Week 17, Day 116 - "Untucked"

“Untucked”
Written by Joe Janes
5/14/09
116 of 365

CAST
Denver, 30s
Seth, 30s
Ned, 30s
Marianne, 30s
Holly, 30s
Mary Jo, 30s

(Lights up on a small get together at Ned and Marianne’s. Ned is setting out some refreshments. Holly and Mary Jo are chatting in the corner. Marianne enters and heads towards Ned.)

MARIANNE

No sign of Denver.

NED

Look, I know he’s been through a rotten divorce, but your brother’s not the kind to just sit in the parking lot and not come in to the party.

MARIANNE

Yes, he is. Who else is coming?

NED

Aside from Christine, I’m not really sure. I just did an e-mail blast at work. I didn’t ask for any RSVPs.

MARIANNE

Christine is my ringer. I told him there’d be lots of eligible ladies here.

NED

Well, you’ve got at least two, which it two more than he’s used to dealing with. Three if you include Seth in the bathroom. It’s been over six months. It’s time for him to get back on the horse.

MARIANNE

I know. He’s just so sensitive.

(The doorbell rings.)

NED

I bet that’s him, now.

(Marianne opens the door. Denver enters. He wears a sharp, striped shirt, untucked, nice jeans, black and white Chuck Taylor’s, a choker and has some gel in his hair. He carries a bottle of wine.)

MARIANNE

Denver!

DENVER

Hi.

MARIANNE

You look great. Look at you. Ned, come here. Look at Denver.

NED

Styling, dude.

MARIANNE

You’ve got stuff in your hair and a thing around your neck.

DENVER

It’s not too much, is it?

MARIANNE

Denver, you look very handsome. The ladies are going to be falling all over you. What’s that …? Cologne?

DENVER

Axe. I’m wearing Axe.

NED

That smells familiar.

MARIANNE

And you brought wine. My brother brought some wine, Holly and Mary Jo.

DENVER

Hi. I’m Denver. (To Mary) Is Christine here, yet?

MARIANNE

Not yet. You are so going to love her.

NED (taking bottle)

Zinfandel. Good. I didn’t have Zinfandel. I’ll put it over here by Seth’s wine coolers.

(Mary Jo and Holly whisper and giggle to one another)

MARIANNE

I think they like what they see.

DENVER

You sure? I think they’re laughing at me.

MARIANNE

You have a lot to learn about women.

DENVER

My ex-wife would agree. Boy, that feels weird to say.

MARY JO

You look like someone, Denver.

DENVER

A celebrity?

HOLLY

In his own mind, maybe. A guy we work with.

(Seth enters. He is wearing the exact same outfit as Denver. Exactly.)

SETH

Oh, my God!

(Denver turns and sees Seth.)

MARIANNE

Oh, look at you two. Look at them, Ned.

NED

Adorable.

(Denver is speechless)

SETH

It’s like looking in a mirror.

MARY JO

Did you two call each other before coming to the party?

DENVER (defensive)

No. No, we didn’t. I don’t even know this man.

MARY JO

I was just kidding.

SETH

This is so crazy. I’ve never had this happen before. I mean, I’ve been to a few clubs where everyone was wearing leather pants, but that was more of an unspoken dress code. Are you wearing Axe or am I just getting a second whiff of my own bad self.

DENVER

Must be you.

NED

It’s you, Denver. I thought I smelled that earlier. You two are two smelly peas in a pod.

DENVER

No, we’re not.

SETH (holding out his hand to Denver)

I’m Seth. I’ll be your doppelganger for the evening.

DENVER

That’s nice. Look, I’m going to head home. I suddenly feel a very strong urge to change my clothes.

MARIANNE

Don’t go, Denver. I know you. You’ll go home and just stay home. So, you’re both wearing the same outfit. It happens to people.

DENVER

Not to guys.

HOLLY

I think it’s adorable.

DENVER

I don’t want it to be adorable. This is all new clothes. I picked them out because I thought it might make me look, you know, sexy.

