Written by Joe Janes
11/27/09
313 of 365
Cast:
Peter, 30s
Neil, 30s
Rodney, 30s
Monique, 30
(Lights up on Peter being shoved forward by Neil and Rodney. Rodney has a gun pulled.)
PETER
All right. No need to get rough, fellas.
RODNEY
Pick up the shovel, Peter.
(Peter does so.)
PETER
One shovel against two guns, not a very fair fight.
RODNEY
Harr-harr. Start digging.
(Peter starts digging, slowly.)
PETER
I thought you guys liked me.
RODNEY
Less talking, more digging.
NEIL
I like you.
PETER
Thanks, Neil. I like you, too.
(Peter looks at Rodney.)
PETER (continuing)
Well, Rodney?
RODNEY
Well, what?
PETER
Don’t you like me, too?
RODNEY
Yeah. I’m freakin’ in love. Dig faster or we’ll be here all night.
PETER
Seems a shame to throw our friendship away like this. All over a woman.
RODNEY
A woman who happens to be the boss’s mistress.
NEIL
What were you thinking, Peter?
PETER
I was thinking I’d get me some off Monique. Didn’t think I’d get caught.
RODENY
Shouldn’t be thinking with your dick.
PETER
And what do you think with, Rodney?
RODNEY
My gun.
NEIL
I try not to think. I just do what I’m told.
PETER
You know, when I’m done, you’re just going to shoot me.
RODENY
Hey, looks like you’ve learned to think with your brain.
(Peter puts the shovel down.)
PETER
What happens if I just stop shoveling?
RODNEY
Then I shoot you and Neil digs your grave.
NEIL
Oh, sheesh, Rodney. Come on. You know I’ve got carpel tunnel issues.
RODNEY
Well, I can’t do it. I’m holding the gun.
NEIL
That makes sense.
PETER (to Rodney)
Nice. You know, Rodney. You could stand to lose a few pounds. Digging a hole would be good exercise for you.
RODNEY
Don’t you worry about my physique. Worry about your own.
PETER
You’re going to put a hole in me whether I dig or not. Getting in a little exercise before I go doesn’t help me much.
RODNEY
Maybe not. But it does add a few precious minutes to your stinking, rotten life.
PETER
That is does.
(He starts digging, again.)
NEIL
Hey, Peter. Remember that time we all knocked over that liquor store?
PETER
And all we took was a case of sambucco. That was one fucked up night of hollering at the moon.
RODNEY
I don’t remember that.
PETER
Sure you do.
NEIL
No, wait. He wasn’t there.
PETER
Where was he?
NEIL
Where were you?
RODNEY
How the hell should I know? When was it?
NEIL
When was it?
PETER
It was cold as balls out. I remember that. All I had on was a sport coat.
NEIL
Yeah. And we drank it back of the pawnshop.
PETER
Martin Luther King Day. That’s when it was.
NEIL
How do you know that?
PETER
Because I knew it was a holiday, but I still thought the mail came. I was expecting some chocolate I mail-ordered from Belgium for Derek’s birthday.
NEIL
Mail don’t come on a federal holiday.
RODNEY
Martin Luther King Day ain’t a federal holiday.
PETER
Apparently it is, because I didn’t get any mail that day and neither did my neighbors.
RODNEY
Maybe your mailman sucks.
NEIL
No. It’s a federal holiday. I looked it up. No mail, no banks. All closed.
PETER
Good thing the liquor stores were open. (He digs some more in silence) So, where were you Rodney?
NEIL
Yeah. Where were you? Were you celebrating Martin Luther King Day?
RODNEY
No, I wasn’t celebrating Martin Luther King Day. If Derek’s birthday was on the same day, I was taking care of Monique while Derek had a party with is family.
PETER
Taking care of Monique like I took care of Monique?
RODNEY
Our evening was strictly professional.
NEIL
You paid her for it?
RODNEY
No, I didn’t pay her for it.
PETER
Look me in the eye.
RODNEY
I ain’t looking you in the eye. I’m the guy with the gun, remember?
NEIL
Look me in the eye.
RODNEY
So Peter can whack me in the head with a shovel? No thanks. You guys will just have to take my word for it. Unlike our friend in the hole, I can control my animal urges and respect the boss’s property.
PETER
She ain’t a golf club or a TV set. She’s a human.
RODENY
A human currently being leased by Derek. Stop digging. That’s enough.
PETER
Little shallow, don’t you think?
RODNEY
How appropriate. (Rodney raises his gun to shoot. We hear a gun shot. Rodney falls forward into the hole.) What the hell?
(Monique enters with a gun.)
MONIQUE
Oh, Peter!
PETER
Monique! (They embrace.) How did you know where I was?
MONIQUE
Neil told me.
PETER
You did that for me, Neil?
MONIQUE
Actually, he did it for me.
NEIL
Hey. No reason you two assholes should be the only ones getting’ any off Monique.
(Blackout.)
