Week 15, Day 104 - "Weenus"

“Weenus”
Written by Joe Janes
5/2/09
104 of 365

CAST:
William, 30s
Ray, 30s
Robert, 30s

(Lights up on William angrily entering and opening up his locker in the men’s locker room of a health club. He is coming from the shower. Ray follows, looking regretful. He, too, is coming from the shower. His locker is not far from William’s. The men are drying off and changing into their office attire.)

WILLIAM

I can’t believe you did that.

RAY

I’m sorry. I didn’t even realize I was doing it.

WILLIAM

You just don’t do that in the showers, Ray. It’s creepy and its weird.

RAY

I didn’t mean anything by it. Really, William, I didn’t.

WILLIAM

You were staring at my dick.

RAY

Yeah. I know. I realized I never got a good look at one before. My own, sure, but that’s always an aerial view. I was just curious.

WILLIAM

If you’re gay, just tell me.

RAY

I’m not gay. I just wanted to check it out. To compare. I see guys in porn videos, but man, who can measure up to that? Those guys’s are in it for a reason.

WILLIAM

You’re not gay, but you watch gay porn?

RAY

No, man. Uh, hetero porn. Guys with girls. And never more than one guy.

(Robert enters.)

ROBERT

I prefer girl-on-girl action. It’s like a two-fer. What? We’re talking porn, right?

(Robert takes a locker and begins to change out of his business clothes into workout clothes.)

RAY

Most guys are in to that, but not me. When I see two girls going at it, it just makes me feel so unnecessary. If I see a guy in there, it gives me hope. That could be me.

WILLIAM

Can we change the subject? I feel strange talking about this while we’re all in various states of undress.

ROBERT

How’d you guy’s get on the subject, any way?

WILLIAM

Why don’t you tell him, Ray?

RAY

Robert, William is mad at me because, in the shower, he caught me staring at his weenus.

ROBERT

Maybe you shouldn’t call it a weenus. Staring because its impressive or staring because its freakish – or both?

RAY

Neither, really. Pretty average, as far as I can tell. That’s why I was looking. I wanted to see how mine compared to someone else’s.

WILLIAM

Average? My penis is spectacular. Ask my wife.

ROBERT

Your wife is bias and probably lying. Let’s take a look.

WILLIAM

What? No way. We’re in the middle of a locker room.

ROBERT

So, what? Guys walk around here naked all the time. Just pretend you’re that old guy with the age spots on his wrinkly butt.

RAY

I’d like to see it, again. It was all wet before.

WILLIAM

Fine, here’s my penis.

(William opens his towel and shows them. They look.)

ROBERT

I’ve seen better. You’re right, Ray. Nothing to write home about.

WILLIAM

Nothing to write home about. Let’s see yours, Ray. Let’s see if Robert wants to write his mother about your junk.

(Ray opens his towel for them to see.)

ROBERT

His is bigger.

WILLIAM

What do you mean his is bigger?

ROBERT

Oh, yeah. Clearly. Don’t get me wrong, yours is adequate. I’m sure it gets the job done. Ray here has a slight advantage in the length and girth department.

WILLIAM

Girth?

ROBERT

Yeah, man. It’s like a pineapple.

WILLIAM

Let’s see yours, then. If you’re going to pass judgment on ours, I want to see yours.

ROBERT

No problemo.

(Robert opens up his sweat pants and shows them. They are stunned.)

RAY

Wow. That’s really impressive. Is it real?

WILLIAM

It…hooks.

RAY

It’s like a question mark.

WILLIAM

I need to sit down.

RAY

Ladies must really like that.

ROBERT

No complaints. Except that I’m only one man.

WILLIAM (touching his eyes)

I’m crying.

ROBERT

Boys, penises are like snowflakes. They’re all different. They come in all shapes and sizes. You got what you got. Some of us are blessed with a little extra novelty in our shorts; others carry on the normal gene. Somebody has to. Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s off to the racquetball court.

RAY

Hey, you forgot your paddle.

ROBERT (winking)

Don’t need it.

