...that there's nothing inherently wrong with being a republican or republican ideals. The problem is that the GOP has abandoned their core principles and replaced them with fear mongering and hypocrisy. The result being they now have tea baggers, right wing extremists and militia groups who claim them as their own. Nice company. I'd rather hang out with Obama than any high profile republican any day. Except for Steele. Apparently that dude knows how to party.
...that the best Chicago theater is still out there and being done. It's done on a dime, with a lot of gut, and with people smoking real cigarettes on stage.
...that Sandra Bullock shouldn't be so surprised. I mean, look at the guy. Women who are attracted to bad boys shouldn't be shocked when they act like bad boys.
...that if you yell on the senate floor that health care reform will bring Armageddon then you shouldn't wonder why all the mouth breathers are up in arms and inciting violence. However, if you are a God-fearing Christian anti-evolution mouth breather, isn't Armageddon good news? It's the event before the second coming of Christ.
...that Ricky Martin is very brave since he built a career on the ladies wanting to get all La Vida Loca in his tight trousers. But anyone surprised that Ricky Martin is gay was also flabbergasted by George Michael, Clay Aiken, Rock Hudson and Liberace. Yes, Don. Liberace was gay.
satire, social commentary, sketch comedy, writing, stuff
Showing posts with label I Believes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label I Believes. Show all posts
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Wednesday, February 24, 2010
I Believe...
...that some people look for a reason to be offended (looking at you GOP) and are more likely to be offended depending on the source (looking at you Sarah Palin). But the thing is, who cares if you're offended? What does it even mean? Were you somehow damaged when you were offended? Did it tear your arm off or just "ruin" some experience for a moment? If someone's goal is to be offensive (looking at you Limbaugh) and you're offended, then score! Or you can choose to not to give the matter any more weight than it deserves and move on.
...theater is fleeting. You toil, you create, you display, you destroy, you move on to the next thing. It's a lot like dating.
...that I used to be a full-fledged vegan. Damn you, pizza. Why do I love you?
...that art is at its best when it has an opinion and someone might be offended.
...that the first two years of high school were awful - crippled by shyness, self-conscious with acne, no sense of fashion. The last two years were a blast because I learned to surround myself with people whose company I enjoyed. They were creative. We explored music, movies and TV together, we shared a lot about what we were learning about the world. We had fun and weren't easily offended. Might be the most important lesson learned in those four years. That and photosynthesis.
EDDIE'S SKETCHBOOK, PART III
The set had a corner that represented a movie theater. This is my take on what the exterior wall might have looked like.
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Yesterday, I asked...
According to BBC News, thousands of apps with adult-themed content have been removed from the store since Friday although some, such as one from Playboy, remain. ChilliFresh is an Australian company that creates apps for the iPhone, including the recently banned Wobble, which allows users to add 'wobble' functionality to any picture. The firm markets the app by suggesting people can use it to wobble women's breasts.
That's right. Apple removed the apps because people said they were offended. But kept Playboy, because, well, that's the "good" porn. I'm embarrassed. Not about porn. I read the news article wrong yesterday, or it was updated. I thought Wobble just had pictures of wobbly boobies. This, apparently, can take pictures of women and make their naughty bits jiggle.
This is an amazing advance in technology. Why does Apple hate the future? And why don't women see this as an example of how much we love and appreciate them? Where's that rock I was sleeping under...tiny...brain...tired...
...theater is fleeting. You toil, you create, you display, you destroy, you move on to the next thing. It's a lot like dating.
...that I used to be a full-fledged vegan. Damn you, pizza. Why do I love you?
...that art is at its best when it has an opinion and someone might be offended.
...that the first two years of high school were awful - crippled by shyness, self-conscious with acne, no sense of fashion. The last two years were a blast because I learned to surround myself with people whose company I enjoyed. They were creative. We explored music, movies and TV together, we shared a lot about what we were learning about the world. We had fun and weren't easily offended. Might be the most important lesson learned in those four years. That and photosynthesis.
EDDIE'S SKETCHBOOK, PART III
The set had a corner that represented a movie theater. This is my take on what the exterior wall might have looked like.