SETH

It does.

DENVER

To women.

SETH

Sexy is sexy.

(The doorbell rings.)

DENVER

We can’t spend the evening both looking like this. I’m meeting someone. One of us has to do something. Tuck in your shirt.

NED

That’s probably Christine. I’ll get it.

SETH

I’m not going to tuck in my shirt. That looks gay.

(As Ned and Marianne get the door to let Christine in, Denver tries to get Seth to distinguish his outfit. They fight over who should tuck in his shirt and button up more. It turns in to a low-key wrestling match, one that Seth is not adverse to.)

NED

Christine!

MARIANNE

Oh, my, you look just lovely.

CHRISTINE

Thanks. Sorry I’m late. I’m a little nervous to meet your brother.

MARIANNE

He’s been so cute. He’s nervous, too. Let me –

(They all turn and notice Seth and Denver wrestling with Denver trying to tuck in Seth’s shirt. They stop and look at Christine.)

DENVER

Hi. I’m Denver.

SETH

I’m Seth.

DENVER

Shut up.

SETH

You shut up.

CHRISTINE

You guys look adorable.

SETH

Thank you.

CHRISTINE

Are you guys twins or something?

DENVER

No. Tuck in your shirt!

SETH

I was wearing this outfit first. You tuck in your shirt.

DENVER

I can’t. I didn’t wear a belt and I have a muffin top.

SETH

Too bad.

(He pulls Seth’s hair.)

DENVER

I’m the one trying to desperately hook up with a girl.

SETH

I don’t think you’re scoring any points here.

(Seth racks Denver in the balls. Denver drops in agony.)

CHRISTINE

You poor man. (She helps Seth up.) Sorry, Marianne, but your brother has some issues he needs to work out. Let me get you some Zinfandel.

(Christine walks Seth over to the wine table.)

MARIANNE

I’ll go get you some ice.

NED

I’ll go with you. I’m getting sympathy pains.

(They exit.)

DENVER

I never had anything like this happen before. This ever happen to women?

MARY JO

Oh, sure.

HOLLY

All the time. Happened to us once at a Single Mingle.We both wore the same red dress.

DENVER

What did you do?

MARY JO

Same thing you did.

HOLLY

Punched her right in the nut sack.

(Mary Jo nods. Lights fade.)

Week 17, Day 113 - "Prom Night"

“Prom Night”
Written by Joe Janes
5/12/09
113 of 365

CAST:
Janet, 40s
Monty, 40s
Julie, 17
Dante, 17

(Lights up on Janet and Monty in the living room of their home. Monty is reading the newspaper. Janet is knitting. The doorbell rings.)

JANET (getting up)

I’ll bet that’s Dante. Julie, he’s here!

MONTY (getting up)

I’ll grab the door.

JULIE (off)

I’ll be down in a second, Mom.

MONTY (opening door)

Hey, there, Dante. Come on in.

(Dante enters wearing a tuxedo and carrying a corsage.)

DANTE

Thanks, Mr. Boone.

MONTY

Call me Monty.

DANTE

Okay.

JANET

Look at you. Such a handsome young man, Dante. Oh, I’ll go get the camera.

(She exits)

MONTY

Excited about tonight, Dante?

DANTE

Yes, Monty.

MONTY

I’ll bet you are. Listen, I want to make sure you treat my daughter-

DANTE

Oh, rest assured, Mister- Monty, I’ll be treating your daughter Julie like a perfect gentleman.

MONTY

Oh, I’m sure you will. You’re a good kid, Dante. Soon to be a man, right?

DANTE

Sure.

MONTY (takes out his wallet)

Listen, Dante, I want to make sure you treat my daughter to a nice hotel. You hear? A nice one. This should cover the cost of a nice room at the Marriott.

(He hands Dante a hundred dollar bill.)

DANTE

Um. Wow. We weren’t planning on getting a hotel room.

