“The Unicorn and The Vengeance” Written by Joe Janes
8/21/09
215 of 365
CAST
DeFarge, 60s
Jacques Three, 20s
The Vengeance, 20s
Jacques Two, 20s
(Lights up on Madame DeFarge sitting in her rocking chair kitting with gnarled fingers and smoking a pipe. Jacques Three is behind the bar pouring himself a mug of wine.)
DEFARGE
Don’t drink all the wine, Jacques Three.
JACQUES
I shall only drink what will fit in my belly, Madame DeFarge. The rest may stay in the barrel.
DEFARGE
You are no good to us drunk. We may need you to run errands.
JACQUES
I run better on wine.
(The Vengeance enters out of breath. She is a small woman with an eye patch.)
VENGEANCE
Madame DeFarge.
DEFARGE
The Vengeance. We nearly gave up hope of your return.
VENGEANCE
I travelled along the shadows. That takes longer.
JACQUES
Wine?
VENGEANCE
Don’t mind if I do.
(She swipes his mug from his hand and drinks with great thirst.)
DEFARGE
The king has been busy.
VENGEANCE
He has. And he is about to levy a new tax on the poor to pay for the extravagances of the rich. He shall announce it tomorrow from his balcony.
JACQUES
It is time to let his royal blood pour from that balcony!
DEFARGE
Calm down Jacques Three. Jacques Two thought the same thing.
VENGEANCE
As did Jacques One.
DEFARGE
We must not be hasty.
JACQUES
What should prevent me from walking right up to him with my unicorn and slitting his throat?
VENGEANCE
Your unicorn?
DEFARGE
His knife.
JACQUES (taking out his knife)
The infidel shall kneel before my unicorn.
VENGEANCE
You may wish to give it another name.
JACQUES
I think not. It is sharp. It is pointed. It is singular. It has the thrusting power of a horse behind it. (He pats his arm.)
VENGEANCE
And he will double over with laughter before he has the chance to double over in pain from its “thrust.” I prefer the quick and mighty speed of my pistol. Named for the sound of thunder. I call it The Clap.
DEFARGE
The clap?
VENGEANCE
Like a clap of thunder. Boom!
JACQUES
I would rather give a man my unicorn than the clap.
(She looks puzzled.)
DEFARGE
It’s a venereal disease.
VENGEANCE
I would rather give the king a burning sensation than a pony.
DEFARGE
You both have mighty weapons, just don’t talk about them just before using them.
JACQUES
My unicorn would stop his tongue (He makes a slashing motion across his throat) and then my “pony” would drink from his bubbling red stream.
VENGEANCE
My clap would explode in his chest and spread throughout his body till his blood dripped out in painful fits and starts.
(Jacques Two enters.)
JACQUES TWO
Still plotting the death of our highness?
DEFARGE
Jacques Two!
JACQUES
We thought you were dead.
VENGEANCE
I saw your body fall.
JACQUES TWO
I did come upon the king in a royal procession through the village square. I did sneak through the crowd and stealthily slip down through the roof of his carriage. Face to face with the king, I whipped out my pee-pee.
JACQUES
Your sword?
VENGEANCE
Your gun?
JACQUES TWO
My…pee-pee. I wanted to show the king that he was no better than any other man. That if you strip away our clothes, we are all the same and should be treated equally. Perhaps I should have not had my fill of wine beforehand.
(DeFarge looks at Jacques Three who hangs his head.)
DEFARGE
And how did the king respond?
JACQUES TWO
He showed me his pee-pee. The royal pee-pee. It…. was quite impressive. Much like a young man’s forearm. With a grip. Without saying a word, I lost my argument. I threw myself from his carriage in humiliation and my head struck a rock along the street. I lay unconscious for a few minutes, but did not get up for several days. I was deeply embarrassed.
JACQUES
You had an opportunity to kill the king and you did not take it? You coward!
JACQUES TWO
Until you have seen the royal unit right in front of your face, you cannot speak to me about cowardice. Twas not cowardice. It was reverence to all that is holy.
JACQUES
Your impotence shall answer to my unicorn. (Jacques Three comes at Jacques Two with his knife.)
VENGEANCE
Not before I give you the clap! (Vengeance aims her pistol at Jacques from behind. Jacques Two looks at her, then back at Jacques Two, he breaks out laughing. He quickly doubles over. Jacques Two stabs Vengeance as she shoots Jacques Two. They fall. Jacques Two looks at the carnage. DeFarge continues knitting.)
DEFARGE
I told them not to talk about their weapons before using them.
(DeFarge whips a knitting needle at Jacques Two who is hit in the chest and falls to the ground. DeFarge takes another needle out of her bag and resumes knitting, barely missing a beat.)
DEFARGE (continuing)
Like that. Where am I going to find a Jacques Four?
(She keeps knitting. Lights fade.)