(Blackout)

Week 13, Day 87 - "Officer Arsenty"

“Officer Arsenty”
Written by Joe Janes
4/15/09
87 of 365

CAST
Tim, 20s
Neil, 20s
Officer Arsenty, 50s

(In the dark we hear a siren. Lights up on Tim and Neil in a car. Tim is driving. Behind them is Officer Arsenty in his car.)

TIM

Aw, crap. We’re being pulled over.

NEIL

Tim, you ran that red light.

TIM

It was yellow, Neil.

NEIL

Which is when you should have slowed down. It turned red. Like it always does after yellow.

(In the background, a rather rotund Officer Arsenty climbs out of his car and approaches the driver’s window. His movements are a little slow and deliberate. He carries a bone. Tim rolls down the window.)

TIM (continuing)

Evening, officer, sir.

(Officer Jobe just stares at him.)

TIM (continuing)

Is there a problem?

(Jobe lets out a big sigh. Tim gets a face full of booze fumes. He looks at Neil. Jobe wobbles a bit, and then shushes Tim. Jobe then staggers back a few feet and beckons Tim to “come here.” Tim slowly and reluctantly does.)

TIM (continuing)

Yes?

JOBE

I like you, son. What’s your name?

TIM

Tim.

JOBE

Jim. I like you, Jim. I’m Officer Jobe Arsenty.

(Jobe puts his hand on Tim’s shoulder)

NEIL

Hey, I can see you!

(Jobe pulls his gun.)

JOBE

Who’s there?

TIM

It’s okay, it’s okay! It’s just my friend, Neil. There. In the passenger’s seat.

JOBE

I have my eye on you.

NEIL

I doubt it.

(He drops his gun as he tries to put it away. He tries to pick it up and kicks it instead. Tim gets the gun and hands it to him.)

JOBE

Thank you, Jim.

NEIL

It’s Tim.

JOBE

Who the hell are you?

NEIL

I’m Neil. Tim’s friend.

JOBE

There ain’t no Tim, here. Get out of the car. (Neil opens the car door) Whoa! Slowly! Slowly!

NEIL

Okay. Okay. Don’t shoot me.

JOBE

Don’t you tell me what not to do. Where are you boys heading?

TIM

A party.

JOBE

Party boys, eh!

NEIL

My mom’s birthday party.

JOBE

That sickens me.

NEIL

Okay.

JOBE

You sicken me. Let me see you walk a straight line.

(Neil sighs and walks a straight line towards Jobe who points his bone at Neil like a gun.)

JOBE (continuing)

Stop or I’ll, or I’ll…bone you. Gun?

TIM

Right there.

JOBE

Oh. Thank you. You’re nice. But you-!

NEIL

You told me to move!

JOBE

Oh, yeah. Close your eyes and touch your nose.

(Neil does, easily.)

JOBE

Did he do it, Jim?

TIM

Yeah.

JOBE

Touch his nose.

NEIL

What?

JOBE

Don’t smart off, smarty. Close your eyes and touch Jim’s nose.

(Neil closes his eyes and manages to eventually touch Tim’s nose.)

JOBE

Did he do it?

TIM

Yeah. Poked my eye, too.

JOBE

That wasn’t part of the instructions. I’ll have to bring you in. Spread ‘em.

NEIL

Oh, come on!

JOBE

Get up against the car and spread your legs. I need to pat you down.

NEIL (doing so)

Oh, joy.

(Jobe walks up to Neil, starts to pat him down, but passes out against Neil while doing so.)

NEIL

Oh, God, get him off me. I feel his bone.

TIM

Yeah, yeah. Okay.

(Tim gets Jobe off Neil and sits him down on the road.)

NEIL

That guy is stinking drunk.

TIM

You think?

NEIL

Let’s go.

TIM

We can’t just leave him sitting in the road.

JOBE (coming to)

Jim. Jim. Come here.

TIM

What is it, Officer Jobe?

JOBE

Are you married? Got a girlfriend?

NEIL

You don’t have to answer that.

TIM (waving Neil to be quiet)

No, Jobe. I don’t have either, right now.

JOBE

Aw, that’s too bad. What about the other one? You got one.

NEIL

Yeah. A girlfriend. We might get married.

JOBE

Well, let me tell you something. Let me tell you both something. You find a girl you love with all your heart, hope you die first.

NEIL

Die first. Got it. We can go, now, right?

