Written by Joe Janes
104 of 365
(Lights up on William angrily entering and opening up his locker in the men’s locker room of a health club. He is coming from the shower. Ray follows, looking regretful. He, too, is coming from the shower. His locker is not far from William’s. The men are drying off and changing into their office attire.)
WILLIAMI can’t believe you did that.
RAYI’m sorry. I didn’t even realize I was doing it.
WILLIAMYou just don’t do that in the showers, Ray. It’s creepy and its weird.
RAYI didn’t mean anything by it. Really, William, I didn’t.
WILLIAMYou were staring at my dick.
RAYYeah. I know. I realized I never got a good look at one before. My own, sure, but that’s always an aerial view. I was just curious.
WILLIAMIf you’re gay, just tell me.
RAYI’m not gay. I just wanted to check it out. To compare. I see guys in porn videos, but man, who can measure up to that? Those guys’s are in it for a reason.
WILLIAMYou’re not gay, but you watch gay porn?
RAYNo, man. Uh, hetero porn. Guys with girls. And never more than one guy.
ROBERTI prefer girl-on-girl action. It’s like a two-fer. What? We’re talking porn, right?
(Robert takes a locker and begins to change out of his business clothes into workout clothes.)
RAYMost guys are in to that, but not me. When I see two girls going at it, it just makes me feel so unnecessary. If I see a guy in there, it gives me hope. That could be me.
WILLIAMCan we change the subject? I feel strange talking about this while we’re all in various states of undress.
ROBERTHow’d you guy’s get on the subject, any way?
WILLIAMWhy don’t you tell him, Ray?
RAYRobert, William is mad at me because, in the shower, he caught me staring at his weenus.
ROBERTMaybe you shouldn’t call it a weenus. Staring because its impressive or staring because its freakish – or both?
RAYNeither, really. Pretty average, as far as I can tell. That’s why I was looking. I wanted to see how mine compared to someone else’s.
WILLIAMAverage? My penis is spectacular. Ask my wife.
ROBERTYour wife is bias and probably lying. Let’s take a look.
WILLIAMWhat? No way. We’re in the middle of a locker room.
ROBERTSo, what? Guys walk around here naked all the time. Just pretend you’re that old guy with the age spots on his wrinkly butt.
RAYI’d like to see it, again. It was all wet before.
WILLIAMFine, here’s my penis.
(William opens his towel and shows them. They look.)
ROBERTI’ve seen better. You’re right, Ray. Nothing to write home about.
WILLIAMNothing to write home about. Let’s see yours, Ray. Let’s see if Robert wants to write his mother about your junk.
(Ray opens his towel for them to see.)
ROBERTHis is bigger.
WILLIAMWhat do you mean his is bigger?
ROBERTOh, yeah. Clearly. Don’t get me wrong, yours is adequate. I’m sure it gets the job done. Ray here has a slight advantage in the length and girth department.
ROBERTYeah, man. It’s like a pineapple.
WILLIAMLet’s see yours, then. If you’re going to pass judgment on ours, I want to see yours.
(Robert opens up his sweat pants and shows them. They are stunned.)
RAYWow. That’s really impressive. Is it real?
RAYIt’s like a question mark.
WILLIAMI need to sit down.
RAYLadies must really like that.
ROBERTNo complaints. Except that I’m only one man.
WILLIAM (touching his eyes)I’m crying.
ROBERTBoys, penises are like snowflakes. They’re all different. They come in all shapes and sizes. You got what you got. Some of us are blessed with a little extra novelty in our shorts; others carry on the normal gene. Somebody has to. Now, if you’ll excuse me, it’s off to the racquetball court.
RAYHey, you forgot your paddle.
ROBERT (winking)Don’t need it.