Written by Joe Janes
8/19/09
213 of 365
Cast
Gordon, 30s
Chester, 30s
Ithamar, 30s
Dorf, 30s
Jackie, 30s
Nyima, 30s
(Lights up on Gordon sitting at his desk. Chester pops his head in.)
CHESTER
Hey, Gord-o.
GORDON
Chester.
CHESTER
You wanted to see me?
GORDON
Yes, come on in. Have a seat.
(Chester does. He has a rag sticking out of his back pocket.)
GORDON
What’s with the rag?
CHESTER
I noticed the windows on your car were dirty, so I cleaned them off for you.
GORDON
You really didn’t have to do that.
CHESTER
Oh, and hey. I got you something while I was at lunch.
GORDON
Chester, please-
CHESTER (handing him a plastic card)
I saw this and I thought of you. Spur of the moment thing.
GORDON
A $25 gift card to Wicker World.
CHESTER
Perfect, right? I know how crazy you are about wicker.
GORDON
I’m really not.
CHESTER
You have a wicker basket near your desk.
GORDON
That you gave me. Chester, the gifts, the good deeds, I told you, they have to stop.
CHESTER
Nonsense. You’re the boss. Just trying to keep you happy. If Poppa Bear’s not happy nobody’s happy.
GORDON
You’re fired.
(Lights go to black. Emergency lights come on as we hear a pulsing buzzer sound. Two cast members, Ithamar and Dorf, in gas masks and carrying batons, come out and flank the edges of the stage. Nyima enters dressed in regular show clothes. She signals for the buzzer to be shut off.)
NYIMA
It’s go time, people. This is not a drill. I repeat, this is not a drill.
GORDON
I knew this would happen.
CHESTER
It was just a matter of time.
NYIMA
Ladies and gentlemen, do not panic. We have been alerted by the authorities that somewhere in this audience is a republican.
(She points at a conservatively dressed Jackie in the audience. Ithamar and Dorf come down and flank Jackie.)
NYIMA
You, ma’am. You are a republican.
JACKIE
What? Nonsense. It’s nonsense. Do I look like a republican? Would I be at a comedy show if I were a republican?
NYIMA
Then what party are you affiliated with, ma’am?
JACKIE
I am an American.
GORDON
Yep. Republican.
NYIMA
Bring her here.
CHESTER
Careful, she’s probably armed.
(Ithamar and Dorf herd her to the stage with their guns and secure her to a chair.)
JACKIE
I thought I was coming to a comedy show, not a Nazi rally.
NYIMA
Stuff a sock in it, Red. You’re busted. We noticed how you laughed.
JACKIE
What? It’s a comedy show. I was laughing.
GORDON
You were laughing only after everyone else laughed.
CHESTER
You were cuing off of them. (Points to audience) You didn’t get our jokes.
JACKIE
Ridiculous. I laugh all the time.
NYIMA
What’s your favorite comedy show?
JACKIE
Oh, that’s easy. I love, love, The Cosby Show.
GORDON
Anything that’s on, oh, this century?
JACKIE
Nothing you would of heard of. I’m into some obscure, underground, edgy comedy stuff. Stuff you’d only see on cable.
CHESTER
Like what?
JACKIE
Jeff Foxworthy. Carrot Top.
NYIMA
You’re not helping your case. It is well documented that republicans lack a sense of humor.
GORDON
Except P.J. O’Rourke.
NYIMA
Except P. J. O’Rourke.
JACKIE
Who?
(This time a siren goes off. Ithamar takes off his gas mask and signals for the siren to be cut off.)
ITHAMAR
Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize to anyone in our audience who may be a republican. We know that not all of you are bad or without humor. And, regardless of our beliefs, you have every right to give us money and not get our jokes. We now resume our scene.
(He claps his hands, everyone runs off except for Gordon and Chester. Jackie remains strapped to the chair.)
GORDON
You’re fired.
CHESTER
But, why?
GORDON
You don’t do any work around here. You do me lots of favors and give me gifts I don’t need, but when it comes down to it, you don’t do anything. In fact, you put off doing things and work to prevent others from doing their work. You also lie about what you have been doing and about what others say they are doing. You and facts don’t get along. You’re like a republican.
JACKIE (sarcastically)
Ha, ha. (pause, then sincerely…) That was funny, right?
(Blackout.)