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Yesterday, I asked...
"Apple recently pulled thousands of adult-themed apps for iPhone including one from ChilliFresh, an Australian company, called "Wobble" which featured what?"
50% said "kangaroos having sex" - Did you see the pouch on that one? Crikey!
25% said "all things jiggly" - Jell-No
No one said "models falling on runways" - No. That's called "the news."
25% git it right with "women's breasts"
According to BBC News, thousands of apps with adult-themed content have been removed from the store since Friday although some, such as one from Playboy, remain. ChilliFresh is an Australian company that creates apps for the iPhone, including the recently banned Wobble, which allows users to add 'wobble' functionality to any picture. The firm markets the app by suggesting people can use it to wobble women's breasts.
That's right. Apple removed the apps because people said they were offended. But kept Playboy, because, well, that's the "good" porn. I'm embarrassed. Not about porn. I read the news article wrong yesterday, or it was updated. I thought Wobble just had pictures of wobbly boobies. This, apparently, can take pictures of women and make their naughty bits jiggle.
This is an amazing advance in technology. Why does Apple hate the future? And why don't women see this as an example of how much we love and appreciate them? Where's that rock I was sleeping under...tiny...brain...tired...
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
I Believe...
...Rod Blagojevich is being controlled by a parasitic alien being that has latched on to his brain in the form of his hair. Here's a picture of a post-apocalyptic Blagojevich...
...Blagojevich is the new Britney Spears. Yes, impeach his ass, but there's more important things to focus on such as the economy and war criminals telling everyone they're leaving Washington with their heads held high, which is good news for the snipers.
...if you live in Chicago and bitch about the weather, you're an idiot. That's like someone in Hawaii bitching about the warmth. Throw fashion out the window, dress in layers, leave early, stock up on hot chocolate and cherish the times you get to hole up in a cozy warm apartment.
...that when Don Hall writes "I Believes" like "...that the dual nature of reason balancing faith is both perilous and absolutely essential to the human experience. Without reason, we are bound to accept the authority of demagogues and zealots; without faith we cannot find the hope that things can be better than they are.", he's clearly reading too many books and needs to go back to playing with his PSP (pretty small penis).
...it's easy for me to take a shot at Don because he writes his "I Believes" first and then I cut and paste them here and do my spin on them. If he didn't, I'd still be in bed playing with my PSP (pretty spectacular penis).
...I really don't give a rat's ass about what Sarah Palin has to say about anything. Move on, "news" reporters.
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Yesterday, I asked...
46% said "are born rich"
- Well, it does help you become a republican president in the United States.
39% said "have big feet"
- This is just an indicator their mother was a duck.
No one said "have beards"
15% got it right with "have long ring fingers"
According to The Associated Press, researchers at the University of Cambridge in England report that men with longer ring fingers, compared to their index fingers, tended to be more successful in the frantic high-frequency trading in the London financial district.
...Blagojevich is the new Britney Spears. Yes, impeach his ass, but there's more important things to focus on such as the economy and war criminals telling everyone they're leaving Washington with their heads held high, which is good news for the snipers.
...if you live in Chicago and bitch about the weather, you're an idiot. That's like someone in Hawaii bitching about the warmth. Throw fashion out the window, dress in layers, leave early, stock up on hot chocolate and cherish the times you get to hole up in a cozy warm apartment.
...that when Don Hall writes "I Believes" like "...that the dual nature of reason balancing faith is both perilous and absolutely essential to the human experience. Without reason, we are bound to accept the authority of demagogues and zealots; without faith we cannot find the hope that things can be better than they are.", he's clearly reading too many books and needs to go back to playing with his PSP (pretty small penis).
...it's easy for me to take a shot at Don because he writes his "I Believes" first and then I cut and paste them here and do my spin on them. If he didn't, I'd still be in bed playing with my PSP (pretty spectacular penis).
...I really don't give a rat's ass about what Sarah Palin has to say about anything. Move on, "news" reporters.
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Yesterday, I asked...
