Written by Joe Janes
10/23/09
278 of 365
Cast:
Nathan, 30s
Matthew, 30s
Violetta, 70s
Philbert, 20s
Announcer
(Lights up on Nathan and Matthew entering a theater from the lobby near the stage.)
MATTHEW
This is a wonderful surprise. Seeing a Broadway show here in Chicago.
NATHAN
I figured, “what the heck?” It’s your birthday; let’s do something special.
MATTHEW
Where are our seats?
NATHAN
Not sure if I’m reading this right, but they should be right up here somewhere.
MATTHEW
You must have paid a lot of money for these.
NATHAN
I did. But who cares? It’s your birthday, Matthew. Excuse me; can you help us find our seats?
(Nathan approaches Violetta, an elderly usher. Violetta takes the tickets and looks at them. Closely. For a very long time.)
VIOLETTA
Um…Row BB, seats 12 and 13.
(She looks around the theater, trying to read the seat numbers near her. She doesn’t see them. She looks at the tickets again for a very long time.)
NATHAN
I think we’ll try to find them ourselves-
VIOLETTA
Oh!
MATTHEW
Oh?
VIOLETTA
Oh! Right seats, wrong section. Your seats are in the mezzanine.
NATHAN
What’s a mezzanine?
VIOLETTA
Up there.
MATTHEW
It’s the level between the main floor and the balcony.
NATHAN
Up there? Why don’t they just call it the balcony?
MATTHEW
Because the balcony’s above it.
NATHAN
My upstairs neighbor has a balcony above my balcony; I don’t call mine a mezzanine.
(Violetta just stares at him. He thinks. He’s not sure. He waves his hand in front of her face to no response. Lights flash.)
NATHAN (continuing)
What the hell?
MATTHEW
That means the show’s about to start. Let’s hurry.
(They exit. Violetta stands there. For a very long time. She closes her eyes and squints. It’s quite possible, she just farted. Nathan and Matthew emerge somewhere near the middle of the house.)
NATHAN
Okay. Mezzanine. This isn’t too bad. You can see the whole stage.
MATTHEW
No, it’s not bad at all.
(Nathan approaches Philbert, a very young usher with the sniffles.)
NATHAN
Excuse me? Can you help us find our seats?
(Philbert wipes his nose on his hands repeatedly and then takes the tickets. Nathan holds on to them at first, but eventually surrenders them. Philbert looks at them.)
PHILBERT
You’re in the wrong place?
NATHAN
What does that mean?
MATTHEW
I thought this was the mezzanine.
PHILBERT
This is the lower mezzanine.
NATHAN
So, up one more?
PHILBERT
Two more. Your seats are on the upper mezzanine. That’s what the UM is near your seat numbers.
NATHAN
Oh.
MATTHEW
Well, whatever. It’s my birthday.
PHILBERT
Happy birthday.
(Philbert tries to hand the tickets back to Nathan who doesn’t want to touch them. He takes them from Philbert using his elbow. They exit. Philbert stands there and sniffs loudly. Then he wipes his nose on his fingers and looks at it. Wipes the residue on his pants. Nathan and Matthew emerge as far back in the house as possible, maybe even in the tech booth.)
NATHAN
Here we go!
MATTHEW
This is row BB?
NATHAN
Yeah. I feel sorry for the suckers behind us.
MATTHEW
I do, too, because apparently row CC is a wall.
NATHAN
Happy birthday, Matthew.
MATTHEW
Thank you, Nathan. Nathan? How much did you spend on these tickets?
NATHAN
Well, you know, I bought them discounted, day of the show, you know.
MATTHEW
That’s fine. What did you spend?
NATHAN
Ninety-five dollars.
MATTHEW
Total?
NATHAN
Each.
(The lights flash.)
NATHAN
Well, it’s a Broadway show. In Chicago. I’m sure it will be worth it.
MATTHEW
Next time just give me the money and I’ll dress up like a cat and sing.
NATHAN
You’re going to start charging me for that?
(Lights fade.)
ANNOUNCER
Ladies and Gentlemen, Broadway in Chicago is proud to present “One Man Porgy and Bess” starring Anthony Edwards. Please turn off your cell phones, unwrap your candies and pass your wallets and purses into the center aisle.
(We hear the opening strands of “Summertime” as if it were performed on a single electric keyboard.)
