Written by Joe Janes
11/15/09
301 of 365
CAST
Pearl, 30s
Lacey, 20s
Duke, 30s
Nittie, 30s
Sheriff, 50s
(Lights up on a truck stop/diner. Pearl is pouring coffee for a stranger who is hunched over and wearing a hat – shhh, it’s Nittie. She walks behind the counter. Lacey brings over some dirty dishes and starts placing them in a rack.)
PEARL
Lousy night, eh, Lacey?
LACEY
I don’t know. I’ve had three offers to go for a real slow truck drive after I get off. Unfortunately, they came from three really slow truck drivers.
PEARL
What makes you think you’ll ever find the right guy here at the truck stop?
LACEY
This is where you met Duke.
PEARL
Like I said.
LACEY
I thought you loved Duke.
PEARL
I wouldn’t use the word “love.” More like “sentenced to.” There’s only one man I ever loved and he upped and disappeared on me.
LACEY
You mean Nittie. Nittie the Needle. Nittie the Needle, the killer.
PEARL
Nittie wouldn’t hurt a fly.
LACEY
Tell that to the Turk who got his throat threaded last year.
(Duke enters and clears his throat.)
LACEY
Hey, Duke!
DUKE
Lacey, you look as fresh and glistening as a springtime rose in the morning spray of a Rottweiler.
LACEY
Oh, Duke. You’re embarrassing me. I’ll go check on my tables.
(She exits.)
DUKE
Sorry about last night, Pearl.
PEARL
I guess when you’re drunk the only thing you can raise is your fist.
DUKE
I said I was sorry. I’ll make it up to you tonight.
PEARL
Maybe I won’t be there.
DUKE
Oh, you’ll be there. What the hell else would you do? Move in with Lacey and her kid? That trailer ain’t big enough for a no-legged midget.
PEARL
Don’t make fun of Lacey’s kid. He can’t help it.
(Duke grabs her roughly.)
DUKE
Don’t tell me what to do. You won’t leave, you’re too scared. Too scared of what I’ll do if I find you and too scared to find out you just ain’t got no life.
STRANGER
Maybe you should go easy on the lady.
DUKE
Maybe you should keep your nose outta where it don’t belong, Mister.
PEARL
Duke, you’re hurting me.
(Duke lets go.)
DUKE
I’ll see you around eleven. I’ll light some Glade candles, put some Charlie Rich on the stereo, and slip into my red kimono. Nittie ran away. I’m the man who stayed.
PEARL
Shut up about Nittie. Don’t you say his name.
DUKE
Nittie was a coward.
(We hear the sound effect of something like an arrow whipping through the air and landing near Duke’s head. Duke pulls it out of the wall.)
DUKE (continuing)
What do you know? A size 5 double-pointed. The same kind that scratched the tonsils of that Turk who lived up the road.
NITTIE (standing)
I don’t take kindly to being called a coward.
PEARL
Nittie!
NITTIE
I’m tired of running, Pearl. I came back to turn myself in to the sheriff. He’s meeting me here. Just wanted to see you one last time.
DUKE
Pearl’s my girl, now.
NITTIE
I also have a score to settle…with you.
DUKE
Me? What for?
NITTIE
For treating Pearl like she was anything less than gold.
DUKE
Let’s settle this outside. Like men.
NITTIE
I’ve got a better idea. Let’s settle it inside. Like men. You packing?
(Nittie pulls out knitting needles.)
DUKE
Oh, I’m packing. Pulls out his knitting needles. I should warn you. I recently won best of show at the St. Ervine’s Rummage and Taco Sale.
LACEY (re-entering)
Duke knitted an elegant bolster, a whimsical crib toy, a quintet of wonderful wearables and more… I bought them all!
NITTIE
You talkin’ or knitting?
DUKE
She was talking. I was being polite and listening.
(The Sheriff enters.)
SHERIFF
Nittie! Put down those needles.
DUKE
Stay back, Sheriff. This is between him and me. He’s all mine.
NITTIE
I ain’t going nowhere, Sheriff. I’ll turn myself over to you as soon as I’m done mopping up the floor with-
DUKE
Go!
(They both start knitting furiously. They are quickly producing a bounty of knitted material. Lacey keeps unfurling Duke’s knitting and Pearl helps Nittie.)
SHERIFF
Boys! Boys! This is madness! Stop this before someone gets hurt.
DUKE
I’ll stop if he stops first.
NITTIE
It ain’t over till it’s over.
SHERIFF
You can’t just knit without a purpose. It’s pointless.
DUKE
I’m just getting started. You know Lacey’s tiny trailer, Sheriff? I’m going to knit her a doublewide.
LACEY
Oh, Duke.
NITTIE
Sheriff, that jailhouse can get mighty drafty, can’t it?
SHERIFF
Me and the boys are always fighting a case of the sniffles.
NITTIE
Well, I’m going to knit you a jail cozy for the whole building. And I’m going to make it Pearl’s favorite color, fuscia.
PEARL
Oh, Nittie.
DUKE
Oh, yeah. Well I’m going to knit a giant sweater for the homeless- Aggg! Cramp! Cramp!
PEARL
You won, Nittie! You won!
(She hugs and kisses him.)
DUKE
You may have won this contest, Nittie, but your prize is a chauffeured limousine ride to the hoosegow. Arrest him, Sheriff.
SHERIFF
I can’t.
NITTIE
What?
SHERIFF
That’s what I tried to tell you. We found new evidence that clears you. A suicide note. From the Turk.
LACEY
A suicide note?
SHERIFF
It reads, “To whom it may concern: Life sucks. Gotta go. Buh-bye. The Turk.” There it was, plain as day, taped to his gun rack next to his overstuffed medicine cabinet. Sorry we missed it, Nittie. You’re a free man.
NITTIE
Thank you, Sheriff.
PEARL
Nittie, that’s so wonderful.
SHERIFF
Give you a ride to the hospital, Duke?
DUKE
I’ll take you up on that.
(The Sheriff exits.)
LACEY
Guess you’ll need someone to help you nurse your wound, Duke.
DUKE
Reckon I will.
LACEY
I’m really good with adhesives.
(They start to exit. Duke turns back.)
DUKE
Nittie, I don’t like you much. Just looking at you turns my stomach into tassels. But I sure as hell respect a man who can knit like you.
NITTIE
I’m glad to hear that, Duke. I was going to ask you to be my best man.
PEARL
Best man for what?
NITTIE
I didn’t tell you? I’m getting married.
PEARL
To whom?
NITTIE
To you, I hope.
PEARL
Oh, Nittie.
(They kiss. Lacey is very happy for them.)
DUKE
You know I don’t like you, right? And she used to be my girl? Don’t see why I’d be your best man. (They are still kissing.) Guess what I’m saying is “no. “ Just want to be clear.
(They are still kissing, He exits. Lacey is still watching them. Duke comes back and grabs Lacey and goes. They are still kissing. Lights fade.)
