Week 33, Day 228 - “Bouncer”

“Bouncer”

Written by Joe Janes

9/3/09

228 of 365

Cast

Jimmy, 30s

Howard, 30s

Peter, 30s

(Lights up on Jimmy, a strong, beefy guy, sitting on a bar stool. The door next to him opens and Howard comes through, wearing a jacket and carrying a backpack.)

JIMMY

Twenty dollars.

HOWARD

Who are you?

JIMMY

I’m Jimmy. Twenty dollars.

HOWARD

My apartment building doesn’t have a doorman.

JIMMY

New service. Twenty dollars.

HOWARD

I’m not giving you twenty dollars.

JIMMY

Then you don’t get to enter.

HOWARD

Enter the outside?

JIMMY

That is correct. Twenty bucks or back out you go into your apartment.

HOWARD

I’m not going to let you rob me out of twenty bucks, especially when I’m just going to go get a cup of coffee and sit and write.

JIMMY

How much is the coffee?

HOWARD

Two dollars.

JIMMY

Refills?

HOWARD

Another buck.

JIMMY

Three bucks. Muffin or scone?

HOWARD

Blueberry scone. $2.75. They are so good.

JIMMY

Add tax; let’s round up to six bucks. Plus a dollar tip.

HOWARD

A dollar?

JIMMY

Fucking A, a dollar. So, your little inexpensive trip to the coffee shop to write, both of which you could do at home, is now at seven dollars.

HOWARD

I’m out of coffee.

JIMMY

You have tea?

HOWARD

I have tea.

JIMMY

It’s better for you. Write while you sip tea.

HOWARD

I’m really a coffee guy when it comes to writing.

JIMMY

What are you writing?

HOWARD

A comedy sketch.

JIMMY

Hmmm.

HOWARD

You have a problem with that?

JIMMY

No, no. Not at all. I’m sure your little skits are worth every penny. Anything in between here and the coffee joint?

HOWARD

Grocery store.

JIMMY

Stopping by?

HOWARD

No. Yes. I usually do. It’s right on the way. Something for dinner, cat food, and I do the self-checkout so I can get cash back with my debit card.

JIMMY

You don’t have to use the self-checkout for that. You can use a cashier for that.

HOWARD

I don’t like to. I feel like I have to tell them what I need the money for. It’s a thing.

JIMMY

Okay, champ, add cat food, something for dinner and some miscellaneous-

HOWARD

Miscellaneous?

JIMMY

You know, you get there and realize you need mints or croutons or cotton swabs.

HOWARD

I need all those things.

JIMMY

And how much cash back?

HOWARD

I usually get a hundred so I don’t have to do it again right away although I’m usually back two days later.

JIMMY

Okay, then, that little nugget of comedy gold that you’re going to create is going to cost you today somewhere around one hundred and fifty dineros.

HOWARD

Guess I never stopped to think about it.

JIMMY

Maybe you should.

HOWARD

I don’t think dineros is a word.

JIMMY

So, you can pay me twenty bucks on top of all that or you can go back inside, make yourself some tea and write your little funny ha-has in your living room.

HOWARD

That would save me quite a bit of money.

JIMMY

Now, if you happen to be going somewhere that will make you significantly more moola than a twenty-dollar cover, then come back out.

HOWARD

What if I need to do laundry?

JIMMY

Use the bathtub.

HOWARD

Right. Right, Good call-

JIMMY

Jimmy.

HOWARD

Howard.

JIMMY

I know.

(Peter opens his apartment door and tries to sneak by Jimmy. Jimmy clears his throat.)

PETER

Jimmy, didn’t see you there.

JIMMY

Twenty bucks, Peter.

PETER

Jimmy, I was just going to run to the 7-11 for a quick something to drink. Bringing it right back here. Maybe a Slushee. Or a big coke. Or a Slushee Coke. Can I bring you back anything?

JIMMY

No, thanks. I’ll just take my twenty bucks.

(Pause)

PETER (slaps forehead)

What was I thinking? I have water. Plenty of refreshing tap water.

JIMMY

Add a few thin slices of cucumber and serve it chilled.

PETER

Great idea. Catch you later, Jimmy. Hey, Howard.

HOWARD

Hey, Peter.

PETER

This guy! (Points to Jimmy as he walks back to his apartment.) Love this guy. (He turns, sighs, and goes back into his apartment.)

HOWARD

Thanks for helping me save some money, Jimmy.

JIMMY

It’s what I’m here for. If you’re going to piss away money, you may as well just hand it off to me as you walk out the door.

HOWARD

That was subtle.

(Jimmy shrugs. Howard enters his apartment. Pause. Howard comes back out and hands Jimmy a twenty.)

HOWARD

Fuck it. I need coffee. But tomorrow… Tomorrow, Jimmy!

(He exits.)

JIMMY

Subtlety is not part of my job.

(Jimmy takes a big wad of cash out of his pocket and wraps the twenty around it. Lights fade.)

