Week 50, Day 345 - "iMiranda"

"iMiranda"

Written by Joe Janes

12/29/09

345 of 365

CAST:

Brian, 50s

Tom, 40s

Collins, 30s

(Lights up on, Brian, a plain clothes cop throwing a handcuffed Tom into a chair. Another cop, Collins, enters behind them and stands in the background.)

BRIAN

Sit down, Scum.

TOM

I want my lawyer!

BRIAN

All right. All right. We’ll give you your one phone call.

(Collins brings a phone over and puts it on the table as Brian uncuffs one of Tom’s hands and locks the cuff on the table.)

BRIAN

Well?

TOM

I don’t know my lawyer’s number.

COLLINS (pulling out iPhone)

I can google it for you.

BRIAN

Call information.

TOM

But then I’m making two phone calls.

BRIAN

Oh, that’s right.

COLLINS

Actually, information can also dial the number for you. Costs a little more, but it’s technically just one phone call.

BRIAN

There you go.

(Tom dials 411. He presses one for English.)

TOM

I don’t know why they make you press a number if you speak English. English should be the default, you know.

BRIAN

I know. You should press a button if you don’t want English.

COLLINS

There are more Spanish speakers in the U.S. than there are speakers of Chinese, French, Hawaiian, and the Native American languages combined. There are also 45 million Hispanics who speak Spanish as a first and second language ^and there are 6 million Spanish students, making the US the world's second-largest Spanish-speaking community, only after Mexico and ahead of Spain, Colombia and Argentina. Que pasa?

TOM

Chicago, Illinois… I got a computer.

(Collins starts to speak; Brian holds his hand up to him to not.)

TOM (continuing)

Yeah, I need the number to my lawyer… Peter Francis Geracie. Geracie. It’s, um, J-

COLLINS (looking at his iPhone)

G.

TOM

G…

COLLINS (Tom repeats one letter at a time)

E-R-A-C-I-E. I have the number, too.

TOM

Yeah. Go ahead and connect me… It’s ringing… Oh, crap, it’s voicemail. I have to push a button. Bankruptcy…

BRIAN

No.

TOM

Divorce…

BRIAN

No.

TOM

There’s no “assault on an asshole with a deadly weapon.”

COLLINS

Press “0.” It usually puts you straight through to the office on most systems.

(Tom presses zero.)

TOM

It’s ringing, again… Yes, hello… What?...Oh… Do what, now?... Where are you?... Really?... Okay, I’m listening…

(Brian looks at Collins who shrugs that he doesn’t know what’s going on.)

TOM

Okay, thank you… I hope you enjoy being in Indiana…Oh, India. (He hangs up.)

BRIAN

Well?

TOM

Apparently, he only sees clients who are Facebook fans. Can I use a computer?

BRIAN

What the hell is happening to this world? We can’t drag a computer in here.

COLLINS

You can use my iPhone-

TOM

Does reading me my rights still count?

COLLINS

-just as soon as I tweet you your rights.

(Blackout.)

Week 28, Day 190 - "Dear Penthouse"

“Dear Penthouse”
Written by Joe Janes
7/27/09
190 of 365

CAST
Dina, 20s
Megan, 20s
Shelly, 20s
Dave, 40s
Scott, 20s
Ted, 20s

(Lights up on Megan, Shelly and Dina in their college apartment. Megan and Shelly sit at a table doing homework. Dina is watching TV.)

DINA

Are you guys going to study all night?

MEGAN

It’s only seven o’clock.

DINA

Whatever.

SHELLY

Aren’t you worried about passing your history test?

DINA

Professor Krause always does multiple choice.

SHELLY

So?

DINA

The answer is “B.”

MEGAN

Answering “B” won’t get you an “A.”

DINA

I just want to pass.

(Doorbell rings. Shelly looks at Dina, who doesn’t move.)

SHELLY

Don’t get up.

(Shelly answers the door. Dave enters carrying a pizza and case of beer.)

SHELLY (continuing)

Dad!

DAVE

Hi, Shelly. Girls, the pizza boy is here!

(He enters and puts the pizza and beer on the table. He starts opening beers and handing them out.)

DINA

Hi, Mr. Jensen.

DAVE

Mr., Jensen? Is my dad here?

SHELLY

No, mine is.

DAVE

Call me, Dave, Dina. Hi, Megan.

MEGAN

Hi…Dave. Thanks for bringing us pizza. I was just thinking about how hungry I was.

SHELLY

Dad, this is nice, but we’re trying to study for a test.

DAVE

A test? A test in what? Lay it on your old man. I’ll help you.

MEGAN

American History.

DAVE

American History, American History… Multiple choice?

MEGAN

Yes.

DAVE

Just answer “B.”

