Week 50, Day 347 - "Dining In Hell"

“Dining In Hell”

Written by Joe Janes

12/31/09

347 of 365

Cast,

King Leonidas, 30s

Maître de, 40s

Jose, 20s

(Lights up on ready-for-action King Leonidas addressing the other Spartans – the audience,)

KING LEONIDAS

Spartans! Prepare for glory! For tonight, we dine in hell!

(He screams a guttural, primal warrior yell. The nicely dressed maître de enters.)

MATRE DE

And do you have a reservation?

KING LEONIDAS (looking over podium)

Uh…King Leonidas. There we are.

MATRE DE

Ah, yes. I see. Party of 300. Is everyone here?

KING LEONIDAS

Yes! We are all here and ready to dine in hell!!!

MATRE DE

We’ll have to put a few tables together. It will take a few minutes. (The maître de snaps his fingers. Jose comes out in a vest and black pants. The maître de whispers to him. Jose nods and walks off. Leonidas just stands there, not sure what to do with himself.)

KING LEONIDAS

Will this take long?

MATRE DE

Just a few minutes. Hell is very busy this evening. I’m surprised you were able to find parking.

KING LEONIDAS

We marched here on foot. From Sparta.

MATRE DE

I see. Good weather for that.

KING LEONIDAS

Yes. It was very pleasant.

(Pause.)

MATRE DE

Would you like to look at a menu while you wait?

KING LEONIDAS

Sure.

(The maître de hands him a menu and he looks at it.)

KING LEONIDAS

Do you have any specials?

MATRE DE (confidentially)

Nothing I would recommend. Stick to the pasta dishes. Can’t go wrong with them. And save room for the bread pudding. Heavenly, but you didn’t hear that from me.

(Jose comes out and whispers in the maître de’s ear. The maître de looks disappointed, whispers back in Jose’s ear. Jose whispers back, angrily.)

KING LEONIDAS

Is there a problem?

MATRE DE

No problem. Pardon me for a moment.

(The maître de produces a trident from his suit jacket and pulls Jose aside. He beats Jose with the trident.)

MATRE DE (working himself into a frenzy)

Insolent ignorant lowlife drone! If there aren’t enough clean glasses for water for 300, wash some more. If there aren’t enough, use the pint glasses! Do I have to think of everything, Mommy? Mommy! Mommy! Mommy! (Hugs Jose as he calms himself down.) Now, go. (Jose exits.) I’m afraid it will be just a little longer. I’m very sorry.

KING LEONIDAS

Well, you know. We’re anxious to eat. We have a big battle we don’t want to be late for.

MATRE DE (Handing him a beeper)

Here’s a pager. As soon as your table is ready, we’ll buzz you. I’ll go help get your table set to expedite things. And I’m going to go ahead and order you some appetizers. On the house. Chicken wings and mushroom caps, okay?

KING LEONIDAS

Sure. Oh, wait. Daxos is a vegetarian. (The maître de looks at him quizzically) I know. And he’s a real pain in the ass about it.

MATRE DE

I’ll ask the chef to make some tofu thing. We may have to charge you for that.

KING LEONIDAS

Sure, sure. Happens everywhere we go.

(The maître de exits. Pause.)

KING LEONIDAS

Soon, Spartans. We shall dine in hell. With garlic bread and stuffed mushroom cap appetizers. And some disgusting tofu thing for Daxos. I think I’m going to try the risotto. (The pager goes off) And make sure you save room for bread pudding! (He screams a guttural, primal warrior yell. Blackout.)

Week 46, Day 322 - "Who's Afraid of Virginia, Wolf?"

“Who’s Afraid of Virginia, Wolf?”

Written by Joe Janes

12/6/09

322 of 365

Cast:

George, 40s

Martha, 40s

Ted, 20s

Virginia, 20s

Announcer

(Lights up on a living room. A middle-aged couple is having drinks with a young couple. The young woman is pregnant.)

GEORGE

Get me another drink, Martha.

