Week 49, Day 343 - "Phantom Booger"

“Phantom Booger”

Written by Joe Janes

12/27/09

343 of 365

Cast:

Joe, 20s

Tina, 20s

(Lights up on Joe and Tina, an attractive young couple, walking through a park near the lake at night near a bench.)

JOE

Wow, this lake is really beautiful at night.

TINA

Yeah. It’s nice.

JOE

Let’s sit down and enjoy the view.

TINA

Okay.

(Joe sits. Tina sits, but not near him. Joe scoots over.)

JOE

Lovely night. Warm breeze. Lots of stars and a full moon. (Tina starts scratching her nose as Joe puts his arm around her.) Couldn’t ask for a more perfect –

TINA

Oh, I hate this.

JOE

Sorry, what?

(She starts pinching her nose. She grabs his shoulders.)

TINA

Look at me.

JOE (going in for a kiss)

Finally.

TINA

Do you see a booger?

JOE

Uh-

TINA

Look way up in there, Joe. Check for boogers.

JOE

I don’t see any-

TINA

Use your keychain light.

(Joe takes out his keys and looks up her nose with a little light.)

JOE

Clean as a whistle.

TINA

Are you sure? Did you look all the way in?

JOE

If I looked any further in, I’d see your brain.

TINA

Dammit. You ever get one of those?

JOE

One of those what, my love?

TINA

A phantom booger. You feel it. It feels like a rope sticking out of your nostril and you feel like everyone can see it, but there’s nothing there.

JOE

Yeah. I guess I’ve had one of those before at one time or another. Tina, I-

TINA

That’s what I like about you, Joe. You get me.

JOE

Yeah. I get you. There’s something I need-

TINA

Like that time I sharted and you knew exactly what I meant. You were a real gentleman, lending me your coat, like that. Oh, I still owe you for the dry cleaners.

JOE

Don’t worry about it. Glad I could help a damsel in distress. Tina-

TINA

Yes, Joe?

JOE

Don’t you think this evening is romantic?

TINA

Um, sure.

JOE

Talking about bodily functions kind of works against the mood, don’t you think?

TINA

Oh, I’m sorry. I just always say what’s on my mind and what’s going on.

JOE

Which I like. But you never seem to realize when things are romantic. Like the time at that nice restaurant when you burped and threw up a little-

TINA

I shouldn’t have ordered the fois gras. It always does that.

JOE

It was Charlie Trotter’s. We waited two months for our reservation.

TINA

I appreciate it.

JOE

But you don’t show it. Like the time I brought you chocolates.

TINA

I showed my appreciation. I ate them.

JOE

Yes, you did. All of them. While I watched.

TINA

I offered you one.

JOE

And then I waited an hour for you to come out of the bathroom.

TINA

Hey, I tried to keep the conversation going. You’re the one who didn’t want to talk through the door while I dropped bowling pins.

JOE

What I want, Tina, especially in a place like this, is a kiss. A slow kiss. I want to hold your hands as I look into your eyes.

TINA

You tried that earlier. That’s when I first thought I had a booger. I thought you were staring at it.

JOE

You don’t have a romantic bone in your body.

TINA

Sure, I do.

JOE

No, you don’t. You never get me anything just because. I never catch you stealing glances at me.

TINA

Why would I steal glances, you’re right there?

JOE

You never try to kiss me or touch me. You don’t do any of the things I do. Like writing poetry.

TINA

You write poetry?

JOE

Yes, Tina. I wrote a poem about you and recited it to you last night at the bar. “I love how the light hits upon your hairs, my heart is picky and for you it only cares.” All you did was make gagging sounds.

TINA

Oh, that was a poem. I thought you were trying to rap. I wasn’t gagging, I was beat boxing.

JOE (getting up)

Maybe this isn’t going to work out.

TINA

No, Joe. No. We can work this out. I’ll try to be more romantic. Give me another chance.

JOE

The fact that you have to try to be romantic is enough to tell me that we’re probably not meant for each other. Good-bye, Tina.

(He starts to walk off. She stands on the bench.)

TINA

A love poem! By Tina Elise Costello. (Joe stops.) My heart belongs to a boy named Joe/ A guy named Cupid, his arrow he did throw/ Although my heart is full of love it can be a little dumb/ It wishes only for Joe’s love even if it’s just a crumb/ (Joe moves closer to her) His love is always with me and coats me warm with sugar (Joe stands on the bench with her and holds her hands as he looks at her)/ Even when he’s not near, I feel him like a phantom booger.

