Week 49, Day 339 - "Love Birds and Cat Thieves"

“Love Birds And Cat Thieves”

Written by Joe Janes

12/23/09

339 of 365

CAST

John, 50s

Roger, late 20s

Belinda, 50s

(Offstage, in the dark, we hear someone pry open a door. Roger, man in dark clothes with a pillowcase and small flashlight enters. He looks around for something of value to steal. He finds some framed pictures on the wall and begins to tear out the photos and put the frames in his sack. The lights come on.)

JOHN (startled)

Oh, Jesus!

ROGER

Stay back or I’ll blow your head off!

JOHN

Okay, okay. Take what you want.

ROGER

I will. I’m going to take these silver picture frames.

JOHN

Oh….

ROGER

What?

JOHN

You probably couldn’t tell with the lights off, but those are pewter.

ROGER

Pewter?

JOHN

I’m sure they’re worth something.

BELINDA (entering)

John… John what’s going on out here? Oh, hello. What’s that man doing with our pictures?

JOHN

Belinda, dear, we’re being robbed.

BELINDA

Why are you stealing our pictures?

ROGER

I’m not. Just the frames. I was going to try to sell them. I thought they were silver.

BELINDA

Oh, no. Not silver. Sorry. Don’t you want the pictures, too?

ROGER

Oh, I thought you would. For sentimental reasons. I don’t need them.

BELINDA

That is so considerate of you.

JOHN

You’re very thoughtful, but (looks at Belinda for approval) it’s okay with us if you keep the pictures in their frames. If that helps their value.

ROGER

I think I’ve changed my mind about your frames. Bust out your jewelry.

JOHN

Well…

BELINDA

We don’t really…

ROGER

Gold. You must have some gold somewhere. A watch, a necklace.

JOHN

We sold all our gold for cash. Like on TV.

BELINDA

We didn’t even need the money.

JOHN

We just wanted to make Glenn Beck happy.

ROGER

Your wedding rings, then. Hand them over.

BELINDA

Oh, dear.

JOHN

This is really embarrassing.

BELINDA

Just costume pieces.

JOHN

We wanted to impress her dad, so we bought these ostentatious pieces of gold-plated crap.

(Roger comes over and looks at her diamond, first hand.)

BELINDA

Cubic zirconium.

JOHN

The best cubic zirconium money can buy. I’m sure you can get a few dollars for it.

(Frustrated, Roger sits down on the couch.)

ROGER

My wife is going to kill me. You guys have such a nice house. How can you not have anything valuable in it?

JOHN

You answered your own question, there.

BELINDA

What money we had, went into the house. It’s an expensive mini-mansion.

JOHN

That plasma TV was a Kwanzaa gift from her father, take it.

BELINDA

Oh, yes. You can have the TV. That’s worth thousands of dollars.

ROGER

I could never carry that. I just get what I can carry in this pillowcase.

(John and Belinda join him on the couch.)

ROGER (continuing)

Cash would work. Where’s your safe?

JOHN

Safe? We turned it into a mini-fridge.

BELINDA

Nothing to keep in it.

ROGER

Then give me whatever you have.

JOHN

I never carry cash.

BELINDA

Just plastic. We can give you our credit cards.

ROGER

Oh, no you don’t. Too easy to close off and too easy to trace when you use it.

JOHN

I know what to do. (John exits, leaving Roger and Belinda alone.)

BELINDA

So, is this like the start of your shift or are you almost done for the evening.

ROGER

I don’t really work a shift. I only make money when I steal something of value.

BELINDA

Oh, like sales. I did telemarketing in college. Hated it.

ROGER

Yeah. It’s tough. My wife used to do this with me-

BELINDA

Oh, how romantic. Love birds by day, cat thieves by night.

Something like that. But now she’s pregnant, she expects me to pick up the slack.

BELINDA

Must be hard with the economy the way it is.

ROGER

Tell her that.

BELINDA

Do you have a card-?

(John re-enters and tears out a check from a checkbook.)

JOHN

Here you go. (Hands it to Roger) A signed, blank check. You fill in the rest. Make it out to “cash” to stay anonymous.

ROGER

Okay. Thanks. I promise I won’t go too crazy with it.

BELINDA

If you get the cash before it clears, who cares?

JOHN

Really, if we don’t care, you shouldn’t either. You take what you need and get something nice for the misses.

ROGER

Well, thanks. I’m sorry I threaten to blow your head off earlier. I don’t even have a gun.

JOHN

Oh, think nothing of it. I probably would have done the same thing in your shoes.

BELINDA

You get out there and do your family proud.

(Roger unexpectedly hugs them both.)

JOHN

Oh.

BELINDA

This is nice.

JOHN

It is nice.

(Roger finishes hugging them and walks to the door.)

BELINDA

You come by and rob us anytime.

JOHN

We’ll try to get some stuff in here worth stealing.