TIM

Jobe, why do you say that?

JOBE

Because Millie died a year ago. And it’s been hell. Sheer hell.

(Jobe starts crying into Tim’s chest. Tim reluctantly holds him.)

TIM

Jobe, I don’t think you should drive. Can we give you a lift somewhere?

JOBE

Aw, you don’t have to do that.

TIM

No, no, it’s okay. I insist. C’mon.

(Neil and Tim help Jobe get into the backseat of their car.)

TIM

There you go.

(Neil and Tim get in to the front seat. Tim starts driving.)

TIM (continuing)

You okay back there, Jobe?

JOBE

Yeah.Yeah. The station's just up the road a bit.

NEIL

Sorry about your wife.

JOBE

Why are you sorry about my wife?

NEIL

Just seems like a very sad thing to go through, losing your wife Millie.

JOBE

My wife ain’t dead. Millie’s was my cocker spaniel. I sure miss that pooch. Oh, Millie, oh, Millie…Why? Why?

(He starts wailing and kissing the bone. Lights fade.)

THE 365 VIDEO CHALLENGE!

Tuesday, April 28 will mark the 100th sketch posted on 365 Sketches. To honor the occasion, we at 365 headquarters (me) are issuing a video challenge! Create a video of one of the first 100 365 Sketches and post it to YouTube. Let me know when its posted using the comment section here. I'll link to the video for all to see. You have until midnight central time on April 28th to post. On Wednesday, April 29th, I'll announce the winner!

Ooh, and what does the winner receive?

A crisp ten dollar bill. In fact, this very one. Suitable for framing.

Week Three, Day Seventeen - "Diversity Chicken"

Diversity Chicken
Written by Joe Janes
2/4/09
17 of 365

CAST
Bobby, 12
Chelsea, 12
Diversity Chicken (aka DC),???

(Lights up on Bobby and Chelsea sitting on a stoop. Bobby has a baseball bat. Chelsea has a mitt and glove.)

BOBBY

Gee, Chelsea. I don’t like playing with that new kid, Raoul.

CHELSEA

I now what you mean, Bobby. There’s just something about him.

BOBBY

Yeah. I know. It’s like he’s different.

(Offstage we hear the trumpeting bawks of a chicken - then bounds onto the stage in a multi-colored chicken suit, Diversity Chicken!)

DC

Diversity Chicken to the rescue!

BOBBY AND CHELSEA

Diversity Chicken!

DC

That’s right, Bobby and Chelsea. I couldn’t help but overhear you talking about your new classmate, Raoul.

BOBBY

Yeah, Diversity Chicken. He looks so different from us.

CHELSEA

He’s a different color.

BOBBY

He wears different clothes.

CHELSEA

And he has a funny sounding name.

DC

Look at me, kids, and what do you see?

BOBBY

A big chicken?

DC

Take a closer look. What’s on this big chicken?

(The kids are stumped. They keep looking at him. DC flaps his arms. Nothing. He finally plucks one of his own feathers shows it to them.)

DC (After an understated “ow.”)

What’s this?

BOBBY AND CHELSEA (after looking at each other)

A feather?

DC

Right! Yes! A feather. Such bright, wonderful children.

(He sits down between them.)

DC

Do you see how my feathers come in all shapes and sizes, even different colors? (They nod.) Think of the planet as one big chicken. And every person on the planet is just a feather stuck to the chicken.

CHELSEA

So, Bobby and me are feathers?

DC

That’s right.

BOBBY

And we’re stuck on a giant chicken hurtling through space?

DC

That’s right, too.

CHELSEA

Does that mean Raoul’s a feather, too?

DC

Now, you’re catching on. And how silly would it be if I had some feathers that didn’t get along with other feathers?

CHELSEA

Pretty silly, Diversity Chicken.

BOBBY

So, we should try to like Raoul?

DC

Whoa, whoa, whoa. I didn’t say that. Life’s too short to put up with people you have to try to like. All you have to do is “tolerate” Raoul.

CHELSEA

What’s “tolerate” mean?

DC

Well, it means, no one’s asking you to invite Raoul over to play video games or play baseball. But don’t go out of your way to bother him, either. As long as he sticks to his own neighborhood and dates his own kind, we won’t have a problem, will we?