(They kiss. Tina coughs up something. Blackout.)

Week 47, Day 325- "Barflies At The Beach"

“Barflies At The Beach”

Written by Joe Janes

12/9/09

325 of 365

CAST

Woody, 50s

Aretha, 50s

Jimmy, 20s

(Lights up on Jimmy, Woody and Aretha setting up for a day at the beach. Jimmy wears shorts and a tank top. Woody unashamedly wears Speedos. Aretha wears a one piece with frilly fringe on the bottom half. Aretha is laying out a towel as Woody opens up a cooler and breaks out some beer.)

ARETHA

Finally. A day at the beach with my family.

(She and Woody share a quick kiss. She starts putting on sun tan lotion.)

JIMMY

I don’t get the big deal. It’s water. We have water at home.

WOODY

It’s good to get outdoors, Jimmy. Get some fresh air; take a dip in the lake.

JIMMY

Smells like dead fish.

WOODY

It’s supposed to smell that way. It’s a good smell.

JIMMY

You say so. That water don’t look right. Water’s supposed to be blue.

WOODY

Stop being such a wussy bag.

ARETHA

Really, Jimmy. Can’t you just enjoy yourself for once? Nobody has to work. You don’t have to go in the water, if you don’t want to. Just drink beer and sit in the sun.

JIMMY

There ain’t no sun.

ARETHA

Of course there’s a sun. Just behind the clouds right now, is all.

WOODY (handing Jimmy a beer)

Here you go, Jimmy. Let’s let Aretha soak up some clouds while the men go step in the water.

JIMMY

I don’t know, Woody.

WOODY

Just a little ways. No dunking or nothing. I saw it on TV. At these resorts in exotic places like Florida. Rich dudes stand in the ocean and drink pina coladas.

JIMMY

I’ll go as far as the water.

WOODY

That’s a start.

(They head down to the edge of the stage, which is also the edge of the water.)

JIMMY

I used to like coming to the beach, when I was a kid.

WOODY

Still the same beach.

JIMMY

Naw. It’s different. Smaller. More litter, less shells.

WOODY

You just got bigger. Come on. Let’s walk in just a bit.

(Woody steps into the water, off the edge of the stage.)

WOODY (continuing)

Whoa. Bit of a drop there. Careful. Let me hold your beer.

JIMMY

I don’t need you to hold my beer.

(Jimmy steps in.)

JIMMY (continuing)

Christ that’s cold.

(Woody has stepped out farther than Jimmy.)

WOODY

It feels good. It’s like touching nature.

JIMMY

It’s like touching nature in a bad place. There’s dead fish floating in the waves.

(If possible, Woody has found a chair to stand on.)

WOODY

Hey, Jimmy. Come on out here. I found a sand bar.

JIMMY

I’m fine, right here.

WOODY

Come on, boy. Belly up to the sand bar with your dad.

(Jimmy reluctantly moves towards the sand bar. He trips and goes under, but pops back up.)

JIMMY

Crap that’s cold!

(He hurries to the sand bar.)

WOODY

There you go. A good dunk will get you used to it.

JIMMY

I think I got lake water in my beer.

WOODY

The alcohol will kill the germs. And what it doesn’t kill will toughen you up.

JIMMY

It tastes awful.

WOODY

Here. Trade me, you puss.

JIMMY

It’s okay.

WOODY

I said trade me. I don’t want to hear you whining. (They trade. Woody takes a big old swig.) Aw, that tastes just dandy. Like drinking nature.

JIMMY

Dad, what are we doing here?

WOODY

Aw, Jimmy. I’ve got something to tell you. Man-to-man. Your mother and I are splitting up.

JIMMY

Aretha!

ARETHA

What?

JIMMY

Dad says you two are splitting up.

ARETHA

Oh, Woody, take the sock out of your trunks and shove it in your mouth.

JIMMY

So, you’re not splitting up.

ARETHA

No.

WOODY

I’m just trying to get some kind of reaction out of you, son. All you do is be all Mr. Negative about things. You’re a one-note Nancy. You seem unable to have a good time or do anything other than be terminally perturbed.

JIMMY

Just not happy about things, is all.

WOODY

You need a gal, like Aretha. But not Aretha, because she’s your mom.

JIMMY

What I need is to move away.

WOODY

Elyria, Ohio is a great place to stake your claim in the world. It’s done me good. As it did for my dad and his dad before him.

