Written by Joe Janes
5/2/09
104 of 365
CAST:
William, 30s
Ray, 30s
Robert, 30s
(Lights up on William angrily entering and opening up his locker in the men’s locker room of a health club. He is coming from the shower. Ray follows, looking regretful. He, too, is coming from the shower. His locker is not far from William’s. The men are drying off and changing into their office attire.)
WILLIAM
I can’t believe you did that.RAY
I’m sorry. I didn’t even realize I was doing it.WILLIAM
You just don’t do that in the showers, Ray. It’s creepy and its weird.RAY
I didn’t mean anything by it. Really, William, I didn’t.WILLIAM
You were staring at my dick.RAY
Yeah. I know. I realized I never got a good look at one before. My own, sure, but that’s always an aerial view. I was just curious.WILLIAM
If you’re gay, just tell me.RAY
I’m not gay. I just wanted to check it out. To compare. I see guys in porn videos, but man, who can measure up to that? Those guys’s are in it for a reason.WILLIAM
You’re not gay, but you watch gay porn?RAY
No, man. Uh, hetero porn. Guys with girls. And never more than one guy. (Robert enters.)
ROBERT
I prefer girl-on-girl action. It’s like a two-fer. What? We’re talking porn, right?(Robert takes a locker and begins to change out of his business clothes into workout clothes.)
RAY
Most guys are in to that, but not me. When I see two girls going at it, it just makes me feel so unnecessary. If I see a guy in there, it gives me hope. That could be me. WILLIAM
Can we change the subject? I feel strange talking about this while we’re all in various states of undress.ROBERT
How’d you guy’s get on the subject, any way?WILLIAM
Why don’t you tell him, Ray?RAY
Robert, William is mad at me because, in the shower, he caught me staring at his weenus.ROBERT
Maybe you shouldn’t call it a weenus. Staring because its impressive or staring because its freakish – or both?RAY
Neither, really. Pretty average, as far as I can tell. That’s why I was looking. I wanted to see how mine compared to someone else’s. WILLIAM
Average? My penis is spectacular. Ask my wife. ROBERT
Your wife is bias and probably lying. Let’s take a look.WILLIAM
What? No way. We’re in the middle of a locker room.ROBERT
So, what? Guys walk around here naked all the time. Just pretend you’re that old guy with the age spots on his wrinkly butt.RAY
I’d like to see it, again. It was all wet before. WILLIAM
Fine, here’s my penis.(William opens his towel and shows them. They look.)
ROBERT
I’ve seen better. You’re right, Ray. Nothing to write home about. WILLIAM
Nothing to write home about. Let’s see yours, Ray. Let’s see if Robert wants to write his mother about your junk.(Ray opens his towel for them to see.)
ROBERT
His is bigger.WILLIAM
What do you mean his is bigger?ROBERT
Oh, yeah. Clearly. Don’t get me wrong, yours is adequate. I’m sure it gets the job done. Ray here has a slight advantage in the length and girth department.WILLIAM
Girth?ROBERT
Yeah, man. It’s like a pineapple. WILLIAM
Let’s see yours, then. If you’re going to pass judgment on ours, I want to see yours. ROBERT
No problemo. (Robert opens up his sweat pants and shows them. They are stunned.)
RAY
Wow. That’s really impressive. Is it real?WILLIAM
It…hooks.RAY
It’s like a question mark.WILLIAM
I need to sit down.RAY
Ladies must really like that.ROBERT
No complaints. Except that I’m only one man.WILLIAM (touching his eyes)
I’m crying.ROBERT
Boys, penises are like snowflakes. They’re all different. They come in all shapes and sizes. You got what you got. Some of us are blessed with a little extra novelty in our shorts; others carry on the normal gene. Somebody has to. Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s off to the racquetball court.RAY
Hey, you forgot your paddle.ROBERT (winking)
Don’t need it.(Blackout)