MARTHA

Get it yourself, George. Wouldn’t hurt you to try to burn some calories.

TED

I’ll get it.

GEORGE

Sit down, you pathetic twerp.

VIRGINIA (meekly)

Please don’t argue.

MARTHA

Dear, we haven’t even begun to argue.

TED

Virginia is a little sensitive.

GEORGE (looking out window)

Look at that moon. It’s big.

MARTHA

Only eclipsed by the size of your ego, George.

VIRGINA (drops her drink)

Oh, dear.

TED

Now, you’ve done it.

GEORGE

Great Jehosephat!

MARTHA

I’ll call a doctor.

TED

Just stay back!

(They all stay back as Virginia quite dramatically and violently turns into a werewolf. Virginia is snarling and looks like she’s about to attack any one of them. We hear classic scary music, possibly a Theremin. Virginia howls.)

ANNOUNCER

Edward Albee’s Who’s Afraid of Virginia the Wolf?. You are cordially invited to George and Martha’s for an evening of fun and games.

(Virginia, as a wolf, sitting and drinking her cocktail like a dog laps up water. Ted tries to take her drink and she growls at him.)

ANNOUNCER (continuing)

Drop in for drinks and brace yourself.

(Blackout)

Week 32, Day 223 - “The Eighth Wonder of the World”

“The Eighth Wonder of the World”
Written by Joe Janes

8/29/09

223 of 365

CAST

Carl, 40s

Kong,???

Theater Patron Liz, 40s

Theater Patron Percy, 20s

Theater Patron Millie, 60s

Theater Patron Frank, 60s

(Circa 1933. On stage, we see a large curtain. Standing before it on a tuxedo is Carl Denham.)

CARL

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'm going to show you the greatest thing your eyes have ever beheld. He was a king and a god in the world he knew, but now he comes to civilization merely a captive - a show to gratify your curiosity. Ladies and gentlemen, look at Kong, the Eighth Wonder of the World.

(The curtain falls and we see Kong on a platform with his arms and feet in chains. The audience gasps.)

CARL (continuing)

Don't be alarmed, ladies and gentlemen. Those chains are made of chrome steel.

(The “ooh-ing” and “ah-ing” subsides.)

CARL (continuing)

Big fella, isn’t he? The strength of a thousand apes. Regular-sized apes. All rolled up into one giant ape. (Flexes his arms) Grrrrr!

(Pause)

THEATER PATRON LIZ

Now, what?

CARL

What’s that?

THEATER PATRON PERCY

He’s impressive and all, but now what?

CARL

Well, um, just look at how magnificent he is. Do you want to come up and take a closer look?

THEATER PATRON LIZ

Not really. He’s got a bit of a gamey smell about him.

CARL

Well, he’s a wild animal. Full of wild animal instincts.

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

Like avoiding proper bathing.

THEATER PATRON FRANK

Look, what’s your name-

CARL

Carl Denham, adventurer!

THEATER PATRON FRANK

I wasn’t really asking. There’s a depression going on, you know. My wife and I paid big bucks for these tickets. On top of that we hired a baby sitter and paid for a really nice meal.

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

Oh, did you go to Sardis’?

THEATER PATRON FRANK

Indeed, we did.

THEATER PATRON PERCY

I love their steak tartar. They make it right at your table.

CARL

Your point, sir?

THEATER PATRON FRANK

Is this it?

CARL

Is this it? This is Kong – The Eighth Wonder of the World!

THEATER PATRON PERCY

Guess this it. Some show.

THEATER PATRON LIZ (to her escort)

I told you we should have gone to see “Porgy and Bess.”

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

Doesn’t he sing or dance?

CARL

He’s a giant ape.

THEATER PATRON FRANK

For chrissake’s, even my dog does tricks.

THEATER PATRON LIZ

Your dog is smarter than this ape.

(Carl talks out of the side of his mouth to Kong.)

CARL

I’m dying here, Kong. Do something.

(Kong holds up a fist towards Carl, “cranks” it until the middle finger is extended.)