MONTY

I know, I know. Some after prom thing in the Fleming’s rec room basement. Dante, Julie is a special girl. She’s my princess. She doesn’t deserve to be finger banged in a beanbag chair under a black light and black velvet leopard poster. You’re going to nail her in a good and proper fashion. We clear?

JANET (entering)

Here’s the camera!

MONTY

We’re clear?

(Dante gulps and nods.)

DANTE

Yes, sir. I will do my best.

JANET

Oh, and here comes the prom queen.

(Julie enters in a tasteful prom dress.)

JULIE

I’m not the queen, Mom. Just a prom peasant, right now.

JANET

Well, you look like a queen to me.

MONTY

Me, too.

JULIE

Hi, Dante.

DANTE

Hi, Julie. You look beautiful.

JULIE

Thanks.

JANET

Oh, my God, I’m going to explode if I don’t take your picture. Get together, get together.

(They do and they pose for a picture.)

DANTE

We should probably get going.

JANET

Oh, wait. Just a moment. I have something for you Julie.

(She exits.)

MONTY

You kids have a great time. A great time. Dante, if I don’t see a smile on my daughter’s face for the next month, we’re going to have words.

(They all laugh.)

MONTY

I’m serious.

JANET (entering carrying a small tote bag)

Here, here. It’s a little “kit” I made for after the prom.

JULIE (looking in bag)

Wine, mom? You got us wine?

JANET

Shhhh, that’s just for the two of you.

JULIE

And condoms?

MONTY

That’s just for the two of you, too.

JANET

But there are extras if you need them.

MONTY

Ah, hell. The more the merrier, right?

JULIE

I feel so lucky to have parents like you.

DANTE

I feel lucky… too.

JANET

And take the camera. I want lots of pictures.

MONTY

Of everything. Everything. Bring back some action shots.

DANTE

Okay, well, I guess we should be going, now.

JULIE

Bye mom and dad. And thanks.

(They exit.)

MONTY (yelling out the door)

Remember Dante. Be a gentleman. Make sure the girl gets off first, then you. Follow that guideline and no woman will ever complain about how you are in the sack. Right, Mom?

JANET

It’s true! (Beat) They grow up so fast.

MONTY

Hey, looks like we have the house to ourselves.

JULIE

I’ll get the black light, you get the beanbag chair.

MONTY

Hot dog!

(Blackout)

Week 15, Day 102 - "Truckin'"

“Truckin’”
Written by Joe Janes
4/30/09
102 of 365

CAST
Debra, 40s
Sean, 40s

(Lights up on Sean and Debra riding in the cab of a semi-truck. Sean is driving.)

DEBRA

So, Sean…

SEAN

Yeah?

DEBRA

That little restaurant was nice.

SEAN

You mean that big restaurant was nice.

DEBRA

I did. I did. Who doesn’t enjoy an all-you-can-eat buffet?

SEAN

And did you?

DEBRA

Get all I can eat? Yep. I believe I did.

SEAN

Thanks for meeting me there. I’m sorry I wasn’t able to meet you at the airport. They’re a little weird about me pulling up to the pick-up area in this thing.

DEBRA

You’re truck is huge.

SEAN

Thank you.

DEBRA

You drive this thing everywhere?

SEAN

Everywhere except the airport. And anywhere there’s an overpass with less than fifteen feet clearance.

DEBRA

Even to work?

SEAN

Everywhere.

DEBRA

I never dated anyone who had a truck, before.

SEAN

Good. That means I’m unique. Why don’t you walk on over here and sit closer?

DEBRA

Sit closer where?

SEAN (reaches back and pulls out a milk crate and sets it next to him)

Here you go. Sit right here. (She does.) Better, isn’t it?

DEBRA

I don’t feel as safe.

SEAN

You’re plenty safe. This is a big ass truck. Nothing safer. Um, hold on to my seatbelt.

DEBRA (she does)

I think I’d feel-

SEAN

Here. Let me pull over. (He does. We hear air brakes and gears shifting and grinding as he comes to a stop.) That better?

DEBRA

Yeah. That’s better. Thanks.

