Written by Joe Janes
11/3/09
289 of 365
CAST
Ronald, 50s
Charlotte, 50s
Sissy, 20s
Conrad, 40s
Ron-Ron, late teens
Aunt Hazel, 70s
(Lights up on the whole family sitting down to dinner. Fairly normal looking family, except Conrad has many visible tattoos and piercings.)
CHARLOTTE
Here we go, everyone. My famous pot roast. Sissy helped me with it, Conrad.
SISSY
Mom.
CONRAD
It smells wonderful, Mrs. Teaberry.
CHARLOTTE
Mrs. Teaberry? Who’s that? My mom? Call me Charlotte.
CONRAD
Okay. Charlotte.
RONALD
May as well call us by our first names. Your closer to us in age than you are to our daughter’s.
SISSY
Dad.
RONALD
Call me “Ronald.” Just being friendly, Sissy.
RON-RON
Can I go over to Marcus’s and look at his grandpa’s stool sample?
CHARLOTTE
No, Ron-Ron. Sit and eat your dinner. We don’t all get together very often.
AUNT HAZEL (bitterly)
And I’ll be dead soon. Enjoy me while you can.
RON-RON (hesitantly)
Okay.
RONALD
You’re not dying, Aunt Hazel.
AUNT HAZEL
The hell I’m not.
CHARLOTTE
Technically, we’re all dying. Aren’t we, really?
RON-RON
Me, too?
CHARLOTTE
Not as much as the rest of us.
RON-RON
But I want to die, too.
RONALD
Keep pushing it and we’ll make sure that happens, young man.
AUNT HAZEL
Who’s the freak show?
SISSY
Aunt Hazel!
CONRAD
It’s okay, hon’. I’m Conrad. Sissy’s boyfriend.
AUNT HAZEL
Ain’t that just fucking wonderful.
CHARLOTTE
Aunt Hazel! Language!
AUNT HAZEL
Wear a condom. You don’t want your babies to have prince alberts.
RON-RON
Can I get a prince albert?
RONALD
Not till your old enough to pay for one yourself. Now, no more talk of penile piercings at the dinner table. It makes me uncomfortable.
CHARLOTTE
Everyone enjoy the pot roast.
RONALD
Good idea. (They all eat a few moments in silence. Ronald stands.)
CHARLOTTE
Dear…
SISSY
Oh, no…
RONALD
I just want to say something. This is the first time in a long time our whole family has sat down at the dinner table to share a meal. We don’t even seem to be able to pull this off during the holidays. Yet, hear we are. No special occasion. And joined by my little girl’s latest beau who was probably having sex a good five years before she was born. But, love is blind, right? You never know. Maybe this is the one. Time will tell. We thought Chuck was the one. Age-appropriate, college educated, decent job with potential. But Sissy thought he was boring. A year and a divorce later, she’s back living under our roof. Which is nice. We’re all here. Even though we had to move Aunt Hazel from Sissy’s old room to the attic, she seems capable of taking those stairs. If she had married and had children, perhaps they would have been able to take care of her. But, no. She thought all she needed was her twenty-seven cats, until the health department kicked her out of her studio apartment. Here she is with us. Family. And, fortunately, cat-less.
AUNT HAZEL
You and Charlotte found them all good homes.
RONALD
We sure did. They are all in a better place. Ron-Ron is failing all his classes and taking every medicine we can shove down his throat. I think he’ll be blessing us with his presence until his mid-to-late thirties.
RON-RON
My acne’s cleared up.
CHARLOTTE
It has. You look so handsome.
RON-RON
And I don’t want to drink gasoline as much as I used to.
RONALD
All good news. Charlotte lost her job at the nursing home after being falsely accused of sexually molesting the patients.
CHARLOTTE
It was sponge bath.
RONALD
I work. I work. And I work. On the weekends, I yell at everyone here. And then Monday, I go back to work. Been at the same salary for eight years. Times have been tough. We have all hit our bumps in the road. But you know, what. We’re family. Even you, Conrad. We’re family. And this coming year will be our year. Things will turn around. I’ll get a raise, maybe a promotion. Charlotte will get a new job, one not involving scrubbing male genitalia. Aunt Hazel will…chill out. Sissy and Conrad will find happiness and start building a future together. Ron-Ron will discover some hidden artistic talent and we’ll all discover the genius we all hoped he could be. Yes. This will be our year. I declare it. It is hereby declared. Make it so.
(He sits. They all resume eating.)
CHARLOTTE
That was lovely.
SISSY
Thanks, Dad.
CONRAD
Really makes me think, Ronald. Thanks.
RON-RON
I’ll try harder in school, I promise. I’ll start in on my homework right after dinner.
RONALD
And I’ll help you.
AUNT HAZEL
We truly are a family.
(They go back to eating. Aunt Hazel chokes on something and spits something out and holds it up.)
RONALD
What is it, Aunt Hazel?
AUNT HAZEL
A cat whisker!
(Ronald and Charlotte try to hide their guilt as everyone else starts to gag. Black out.)