JIMMY

My life’s just not going anywhere. I need to get to someplace where more stuff is happening.

WOODY

Cleveland?

JIMMY

I was thinking Chicago.

WOODY

What the hell would you do in Chicago?

JIMMY

I don’t know. But I’d find something.

WOODY

It would be a shame if you left. Look, this is going to sound like I’m making it up after I tried to tell you Aretha and I were splitting up, but you know her doctor appointment the other day. We told you it was for a pap smear.

JIMMY

I remember, because I didn’t ask.

WOODY

Your mother has cancer.

JIMMY

What kind of cancer?

WOODY

Oh, you know. Woman cancer. Cancer of the coochie. She didn’t want you to know.

JIMMY

Aretha!

ARETHA

What?

JIMMY

How’s your vagina?

ARETHA

Fine, thank you. How’s yours?

(Woody laughs.)

WOODY

Good one, Aretha! Look, she doesn’t know yet. The doctors only told me.

JIMMY

They told you, but not her.

WOODY

Not easy news to get, Jimmy. What if I told you your dingle was rotting off? How would you like that?

JIMMY

I’d want to know. Mom! Dad says you have cancer.

ARETHA

Woody! Stop lying to the boy. I don’t have cancer.

WOODY

All right, son. She doesn’t have cancer. Yet. But look at her lying out in the sun like a drying piece of girlie jerky. She’ll get cancer soon enough.

JIMMY

Dad. I need to move on. After high school, all my friends moved or became people I no longer wanted to hang out with. There’s got to be more to life than working and drinking.

WOODY

There is. It’s called fucking. Get yourself a girlfriend.

JIMMY

I’ll be sure to look for one in Chicago.

WOODY

Look, I’m not like most dads, right?

JIMMY

That’s absolutely right.

WOODY

We’ve always been more than father and son. We’ve been best buds. You’re my best friend, Jimmy. What the hell would I do without you?

JIMMY

I’m just talking about moving, not dying. We can still be close. We’ll always be close.

WOODY

It’ll take some getting used to.

JIMMY

If I stay, I’ll be unhappy. You don’t want me to be unhappy, do you?

WOODY

Sure, I can live with that.

JIMMY

Well, I can’t.

ARETHA

Let the boy move to Chicago, Woody! Give us a reason to come visit him.

(Jimmy shrugs at his dad.)

WOODY

Give your old man a hug.

JIMMY

You’re practically naked.

(Woody grabs him, thrust his hips into him and gives him a big bear hug,)

WOODY

I’m going to miss you, son.

JIMMY

I’ll miss you, too. Can we go back to the beach? I think I’m standing on a severed hand.

(Blackout.)

Week 45, Day 311 - "The Library"

“The Library”

Written by Joe Janes

11/25/09

311of 365

Cast:

Sarah, 30s

Dave, 30s

Henry, 50s

(Lights up on Sarah sitting behind the main desk at the local library. She is checking in returned books. In the background, Henry, possibly a homeless man, sits and reads an old issue of Cosmopolitan. Dave approaches with a book.)

DAVE

Hey, Sarah.

(She looks at him but doesn’t stop what she is doing. She stamps three more books.)

SARAH

There. What can I do for you today…Dave?

DAVE

Just returning this book.

(He hands it to Sarah. She takes it and looks at the card.)

SARAH

Oh, yes, The Time Traveler’s Wife.

DAVE

Thanks for recommending it.

SARAH

It’s so romantic and adventurous. Funny and charming. It really hit the spot with me. I thought of you the whole time I read it and I thought you’d enjoy the time travel aspect since you usually check out science fiction.

DAVE

Science fiction? You mean that Harry Potter book? That was just once. I was just trying to find out what’s coming up in the movies, I hate waiting.

SARAH

I see. What did you think of The Time Traveler’s Wife? Moving and romantic?

DAVE

I guess. I, um, didn’t finish it.

SARAH

So, you want to renew it.

DAVE

No, that’s okay.

SARAH

You didn’t like it. Maybe you need to give it more time. Oh! I think I just made a little joke. (She giggles to herself.) Let me renew it for you.

DAVE

Really, I’d rather not. What happened was, I started reading it. Got about a third of the way in, and then the movie was on the television. So, I just watched the movie.

SARAH

That’s really not the same thing.