SEAN

Pretty night. You get a good view up this high.

DEBRA

Uh-hunh. Sean. Can I say something?

SEAN

Sure, Debra.

DEBRA

It’s nice to meet you in person after weeks on-line.

SEAN

Ditto.

DEBRA

You’re not exactly what I expected.

SEAN

Really? You’re exactly what I thought you’d be. Maybe prettier, though. (He winks.)

DEBRA

I thought you worked in the import industry.

SEAN

Oh, I see. Yes, I did. But I don’t anymore. I went into business for myself.

DEBRA

Recently?

SEAN

Just last week.

DEBRA

I see.

SEAN

I transitioned from buying and selling to distribution.

DEBRA

This truck isn’t just for fun, then.

SEAN

Oh, it is. It’s a helluva lot of fun. But, yeah, it’s also where I work. I’ve always wanted to drive a truck, so, hey, I’m following my dream. Seize the day! That sort of thing.

DEBRA

Well, that’s a good thing, I guess.

SEAN

Getting laid off helped me make the decision.

DEBRA

Hmm.

SEAN

Best thing that ever happened to me. Really, really. Took all my credit cards and bought this sweet rig.

DEBRA

How about we get out of your workplace go back to your home? Give me a tour of your house. Relax with some wine.

SEAN

Okay. (He stands, takes her hand, and takes a step back from the chairs.) Welcome to my humble abode.

DEBRA

You live in a truck.

SEAN

Oh, it’s made for it. That shelf pulls down into a bed. And, if you still want some wine, there’s some Thunderbird and paper cups in that cubbyhole.

DEBRA

I thought you owned a townhouse.

SEAN

Owned is right. The bank owns it now. And good riddance. Nothing but a pain with all those bills and room.

DEBRA

Sean. I’m not sure about this. At all. I think you’re in a time of transition. You need to work things out.

SEAN

I see. You’ve already made a decision about me.

DEBRA

I’m here. I came all the way from Ohio to be with you for the whole weekend. We may as well make the best of it. (Picks up a coffee can.) Hey, I’ll make some coffee. Is there a foldout kitchen I’m not seeing?

SEAN

That’s where I poop.

DEBRA

Ew.

SEAN

Don’t open the lid.

(Blackout)

Week Five, Day Twenty-Nine - "Public Hair"

“Public Hair”
Written by Joe Janes
2/16/09
29 of 365


DEREK, 30s
MOLLY, 30s
BROOKE, 20s


(Lights up on Molly and Derek sitting in a small café. Derek holds up a glass of wine.)

DEREK

So far, so good.

MOLLY

So far, so good.

(They toast.)

DEREK

I know it’s only been two months, but I feel pretty good about this.

MOLLY

Me, too.

DEREK

Molly, you have been a very pleasant surprise in my life. I wasn’t looking and, poof, you show up. And it’s been great, hasn’t it?

MOLLY

Yes, it’s been great, Derek. Just great.

DEREK

No complaints?

MOLLY

Nope. None. I think everything’s going well.

DEREK

Me, too.

(Brooke enters with their salads.)

BROOKE

Two house salads. Can I bring you anything else?

DEREK

We’re celebrating our two-month anniversary.

BROOKE

You’ve been married two months?

MOLLY

No.

DEREK

Just dating, but who knows…

BROOKE

That’s nice.

DEREK

And neither of us have any complaints about the other.

BROOKE (nods)

Still nice.

(Awkward moment. She exits.)

DEREK

Molly, I know this sounds crazy, but I have to tell you. I feel like I may have found my soul mate.

MOLLY

Brooke, the waitress?

DEREK

No, Silly Bear. You. Don’t you feel the same way?

MOLLY

Soul mate? Yeah. Sure. Sure I do, soul mate.

(Derek touches and stops her forearm as she is in the middle of bringing a fork full of salad to her mouth)

DEREK

I want my brain to take a snapshot and remember this moment forever.

MOLLY

Che-e-e-e-se?