Week Two, Day Eleven - "Dancing with the Devil"

“Dancing with the Devil”
Written by Joe Janes
1/29/09
11 out of 365

CAST:
Chet, late 20s
Nadia, late 20s
Ping, late 20s
Angel
Devil

(Lights up on Chet holding a glass of beer. Disco ball lights move across the stage. We hear loud generic dance music. He stands as if he is watching the dance floor. Nadia, hotly dressed and drinking a something-tini, comes over and stands near him. He notices. She is lightly bopping to the music, also watching the dance floor.)

CHET

Hi.

NADIA

What?

CHET

I said, “hi.”

NADIA

Oh.

(Ping comes over and stands on the other side of Chet. She is smaller than Nadia and more conservatively dressed. She drinks bottle water and watches the dance floor. She, too, is lightly bopping to the music.)

PING

I hate places like this.

CHET

What?

PING

I hate places like this.

CHET

Then why are you here?

PING

I like to dance. What are you going to do? (Pause) What’s your name?

CHET

Chet.

PING

I’m Ping.

CHET

Ping?

PING

Yeah. Ping.

CHET

Is that some silly nickname with a really good story?

PING

No.

CHET

Oh.

PING

Do you like to dance, Chet?

(Nadia glances over and notices them talking.)

CHET

No.

PING

Then why are you here?

CHET (glancing over at Nadia)

Well… I…um…I’m in town for business. Didn’t want to be holed up in my hotel room all night. Just bored, I guess.

PING

Or lonely?

CHET

Or lonely.

NADIA

I came here to party. And get laid. I’m Nadia.

CHET

Hi, Nadia.

NADIA

Are you married, Chet?

CHET

No.

NADIA

Too bad.

CHET

Why too bad?

PING

Because married guys don’t come with strings attached.

NADIA

If you were married, I would totally do you. I wouldn’t have to worry about you hounding me.

CHET

I am from out-of-town. I may never be here ever, again. That’s got to count for something.

NADIA

It might.

PING

Guess it depends on what you want, Chet. You want to get laid or find someone special?

CHET

Getting laid would be special. Been awhile.

NADIA

She means do you want a hot, rocking one night stand or get saddled with one person over a long boring period of time?

CHET

Both?

NADIA

Not an option.

PING

Pick one.

CHET

I – I – I don’t know.

(The music quickly stops. Nadia and ping freeze. A spotlight hits Chet. Angel and Devil hand puppets pop up on his shoulders.)

ANGEL

Oh, Chet. A one-night stand is like a meal at a fast food restaurant. You’ll eat it and then regret it. You want something more nourishing that will last much longer.

DEVIL

Nothing wrong with grabbing a slice of pizza every once in awhile, Chet. You don’t know if this Ping thing is going to last or even if she’s good in the sack. An hour from now, you could be bobbing for boobies with Nadia, or drinking coffee and talking about ex-boyfriends and cats with Ping.

ANGEL

What’s wrong with a nice conversation?

DEVIL

Nothing, as long as you’re naked and talking dirty. But you’re not going to get that. The whole time Ping’s going on about how much she loves the Food Network, you’re going to be faking interest and wishing you were nailing Nadia.

ANGEL

Nadia fakes her orgasms.

DEVIL

Who cares, as long as yours is real?

ANGEL

Go for Ms. Right.

DEVIL

Go for Ms. Right Now.

CHET

Okay!

(The Angel and Devil disappear. Everything resumes as it was.)

NADIA

Okay, what?

CHET

I want to sleep with you! (Turns to Ping.) Sorry.

PING

Yeah. You are.

(She exits.)

CHET

We can go to my hotel room. I have Cinemax. And room service.

NADIA (sees someone)

Oh, hey, gotta go-

CHET

What? Where are you going?

NADIA

My boyfriend just walked in. (She walks off) Randy! Randy!

(Chet stands alone looking dejected. The Angel and Devil reappear on Chet’s shoulders, this time, the lights and music continue.)

ANGEL

Sorry it didn’t work out, Chet.

DEVIL

Yeah, Dude. That sucks.

ANGEL

Look at the bright side.

DEVIL

Yeah, Chet. Look at the bright side.

ANGEL

We’re here to keep you company.

DEVIL

Yeah, man. You know, I like how the disco lights bounce off your halo.

(Devil starts to make is way across Chet’s shoulders over to the Angel.)

ANGEL

Really? It’s new.

DEVIL

I usually don’t like ‘em, but, looks good on you.

ANGEL

I just got it. I like your tail. It’s all pointy.

DEVIL

You bet it is. Long, too.

ANGEL

This music is nice.

DEVIL

Yeah. I kind of dig it.

ANGEL

Do you like to dance?

DEVIL

I like to fuck. (The Devil hand puppet takes the Angel puppet from behind and they have quick, loud hand puppet sex.) You like that? You like that?

ANGEL

Yes! Oh, yes!

CHET

Well, at least somebody’s getting laid.

DEVIL

Who’s your savior? Who’s your savior?

ANGEL
You are! You are!

(Lights fade)