BELINDA

Small, easy to carry stuff.

(Roger nods, is almost on the verge of tears. He goes to the wall and takes down a small picture.)

ROGER

Can I have this one of the two of you at the beach?

BELINDA

No need to even ask.

JOHN

What’s ours is yours. Take it.

(Roger puts it in his pillowcase and exits.)

BELINDA

What a nice young man.

JOHN

You don’t meet good, decent folk anymore.

(They start to walk off to bed.)

BELINDA

Just goes to show you.

JOHN

You only need to look as far as your own backyard.

BELINDA

I hope he comes back sometime.

JOHN

Me, too. Maybe he’ll bring his wife…

BELINDA

Oh, I forgot to get his card…

(They exit chatting about the nice time they had as lights fade.)

Week 45, Day 314 - "Held Up"

“Held Up”

Written by Joe Janes

11/28/09

314 of 365

Cast:

Floyd, 50s

Annie, 50s

Tammy, 50s

(Lights up on Floyd waiting outside his car. We hear the sounds of a bus stop, let someone off, and pull away. Annie walks up carrying a small, beat up suitcase.)

ANNIE

Floyd?

FLOYD

Annie!

(They hug very quickly and awkwardly. They step apart and look at each other.)

FLOYD (continuing)

Oh. Let me take that.

ANNIE

No. That’s okay.

FLOYD

You look good.

ANNIE

You’re full of shit. You look good, though.

FLOYD

I look fat.

ANNIE

Yeah. That’s what I meant.

FLOYD

Hey, get in. Let’s get you away from this place.

ANNIE

Yeah. Still feels weird to be outside.

(They get in. Floyd behind the driver’s seat.)

FLOYD

Where do you want to go?

ANNIE

I don’t know.

FLOYD

We could just drive around.

ANNIE

Okay. That sounds good.

FLOYD

Twenty years is a long time. Lots of stuff has changed.

ANNIE

Where you living?

FLOYD

I’ve got a room above Merle’s garage. He’s till in business. I clean the place; he lets me stay there. Really just a cot in a storage room.

ANNIE

This your car?

FLOYD

No. Merle loaned it to me for the day. He’s a good guy.

ANNIE

I ain’t got no place to stay.

FLOYD

There’s the Motel 8 near route 2.

ANNIE (looking out window)

Yeah. There’s that. Where is everybody?

FLOYD

Downtown’s dead. A lot of shops have closed. Want to go see the new Super Wal-Mart? The place is huge.

ANNIE

No. That’s okay. The bank’s still here. Guess I didn’t put them out of business.

FLOYD

Yeah. That and The Tin Lizzie Bar and Grill are the only things still thriving.

ANNIE

Pull over.

FLOYD

You want to get a beer?

ANNIE

I need to make a withdrawal.

FLOYD

Annie. That’s what got you sent away.

ANNIE

I won’t shoot anybody this time. (Floyd sighs and pulls the car over.) Couldn’t if I wanted to. I don’t have a gun. (Floyd stops the car and rolls down the window.) What’s this?

FLOYD

It’s Saturday. The only thing open is the drive-through.

(Tammy appears far stage left. She is in the drive-thru window. She speaks into a microphone.)

TAMMY

Welcome to Capital Savings and Loan, how may I help you?

FLOYD

Hi, Tammy.

TAMMY

Oh, hi, Floyd. That a new car?

FLOYD

New to me. (Tammy and Floyd laugh.) Merle loaned it to me. I picked up my sister Annie from the bus station.

TAMMY

Annie? Annie’s in there? Annie lean in so I can get a look at you. (Annie does. She waves.) Well, don’t you look good.

ANNIE

Thanks, Tammy. Sorry I shot your husband.

TAMMY

Oh, no need to apologize. You know, it’s been so long, I forgot. You know, Annie, just between you, me and Floyd’s borrowed wheels, that was the best thing anyone has ever done for me. Nathan wasn’t exactly a peach. I should be thanking you. I still haven’t spent all the life insurance money.

ANNIE

That’s really great to hear, Tammy.

TAMMY

Well, what can I do for you two, today? Did you want to rob us, again? (They all laugh.)

ANNIE

Stick ‘em up! (They all laugh.) Seriously, Tammy, can you put all the money you have and put it in that air tube thingy?

TAMMY

Annie, I can’t do that. I’m behind bulletproof glass. There are security cameras on me and on you. No one will believe it’s a robbery. You’ll have to come back during our regular hours do it the old-fashioned way.

ANNIE

So, you’re not going to let me rob you?

TAMMY

I’d lose my job and we’d all probably go to jail, even Floyd.

ANNIE

Okay. Okay. I just don’t know what to do with myself. I don’t have any money and I need a place to stay. Came home because Floyd is the only family I got.

TAMMY

Annie, you can stay with me.