BOBBY AND CHELSEA

Nope!

CHELSEA

Thanks, Diversity Chicken!

DC

You’re welcome, kids! Now, I’m off!

(He starts to walk away)

BOBBY

You don’t fly?

DC

Nope. I’m a chicken. Got wings, no gift of flight. Thanks, God!

CHELSEA

I thought super heroes flew?

DC

Well, you know, not really a super hero, here. More just a walking public service announcement. (Mumbles to himself as he exits) Fucking kids.

BOBBY

I hate chickens.

CHELSEA

Me, too. Unless they’re fried.

BOBBY

Let’s go eat him!

CHELSEA

Yay!

(They run off and start beating on DC with the bat. We hear chicken screams and see feathers fly onto stage as lights fade.)



ZED UPDATE

Check the side bar to your left to see the latest picture of Zed. He has some friends with him. I didn't want him to feel all alone when he met Ira Glass, Scott Simon and Peter Segal at a WBEZ fundraiser this evening. The next time you see him, he'll be on his own, distantly flanked by secret service sideburns ready to throw themselves in front of a razor to protect Zed. Click on the picture to contribute to the 826 Moustache-A-Thon.

Week Two, Day Eleven - "Dancing with the Devil"

“Dancing with the Devil”
Written by Joe Janes
1/29/09
11 out of 365

CAST:
Chet, late 20s
Nadia, late 20s
Ping, late 20s
Angel
Devil

(Lights up on Chet holding a glass of beer. Disco ball lights move across the stage. We hear loud generic dance music. He stands as if he is watching the dance floor. Nadia, hotly dressed and drinking a something-tini, comes over and stands near him. He notices. She is lightly bopping to the music, also watching the dance floor.)

CHET

Hi.

NADIA

What?

CHET

I said, “hi.”

NADIA

Oh.

(Ping comes over and stands on the other side of Chet. She is smaller than Nadia and more conservatively dressed. She drinks bottle water and watches the dance floor. She, too, is lightly bopping to the music.)

PING

I hate places like this.

CHET

What?

PING

I hate places like this.

CHET

Then why are you here?

PING

I like to dance. What are you going to do? (Pause) What’s your name?

CHET

Chet.

PING

I’m Ping.

CHET

Ping?

PING

Yeah. Ping.

CHET

Is that some silly nickname with a really good story?

PING

No.

CHET

Oh.

PING

Do you like to dance, Chet?

(Nadia glances over and notices them talking.)

CHET

No.

PING

Then why are you here?

CHET (glancing over at Nadia)

Well… I…um…I’m in town for business. Didn’t want to be holed up in my hotel room all night. Just bored, I guess.

PING

Or lonely?

CHET

Or lonely.

NADIA

I came here to party. And get laid. I’m Nadia.

CHET

Hi, Nadia.

NADIA

Are you married, Chet?

CHET

No.

NADIA

Too bad.

CHET

Why too bad?

PING

Because married guys don’t come with strings attached.

NADIA

If you were married, I would totally do you. I wouldn’t have to worry about you hounding me.

CHET

I am from out-of-town. I may never be here ever, again. That’s got to count for something.

NADIA

It might.

PING

Guess it depends on what you want, Chet. You want to get laid or find someone special?

CHET

Getting laid would be special. Been awhile.

NADIA

She means do you want a hot, rocking one night stand or get saddled with one person over a long boring period of time?

CHET

Both?

NADIA

Not an option.

PING

Pick one.

CHET

I – I – I don’t know.

(The music quickly stops. Nadia and ping freeze. A spotlight hits Chet. Angel and Devil hand puppets pop up on his shoulders.)

ANGEL

Oh, Chet. A one-night stand is like a meal at a fast food restaurant. You’ll eat it and then regret it. You want something more nourishing that will last much longer.

DEVIL

Nothing wrong with grabbing a slice of pizza every once in awhile, Chet. You don’t know if this Ping thing is going to last or even if she’s good in the sack. An hour from now, you could be bobbing for boobies with Nadia, or drinking coffee and talking about ex-boyfriends and cats with Ping.

ANGEL

What’s wrong with a nice conversation?

