Written by Joe Janes
199 of 365
(Lights up on Don and Joe having coffee in a coffee shop.)
JOEWhat was your favorite costume at Comic Con?
DONThat guy in the Chewbacca outfit was pretty awesome.
JOEThe dude had hypertrichosis and a sash. Not a costume.
(Alice walks by carrying two “to go” cups of coffee.)
DONHey, Alice. Taking a break from work?
ALICEOn a coffee run.
DONOh, hey, Alice. Let me introduce you to my best friend, Joe.
ALICEOh, you’re Joe.
JOEYep. I am.
(He stands and they shake hands.)
JOE (continuing)Nice to meet you.
ALICENice to meet you, too. See you later, Don.
DONSee you later. (To Joe) She’s nice.
DONWhat did you think was the best costume at Comic Con?
JOEMy favorite was the old fat lady with the stringy gray hair and tattooed arms and the “Han Shot First” t-shirt.
DONThat wasn’t a costume.
JOEWe don’t know that.
(Michelle walks by carrying a cup of coffee and a laptop.)
MICHELLEOh, hey, Joe.
JOEHi, Michelle. Doing some writing?
MICHELLEYeah. Had to get out of the house and someplace not my house.
JOEOh, hey, this is my friend Don.
(They shake hands, as best they can, since Michelle’s hands are full.)
JOEMichelle is a former student.
MICHELLEWell, you guys have fun doing whatever.
(Michelle exits. Joe and Don sip their coffee.)
DONYou know, there’s something I noticed.
JOEAbout Michelle? She’s mostly straight, I think.
DONNo, no. Not that. I noticed that whenever I introduce you to someone, I refer to you as my best friend.
DONAnd you only refer to me as your friend.
JOELike Kirk and Spock. I have been and always shall be your friend.
DONBut you never refer to me as your “best” friend.
JOEI don’t think Kirk and Spock ever referred to each other as “best” friends. Goes without saying.
DONSo, you’re saying I am your best friend.
JOEYou’re up there. You’re a close second.
DONSecond? You mean, I’m McCoy?
JOEMy best friend is my cat.
DONYou put your cat ahead of me.
JOEAnd I have two cats. So, I don’t take this lightly. Houdini is first, you’re second, and Oona is third.
DONUsually “best” friend is a mutual thing. It’s like a relationship. Two-way. If I’m not your best friend, then you’re no longer my best friend.
JOEThat’s not fair. You don’t have a pet.
DONI used to have a cat. Edgar.
JOEYou got rid of him because you’re girlfriend was allergic.
JOEBro’s before ho’s, Don. Bro’s before Ho’s. Houdini and I put each other before girls.
DONHe’s a cat.
JOEHe’s still my best friend. He listens to me-
DONI do that.
JOEHe’s there when I need him.
DONI do that.
JOEWe have fun together.
DONWe have fun together,
JOEHe cuddles with me and licks my nose.
JOEI’m sure you are. But I only cuddle with my best friend, Houdini.
(Don takes a sad, dejected sip of his coffee.)
JOE (continuing)Look, you are the highest-ranking human on my friend list. That counts for something. You are my best human friend.
DONI guess that’s something.
(Lian the server enters. She puts down their check.)
LIANI’ll take this when you’re ready.
JOEWait. Um, what’s your name?
JOELian. I’d like to introduce you to my absolute best human friend ever, Don.
LIANNice to meet you.
DON (cheering up a bit)Thanks.
LIAN (to Joe)Cat owner?
LIANSo was my ex-best friend. (Slides bill to Joe) He’s paying.
(She exits. Joe takes out his wallet.)
JOEAw, crap. I don’t have any cash on me. (Looks pleadingly at Don)
DONMaybe you should call your best friend. Maybe he can help you out.
(Joe sighs. Opens his backpack. A cat paw with ten dollars attached to it pops out. He takes it and puts it on the table.)
JOEWho’s my best friend? Who’s my best friend?
(Joe then sticks his faces in the backpack and makes kissy sounds as Don puts his face in his hands. Lights fade.)