Written by Joe Janes
127 of 365
TV Spokesmodel 1
TV Spokesmodel 2
(Lights up on a somber looking, large man named Doug.)
DOUGIs your weight getting you down? Do you long to be fit and thin? Do you find yourself avoiding weight scales and mirrors? Then maybe you just don’t have the right (smacks his belly) FATTITUDE!!!
(Lights spring to life and Doug is quickly flanked by two beautiful TV Spokesmodels.)
DOUG (continuing)My body didn’t get like this overnight. It took discipline. Years of steady and near constant eating of fried foods and sugary desserts and keeping my body as motionless as possible. I earned this fat. I’m not going to lose it all to some fad diet or exercise program. Why take the money I’m spending on food and put it into the pockets of “doctors” and “trainers”? You can be fat and be proud and I can show you how.
(Doug walks overt to a woman looking at herself in a mirror with a new pair of jeans on.)
DOUG (continuing)Hi, Maria. What are you doing?
MARIAHi, Doug. Can you help me? Can you tell me if these jeans make me look fat?
DOUGI think you’re asking the wrong question, Maria. The question isn’t “Do these jeans make me look fat?” The question is “Do these jeans make me look fat enough?”
MARIAOh, Doug! You are so right. I do have a lot of junk in the trunk.
DOUGYou have so much junk in your trunk, you shouldn’t even try to close the lid with those jeans. Get some bungee cords and let that lid flop open and closed when you walk.
MARIAThat would feel good, but won’t guys find that unattractive?
DOUGThat’s a very big butt, my favorite kind. (They laugh) But seriously, one man’s junk is another man’s treasure and it just won’t matter as long as you have the right-
DOUG AND MARIAFATTITUDE!
(She exits smiling and wiggling her butt.)
DOUGIf you’re big like me, walk with pride. Make the ground shake when you walk, because, well, you already are. Life’s too short and painful to draw it out with healthy eating and exercise.
(Randy, a sad, thin man eating an apple, walks up to Doug.)
DOUGHey, Randy, what’s wrong?
RANDYAll my friends are fat and they seem to be having a really good time.
DOUGThat’s because we eat our way to happiness!
RANDYHow can I be fat like my friends?
DOUGThe first thing you need to do is throw that thing away.
(Doug takes the apple and throws it offstage)
RANDYHey, my apple!
DOUGRule number 3 of my Fattitude program – No fruit unless it’s dipped in chocolate or caramel. If you want to put on the pounds like me, Randy, you’ll need my patented Fatulence System.
(The TV Spokesmodels quickly outfit Randy in a series of tubes that run from a big hat to his mouth and into his pants and out his pants legs into a glass jar.)
RANDYWhat the heck is this, Doug?
DOUGThe Fatulence System takes a ten-gallon hat full of liquid all-American cheese and feeds it into every orifice of your body. The only way it comes back out is through your sweat pores, which gets collected in that glass jar. Then you just pour it back into the hat. It’s recyclable.
RANDYSo, it’s green,
DOUGIt will be after a few cycles.
RANDYThanks, Doug. I feel fatter already.
(Randy exits smiling and sucking down liquid cheese. The TV Spokesmodels flank Doug, again.)
DOUGYou know, some people worry that if they get fat, they won’t get laid. Au contraire. I understand that I get laid all the time. Of course, I can’t see or feel anything below my belly horizon, so I just have to take their word for it.
(The TV Spokesmodels nod.)
DOUG (continuing)Is my Fattitude program for you? Well, it’s said that inside every fat person there’s a thin person trying to get out. With my help, you can keep choking that person down until your stomach acids finally break that skinny bastard down. Now, everyone stand and take the Fattitiude Pledge…
People give us attitude for being overweight,
We tell those skinny people they can just suck it,
It takes Doug-like Fattitude to be this honking big,
Rule One – only order food served in a bucket.
And don’t forget the Fattitude motto: Be wide (smacks his belly) with pride!
(The TV Spokesmodels rub his belly as he waves good-bye. Blackout)