DEVIL

Nothing, as long as you’re naked and talking dirty. But you’re not going to get that. The whole time Ping’s going on about how much she loves the Food Network, you’re going to be faking interest and wishing you were nailing Nadia.

ANGEL

Nadia fakes her orgasms.

DEVIL

Who cares, as long as yours is real?

ANGEL

Go for Ms. Right.

DEVIL

Go for Ms. Right Now.

CHET

Okay!

(The Angel and Devil disappear. Everything resumes as it was.)

NADIA

Okay, what?

CHET

I want to sleep with you! (Turns to Ping.) Sorry.

PING

Yeah. You are.

(She exits.)

CHET

We can go to my hotel room. I have Cinemax. And room service.

NADIA (sees someone)

Oh, hey, gotta go-

CHET

What? Where are you going?

NADIA

My boyfriend just walked in. (She walks off) Randy! Randy!

(Chet stands alone looking dejected. The Angel and Devil reappear on Chet’s shoulders, this time, the lights and music continue.)

ANGEL

Sorry it didn’t work out, Chet.

DEVIL

Yeah, Dude. That sucks.

ANGEL

Look at the bright side.

DEVIL

Yeah, Chet. Look at the bright side.

ANGEL

We’re here to keep you company.

DEVIL

Yeah, man. You know, I like how the disco lights bounce off your halo.

(Devil starts to make is way across Chet’s shoulders over to the Angel.)

ANGEL

Really? It’s new.

DEVIL

I usually don’t like ‘em, but, looks good on you.

ANGEL

I just got it. I like your tail. It’s all pointy.

DEVIL

You bet it is. Long, too.

ANGEL

This music is nice.

DEVIL

Yeah. I kind of dig it.

ANGEL

Do you like to dance?

DEVIL

I like to fuck. (The Devil hand puppet takes the Angel puppet from behind and they have quick, loud hand puppet sex.) You like that? You like that?

ANGEL

Yes! Oh, yes!

CHET

Well, at least somebody’s getting laid.

DEVIL

Who’s your savior? Who’s your savior?

ANGEL
You are! You are!

(Lights fade)

Week Two, Day Ten - "Neighbors"

Neighbors
Written by Joe Janes
1/28/09
10 of 365

CAST:
Jason, 30s
Kevin, 20s
Renee, 20s

(Lights up on Jason’s small apartment. Dressed in his modest business casual from work, he is carefully walking a hot bowl of tomato soup from the kitchen to a small table in the living room. He sets the bowl down and begins to eat. He sips away, slowly, spoonful after spoonful. All he is doing is quietly eating his soup. Offstage, from another apartment, we hear loud modern female country music start playing. Jason looks perturbed, but continues eating. Suddenly, the music stops cold.)

KEVIN (off)

Goddammit, Renee, I was listening to that!

RENEE (off)

Turn it the fuck down, Kevin! You’ll wake the baby!

KEVIN (off)

I’ll listen to it however the fuck loud I want. (Music comes back on. Goes back off. Comes back on. Goes back off. We hear a slap. Jason looks shaken.) Oh, what, a big baby. Whatcha gonna do? Call the police? Oh, that’s right, you can’t. Your fuckin’ phone’s been turned off.

(Jason gets up and slowly walks towards the wall where the yelling is coming from.)

RENEE (off)

You bastard! I may not have a phone, but we’ve got neighbors who have phones. Plenty of them!

KEVIN (off)

Oh, that’s a great fuckin’ idea. Let’s get the neighbors to call the police. (He starts pounding on the wall.) Hey! Neighbor! Hey, Buddy! Getting an earful? Call the fucking police. Do it, buddy! Do it! Do me a favor and call the fucking police!

JASON (meekly)

Uh…num, no, thank you.

KEVIN (off)

What? Speak the fuck up! I can’t hear you?

JASON

No, thank you!

KEVIN (off, laughing)

See that, Renee. He don’t want to call the police. He’s got better things to do. Don’t you, Neighbor!

JASON (more to himself)

I have soup.

RENEE (off)

Fuck you, Kevin. Fuck you and the horse you rode in on. I’m getting the fuck out of here. I’m taking the baby and I’m leaving.

KEVIN (off)

Fine, get the fuck out of here! See if I care.