DINA

That’s what I said, Dave!

(She high fives him and he is very happy about that.)

SHELLY (going back to studying)

Oh, God.

DAVE

I can’t believe you attractive young ladies are spending your evening studying.

SHELLY

It’s Tuesday.

DAVE

But you’re in college. And I just read your school is rated one of the top twenty party schools in the country.

MEGAN

Something to be proud of.

DAVE

Put the books away. Let’s eat us some pizza. Drink us some beers. Call more of your girlfriends and invite them over. Let’s have a party. …I’m buying!

DINA (texting)

I just texted my friends, Dave.

SHELLY

Dina, we’re not having a party.

DINA

We are, now. I also posted it on Facebook and Twitter.

DAVE

Cool. I brought a party CD, too.

(He hands Dina a CD.)

SHELLY

Dave… Can I speak with you in the kitchen, please?

DAVE (grabs a beer)

Sure, Shelly.

(They walk to the far side of the stage through a “door” into the kitchen.)

DAVE (continuing)

Here’s your beer.

SHELLY

I don’t want a beer. I want to spend the evening studying for my test.

DAVE

Shelly, Shelly. You only live once. Your college years are going to fly by.

SHELLY

They’re my college years. Not yours. I don’t need you around trying to relive your college years.

DAVE

Believe me, the last thing I want to do is relive my college years.

SHELLY

Pizza? Beer? Parties?

DAVE

I was a dork in college. Yeah, I know. Me. All I did was study and get “A”s. I was the most boring man on campus.

SHELLY

Then what the hell are you doing? Trying to make up for lost time?

DAVE

What? No. Just trying to make sure my little girl and her roommates get the most out of these formulative important years.

SHELLY

Which one?

DAVE

I don’t know-

SHELLY

Which one of my roommates do you have the hots for?

DAVE

Dina has some pretty hot videos on Facebook.

SHELLY

You’re watching videos of my friends on Facebook.

DAVE

You friended me. You were tagged in her karaoke strip tease.

SHELLY

We were drunk.

DAVE

I know. That’s why I brought beer and the greatest hits of Bon Jovi, karaoke-style.

SHELLY

Jesus, Dad. It’s my life. Not your chance to live out Internet porn fantasies.

DAVE

Sure you don’t want a beer?

SHELLY

Go home. Go date women your own age.

DAVE

Women my age don’t look like that.

SHELLY

Stop trying to sleep with my friends. Seriously. It’s time for you to leave.

(She opens the door for Dave to leave. They enter the living room where the karaoke version of Bon Jovi’s “You Give Love A Bad Name” is blaring. Megan and Dina have their tops off and are singing along loudly. Scott is video taping them. Ted is cheering them on. If there’s more students around partying, awesome. Megan and Dina grab Dave and make him join them. Everyone is singing along, except Shelly. Shelly grabs her textbook and three beers and exits. Lights fade.)

Week 27, Day 187 - "A Little Psycho"

(This was posted after midnight Friday.)

“A Little Psycho”
Written by Joe Janes
7/24/09
187 of 365

CAST
Miranda, 30s
Frank, 30s

(Lights up on Miranda and Frank on a sofa kissing passionately. Miranda stops the action.)

MIRANDA

Okay. Okay. Wait. (She stakes a breath) Okay.

(They start kissing, again. Miranda breaks it off once more.)

MIRANDA (continuing)

Okay, okay. (Takes a deep breath.) Frank.

FRANK

Miranda.

MIRANDA

You can spend the night tonight, if you want to.

FRANK

Okay.

MIRANDA

Okay, what?

FRANK

Okay, I want to.

MIRANDA

One other question-

FRANK

I have two in my wallet.

MIRANDA

Two?

FRANK

I’m very optimistic.

MIRANDA

Okay. (They start kissing. She breaks away again.) Wait. That wasn’t the question I was asking. Good to know, but not what I was asking. We’ve only been dating a few weeks. I don’t know you very well.

FRANK

Okay. What do you want to know? I’m an open book. You can ask me anything.

MIRANDA

Are you a psycho?

FRANK

Am I a psycho?

MIRANDA

I really need to know before I get too hopeful about us. My last boyfriend was a psycho but I didn’t find out until after a year in. Then I spent another year trying to make it work with a psycho. So, are you a psycho?

FRANK

Yes.

MIRANDA

You are?

FRANK

A little. I’ve Googled your name several times.

MIRANDA

That’s not so bad. I Googled-

FRANK

I even Googled your name and my name together to see if you were writing about us somewhere.

MIRANDA

Did you find anything?

FRANK

Just my own blog.

MIRANDA

You have a blog?

FRANK

I also searched your name on several porn sites to see if you had any amateur adult videos out there.

