Wednesday, August 19, 2009

Week 31, Day 213 - “Had This Been An Actual Emergency”

“Had This Been An Actual Emergency”
Written by Joe Janes

8/19/09

213 of 365

Cast

Gordon, 30s

Chester, 30s

Ithamar, 30s

Dorf, 30s

Jackie, 30s

Nyima, 30s

(Lights up on Gordon sitting at his desk. Chester pops his head in.)

CHESTER

Hey, Gord-o.

GORDON

Chester.

CHESTER

You wanted to see me?

GORDON

Yes, come on in. Have a seat.

(Chester does. He has a rag sticking out of his back pocket.)

GORDON

What’s with the rag?

CHESTER

I noticed the windows on your car were dirty, so I cleaned them off for you.

GORDON

You really didn’t have to do that.

CHESTER

Oh, and hey. I got you something while I was at lunch.

GORDON

Chester, please-

CHESTER (handing him a plastic card)

I saw this and I thought of you. Spur of the moment thing.

GORDON

A $25 gift card to Wicker World.

CHESTER

Perfect, right? I know how crazy you are about wicker.

GORDON

I’m really not.

CHESTER

You have a wicker basket near your desk.

GORDON

That you gave me. Chester, the gifts, the good deeds, I told you, they have to stop.

CHESTER

Nonsense. You’re the boss. Just trying to keep you happy. If Poppa Bear’s not happy nobody’s happy.

GORDON

You’re fired.

(Lights go to black. Emergency lights come on as we hear a pulsing buzzer sound. Two cast members, Ithamar and Dorf, in gas masks and carrying batons, come out and flank the edges of the stage. Nyima enters dressed in regular show clothes. She signals for the buzzer to be shut off.)

NYIMA

It’s go time, people. This is not a drill. I repeat, this is not a drill.

GORDON

I knew this would happen.

CHESTER

It was just a matter of time.

NYIMA

Ladies and gentlemen, do not panic. We have been alerted by the authorities that somewhere in this audience is a republican.

(She points at a conservatively dressed Jackie in the audience. Ithamar and Dorf come down and flank Jackie.)

NYIMA

You, ma’am. You are a republican.

JACKIE

What? Nonsense. It’s nonsense. Do I look like a republican? Would I be at a comedy show if I were a republican?

NYIMA

Then what party are you affiliated with, ma’am?

JACKIE

I am an American.

GORDON

Yep. Republican.

NYIMA

Bring her here.

CHESTER

Careful, she’s probably armed.

(Ithamar and Dorf herd her to the stage with their guns and secure her to a chair.)

JACKIE

I thought I was coming to a comedy show, not a Nazi rally.

NYIMA

Stuff a sock in it, Red. You’re busted. We noticed how you laughed.

JACKIE

What? It’s a comedy show. I was laughing.

GORDON

You were laughing only after everyone else laughed.

CHESTER

You were cuing off of them. (Points to audience) You didn’t get our jokes.

JACKIE

Ridiculous. I laugh all the time.

NYIMA

What’s your favorite comedy show?

JACKIE

Oh, that’s easy. I love, love, The Cosby Show.

GORDON

Anything that’s on, oh, this century?

JACKIE

Nothing you would of heard of. I’m into some obscure, underground, edgy comedy stuff. Stuff you’d only see on cable.

CHESTER

Like what?

JACKIE

Jeff Foxworthy. Carrot Top.

NYIMA

You’re not helping your case. It is well documented that republicans lack a sense of humor.

GORDON

Except P.J. O’Rourke.

NYIMA

Except P. J. O’Rourke.

JACKIE

Who?

(This time a siren goes off. Ithamar takes off his gas mask and signals for the siren to be cut off.)

ITHAMAR

Ladies and gentlemen, we apologize to anyone in our audience who may be a republican. We know that not all of you are bad or without humor. And, regardless of our beliefs, you have every right to give us money and not get our jokes. We now resume our scene.

(He claps his hands, everyone runs off except for Gordon and Chester. Jackie remains strapped to the chair.)

GORDON

You’re fired.

CHESTER

But, why?

GORDON

You don’t do any work around here. You do me lots of favors and give me gifts I don’t need, but when it comes down to it, you don’t do anything. In fact, you put off doing things and work to prevent others from doing their work. You also lie about what you have been doing and about what others say they are doing. You and facts don’t get along. You’re like a republican.

JACKIE (sarcastically)

Ha, ha. (pause, then sincerely…) That was funny, right?

(Blackout.)