"Researchers at the University of Cambridge in England report that men are more likely to have financial success if they what?"
46% said "are born rich"
- Well, it does help you become a republican president in the United States.
39% said "have big feet"
- This is just an indicator their mother was a duck.
No one said "have beards"
15% got it right with "have long ring fingers"
According to The Associated Press, researchers at the University of Cambridge in England report that men with longer ring fingers, compared to their index fingers, tended to be more successful in the frantic high-frequency trading in the London financial district.
The same ring-to-index finger ratio has previously been associated with success in competitive sports such as soccer and basketball, the researchers noted.
Previous studies have found that having an extended ring finger can lead to increased confidence, risk preferences, search persistence, heightened vigilance and quickened reaction times.
So, ladies, stop checking out my geisha-like feet when we meet and start looking at my gangly ring finger as I sort the bills in my velcro wallet!
Wednesday, November 26, 2008
I Believe...
...that Dada is art come alive. And just like encountering another human being. Dada is full of mystery, complexity, pain and beauty. And, like the stories we tell ourselves, only means what we say it means.
...that there's something off in America about work and holidays. I no longer look at the holidays as a time for reflection and spiritual fine-tuning. It is time off. A chance to get caught up on that thing I've been writing and cleaning the bath tub. Or, more likely, get caught up on the shows on my DVR or in my Netflix queue.
...that president-elect Obama has already had more press conferences before taking office than Bush has had in eight years. This is a different kind of president and it's going to make the status quo deregulation corporate tool morons who are happy with our ship heading towards an iceberg very unhappy. Of course, thanks to the status quo deregulation corporate tool morons, that ice berg will probably melt by the time we get there.
...that I am strangely unaffected by the current economy. I'm paying my bills. Barely covering my ass. Just like always. All the news programs are recommending ways to tighten our belts. Hey, elite media! Stop flaunting your high falutin' belts in my face. Let me know when you have something to say that we, the beltless of America, can relate to!
$500 REWARD
So, I got a reward for $500. In my dreams. Not sure who it was from. Possibly an airport, except we were all outside standing in a line. Like some converted small town main street. I found a bank deposit bag full of something. I tried to hand it to someone who worked there, and he pushed it back. He thought I was trying to shove more work on him. When I finally got to the counter, the lady was very happy to see it and told me I would get a reward amounting to 18% of whatever is in the bag. That turned out to be $500 exactly (even in my dreams, I can't do math).
The lesson, of course, is look in the bag before you turn it in.
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Yesterday, I asked...
15% said "libido"
- Maybe. I don't get nap boners. You?
14% said "energy"
- I don't think they needed to do a study to figure that one out.
No one said "drooling"
71% got it right with "memory"
According to The Huffington Post, "Not only do we need to remember to sleep, but most certainly we sleep to remember," is how Dr. William Fishbein, a cognitive neuroscientist at the City University of New York, put it at a meeting of the Society for Neuroscience last week.
Particularly important is "slow-wave sleep," a period of very deep sleep that comes earlier than better-known REM sleep, or dreaming time.
...that there's something off in America about work and holidays. I no longer look at the holidays as a time for reflection and spiritual fine-tuning. It is time off. A chance to get caught up on that thing I've been writing and cleaning the bath tub. Or, more likely, get caught up on the shows on my DVR or in my Netflix queue.
...that president-elect Obama has already had more press conferences before taking office than Bush has had in eight years. This is a different kind of president and it's going to make the status quo deregulation corporate tool morons who are happy with our ship heading towards an iceberg very unhappy. Of course, thanks to the status quo deregulation corporate tool morons, that ice berg will probably melt by the time we get there.
...that I am strangely unaffected by the current economy. I'm paying my bills. Barely covering my ass. Just like always. All the news programs are recommending ways to tighten our belts. Hey, elite media! Stop flaunting your high falutin' belts in my face. Let me know when you have something to say that we, the beltless of America, can relate to!