RENEE (off)

Fine, fuckface.
(She slams the door.)

KEVIN (off)

Tell your bitch queen mom I said hi and to go fuck herself, too!

(Jason still stands looking startled. We hear her foot steps go down the hall until she knocks on Jason’s apartment door on the opposite side of the stage. Jason moves towards the door, but is frozen. She knocks a few times until…)

RENEE (off)

Hello? …I know you are in there…I can see you through the peephole…

JASON

Who is it?

RENEE (off)

Let me in, please. I’m your neighbor. I need to use your phone….Please…

JASON (opens door)

Hi.

RENEE (entering)

Thank, God. Thank you. Whew! I’m sorry you had to hear all that.

JASON

Oh, you know. Couples have their little spats.

(The female country music starts blaring, again.)

RENEE

Wow, that’s fucking loud. Excuse me, I mean, that’s effing loud. I’m Renee.

JASON

Jason.

RENEE

Hi, Jason. Nice to be out of asshole central. I mean, a-hole central.

JASON

Shouldn’t you have a baby with you?

RENEE

Aw, shit.

(She quickly exits and runs back to her apartment. Jason stands still in his apartment, listening. The music cuts off.)

KEVIN (off)

Well, well, well, lookie whose come crawling’ back. You broke a record, that time!

RENEE (off)

Cram it, Kevin! I just came to get the baby!

KEVIN (off)

Maybe the baby don’t want to go!

RENEE (off)

The baby wants to go. Our baby can’t stand you. Our baby thinks you’re an asshole, asshole!

(She slams the door.)

KEVIN (off)

Bitch!

(Music starts up, again. Renee makes her way back in to Jason’s apartment carrying one of those car seat/carriers with the baby inside.)

RENEE

It’s okay, Travis. Mommy’s here and Jason’s here. Everything’s going to be fine, now.

JASON

The phone’s in the kitchen.

RENEE

…good…?

JASON

Aren’t you going to call the police?

RENEE

Oh, heck, no. Be more trouble than it’s worth. Kevin needs his job.

JASON

But he hit you.

RENEE

He what? Kevin? Kevin didn’t hit me.

JASON

But I heard it. Loud and clear. A big slap

RENEE

I hit Kevin. And then he went and threw a hissy fit. His bark’s way worse than his bite.

(The music stops abruptly, again.)

KEVIN (off)

Hey, neighbor. Hey! Sorry about the yelling! Hey, you there? You hear me?

JASON

Yes! I hear you.

KEVIN (off)

I said I was sorry about all the yelling. Me and the missus, you know. We just go at it sometimes. Don’t mean nothing. We love each other; we just don’t seem to like each other very much. You know? I said, you know?

JASON

Yeah, I know. Sure.

KEVIN (off)

My name’s Kevin… What’s your name?

JASON

Jason.

KEVIN (off)

Any way, Jason. It’s nice to meet you. You sound like a good man. Just wanted to say I’m sorry to be bothering you. My gal, she’s special. I’ll love her till the day I die.

RENEE

Oh, Kevin!

KEVIN (off)

Renee? What the fuck are you doing over there? (Kevin slams the door and run/stomps over to Jason’s apartment while yelling at Renee and bursts in. He and Renee get in to an unintelligible nose-to-nose shouting match with the baby being held between them. Jason grabs his bowl of soup and makes his way out the door. The yelling continues until we hear the female country music start up again. Kevin and Renee stop yelling for a second, look around, and then start yelling at each other, again. Lights fade.)

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Week Two, Day Nine - "Better Than Money"

“Better Than Money”
Written by Joe Janes
1/27/09
9 of 365

CAST:
Louis, 50s
Mannie, 50s
Tobey, 60s

(Lights up on a dive bar. Louis, a little stocky, is restocking bottles of beer into a cooler. The Buscemi-like Mannie sits at the end of the bar nursing a beer. A bar stool or two down from him is Tobey, who wears her graying hair up in a beehive. It’s present day, but if you went by the way they were dressed you might think they were a few decades behind.)

LOUIS

Sure are nursing the hell out of that beer, Mannie.

MANNIE

Yep. Yep. I guess I am.

