’t you behind the counter doing it, right now, Mr. Adams?

CASEY

Mr. Thomerson! I-I didn’t recognize you, at first. I thought you were off today.

JAKE

I knew it! That guy owes me a coupon for free coffee. He failed to smile and give me my receipt last week.

CASEY

That’s not store policy!

JAKE

Is, too!

CASEY

What do you know? You’re a homeless person.

JAKE

Hey! I am a not-quite-homeless person.

MIRIAM

I knew you weren’t legit.

NANCY

Of course not. He doesn’t know nuts about squirrels.

CASEY

I am a Borders sales associate and very happy with my job here, Mr. Thomerson.

ALEX

Then why in hell are you trying to pass yourself off as a published author?

CASEY

I clocked out.

ALEX

That didn’t answer my question

CASEY

It’s my birthday, Mr. Thomerson. My 40th birthday. My dream is to be a published author who does book signings for all his fans. I just wanted to live my dream.

ALEX

Working at a bookstore doesn’t make you an author. If you want us to sell your book, you’ll have to do it the old-fashioned way.

CASEY

I’ve tried that. No one will publish it.

ALEX

Well, until someone does, we don’t sell your book here. How many copies do you have?

CASEY

Just these five here. And about a hundred in the trunk of my Aztec.

ALEX

The book signing’s over. Time to get back to work, Mr. Adams. Oh, and happy birthday. Get yourself a free “day old” dessert from the café.

(Casey gets up, picking up his books.)

CASEY

Sure thing, Mr. Thomerson. I just need to go to the bathroom for a few minutes to, uh, collect myself.

JAKE

Here. You’ll need a token.

(Blackout)