Written by Joe Janes
152 of 365
(Lights up on Tracy, Paula, Shimmerman and Spencer sitting around Tracey’s living room in Omaha, Nebraska. They all wear KISS t-shirts and buttons. )
TRACEYSo far, we have accumulated 132 signatures for our petition to have KISS play Omaha. That’s not bad, but we have to do better if we want them to take us seriously. Who do you know?
PAULAYeah, guys. We can’t just rely on our KISS Army – Omaha MySpace page to do all our work.
SPENCERWe’ve got to mobilize. Maybe we can hit the market on Saturday and get signatures in the parking lot.
TRACEYNow you’re thinking. What about you, Shimmerman?
PAULAYeah, you’ve been quiet the whole meeting.
SHIMMERMANI’m waiting for the next item on the agenda.
TRACEYLook, man, I told you I wasn’t cool with that.
SHIMMERMANFine. Then get to the item after that.
TRACEY (sighs)Okay. (Looks at clipboard) Does anybody have any new business? (Shimmerman raises his hand.) Okay, let’s move on to rocking out-
SPENCERShimmerman has his hand up.
TRACEYAll right, Shimmerman. What is your new business?
SHIMMERMANWe need to talk about Spencer.
SHIMMERMANYes. This is the KISS Army. I have been a member in good standing since 1982.
TRACEYYou did have that two-year lapse in the late 80s.
SHIMMERMANThat was a Peter Criss sympathy binge. My heart was still with the KISS Army.
SPENCERI haven’t been a KISS solider as long as you, but I’m still in good standing, aren’t I? 75 of those petition signatures are from me.
SHIMMERMANThis is not about who you are on record, Spencer. It’s about who you are behind closed doors.
PAULADude. Are you dealing drugs?
SPENCERI’m a pharmacist. I deal drugs openly.
SHIMMERMANThere’s something else you do openly, Spencer. Last Saturday, I was on my way to the military surplus store to buy some camouflage pants with matching vest when my path was blocked by a parade. A gay pride parade.
PAULAOmaha has a gay pride parade?
SHIMMERMANApparently. And guess who was I saw on the lead float decked out in his Peter Criss outfit?
SPENCERWhat I do in my free time is my business.
SHIMMERMANIt would be if you weren’t a member of the KISS Army which is a role we all take seriously 24/7.
TRACEYWe do have rules, Spencer.
SPENCERIs there a rule against being gay?
SHIMMERMANYou took the pledge. “I pledge allegiance to the state of rock and roll/I promise to rock and roll all night and party every day/Cuz girl, I was made for you and girl, you were made for me/I was made for loving you, the KISS Army/Under God.” There is a clear reference to “I was made for you and “girl” you were made for me.”
SPENCERCould mean two girls, which would be gay.
SHIMMERMANGay, but hot. Not two guys gay, which is not hot.
SPENCERTo you. Does everyone feel this way?
TRACEYI don’t know, Spencer. I’ve never had this come up.
PAULASpencer’s done great things for this group. He made us these cool matching patches. He jammed on that eBay auction to get us that Gene Simmon’s autographed bottle of hair dye. We shouldn’t be kicking him out because we don’t agree with his personal life.
SHIMMERMANI was against you being in the KISS Army, Paula. KISS is a man’s band. They wear manly bare-chested sequined outfits. They wear manly make-up emulating demons and star children and kitty cats. They sing about rocking hard and having bountiful sex with women. But you’re Tracey’s girlfriend and it is his basement, so, I shut up about it. But I have to put my foot down. There’s no room in the KISS Army for gays.
TRACEYI say we put it to a vote. All those in favor of Spencer staying in the KISS Army, raise your hand. (Tracey raises his hand, Paula raises her hand, Spencer raises his hand.)
SHIMMERMANYou can’t go changing the rules of rock and roll just because you don’t like them.
PAULAIf you don’t like it, you can leave.
TRACEYIt’s our infantry. We can call our own shots. Give us back your patch.
(Shimmerman rips the patch off his sleeve and throws it on the table.)
SHIMMERMANFine. I’ll go join the Lincoln division. They have real men with real love guns who aren’t afraid to use them. (He heads towards the door and turns) That sounded gayer than I intended it to.
SPENCERI’m really sorry. I didn’t think…. I never meant to break up our group.
TRACEYWe’ll be okay, Spencer. Why don’t you lead us in our closing prayer.
(They circle and bow their heads)
ALLI know life sometimes can get tough. And I know life sometimes can be a drag. But people, we have been given a gift; we have been given a road. And that roads name is... rock and roll!
PAULAI never noticed that “drag” word in there before.