$500 REWARD
So, I got a reward for $500. In my dreams. Not sure who it was from. Possibly an airport, except we were all outside standing in a line. Like some converted small town main street. I found a bank deposit bag full of something. I tried to hand it to someone who worked there, and he pushed it back. He thought I was trying to shove more work on him. When I finally got to the counter, the lady was very happy to see it and told me I would get a reward amounting to 18% of whatever is in the bag. That turned out to be $500 exactly (even in my dreams, I can't do math).
The lesson, of course, is look in the bag before you turn it in.
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Yesterday, I asked...
"According to a study done by the City University of New York, napping can boost your what?"
15% said "libido"
- Maybe. I don't get nap boners. You?
14% said "energy"
- I don't think they needed to do a study to figure that one out.
No one said "drooling"
71% got it right with "memory"
According to The Huffington Post, "Not only do we need to remember to sleep, but most certainly we sleep to remember," is how Dr. William Fishbein, a cognitive neuroscientist at the City University of New York, put it at a meeting of the Society for Neuroscience last week.
Particularly important is "slow-wave sleep," a period of very deep sleep that comes earlier than better-known REM sleep, or dreaming time.
Fishbein suspected a more active role for the slow-wave sleep that can emerge even in a power nap. Maybe our brains keep working during that time to solve problems and come up with new ideas. So he and graduate student Hiuyan Lau devised a simple test: documenting relational memory, where the brain puts together separately learned facts in new ways.
First, they taught 20 English-speaking college students lists of Chinese words spelled with two characters _ such as sister, mother, maid. Then half the students took a nap, being monitored to be sure they didn't move from slow-wave sleep into the REM stage.
Upon awakening, they took a multiple-choice test of Chinese words they'd never seen before. The nappers did much better at automatically learning that the first of the two-pair characters in the words they'd memorized earlier always meant the same thing _ female, for example. So they also were more likely than non-nappers to choose that a new word containing that character meant "princess" and not "ape."
So, there you go. When you see me hunched over my backpack on the El train, I'm working on my next blog post. Shove off.
Wednesday, November 19, 2008
I Believe...
...in The Peter Principle that people rise to their level of incompetence. They are promoted up until they reach a level they are unqualified for, but are kept there because going back down the corporate ladder would be an embarrassment. That explains Bush's trajectory. I'm hoping there's a better position for Obama to achieve after executive-in-chief.
...that if you really want to make people uncomfortable over the holidays, arrange the living room furniture in the home your family is gathering in so that instead of orienting towards the television, all the chairs and sofas face one another.
...that Johnny Depp is solely responsible for the resurgence of piracy on the high seas.
CHENEY INDICTED FOR ORGANIZED CRIME
It's a start! Let's hope we see more so rich, white guys think they can just buy or bully their way out of breaking the law. Read more HERE.
STAR TREK BABIES
Here's a link to an article with a lot of pictures and the new trailer. It looks pretty damn good. Love how the trailer opens. CLICK HERE!
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Yesterday, I wrote...
55% said "connect with animals"
- You're confusing him with Lord Doolittle.
11% said "talk to God"
- Nope. Our American politicians that have that exclusive pipeline. If it's another country, they're talking to some other inferior god.
No one said "knot cherry stems with his tongue"
34% got it right with "predict the future"
According to The Daily Mail, the Government's new science minister has raised eyebrows after he says he believes he has a 'sixth sense' to predict the future, it was revealed today.Lord Drayson said he was one of the humans with a 'capability' that experts did not fully understand.
His "shining" allows him to predict many future events, except those that involve opening himself up for ridicule.
...that if you really want to make people uncomfortable over the holidays, arrange the living room furniture in the home your family is gathering in so that instead of orienting towards the television, all the chairs and sofas face one another.
...that Johnny Depp is solely responsible for the resurgence of piracy on the high seas.
CHENEY INDICTED FOR ORGANIZED CRIME
"Cheney is charged with engaging in an organized criminal activity related to the vice president's investment in the Vanguard Group, which holds financial interests in the private prison companies running the federal detention centers. It accuses Cheney of a conflict of interest and "at least misdemeanor assaults" on detainees because of his link to the prison companies."