(Derek laughs.)

DEREK

Molly – I know we don’t have any complaints about one another, but let’s play a game. If you did have a complaint about me, what would it be?

MOLLY

Um, well, I don’t know. I’ll tell you what I hate.

DEREK

What?

MOLLY

This… salad. Look. There are so many greens in it, that I have to poke around to find anything else. Like, where’s the baby carrot? I can’t find the baby carrot. It’s like I’m trying to find buried treasure in a thick forest of green pubic hair. You know what I mean?

DEREK

Sure. I guess. I think the analogy broke down a bit, but sure.

MOLLY

Then you agree with my metaphor?

DEREK

Analogy. Yes. Sure. There’s too much pubic hair in my salad.

MOLLY

Then you’ll do something about it?

DEREK

You bet I will. Brooke?

MOLLY

What are you doing?

(Brooke enters.)

BROOKE

Yes?

DEREK

Brooke, our salads have too much pubic hair in them.

BROOKE

What? Are you serious?

MOLLY

No. No, no, Brooke. The salads are fine.

DEREK

Then what were you talking about?

MOLLY

Your pubic hair, Derek. Not the salad. I was using the salad as a metaphor.

DEREK

Analogy.

MOLLY

Whatever. You…You, Derek…Not the salad…have way too much pubic hair.

(Another awkward pause)

BROOKE

I’ll go check on your entrees.

(She exits.)

DEREK

What do you mean I have too much pubic hair? I have just as much as any other man.

MOLLY

That’s actually not true, Derek. Some guys do some “gardening” down there.

DEREK

You want me to shave my junk? Molly, I’m a little uncomfortable taking a blade to that area.

MOLLY

It doesn’t have to be shaving. Trimming. Clipping.

DEREK

I’ve never done that.

MOLLY

No kidding. You shed more than my cat.

DEREK

This really bothers you.

MOLLY

Yes, it does. You see how I keep my…salad.

DEREK

Yes. Very neatly cropped.

MOLLY

I just want some common courtesy.

DEREK

I don’t think I can do a landing strip.

MOLLY

Not asking for anything fancy, Derek. Just, you know, a haircut, but down there.

DEREK

And that’s your only complaint?

MOLLY

The only one.

DEREK

Swearsies?

MOLLY

Swearsies.

DEREK

Then, okay. I’ll do it. Next time you see my salad, you’ll be able to find my…Hey, was the baby carrot my penis?

MOLLY

Like you said, not a perfect analogy.

DEREK

Metaphor. Well, if that’s the only thing keeping us from being happy, I’m in, Silly Bear.

(Brooke enters with their entrees.)

BROOKE (Setting plate in front of Molly.)

Grilled Tuna with Shaved Parmesan. (Sets plate in front of Derek.) Black Forest Ham with Baby Carrots and Extra Chives. Can I get you anything else?

(They don’t answer. They just stare at their food. Awkward pause. Brooke exits.)

MOLLY

And don’t call me Silly Bear.

DEREK

But-

MOLLY

Do it, again, and I’ll stab you with my fork.

DEREK

Okee-dokee.

(They start to eat. Lights fade.)

Week Four, Day Twenty-Eight - "The Spy Who Dated Me"

“THE SPY WHO DATED ME”
Written by Joe Janes
2/15/09
27 of 365

CAST
Michael, mid-40’s
Tracy, mid 40’s
Ludwig, mid-40’s

(Lights up on Michael and Tracy at a café.)


TRACY
Well, this is nice. It’s refreshing to meet someone who actually looks like his photograph.

MICHAEL
Isn’t that the truth? I met someone last week that said she looks ten years younger than she is - probably because the pictures on her profile are from ten years ago.

TRACY
I think the most important quality in a relationship is honesty. And if you don’t have that at the start…

MICHAEL
Then you’re never going to have it.

TRACY
Well, once you catch someone in a lie, you’re always going to wonder if that person is telling the truth.

