Written by Joe Janes
8/5/09
199 of 365
CAST
Don, 40s
Joe, 40s
(Lights up on Don and Joe having coffee in a coffee shop.)
JOE
What was your favorite costume at Comic Con?DON
That guy in the Chewbacca outfit was pretty awesome. JOE
The dude had hypertrichosis and a sash. Not a costume.(Alice walks by carrying two “to go” cups of coffee.)
ALICE
Hey, Don. DON
Hey, Alice. Taking a break from work?ALICE
On a coffee run.DON
Oh, hey, Alice. Let me introduce you to my best friend, Joe. ALICE
Oh, you’re Joe.JOE
Yep. I am.(He stands and they shake hands.)
JOE (continuing)
Nice to meet you.ALICE
Nice to meet you, too. See you later, Don.DON
See you later. (To Joe) She’s nice.JOE
Seems nice.DON
What did you think was the best costume at Comic Con?JOE
My favorite was the old fat lady with the stringy gray hair and tattooed arms and the “Han Shot First” t-shirt.DON
That wasn’t a costume.JOE
We don’t know that. (Michelle walks by carrying a cup of coffee and a laptop.)
MICHELLE
Oh, hey, Joe.JOE
Hi, Michelle. Doing some writing?MICHELLE
Yeah. Had to get out of the house and someplace not my house.JOE
Oh, hey, this is my friend Don. DON
Hey.MICHELLE
Hi.(They shake hands, as best they can, since Michelle’s hands are full.)
JOE
Michelle is a former student.DON
Ah.MICHELLE
Well, you guys have fun doing whatever.JOE
You, too.(Michelle exits. Joe and Don sip their coffee.)
DON
You know, there’s something I noticed.JOE
About Michelle? She’s mostly straight, I think. DON
No, no. Not that. I noticed that whenever I introduce you to someone, I refer to you as my best friend.JOE
Uh-hunh.DON
And you only refer to me as your friend.JOE
Like Kirk and Spock. I have been and always shall be your friend. DON
But you never refer to me as your “best” friend.JOE
I don’t think Kirk and Spock ever referred to each other as “best” friends. Goes without saying.DON
So, you’re saying I am your best friend.JOE
You’re up there. You’re a close second.DON
Second? You mean, I’m McCoy?JOE
My best friend is my cat.DON
You put your cat ahead of me.JOE
And I have two cats. So, I don’t take this lightly. Houdini is first, you’re second, and Oona is third.DON
Usually “best” friend is a mutual thing. It’s like a relationship. Two-way. If I’m not your best friend, then you’re no longer my best friend.JOE
That’s not fair. You don’t have a pet. DON
I used to have a cat. Edgar.JOE
You got rid of him because you’re girlfriend was allergic.DON
So?JOE
Bro’s before ho’s, Don. Bro’s before Ho’s. Houdini and I put each other before girls. DON
He’s a cat.JOE
He’s still my best friend. He listens to me-DON
I do that.JOE
He’s there when I need him.DON
I do that.JOE
He’s comforting.DON
I’m comforting.JOE
We have fun together.DON
We have fun together,JOE
He cuddles with me and licks my nose. DON
I’m cuddly.JOE
I’m sure you are. But I only cuddle with my best friend, Houdini. (Don takes a sad, dejected sip of his coffee.)
JOE (continuing)
Look, you are the highest-ranking human on my friend list. That counts for something. You are my best human friend.DON
I guess that’s something.(Lian the server enters. She puts down their check.)
LIAN
I’ll take this when you’re ready.JOE
Wait. Um, what’s your name?LIAN
Lian.JOE
Lian. I’d like to introduce you to my absolute best human friend ever, Don.LIAN
Nice to meet you.DON (cheering up a bit)
Thanks.LIAN (to Joe)
Cat owner?JOE
Yeah.LIAN
So was my ex-best friend. (Slides bill to Joe) He’s paying.(She exits. Joe takes out his wallet.)
JOE
Aw, crap. I don’t have any cash on me. (Looks pleadingly at Don)DON
Maybe you should call your best friend. Maybe he can help you out.(Joe sighs. Opens his backpack. A cat paw with ten dollars attached to it pops out. He takes it and puts it on the table.)
JOE
Who’s my best friend? Who’s my best friend?(Joe then sticks his faces in the backpack and makes kissy sounds as Don puts his face in his hands. Lights fade.)
