Written by Joe Janes
209 of 365
(Lights click on above Grekkor the Magnificent sitting alone in a chair. He sits still, looking down. He is an alien and dresses in oddly shaped armor. Dreadlock/tentacles pour out from under his helmet. We hear footsteps. Two men in dark suits under and one flips on a switch that brings more light to the room. The two men sit at a table nearby.)
CHANCEGood morning, Grekkor.
DETERIt’s good to see you, again, Grekkor.
GREKKOR (in a deep, masculine voice)Hello.
CHANCEHow are you feeling this morning, Grekkor?
GREKKORI am feeling fine.
DETERThat’s good to hear. We’re almost finished with our tests.
GREKKORThat is good.
CHANCEWe thought you would think so.
DETERSpeaking on behalf of all my colleagues, it has truly been a pleasure to work with you.
CHANCEYou are our country’s, well, the world’s, first encounter with a being from another planet.
DETERAnd we really appreciate how cooperative you have been.
GREKKOROther from my planet were worried that you would throw me on a table and cut me open to see what was inside.
(Chance and Deter look at each other and laugh.)
CHANCEWe got everything we needed from your blood samples and the MRI.
DETERIf we cut you open, it would be very hard to ask you about any of it.
CHANCEOr learn about your culture. Which reminds me, we have a few more questions.
GREKKORI am more than happy to answer them.
DETERWell, I should preface this by saying these questions come from our fellow countrymen.
CHANCEAfter we asked all our well-educated scientific-based questions, our president asked that we open up questions to the general public.
(Chance and Deter look at each other a little concerned, a little ashamed.)
GREKKORI would like that very much. I have yet to meet anyone from your planet other than your small group of doctors and scientists.
DETERAll the questions were submitted on-line in video. So, you’ll be able to see the person asking the question.
CHANCEMany of the questions were redundant, so we narrowed it down to the three most popular questions.
DETERHere’s the first…
(Deter uses a remote to start the video on a screen. Dunkin appears “on screen” wearing a Red Wings jersey and drinking a beer.)
DUNKINHey, there Gekko.
CHANCEHe can’t hear you.
DUNKINHere’s my question. Cool that you’re an alien, like some interstellar wetback.
GREKKORMy dorsal is not moist.
DETERHe still can’t hear you.
DUNKINBut if you’re here to take away our jobs, that you can get back in that spaceship of yours and fly it all the way to hell. And if you ain’t here to take our jobs, then how you paying for leaching off of Ol’ Uncle Sam?
DUNKINWho’s paying for your room and board there space fella? How we know you ain’t just going to fill up on food and steal all our Fort Knox gold and the next thing we know you’re outta here without so much as a note on the pillow. Well?
(Deter turns off the “video.”)
GREKKORWas that the question? “Well?”
DETERI think Dunkin’s question, if I understood it correctly, is simply, “Why are you here?’
GREKKORWhy did he use so many words that weren’t that to ask that?
DETERI don’t know.
GREKKORMy answer is the same as I told you. We have been aware of your planet for some time. It has only been in the past ten cycles that we have been able to achieve reaching your planet. We wish simply to make contact with you. We’re just saying, “hello.”
CHANCEI’ll put down “friendly visit.”
DETERHere’s our next question…
(Deter pushes a button on the remote. Jeri in a tube-top and big blond hair and too much make-up appears on screen.)
JERIHi, Gekko. My name is Jeri and I’m from Gainesville, Florida. Whooooo! My question is this. You are from outer space, right? Have you read the Bible? Because there’s no mention of you in the Bible. Which means you are probably Satan and here to destroy us. So, I guess my question is a two-parter. Have you read the Bible? If not, why not? Are you Satan? And are you here to destroy us? Go, Gators!
(Deter turns off the video.)
GREKKORThat was one of your most asked questions?
GREKKORI don’t know how to answer any of that except that I haven’t read the Bible. I don’t know what that is.
CHANCEIt’s a religious book believed by many people here on earth to be the word on where human beings and our plant came from.
GREKKOROh, from Manoobi.
GREKKORManoobi created everything in all the galaxies. It is all a part of his divine design.
CHANCEPeople here think God created the universe.
DETERWell, depends on whom you ask. Some people think only about five thousand years ago. Others, five billion years ago.
GREKKORManoobi wins. He created all living things a trillion years ago. He probably created your God in his own image.
(Chance starts to write this down. Deter stops him.)
DETERDoesn’t know what the Bible is, hasn’t read it. Let’s leave it at that.
DETERLet’s leave it at that. Okay. Grekkor, Thank you for your patience. Just one last question.
CHANCEDo we have to?
DETERIt is the most popular question asked. And this next gentleman did it more succinctly than others. Here we go…
(Deter uses the remote to turn on the video. Mike appears. He is a large man in a too tight t-shirt. He might work out, but he uses steroids, if he does. Beefy without much definition.)
MIKECan I fuck you?
MIKEI ain’t gay, but I also ain’t never fucked an alien. I’ve fucked a lot of women in my time, one fat chick on a dare, and a few farm animals, not on a dare. I just want to stick my dick in an alien.
(Deter turns it off.)
DETERI’m really sorry, Grekkor.
CHANCEMost of our people would like to know what it is like to have sex with you. It could be considered flattering.
CHANCEPlease don’t think less of us as a whole.
GREKKORI’ll have sex with him.
GREKKORSure. It’s a natural curiosity. People from my planet would want to know the same thing about you.
CHANCE (opening a door)We had Mike brought here in the off chance you agreed to this.
MIKEHe said yes?
GREKKOR (standing)Hello, Mike.
MIKEHot damn! I am going to be famous. I’m the first guy in the whole world to pork an alien.
GREKKOR (picking up Mike)I am happy to oblige.
MIKEJust to be clear, I’m a pitcher, not a catcher.
GREKKORThat’s fine with me.
DETERYou know what that means?
GREKKORWe call it the same thing on my planet.
(Grekkor carries Mike to the door.)
MIKEHey, do I need a condom?
GREKKORNot at all. The hooks in my vagina will impale the sperm just before it chews off your penis.
DETERWrite down that Grekkor is a female.
CHANCEGuess we missed that part. Looks so much like a dude.
MIKE (off)Oh, God! Oh, God!
GREKKOR (off)Oh, Manoobi!
(Mike screams. Chance and Deter shake their heads as lights fade.)