DAVE

I know. And I hated the movie. Real cheesy. Kind of dumb. More about relationships than time travel. The time travel just seemed like an inconvenience. Like epilepsy. Or herpes. I hated it so much I couldn’t go back to the book.

SARAH

That’s a shame.

DAVE

I’m sorry, Sarah. Do you have some other book you can recommend?

SARAH

No. No, I don’t think so. Nothing you’d like.

DAVE

I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings.

SARAH

What? Oh, you didn’t. Takes more than that.

DAVE

You know, I’m being silly. Let me go ahead and renew that book. I’ll finish reading it.

SARAH

I’m afraid it’s too late. (She quickly stamps it.) I’ve already processed it. And Henry already had his name on the waiting list. Here you go, Henry. (Henry walks over, a little confused.) Take it.

HENRY

Thanks.

(He shuffles off.)

SARAH

Happy reading, Henry.

HENRY

I’ll be in the bathroom.

SARAH

No sleeping.

DAVE

Okay, Sarah. Okay. (He turns to leave and gets as far as the door. He turns back.) You know that whole “chrono displacement” thing. He keeps showing up places buck-naked. You’d think he’d be constantly thrown in jail. At least getting beat up. In Chicago, any way. If a strange naked man walked up to me, I’d elbow him in the face.

SARAH

I guess some people are more sensitive to the feelings of others than you might be, Mr. Winchell. I would at least give him the benefit of a doubt. A man in such a vulnerable state needs someone they can rely on.

DAVE

I suppose.

(He exits.)

SARAH

Stupid movies. They ruin everything.

(Henry walks back in naked, covering his private parts with the book.)

HENRY

Hello, Sarah. I’ve travelled through time to be with you.

SARAH

Travel back to the bathroom before I elbow you in the face. (Henry shuffles off.) And burn that book!

(Blackout.)

Week 44, Day 307 - "You Know - Like The End of the World"

“You Know – Like The End of the World”

Written by Joe Janes

11/21/09

307 of 365

CAST:

Peter, late teens

Muriel, late teens

News Anchor, ???

(Lights up on Peter, a nerdy teen who got dressed up, complete with a corsage, escorting Muriel, an emo-goth girl, into his room. SPECIAL NOTE: There is the role of the TV News Anchor which can be done entirely as a voice-over or on stage in a separate playing area>))

PETER

And this is my room, where all the magic happens.

MURIEL

What magic?

PETER

My homework, mostly.

MURIEL

Look, I know we don’t know each other really well, but I appreciate you trying to help me with algebra.

PETER

I am always happy to help a damsel in distress. (He pulls out a chair.) Your throne. (She, of mild disgust, sits.)

MURIEL

Your mom told my mom that you’re really good with math.

PETER

Ha. “Really good” is an understatement, Numbers are my bitches.

MURIEL

I wouldn’t need help if Mr. Othic hadn’t caught me cheating.

PETER

Well, that’s the problem with writing teeny, tiny notes on your shoes. It causes you to squint and stare at your Chuck Taylors.

MURIEL

Why are you dressed up? Did you go to a prom earlier? Or church? Or some church prom?

PETER

No. I just like to dress up when a lady comes to visit.

MURIEL

Whatever.

PETER

Do you mind if I turn on the television? I don’t want to miss the “Lost” marathon.

MURIEL

You like “Lost”?

PETER

Oh, yes, indeed. I find its time paradoxes to be fascinating brain ticklers. Like algebra.

MURIEL

I tried watching it once. I thought it was stupid. Nobody survives a plane crash like that. And a smoke monster? Is that to try to get me to quit cigarettes? Can I smoke in here?

PETER

Normally, I would say yes. But my mom and dad could come home at any moment and they wouldn’t be so understanding. (He turns down the volume.) I’ll keep the volume down. I’ve seen them all before. I just want to see if they include any Easter eggs, like fake commercials for Oceana Airlines. Now, then, did you bring your algebra book?

MURIEL

No. You didn’t say I’d need it.

PETER

I see. Well, fear not. I, Peter the Awesome, am always prepared. I have kept copies of my textbooks over the years and have my algebra book from last year. (He goes to a bookshelf) Here we go.

MURIEL

You’re not supposed to keep your book.

PETER

You’re not supposed to cheat on tests, either.

MURIEL

Don’t you end up paying a fine for not returning the book?

PETER

Which my father gladly pays for… sucker.

(They hear a high-pitched tone coming from the television. Then a squawking sound. Then the voice of an exasperated announcer.)