ANNIE

You mean that?

TAMMY

Sure. Beau’s off at college. I got this big old house to myself. I insist.

ANNIE

If you don’t mind-

TAMMY

I don’t mind at all. I always felt you were a good person who just made a bad mistake.

ANNIE

Well, okay then.

FLOYD

Hey, Tammy, what time do you get off?

TAMMY

About half an hour.

FLOYD

Meet us over at the Tin Lizzie. We’ll all have a beer and get caught up.

TAMMY

Sounds good. I’ll see you over there.

ANNIE

Thanks, Tammy.

TAMMY

Thank you for coming to Capital Savings and Loan.

(Floyd and Annie pull away. Lights go down on Tammy.)

ANNIE

She’s nice. Ever try to date her?

FLOYD

Tammy? She’s out of my league.

ANNIE

Maybe I’ll give it a try.

(They laugh. Lights fade.)

Week Eight, Day 52 - “Icicles of Evil”

“Icicles of Evil”
Written by Joe Janes
3/11/09
52 of 365

CAST:
Curtis
Terry
The Icicle
Slick
Frosty
The Great Justifier

(Lights up on a 7/11 late at night. Curtis, wearing a hoodie and a knit cap, approaches Terry, the clerk.)

CURTIS

Hey, how’s it going?

TERRY

Hey…know what you want?

CURTIS

Sure, man, sure. Um, get me one of those packs of spearmint gum and…a…pack of…Viceroys.

(Terry turns away to get the items. Curtis pulls his cap down revealing it to be a ski mask. He thrusts his pocketed hand forward as if he had a gun. Terry turns back around.)

TERRY

Anything else?

CURTIS

Yeah, (reading his name tag) Terry, give me all your cash.

TERRY

Aw, c’mon, man, I was already robbed twice this week.

CURTIS

Well, third time’s a charm. Empty out the register. Just give me the bills.

(Slick and Frosty burst through the doors followed by bounty of manufactured fog and The Evil Icicle who is brandishing an ice gun which looks like some kind of sci-fi rifle.)

ICICLE

Everybody FREEZE!

TERRY

The Evil Icicle!

ICICLE

That’s right! And this is a robbery!

CURTIS

This already is a robbery, asshole.

ICICLE

Tut, tut, my fellow ski-masked fiend. (He lifts Curtis’s mask.) Just keep your cool. Slick, Frosty – grab the register.

(Slick and Frosty do so and bring it toward the door.)

CURTIS

Man, why are you trespassing on my turf?

TERRY

Don’t you usually rob stuff like banks and stuff?

ICICLE

These are tough times (reading his nametag) Terry. Banks are closing right and left and those that are left don’t have much cash on hand. I have an evil empire to run and must keep the cash flowing in by all means possible, even if it means knocking off the occasional 7/11.

CURTIS

What you’re doing is cold.

ICICLE

Thank you.

CURTIS

I mean, it’s wrong. This is my job. I need that money.

ICICLE

For what? Are you trying to bring the United Nations to its knees by controlling the world’s blizzards from outer space? No? Not on your puny agenda? I thought not. Weather machines don’t grow on trees, let me tell you.

CURTIS

You’re taking money out of my family’s mouth by stealing the money I was about to steal. My wife is going to kill me.

ICICLE

Here. Give her one of these panties shaped into a flower. (He hands Curtis one from the counter.) Sure to melt a woman’s polar-capped heart.

CURTIS

Not married are you?

ICICLE

Little busy conquering the world, right boys. (Slick and Frosty nod their heads.) Oh, and hand me your wallet.

CURTIS

Taking my gig and taking my wallet. (Hands Icicle his wallet) What kind of robber robs a robber?

ICICLE

You are hardly in my league, icehole. (Looks at Curtis’s ID in his wallet) I’m sorry, Curtis. Do you have a gun that shoots poison-tipped icicles?

CURTIS

Nope. (Shoots Icicle with is handgun) Just a gun that shoots bullets, jackass.

(Icicle collapses into Curtis.)

ICICLE

You iced, iced me, baby. Tell mommy I tried to be a good boy…so cold…so cold…

(He collapses to the floor. Slick and Frosty are stunned.)

CURTIS

You want some of this?

(Slick and Frosty run away, leaving the cash register. Curtis retrieves his wallet.)

TERRY

Dude. You probably just saved the world.

CURTIS

Yeah. I guess so.

TERRY

Take the money. It’s cool.

CURTIS

Yeah. Okay. I really do have to. The wife and all.

(The Great Justifier bursts through the door in his tights and cape.)

JUSTIFIER

Stop, Evil Icicle! The Great Justifier is here. Um, hey – Who shot the bad guy?

(Curtis shoots The Great Justifier who collapses on top of The Evil Icicle.)

TERRY

Just go.

CURTIS

Yeah, I’m out of here.

(Blackout.)