Written by Joe Janes
81 of 365
(Lights up on Bub Winkerman, portly hunter, dressed in typical outdoor hunting gear. With him is Naomi, a little girl in a Sunday dress. They are in a typical backyard.)
BUBHey, everybody. Bub Winkerman, here. Boy, do we have an exciting show for you. It’s April. It’s that time of year where for one morning only; we get to go Easter egg hunting. With me here is my good friend and expert Easter egg hunter, Naomi. Naomi, tell me what you have there. What are the tools of the trade we’ll need to hunt Easter eggs?
NAOMIWell, Bub, I have here a small basket. When I find an egg, I put it in here.
BUBGot anything else in that basket we should know about?
NAOMIWell, it could be a long morning. I brought a juice box and some jerky. I also have a large knife. Comes in handy should I find an egg and decide to eat it right away. And some wet naps.
BUBThat’s a pretty big knife for just cracking open some eggs.
NAOMIWell, it’s also for protection. I didn’t want to scare you.
BUBProtection from what?
NAOMIThe eggs just don’t magically appear where we find them. They are put there by a large, vicious six-foot tall rabbit. The rabbit may try to protect its eggs.
BUBMaybe I should get my rifle.
NAOMINot a bad idea to have one on hand, but we probably won’t need it. The creature is nocturnal and hides its eggs in the cover of night. It should be long gone, by now.
BUBThat’s a relief. Where do we go looking for the eggs?
NAOMIRight here, in my backyard.
(They both walk into the audience.)
NAOMIThe thing to remember is that the Easter bunny, as he is sometimes called, doesn’t leave them out in the open. You have to look under things.
BUBInside things, too.
(They make their way through the audience looking under seats, tables, people, etc.)
BUBHey, I found one.
(Bub holds an Easter egg up, but it’s one of those tiny chocolate ones in foil.)
NAOMIThat’s too small, Bub. You’ll have to put it back.
BUBWill do. We must abide by state egg hunting laws.
NAOMI (holding one up)Here’s one. The adult eggs are around this size. This is a good one. As you can see, it has a colorful shell. Each one is unique.
(There is a stirring in the back of the theater. The Easter bunny pops up growling.)
BUBOh, no! It’s the Easter Bunny, Naomi. My rifle’s in my truck. What should I do?
NAOMI (tosses the egg to Bub)Keep him distracted, Bub.
BUBHey! Hey! Here, bunny, bunny, bunny. Here, bunny, bunny, bunny. Got one of your eggs. Can’t wait till I peel off its shell and put it in my tummy. Might even take the shell and put it over my mantle. Or make shoes out of it.
(As he speaks, the bunny tries to get closer to Bub and Bub slowly backs up towards the stage. Naomi is sneaking up behind the bunny. She catches up to him and snaps his neck with her bare hands. )
NAOMIGrab him, Bub! Help me drag him onto the patio!
(Bub does. Naomi takes out her knife.)
BUBAre we going to skin him and eat him?
NAOMIEaster bunnies aren’t like regular bunnies, Bub. They taste awful. Like plastic grass and Necco wafers. The good stuff is in the belly.
(Naomi splits open his belly and Easter eggs come pouring out.)
BUBLooks like we hit the jackpot, Naomi. Good job!
NAOMIThanks, Bub. Now, we’ll skin him and make a nice rug for my playroom.
(Naomi begins to skin the Easter Bunny.)
BUB (eating an Easter egg)This has been Easter Egg Hunting with Bub Winkerman. See you next week when we will be stalking candy-filled paper donkeys and clubbing them to death for Cinco de Mayo. Good day and good hunting!