ANNOUNCER (VO)

Ladies and gentlemen, this is NOT a test. I repeat, this is NOT a test of the emergency broadcast system. This is an actual emergency. We’re getting news reports from all corners of the globe. The polar ice caps have melted. Repeat, they have melted, raising tide levels all over the world. Every know active volcano has erupted and is spewing lava, every known fault line has shifted and earthquakes are all registering a devastating ten on the Richter Scale, wild fires, tsunamis, tidal waves, hurricanes. Every known natural disaster is now bearing down upon this planet.

PETER

Oh my God.

MURIEL

That’s horrible.

PETER

It’s a good thing we’re in Kansas. I don’t think any of those things will affect us.

ANNOUNCER (VO)

More horrible news is coming in, ladies and gentleman. Oh, this is just horrible. On tip of these natural disasters, swine flu seems to have quadrupled in strength. We’re getting reports of swine flu, sars, west Nile, every conceivable type of flu is falling mankind.

MURIEL

Oh, Peter.

(Muriel grabs on to Peter, who likes that she did that.)

PETER

Don’t worry, Muriel. I’ll protect you.

MURIEL

How can you protect me from the flu?

PETER

I have plenty of free time and often run doomsday scenarios here in my bedroom. (He pulls back his closet door.) Here I have a bounty of survival needs. Cliff bars, bottled water, a filter for turning urine into water, gallons of hand sanitizer, toilet paper, a CB radio and a battery-powered PlayStation 3.

MURIEL

What about a gun, for protection?

PETER

I have nun-chucks.

ANNOUNCER (VO)

Ladies and gentleman, I keep hoping I can break in with some good news, but, I’m afraid, I only have more. The moon has broken its orbit and is hurtling towards us. Flying saucers are hovering over all major cities blasting major buildings and landmarks with some massive laser-like weapon. The dead are coming back to life and feasting on the living. It’s unclear if these two incidents are related. And this just is, the skies have cracked open and the air force reports seeing four men on horseback riding across the stratosphere looking intent. I’m not sure what that means, but that is the word used, intent. Maybe they meant intense.

MURIEL

Peter, what are we going to do?

PETER

We’ll be safe in here. I’ll lock all the doors and windows (He does this as he speaks.) Muriel, if we survive this…

MURIEL

Yes?

PETER

Well, we may have to repopulate the planet.

MURIEL

Okay. Can we do that later?

PETER

Um, sure. I’m not saying it just to, you know, have my way with you. I’m being practical. We’re young, we’re fertile, we may be mankind’s only hope.

MURIEL

I really don’t want to think about it, right now, Peter. The world is crumbling around us.

PETER

I’m sorry to harp on it, but just in case something should happen to me. I want you to know we’re still covered.

MURIEL

I have no idea what you’re talking about. If you die, you’ll become a zombie and I’ll have to beat your brains in with num-chucks. Which I am willing to do.

(Peter pulls out a small Styrofoam ice chest from the closet.)

PETER

This ice chest is filled with over a hundred vials of my nectar. (He takes off the lid.)

MURIEL

You keep your own… in old prescription bottles?

PETER

I told you. I’m prepared for any doomsday scenario. Whatever you don’t use, you might be able to sell on the black market. If there are other survivors, they’ll want to start giving birth to geniuses. And here’s a turkey baster! I put a ribbon on it.

MURIEL

I’m having a hard time dealing with all this, Peter. The last thing I want to think about is popping out little Peters to repopulate the planet.

ANNOUNCER (VO)

As if things couldn’t get any worse, folks, poisonous giant spiders are climbing our television tower. We’ll be off the air soon. Apparently, giant spiders are crawling all over electric systems all over the world and are about to knock out all electronic communications grids. The consequences of this will surely be the final nail in humanity’s coffin. We’ll all be cut off from one another as all airplanes currently in flight drop from the skies like dead birds. Dead birds struck down in flight. Falling like rocks. Rocks shaped like dead birds. Or large airplanes. What’s this under my desk? Snakes! Snakes! Motherfucking sna-

(The announcer is cut off and all we hear is fuzz. The lights cut off in Peter’s room. He quickly lights a portable lantern. He and Muriel stare at one another and hold hands over the lamp. We hear the sound of an airplane falling from the sky. It gets louder and louder. They run to the window to look. They see it crash in a big ball of fire.)

MURIEL

See. No survivors.

(Blackout.)