TOBEY

Wants to make sure he tastes every drop, right, Mannie?

MANNIE

Ha. That’s a funny one, Tobey.

TOBEY

Who can blame him since you raised your prices a buck?

LOUIS

Hey, times are tough. And I ain’t raised my prices in ten years. I was due.

MANNIE

Sure. Sure. You was due. No one can blame you. My wife is blaming you. She’s pissed.

LOUIS

I raise my prices and Estelle is pissed. Estelle never steps foot in here.

MANNIE

I know. I know. Women, right?

TOBEY

Estelle controls the purse strings.

MANNIE

I have a weekly beer budget.

LOUIS

The old lady put you on a monthly beer budget? Ain’t that something? I feel honored that my bar is a budget item.

MANNIE

Yeah, that’s something. It is. Thing is, your prices went up at exactly the same time my beer budget went down.

TOBEY

Estelle cut your beer bucks? No way.

MANNIE

20% budget cut all across the board. We have to pay less on everything. Groceries, movies, cable, prescription medicine. Everything.

LOUIS

Pains me to hear that, Mannie. You didn’t hear it from me, but you drinking less, probably a good thing.

MANNIE

I getcha. I getcha. (Finishes beer) How much do I owe you?

LOUIS

Four bucks.

MANNIE

Okay. Okay. Um, here.

(Mannie lays down three one-dollar bills and a coupon-looking piece of paper)

TOBEY

What the hell is that?

MANNIE

It’s money.

LOUIS

No, it ain’t.

MANNIE

It’s as good as money.

LOUIS

“Good for one hug.” This a joke?

MANNIE

I’m good for it, Louis. (Pause) Just hear me out.

LOUIS

I listen better with money in my hand.

MANNIE

If I pay you another dollar, a real dollar, I won’t be able to tip or pay for another beer.

LOUIS

You’re really making me cry, here, Mannie.

MANNIE

If I can’t pay for another beer, then I have to go home. Don’t make me go home, Louis. To Estelle. To the TV. To the…talking.

LOUIS

And you think a hug from you is worth a dollar? The bank don’t take hugs.

MANNIE

Well, if you don’t want a hug. I have other things. (Flips through coupons) 10-Minute back rub, foot massage, a big smooch-

LOUIS (snatching stack)

What the hell are these?

MANNIE

My money!

LOUIS

It ain’t money. (Reads one) They’re “love” coupons.

TOBEY
Love coupons?

MANNIE

I bought ‘em for Estelle a few years ago on A Valentine’s Day. To spice up our marriage. Didn’t work, but I thought they might make for good barter.

LOUIS

This is what you bring to barter?

MANNIE

Had to be something Estelle wouldn’t miss. She won’t miss these.

TOBEY

They’re sweet. Estelle didn’t use any?

MANNIE

She used one. “Romantic Dinner for Two.” She made me take her to Olive Garden.

TOBEY (sincerely)

The gal’s got class.

LOUIS

A relaxing bubble bath?

MANNIE

Sure, why not? You come over and I’ll make you a bubble bath. Nice one. Hot, but not too hot. Estelle’s got these things called bath bombs. They’re fizzy.

LOUIS

If I wanted to take a bubble bath, I’d do it at home.

TOBEY

Really?

LOUIS

Well, you know, I’d have to clean the tub first. Maybe use laundry detergent for the bubbles.

TOBEY

Let me see that one…(Louis hands Tobey one). Louis, I would like to buy this one from you for one dollar.

LOUIS

Make it a buck fifty.

TOBEY (rolling eyes)

Fine.

(She pays him)

MANNIE

Thanks, Tobey.

TOBEY

Shut up and give me a hug, Mannie. (Mannie walks over to Tobey. She hands him the coupon and he hugs her in a very tender, non-sexual way. Both are moved by this.) That was worth a buck fifty, Louis. You should try one.

MANNIE

When was the last time anyone gave you a hug, Louis?

LOUIS

Never you mind.

MANNIE

Can I get another beer?

LOUIS

Only if you pay first. (Mannie counts out four dollars on the bar. Louis pushes one of the dollars back and picks up one of the coupons. He pours Mannie a beer) Been a long time since I had a hug. Been even longer since I had a foot massage.

(Lights fade)