Week 32, Day 222 - “Body Falling Downstairs Slowly”

“Body Falling Downstairs Slowly”

Written by Joe Janes

8/28/09

222 of 365

Cast:

Nora, 30s

Julia, teens

Bill, 60s

Erik, 20s

(Lights up on Nora, a casually dressed woman in her late 30s, walking and carrying a large bag of groceries. Her cell phone is ringing and she has fist full of keys she’s fumbling with. The keychain is overloaded with stuff like a poker chip, bottle opener, light, pepper spray, etc.)

NORA

God dammit, God dammit, God dammit….Hold on, hold on… Oh, fuck…

(She grabs her cell phone from her purse. While fumbling around, Nora twists her foot and begins to fall in slow motion. The groceries fly out of her hands, perhaps aided by an actor dressed in all black. Her keys, similarly aided, fly in a different direction. Same with the purse. She manages to cling to her cell phone. She is falling down a short flight of stairs. She freezes. Julia, dressed like a punky teen from the 80s appears.)

JULIA

Looks like you’re going to die.

NORA

This is weird. Go away.

JULIA

You should have stayed with me in high school.

NORA

I’m not gay, Julia.

JULIA

You were in high school, Nora.

NORA

I don’t know what I was in high school, but I wasn’t gay.

JULIA

You loved me.

NORA

Maybe.

JULIA

You loved me. Why else would you be thinking of me now?

(Nora, moving in slow motion, reaches out to Julia who walks off. Nora twists and freezes, again. Bill, 60s, appears.)

BILL

Hey, Pumpkin.

NORA

Daddy! Help me.

BILL

You never come visit me.

NORA

You’re dead.

BILL

I have a gravesite, you know.

NORA

I hate cemeteries.

BILL

Well, you’ll have plenty of time to get used to them.

NORA

Daddy! I’m sorry!

(She reaches for him in slow motion and he walks off. She twists again and holds out her arms to block her fall. Erik, the Angel of Death, appears, playing a game on his iPhone. He is dressed all in white.)

NORA

Who are you?

ERIK

Erik, the easily distracted angel of death.

NORA (pointing)

Look! The Oscar Mayer Weiner Mobile!

ERIK (squeals)

I love that thing!

(Erik quickly walks off. Nora and all her flying-through-the-air items fall hit the floor in real time. She has hurt a few things. We hear a voice on her cell phone…)

NORA

Ow.

JULIE (on phone)

Hello? Nora? Nora, are you all right?

NORA (picking up phone)

Hello?... Julia? Julia! I can’t believe it. I was just thinking of you…Oh, I just tripped down some stupid stairs. I’m all right…You’re in town!... Hell, yes, I’d love to get together… Right now is perfect. Come on over. Do you mind if we swing by the emergency room first?

(Nora passes out.)

JULIE (on phone)

Hello?…Nora?

(Lights fade.)

Week 29, Day 200 - “Thoughts Of A Dying Atheist”

“Thoughts Of A Dying Atheist”
Written by Joe Janes
8/6/09
200 of 365

CAST
Al, 40s
Sam, 30s
Nancy, 40s

(Lights up on Al alone in the cockpit of a commercial jet airliner. It is night and he is clearly having some difficulty staying awake. We can lightly hear the hum of the jet engines. Sam enters with coffee for both of them and takes the co-pilot seat next to Al. They sit in silence for a moment.)

SAM (looking out the side window)

Hey, Al. Ever wonder what it would be like to just… dive… into the ocean?

AL

Just like diving into any other water. Just saltier.

SAM

Oh, I know that. I’ve swam - swum? - in the ocean before. I meant from here. I think that would be a blast.

AL

It would probably kill you.

SAM

It’s water.

AL

It’s some physics bullshit. You ever just smack your hand on the surface of water? Or do a belly flop? Like that, but you may as well be jumping off a building and hitting concrete. More splat than splash.

SAM

Man. Physics. (Jokingly shakes his fist)

AL

Ever wonder what it would be like to dive the plane into the ocean? (He dips the steering wheel a bit and brings it back up.)

SAM (excited)

You did not just do that!

AL

This? (Does it again)

SAM

Oh, man! I’ve never seen anybody do that before. I’ve never done that before.

AL

Done what? This? (He does it again).

SAM

Ah! Let me! Let me!

AL

Hang on a second. (Al hits a switch and we hear a “bing.” He then picks up the PA microphone.) This is your captain speaking. We’ve run into some light turbulence. Please return to your seats and make sure your seat belts are fastened. Thank you. (He puts it back down.) All yours, Sam.

(Sam gets an excited look on his face. He grabs the steering wheel and goes into a nosedive.)

AL (continuing)

Pull up! Pull up!

SAM

I can’t! I don’t want to!

AL (pulling up on his wheel)

Pull up, Sam or we’re all going to die!

(They manage to get the plane leveled off. Sam is panting with excitement. Al is shaken.)

AL (continuing)

Cheese and eggs, Sam! You nearly got us killed. All 158 of us.

SAM

I know, I know. I’m sorry. Wasn’t it cool, though?

(Nancy the flight attendant enters. She looks disheveled.)

NANCY

What the fuck, gentlemen?

AL

Sorry, Nancy.

SAM

You okay?

NANCY

No, I’m not okay. I’m wearing milk, coffee and tomato juice. The cabin is filled with spilled drinks, snacks, vomit and tears. It’s going to be a nightmare to clean up.

(She lights a cigarette)

SAM

You’re not supposed to –

NANCY

Shut up, Sam. (She takes a big drag, sighs out the smoke, drops the cigarette and stomps it out.)

AL

Hey, Nancy, give ‘em all a complimentary round of drinks.

NANCY

Will do. After I have a few for myself.

(She exits.)

SAM

Pretty wild, huh?

AL

What?

SAM

All those lives in our hands. Every one of them thought they were going to die a moment ago.

AL

Me, too.

SAM

And then we made it all right. And gave them a free drink to boot.

AL

With great power comes great responsibility.

SAM

When we were heading down toward the ocean, breaking through the clouds, seeing the shimmer of the moon on the water, you know what I was thinking? Okay. This is it. Fine by me. It’s been a fun life. I had my turn. Thumbs up. Adios, amigos. What a great way to go. What were you thinking?

AL

Let’s see, what was I thinking? Oh, yeah. I was thinking, “Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck! Oh, fuck!” It’s one thing to dick around just a little bit, Sam, but you nearly got us killed playing chicken with the sea.

SAM

So, we die. There are billions of people on the planet. We would have made the news and been forgotten in a month. Life would continue without us.

AL

Life can continue without you, if you want. But not without me. I’m not done yet. I have a dog and two ex-wives to feed.

SAM

It was exciting, though, wasn’t it? Thought you were going to die and now you’re not. Bet everyone back there feels the same. Bet you’re wide awake now, too.

AL

That I am.

SAM

Want a refill on your coffee?

AL

I want you to go help Nancy and the crew clean up. I’ll be fine here.

SAM

You pissed at me?

AL

Yes.

SAM

Um. Okay. We’ll talk when I get back.

(Sam exits. Al picks up the PA.)

AL

Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain. We sincerely apologize for the rough flight we’ve been having. It looks like we’ll be free and clear all the way in to Los Angeles. I’m going to turn off the “seat belt” sign and you can feel free to move about the cabin. And please enjoy a complimentary beverage on us.

(Al continues to fly. He thinks for a moment about nose-diving the plane. Thinks better of it and doesn’t. Lights fade.)