It's a start! Let's hope we see more so rich, white guys think they can just buy or bully their way out of breaking the law. Read more HERE.
STAR TREK BABIES
Here's a link to an article with a lot of pictures and the new trailer. It looks pretty damn good. Love how the trailer opens. CLICK HERE!
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Yesterday, I wrote...
"Lord Drayson, the UK's new science minister, claims he has a special ability to do what?"
55% said "connect with animals"
- You're confusing him with Lord Doolittle.
11% said "talk to God"
- Nope. Our American politicians that have that exclusive pipeline. If it's another country, they're talking to some other inferior god.
No one said "knot cherry stems with his tongue"
34% got it right with "predict the future"
According to The Daily Mail, the Government's new science minister has raised eyebrows after he says he believes he has a 'sixth sense' to predict the future, it was revealed today.Lord Drayson said he was one of the humans with a 'capability' that experts did not fully understand.
His "shining" allows him to predict many future events, except those that involve opening himself up for ridicule.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
I Believe...
- we already have the technology to significantly reduce oil dependence. We have electric cars and wind and solar power have already proven their effectiveness. If the government would spend less money on wars and handing out golden parachutes to the CEO club and put it towards making alternative energy affordable, we could be off Mideast oil tomorrow.
- that while John, Paul and George may have been prolific musical geniuses (and, yes, I mean "been," even though Macca is still with us), Ringo was and is more fun. I always root for Ringo.
- the Democrats do have a hand in what's happened on Wall Street, if only because they let it happen. But what I find interesting is that the Republican response is to blame someone else. It would be nice if they didn't use words like "responsibility" and "accountability" as campaign buzz words and things they need to hold other people to. I want politicians who hold themselves responsible and accountable.
- I'm tired of people calling Sarah Palin a liar for her Bridge to Nowhere response to congress of "Thanks, but no thanks." It is exactly what she said. She said "thanks" for the free 230 million dollars in earmarks and "no thanks" to giving it back.
- getting your picture taken with Henry Kissinger doesn't give you foreign policy cred.
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Yesterday, I asked...
36% said "selling"
- It was the Maxwell Street of its time...bratwursts (100% pure goat), bootleg designer tunics and entertaining human sacrifices.
36% said "voting"
- Those arches are the world's first voting booths.
No one said "resting"
- They're right. No toilets, no vending machines, no resting!
27% said "healing"
According to The Associated Press, the first excavation of Stonehenge in more than 40 years has uncovered evidence that the stone circle drew ailing pilgrims from around Europe for what they believed to be its healing properties, archaeologists said Monday.
People stopped coming when it was almost trampled by a midget.
- that while John, Paul and George may have been prolific musical geniuses (and, yes, I mean "been," even though Macca is still with us), Ringo was and is more fun. I always root for Ringo.
- the Democrats do have a hand in what's happened on Wall Street, if only because they let it happen. But what I find interesting is that the Republican response is to blame someone else. It would be nice if they didn't use words like "responsibility" and "accountability" as campaign buzz words and things they need to hold other people to. I want politicians who hold themselves responsible and accountable.
- I'm tired of people calling Sarah Palin a liar for her Bridge to Nowhere response to congress of "Thanks, but no thanks." It is exactly what she said. She said "thanks" for the free 230 million dollars in earmarks and "no thanks" to giving it back.
- getting your picture taken with Henry Kissinger doesn't give you foreign policy cred.
THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY
Yesterday, I asked...
"Archaeologists now believe Stonehenge may have been a place for what?"
36% said "selling"
- It was the Maxwell Street of its time...bratwursts (100% pure goat), bootleg designer tunics and entertaining human sacrifices.
36% said "voting"
- Those arches are the world's first voting booths.
No one said "resting"
- They're right. No toilets, no vending machines, no resting!
27% said "healing"
According to The Associated Press, the first excavation of Stonehenge in more than 40 years has uncovered evidence that the stone circle drew ailing pilgrims from around Europe for what they believed to be its healing properties, archaeologists said Monday.
People stopped coming when it was almost trampled by a midget.
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