MIRANDA

You did not find anything.

FRANK

Sadly, no. I even tried possible porn names – Randy Miranda, Miranda Mountaintops, Miranda Munch. You’re clean.

MIRANDA

Well, I guess that’s a little psycho-

FRANK

And then I Googled all your Facebook friends.

MIRANDA

That seems excessive.

FRANK

They seem like okay people. Your brother’s a Nazi, though.

MIRANDA

White Supremist doesn’t necessarily mean Nazi, Frank.

FRANK

But that’s the only thing I found that I thought was suspicious. You don’t appear to be dating anyone else.

MIRANDA

I told you I wasn’t.

FRANK

Hello – psycho.

MIRANDA

Right. That’s a shame. I really wanted you to stay over.

FRANK

Well, in my defense. That’s about the extent of my psychotic behavior. I’m not violent. I don’t break things. I won’t damage your clothes. I really do care about you.

MIRANDA

Well. I’d hate it if both your condoms went to waste.

FRANK

That’s more like it. And I’ll leave early so you have plenty of time to meet your mother for brunch.

MIRANDA

How did you know I was meeting my mother for brunch?

FRANK

I read your e-mail. Too much?

MIRANDA

Leave.

(Blackout.)

Week 20, Day 139 - "An On-line Education"

(This is Saturday's post published after midnight)

“An On-line Education”
Written by Joe Janes
6/6/09
139 of 365

CAST
Edna, 50s
Elsie, 50s
Jared, 30s

(Lights up on Edna and Elsie having coffee in Elsie’s living room. Jared, in shabby t-shirt and shorts, works at a laptop on a table off to the side.)

EDNA

This coffee is delicious. Maxwell House?

ELSIE

I switched to Folgers’s Crystals.

EDNA

It’s very good.

ELSIE

It’s the crystals.

EDNA

Has Jared found a job, yet?

ELSIE

Oh, I didn’t tell you. Jared is going to college.

EDNA

Really? That’s great. Where?

ELSIE

Right here. On the computer. You can do that these days.

EDNA

Oh, sure. I’ve seen the commercials.

ELSIE

A degree and everything.

EDNA

Jared, your mother tells me you’re a college boy, now.

JARED

Hunh? Oh, yeah. That’s right Aunt Edna.

EDNA

What’s your major?

JARED

Uh, business communications and management marketing.

EDNA

Oh, my. Very exciting.

ELSIE

Very cutting edge, right Jared?

JARED

Right, Mom.

EDNA

You’ll have to invite me to your graduation.

ELSIE

I don’t think they have one.

JARED

They just e-mail it to you and you print it out.

EDNA

The miracle of technology. Are you in class, right now?

(She gets up and moves behind him)

JARED

Yeah. I’m taking a quiz.

EDNA

What’s it about?

JARED

I’m actually done. I’m waiting for the results, now.

EDNA (reading the screen)

You are most like Jabba the Hut. Is that a good thing?

JARED

Yeah. It’s like an “A.” I have a lot more quizzes to do, so, you know…

EDNA

Study away! It’s good to see you so motivated. I always told your mother you were a late bloomer. And look at you, blooming.

ELSIE

He’ll be a college graduate in no time.

EDNA (returning to her seat)

I used to be so worried about him, Elsie. Such a loafer. Mooching off you all these years. I was wrong about you, Jared.

(He nods)

ELSIE

The tuition’s much cheaper than regular college. I don’t mind paying it at all. Worth the investment. It will make him very hirable. He’ll get a job by the time he’s 35 and then he’ll be able to take care of me for a change (she giggles.)

JARED (getting up and exiting)

Hey, Mom. Can I have your credit card?

ELSIE

Sure, Dear. It’s in my purse.

JARED (off)

Got it.

EDNA

Didn’t you already pay for his classes?

ELSIE

Sometimes there are extra class fees, just like the real thing. Right, Jared?

JARED (re-entering)

Um, yeah. Headmistress Jasmine wants to have a one-on-one tutorial with me. Costs extra. So, I’m going to take the laptop into the bathroom. For some privacy.

ELSIE

Okay, Dear. You be nice to her. Be respectful.

EDNA

Do what she says!

JARED

Oh, I will. Got to make sure Mom gets her money’s worth.

(He exits with the laptop.)

ELSIE

He’s become more thoughtful since he’s been in school.

EDNA

He seems more mature.

ELSIE

They grow up so fast.

EDNA

This is really good coffee.

ELSIE

It’s the crystals.

(Blackout)

Week Three, Day Eighteen - "Single White Friendster"

“Single White Friendster”
Written by Joe Janes
2/5/09
18 of 365

CAST:

Kimberly, late 20s
Wendy, 30

(Lights up on Kimberly and Wendy sitting at their respective desks. Kimberly is downstage right and Wendy is up left angled slightly away from Kimberly. There’s a small “ding” sound. Kimberly just received an e-mail.)

