Friday, November 27, 2009

Week 45, Day 313 - "Digger"

“Digger”

Written by Joe Janes

11/27/09

313 of 365

Cast:

Peter, 30s

Neil, 30s

Rodney, 30s

Monique, 30

(Lights up on Peter being shoved forward by Neil and Rodney. Rodney has a gun pulled.)

PETER

All right. No need to get rough, fellas.

RODNEY

Pick up the shovel, Peter.

(Peter does so.)

PETER

One shovel against two guns, not a very fair fight.

RODNEY

Harr-harr. Start digging.

(Peter starts digging, slowly.)

PETER

I thought you guys liked me.

RODNEY

Less talking, more digging.

NEIL

I like you.

PETER

Thanks, Neil. I like you, too.

(Peter looks at Rodney.)

PETER (continuing)

Well, Rodney?

RODNEY

Well, what?

PETER

Don’t you like me, too?

RODNEY

Yeah. I’m freakin’ in love. Dig faster or we’ll be here all night.

PETER

Seems a shame to throw our friendship away like this. All over a woman.

RODNEY

A woman who happens to be the boss’s mistress.

NEIL

What were you thinking, Peter?

PETER

I was thinking I’d get me some off Monique. Didn’t think I’d get caught.

RODENY

Shouldn’t be thinking with your dick.

PETER

And what do you think with, Rodney?

RODNEY

My gun.

NEIL

I try not to think. I just do what I’m told.

PETER

You know, when I’m done, you’re just going to shoot me.

RODENY

Hey, looks like you’ve learned to think with your brain.

(Peter puts the shovel down.)

PETER

What happens if I just stop shoveling?

RODNEY

Then I shoot you and Neil digs your grave.

NEIL

Oh, sheesh, Rodney. Come on. You know I’ve got carpel tunnel issues.

RODNEY

Well, I can’t do it. I’m holding the gun.

NEIL

That makes sense.

PETER (to Rodney)

Nice. You know, Rodney. You could stand to lose a few pounds. Digging a hole would be good exercise for you.

RODNEY

Don’t you worry about my physique. Worry about your own.

PETER

You’re going to put a hole in me whether I dig or not. Getting in a little exercise before I go doesn’t help me much.

RODNEY

Maybe not. But it does add a few precious minutes to your stinking, rotten life.

PETER

That is does.

(He starts digging, again.)

NEIL

Hey, Peter. Remember that time we all knocked over that liquor store?

PETER

And all we took was a case of sambucco. That was one fucked up night of hollering at the moon.

RODNEY

I don’t remember that.

PETER

Sure you do.

NEIL

No, wait. He wasn’t there.

PETER

Where was he?

NEIL

Where were you?

RODNEY

How the hell should I know? When was it?

NEIL

When was it?

PETER

It was cold as balls out. I remember that. All I had on was a sport coat.

NEIL

Yeah. And we drank it back of the pawnshop.

PETER

Martin Luther King Day. That’s when it was.

NEIL

How do you know that?

PETER

Because I knew it was a holiday, but I still thought the mail came. I was expecting some chocolate I mail-ordered from Belgium for Derek’s birthday.

NEIL

Mail don’t come on a federal holiday.

RODNEY

Martin Luther King Day ain’t a federal holiday.

PETER

Apparently it is, because I didn’t get any mail that day and neither did my neighbors.

RODNEY

Maybe your mailman sucks.

NEIL

No. It’s a federal holiday. I looked it up. No mail, no banks. All closed.

PETER

Good thing the liquor stores were open. (He digs some more in silence) So, where were you Rodney?

NEIL

Yeah. Where were you? Were you celebrating Martin Luther King Day?

RODNEY

No, I wasn’t celebrating Martin Luther King Day. If Derek’s birthday was on the same day, I was taking care of Monique while Derek had a party with is family.

PETER

Taking care of Monique like I took care of Monique?

RODNEY

Our evening was strictly professional.

NEIL

You paid her for it?

RODNEY

No, I didn’t pay her for it.

PETER

Look me in the eye.

RODNEY

I ain’t looking you in the eye. I’m the guy with the gun, remember?

NEIL

Look me in the eye.

RODNEY

So Peter can whack me in the head with a shovel? No thanks. You guys will just have to take my word for it. Unlike our friend in the hole, I can control my animal urges and respect the boss’s property.

PETER

She ain’t a golf club or a TV set. She’s a human.

RODENY

A human currently being leased by Derek. Stop digging. That’s enough.

PETER

Little shallow, don’t you think?

RODNEY

How appropriate. (Rodney raises his gun to shoot. We hear a gun shot. Rodney falls forward into the hole.) What the hell?

(Monique enters with a gun.)

MONIQUE

Oh, Peter!

PETER

Monique! (They embrace.) How did you know where I was?

MONIQUE

Neil told me.

PETER

You did that for me, Neil?

MONIQUE

Actually, he did it for me.

NEIL

Hey. No reason you two assholes should be the only ones getting’ any off Monique.

(Blackout.)