Week 45, Day 312 - "No Thanks"

“No Thanks”

Written by Joe Janes

11/26/09

312 of 365

CAST:

Miles, 30s

Hester, 30s

Massas, 30s

Shenandoah, 30s

(Lights up on Hester and Miles, pilgrims, standing with Massas and Shenandoah. They are all holding hands in prayer around a table full of food.)

MILES

Our heavenly father, we thank ye for the food of plenty we are about to partake in. We celebrate your many gifts to us. And thank you for our new Wampanoag Indian friends Massas and Shenandoah, who have helped us harvest the land. We hope to live in peace with them for many years to come. Amen.

HESTER

Amen.

MASSAS AND SHENANDOAH

…Amen.

MILES

Please, my friends sit. We appreciate all the meats and vegetables you provided us. Hester and I were more than happy to take them and make them into wonderful dishes to share with you.

HESTER (serving them)

I made this from the sweet potatoes you gave us.

MASSAS

Smells wonderful.

SHENANDOAH

Thank you.

(They both ample the dish and quickly go from delight to horror. They spit the food out.)

MASSAS

I am so sorry.

SHENANDOAH

There was some strong sweet taste beyond the potatoes.

MILES

Those were the marshmallows.

MASSAS

Marshmallows?

HESTER

It’s candy. There’s also maple syrup in there.

SHENANDOAH

You took something sweet and made it sweeter.

HESTHER

All the pilgrims are doing it, right Miles?

MILES

I think our taste buds might be a little more sophisticated than our savage friends.

MASSAS (to Shenandoah)

We’ve got to get rid of these assholes.

MILES

If you don’t like the potatoes, you’ll probably like the meat. We took a turkey and stuffed it with deer meat and chicken and deep-fried it in a very salty fat.

HESTER

We call it turdeerken.

SHENANDOAH (to Miles)

We attack at dawn.

(Blackout.)

Week 27, Day 185 - "Turkey Fingers"

“Turkey Fingers”
Written by Joe Janes
7/22/09
185 of 365

CAST
Mrs. Gruber, 60s
Nate, 8
Principal Mylie, 40s
Cop, 30s

(Lights up on Mrs. Gruber, an old-fashioned elementary school teacher in her 60s. Nicely dressed. Very lady like and friendly. She addresses the audience.)

MRS. GRUBER

Children, children, guess what? Nappy time’s over, children. Guess what time it is? Time for arts and crafts. Come on over here and get some paper and crayons. You only need one sheet of paper. Go ahead and sit on the floor. There you go. Everybody share, when you share, you care.

(People from the audience are encouraged to get up and help themselves to paper and crayons and sit on the floor. Of course, there’s lots of room for ad-libbing and calling students by name. One student among the audience is Nate, who joins them.)

NATE

I’m still sleepy Mrs. Gruber.

MRS. GRUBER

Now, now, Nathaniel. That’s just the kool-aid talking. Be a good helper and pass out crayons and paper.

NATE

Okay.

MRS. GRUBER (continuing)

Don’t start drawing, yet. Wait until I give you directions, okay? Now, does anyone know what holiday is coming up? Anybody? It’s a holiday where you get to eat lots of really good yummy food that your mother makes for your family. Sometimes your grandmother helps out, usually by making a pumpkin pie. The men folk watch football on television. That’s right, Thanksgiving…. Now, then, everyone take your hand and place it on the paper with your fingers spread out real wide. Just like this… (She demonstrates) and trace your hand with one of your crayons… Very good. Try to stay close to your fingers…That’s good. Very good. Look at all the little artists…. Hold up your paper and take a look. What does it look like? You know what it looks like to me? A turkey! A naked turkey. Now, we don’t want the turkey to catch a cold, so we better put feathers on him. Use your crayons to make feathers for your turkey. Do a good job. If you do a good job, I’ll put your turkey on the “Good Job” wall…(As the children draw, Mrs. Gruber walks among them making comments and sharing fun facts about Thanksgiving)…

- Turkeys are a very important part of our national heritage. Does anyone know why? Ben Franklin wanted to make the turkey our national bird instead of the eagle. Ben Franklin was stupid.
- Turkeys have feathers and wings but can’t fly. Do you k now why they can’t fly? Because they’re too fat. There’s a lesson there for some of you, isn’t there?
- Does anyone know what a turkey sounds like? Can you make the sound? Tom turkeys make that sound as a mating call. Does anyone know what that means, because you shouldn’t?
- At the first Thanksgiving, they didn’t have a lot of the things that we have at Thanksgiving. They didn’t have any bread, butter, milk, cheese or pumpkin pie. This is why the pilgrims grew to hate the Indians.
- Has anyone ever got the wishbone of the turkey on Thanksgiving? You did? What did you wish for? It’s actually a bone at the top of the turkey’s chest, so when you’re making a wish, it’s like you’re snapping its neck from the inside. Neat-o, hunh?
-
(Mrs. Gruber also picks up different drawings, criticizing them for being good or bad or wall worthy. Principal Mylie enters and stands in the back of the room.)

PRINCIPAL (calmly)

Mrs. Gruber.

MRS. GRUBER

Principal Mylie. How nice of you to come visit us. Children, say hello to Principal Mylie.

PRINCIPAL

Hello, children. Mrs. Gruber, the police are outside.

MRS. GRUBER

Oh, did they wish to speak to the children about safety? Could they come back tomorrow? Right now, we’re making turkeys. Would you like to make a turkey, Principal Mylie?

PRINICPAL

No. Thank you. Mrs. Gruber, if I don’t come out in a few minutes. They’re going to come in and I can’t be responsible for what they might do to you.

MRS. GRUBER

Oh, my, that sounds serious.

PRINICPAL

You can’t just show up at the school and take children away in your station wagon.

MRS. GRUBER

You mean The Learning Mobile. Wasn’t riding in The Learning Mobile fun kids.

NATE

The fumes made me sleepy.

MRS. GRUBER

No, dear. That was the kool-aid.

PRINCIPAL

Mrs. Gruber. Phyllis. The children need to get out of your basement and come back to school. Their parents are worried.

MRS. GRUBER

The kids are safe here. They just woke up from their sleepy time nap and now we’re learning about Thanksgiving.

PRINCIPAL

Phyllis. You’re not a teacher anymore. You retired last year.

MRS. GRUBER

But, I didn’t retire.

PRINICPAL

Not willingly, no. You were retired. By the school board. Look, you really need to let the kids go or the police-

COP (Off, on a bullhorn)

Mrs. Gruber. This is the police. Let the children come out before we come in.

MRS. GRUBER

Children! Back to your seats! Quick! Quick!

(Mrs. Gruber turns out the lights as the kids scramble back to their seats. We hear sounds of a police SWAT team breaking down a door and storming the basement. They have lasers and flashlights on their rifles.)

MRS. GRUBER

My country tis of thee, Sweet Land of Liberty, Of thee I sing- Sing with me children! –

COP

Taser her! Taser her!

MRS. GRUBER (while being tasered)

Land where my fathers died, Land of the pilgrims’ pride, From every mountainside, let freedom ring!!!

(We hear an electric shock. Blackout.)