THEATER PATRON PERCY

That was offensive. What’s next? IS he going to fling his giant pooh at us? I want a refund.

CARL

You can’t get a refund. This is Broadway.

THEATER PATRON PERCY

Then you or the monkey need to start dancing.

CARL

He’s the Eighth Wonder of the World.

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

And we’re done wondering. I want my money back.

(The rest of the crowd chimes in on this and they start shouting for a refund.)

CARL

Kong, help me, here. Do you really want me to send you back to that island full of swamp gas, giant mosquitoes and dinosaurs?

THEATER PATRON PERCY

Dinosaurs?

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

What dinosaurs, where?

CARL

Back on the island where I found Kong. They had dinosaurs.

TEHATER PATRON FRANK

Are you insane? Why didn’t you bring back a dinosaur? Those are extinct.

THEATER PATRON LIZ

I would have loved to see a dinosaur. I could stare at one of those for hours.

CARL

But, apes are cool.

THEATER PATRON PERCY

Apes aren’t cool. I can go to the zoo to see an ape. Dinosaurs, wow that really would have been worth the ticket price.

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

If there are dinosaurs still alive, then there’s no way this is the eighth wonder of the world.

THEATER PATRON PERCY

I don’t know what scale your using to rank your wonders, Mister Adventurer, but a T. Rex would knock this smelly, untalented beast down into the double digits.

(During all this, Kong has become increasing offended and angry that the crowd would rather see a dinosaur. Percy’s remark puts him over the edge. He breaks his chains and roars!)

CARL

Show’s over! Show’s over! We can’t control him.

THEATER PATRON LIZ

Don’t end it now!

THEATER PATRON MILLIE

It’s just getting good.

(The crowd is now cheering. Kong goes into the crowd and smashes the heads of the theater patrons. And makes it back on stage.)

CARL

Good job, Kong. Say, were you friends with any of those dinosaurs? Maybe we could put together a comedy team.

(Kong roars at him. Carl runs off screaming. Kong turns to the remaining audience.)

KONG

No refunds.

(Blackout.)

Week 18, Day 126 - “The Hitchhiker"

“The Hitchhiker”
Written by Joe Janes
5/24/09
126 of 365

CAST:
The Hitchhiker
Steven
Narrator

(In the dark, we hear rain and thunder.)

NARRATOR (VO)

Late at night…Alone on the road…

(Stage left, lights come up on Steve driving at night in the rain.)

STEVE

I can’t believe the bad luck I’m having. It’s the middle of the night, it’s pitch black out, and I’m on a long stretch of deserted highway. Things could not possibly be worse.

(Lights quickly fade on Stave.)

NARRATOR (VO)

…There’s only one rule of the road… Don’t pick up The Hitchhiker.

(Stage right, there’s an extended flash of lightning with thunder revealing The Hitch Hiker standing with his back to the audience with his thumb out. Lights out on The Hitch Hiker, back up on Steve.)

STEVE

I’ve been driving for hours all by myself. Oh, what good fortune. A hitchhiker.

(Steve pulls over. The Hitch Hiker gets in. He is a quiet, imposing man. )

STEVE

You are a lifesaver, mister. Let me tell you. Going crazy in this car. I know you shouldn’t pick up hitchhikers. You hear all those crazy stories about psychos chopping up families and stuff. You know? You know?

(The Hitchhiker stares intensely at Steve. Steve gulps in fear. The Hitchhiker reaches into his coat pocket… Steve screams… and pulls out a fruit roll-up.)

THE HITCHHIKER

Fruit Roll-Up? They’re made with real fruit!

STEVE

I love Fruit Roll-Ups!

NARRATOR (VO)

The Hitchhiker.

STEVE AND THE HITCHHIKER

99 roll-ups of fruit on the wall, 99 roll-ups of fruit, take one down, pass it around, 98 roll-ups of fruit on the wall.

(Lights fade)

NARRATOR (VO)

Barely making it to DVD this summer.