Week 11, Day 71 - "Cauldron Fresh"

“Cauldron Fresh”
Written by Joe Janes
3/30/09
71 of 365

CAST
Mark, 30s
Heather, 30s
Zelda, 100 or so

(Lights up on health inspector Heather with a clipboard and a white glove entering a kitchen followed by Friday’s manager Mark. Zelda is busy cutting vegetables. Zelda looks like a classic hag witch except she wears a red and white striped shirt, apron and paper hat.)

MARK

As you can see, Heather, we at T.G.I. Friday’s keep the front of the house sparkling clean. You can eat off any surface out there. Floor, ceiling, walls-

HEATHER

Tables?

MARK

Let us throw a disinfected plastic-coated cloth on it first, but yes.

HEATHER

Never judge a book by its cover, Mark, I always say. The true spirit of a restaurant lies here in the kitchen.

MARK

Well, you know, we’re very protective of the ingredients we use-

(She looks around. Zelda nods at Heather; Zelda dumps the veggies into a cauldron in the center of the room.)

HEATHER

What is that?

MARK

That is Zelda, our head cook.

HEATHER (pointing)

Not that that. That.

MARK

Oh. That’s our Amana Open Flame Self-Cleaning Cauldron.

HEATHER

I see.

MARK

It’s how we get that “country flavor” we’re so famous for.

HEATHER

And the country we’re talking about is…?

MARK

11th century Scotland, mostly.

HEATHER

You really shouldn’t have an open flame like this in the middle of your kitchen. It’s dangerous.

MARK

It’s pretty safe, actually. We installed good ventilation. Cement around the base. Zelda’s fully trained and the only one who uses it. In fact, she’s are only kitchen employee.

HEATHER (looks around)

You don’t have any ovens or grills or fryers. Not even a microwave.

MARK

Don’t need it. We do all our cooking cauldron-style.

HEATHER

You make fried BBQ Pork Fingers in the cauldron?

MARK

We’re out of it, right now, but yep.

HEATHER

Salads?

MARK

Cauldron fresh.

HEATHER

Desserts?

MARK

All cauldron-based cuisine. Would you like to see how it works?

HEATHER

Indeed, I would.

MARK

Zelda, go ahead and whip up a number 38.

(Zelda scoops up a bunch of ingredients off the counter and walks over to the cauldron. The lights shift as she speaks. Thunder rolls in the background and there’s the occasional spark of lightning. Kick starting a fog machine would be good here, too.)

ZELDA

Womb of the great goddess, hear our cries,
We give you gifts of lizard tail and dragon’s eyes,
The ground up wings of bottle flies,
Strips of dried flesh from Bill O’Reilly’s thighs!
So your loins may belch upon the world…

(The lights calm and the sound and fury subside.)

…A basket of lightly seasoned fries.

(She presents the fries to Heather. She tries one.)

HEATHER

This is actually really good. May I have another?

MARK

Please do, Heather.

HEATHER

I can’t believe how crispy and flavorful they are- oh, my head…I feel dizzy…

(Mark grabs her clipboard as she faints to the floor. He writes on it.)

MARK

Another successful health inspection for Friday’s.

(Zelda grabs a butcher’s knife and approaches Heather.)

MARK

And I’ll let the servers know that BBQ Pork Fingers is back on the menu!

(Zelda brings the knife down. Blackout.)

365 Sketches

Well, I'm going to do it. Starting tonight.

It's such a huge undertaking, that I spent a lot of time talking to people about it. That's rather rare for me. Typically, I'll get a bug up my ass about something and just do it.

So, thank you everyone who endured me soliciting your opinion - Andrew, Fig, Mr. Hall, my Tuesday night goals group, my Writing 2 class. Especially everyone who commented on Friday's post - my brother Don, Chris Othis, MJ, Old Ned, Jill, Mr. B, Henri, Rob Beisenbach, Erica Reid, Greg Wendling and Alibear. I especially appreciated the folks playing devil's advocate. I'm not the kind of person to do something because people tell me not to. I try to consider all angles before committing. Everyone on both sides affirmed things I was thinking and made me think about a few things I wasn't.

At the end of the day, the discourse led me to the conclusion that for me to do this, I have to do it for myself. And so I am. As an artist, I love to paint myself into corners. I find I do some of my best work that way. This corner happens to be in a very large room with all the doors and windows on the other end of the room. (Actually, it's more like I'm painting the floor of some huge ballroom and I'm starting in a corner with a very small brush and a gallon can of paint that's only half full. I've got a year to paint my way to the to the door.) In taking this on, I hope to tap in to a flow of material that leads me to writing about things I have never written about in a style I have never written in. And I hope it to be entertaining and stage worthy, too.

THE PARAMETERS

1) I will post the first draft of one comedy sketch a night before going to bed. A sketch is anything you might see in a sketch revue, so that includes scenes, blackouts, songs and the occasional odd "bit."

2) Six nights a week will be original material generated specifically for this project. On Sundays, I will post a written piece that has never been produced on stage. Although, I suspect I'll eventually run out of those and will have to start writing original material for that, too.

3) I will also include my thoughts on the piece, how it was developed and internal and external updates on the project itself. This is the teacher in me. I want this to be a beneficial experience for other writers.

4) All material is copyrighted by me and may not be used in any form or media without express written permission by me or the baseball commission.

5) Feedback on material in the comment section is invited and encouraged.

6) These are to be considered first drafts. Works in progress. I am free to rewrite any or all material.

So, there you go. I think I covered all my bases. If you think of anything I should probably include or be clearer about, let me know.

This is a huge departure from Bite and Smile and I know some dedicated folks just aren't going to be interested in reading a sketch a day. Thanks for tuning in, BS will return, in its full form, 365 days from now.


MOUSTACHE-A-THON




Hey! You can donate to my and my soon-to-be moustache Zed's campaign for world domination. Actually, the money goes to 826, a non-profit educational organization, more subtly bent on conquering the civilized world. Click HERE to donate - seriously, any amount is welcome - and scroll down and look for my pretty face and then click on the PayPal link. If you want to make a contribution, but not through PayPal, shoot 826 an e-mail at info@826chi.org. They'll work something out with you.


THE BS NEWS QUIZ OF THE DAY

On Friday, I asked...

"Skolu Isieskojimo Biuras, a debt collecting bureau in Lithuania, is now going after delinquent creditors using what?"

81% said "Facebook"
- It's the answer to all our life's problems, isn't it? Except here.

10% said "bogus lotteries"
- Those gag scratch off tickets will finally be useful!

No one said "debt-sniffing dogs"

Only 9% got it right with "witchcraft"

According to The Associated Press, a Lithuanian debt collector is offering an unconventional service to retrieve arrears: witchcraft.

The Vilnius-based firm has hired Vilija Lobaciuviene, the Baltic nation's most famous self-styled witch, to hunt down companies and individuals who are failing to pay their debts amid the credit crunch.

"There are certain people, who are using this crisis situation and refuse to pay back banks or other companies," said Amantas Celkonas, director of the Skolu Isieskojimo Biuras, or debt collecting bureau.

"Our new employee will help them to understand the situation, reconsider what is right and wrong and act accordingly," he said.

So, if I get this right, what they're saying is that if someone isn't paying off their bills, a witch is going to cast a spell on them? Not so sure this is a good way to go. I have enough trouble paying down debts as a human. I can't imagine trying to find work as a frog. "No, seriously, if you kiss me, I'll turn into a temp worker who can do data entry."