KIMBERLY (without turning her head)

Did you just send me an e-mail?

WENDY

What? Hunh?

KIMBERLY

You just sent me an e-mail, Wendy.

WENDY (looking at screen)

Um, oh, yeah. What do you know? I guess I did.

KIMBERLY

I’m ten feet away from you.

WENDY

I know. I wasn’t thinking. Did you read it?

KIMBERLY (reads the e-mail, rolls her eyes)

Wendy, nobody does Friendster any more.

WENDY (rolls over to Kimberly in her office chair)

What’s that, Kimberly?

KIMBERLY

Nobody does Friendster anymore. People do Facebook.

WENDY

Facebook? Gotcha. You’re on Facebook?

KIMBERLY

No. I’m not. And I’m not on Friendster.

WENDY

Gotcha. (She rolls back to her desk. Kimberly sighs. Wendy rolls back.) Hmmm?

KIMBERLY

What?

WENDY

Did you say something to me?

KIMBERLY

No.

WENDY

Okay. (She rolls back and starts working at her computer. Kimberly resumes work and there’s another “ding.” She rolls her eyes. Wendy keeps working but also keeps looking over at Kimberly. Suddenly, there’s a “ding ding” at Kimberly’s computer.)

KIMBERLY

Why are you instant messaging me? I’m right here?

WENDY

Um, oh. Okay. Sorry. You looked busy. I didn’t want to disturb you. Did you get my evite?

KIMBERLY (checking)

Yes. I got your evite.

WENDY (rolls over to Kimberly)

Yeah? Does it sound like fun? Do you like bowling?

KIMBERLY

No. Not really.

WENDY

That’s cool. We can do something else.

KIMBERLY

Why would you want to do something else? It’s your (reading screen) Birthday Bowling Bash.

WENDY

I want everyone to have a good time. Not everyone likes bowling. What would you like to do, Kimberly?

KIMBERLY

Wendy. Here’s the thing. I have my job and I have my life outside my job. I like to keep them separate. Do you understand?

WENDY

Sure. Gotcha. (She rolls back, sadly. She sits at her computer, listlessly typing. She sniffs a bit. Kimberly, feeling the guilt, walks over to her.)

KIMBERLY

It’s nothing personal, Wendy. Did you get any other responses from your evite?

WENDY

I only sent it to you.

KIMBERLY

You sent an evite to your Birthday Bowling Bash only to me?

WENDY

My 30th Birthday Bowling Bash.

KIMBERLY

Your 30th? Why would you do that?

WENDY

You’ll just laugh at me.

KIMBERLY

I promise I won’t laugh.

WENDY

I think you’re cool.

KIMBERLY

You think I’m cool? Wendy, this isn’t high school. It’s work.

WENDY

I know. I know. It’s stupid. I still think you’re cool. And I wanted to hang out with you on my birthday.

KIMBERLY

Wendy, I already hang out with you more than any other human being on the planet.

WENDY

You do?

KIMBERLY

We hang out eight hours a day five days a week.

WENDY

You do! Except when you go to lunch. Or on unscheduled breaks,

KIMBERLY

Happy birthday. Really. Happy birthday. I just like to keep my life in different compartments, Wendy. I have my co-workers; I have my family and friends. I like to leave my work at work. If I have a friend who is also a co-worker, you know what we’ll do when we get together?

WENDY (excited by the idea)

No, what will we do?

KIMBERLY

We’ll talk about work.

WENDY

Yeah. That Mr. O’Connell. Ooh, he makes me mad sometimes. He’s so high strung. Why doesn’t he just die of a heart attack, already?

KIMBERLY (cutting her off)

Wendy, Wendy! I don’t want to talk about work when I’m not at work. Do you understand? Work at work.

WENDY

Sure. I understand. I’m the same way, really. I have work and I have my “not” work. Work stays here. Birds, Scrabble, decorating my jeans jackets with rhinestones and metal studs, washing my mother’s hair, all stays at home.

KIMBERLY

Good. What are you doing for your birthday?

WENDY

I just told you.

KIMBERLY

You’re washing your mother’s hair on your birthday?

WENDY

After we play Scrabble and decorate our matching jean jackets.

(Awkward hopeful pause)

KIMBERLY

Sounds like a good time.

WENDY

Do you want-?

(Kimberly stops her with a look and a raised index finger. Wendy sheepishly smiles and nods and mime “locks” her lips as she returns to work. Kimberly goes back to her desk and back to work. There’s a “ding.”)

KIMBERLY

I told you I’m not on Facebook!

(Lights Out)