MICHAEL
I couldn’t agree with you more. Let’s make a deal. Tonight, we tell the absolute truth. No matter what. I can’t think of a better way to get to know someone.

TRACY
I accept. To honesty. (She raises her wine glass and they toast.)

MICHAEL
What do you do for a living?

TRACY
Oh, boring old job. I work at the Chicago Board of Trade as an administrator. I run an office. No big deal. What about you?

MICHAEL
I’m a secret agent.

TRACY
You sell real estate?

MICHAEL
No. Secret agent. As in, I work for the government.

TRACY
If you’re a secret agent, then why are you telling me? Doesn’t make it much of a secret.

MICHAEL
Well, I wanted to be honest with you. Look, Tracy, I know we just met, but I find you attractive, I think there’s some potential here, I don’t want to blow it by lying to you.

TRACY
I see. Well, thank you for your honesty. Do you like your job?

MICHAEL
Very much so. I get to kill people.

TRACY
You get to kill people?

MICHAEL
Bad people, mostly. You know, evil villains. It’s very gratifying.

TRACY
What, you mean, like, you have a license to kill?

MICHAEL
Want to see it? (He takes his license out of his wallet and shows it to her.)

TRACY
Oh, my God…

MICHAEL
I know. Can you believe that mustache? What was I thinking? I made them take the picture twice. Is that vain, or what?

TRACY

I did the same thing with my passport. You’re stuck with it for ten years, you should be happy with it. How long are stuck with that?

MICHAEL
They make us renew it every two years. Have to take an eye exam and everything.

TRACEY
An eye exam?

MICHAEL
Well, you know. Don’t want us killing the wrong person.


TRACY
Are you allowed to be telling me all this stuff on a date?

MICHAEL
Well, to be honest, it is frowned upon by the agency. It can make me vulnerable.

TRACY
Vulnerable can be sexy.

MICHAEL
Tracy. I’m 44. My whole adult life has been nothing but a string of affairs with super models and the kept mistresses of evildoers. It’s time for me to have something, someone, more substantial in my life.

TRACY
How many people have you slept with?

MICHAEL
Oh, I don’t know. Probably 100. 200. It’s on file. How about you?

TRACY
Much less than that.

MICHAEL
I know it seems like a lot. Most were in the line of duty. The men, any way. And that burro.

(Ludwig, an older waiter with a scar and ill-fitting clothes enters and serves them coffee. He speaks with a heavy non-descript foreign accent.)

LUDWIG
Here’s is your coffee.

MICHAEL
We didn’t order any coffee.

LUDWIG
Compliments of the house to the young lovers.

TRACY
That’s sweet.

MICHAEL
Thank you very much…?

LUDWIG
Steve.

MICHAEL
Steve. Do you have any soymilk, Steve? I’m lactose intolerant. There – I’ve never told anyone that on a first date. This is so liberating.

LUDWIG
I’ll be right back.

(He exits.)

TRACY
So, you don’t do dairy.

MICHAEL
I don’t do death. Or dairy, really. Don’t drink it, Tracy. I think it’s poisoned. Smells like arsenic.

TRACY
I think that’s chicory.

(Ludwig returns with soymilk.)

LUDWIG
Here’s is your soymilk, sir.


MICHAEL
We’ll just take the check.

(Michael does some judo-y stuff on Ludwig, ultimately snapping his neck.)

TRACY
It’s okay, everybody! He has a license for this sort of thing!

MICHAEL
I’m sorry our date was interrupted.

TRACY
Do you go through this kind of thing everyday?

MICHAEL
Most everyday. I have Mondays off. When can I see you, again, Tracy?

TRACY
Not when. Where?

MICHAEL
Okay. Where can I see you, again?

(Tracy takes a knife off the table and throws it at Michael’s chest. It hits him.)

TRACY (with a heavy non-descript European accent)
In hell, Michael. In hell. Sorry I lied.

(Michael drops dead. Tracy laughs maniacally. She stops laughing. Exits. Comes back. Puts a few dollars on the table and exits, again. Lights fade.)