Written by Joe Janes
3/3/09
44 of 365
CAST:
Marta, 70s
Vernon, 70s
Chip, 20s
(Lights up on Chip finishing eating a bowl of ice cream. Marta and Vernon flank him and watch him.)
MARTA
Let me take that for you, Chip.CHIP
Thanks, Mrs. Moosemiller.MARTA (taking dish)
Oh, call me Marta.CHIP
That’s the best bowl of black cherry ice cream I’ve ever had… Marta.VERNON
There you go, Champ. And you can call me, Vernon. We’re all adults, here.CHIP
Okay…Vernon.MARTA
I’ll go throw this in the dishwasher and then go slip in to something more comfortable.(She exits.)
CHIP
O-kay. Gosh, look at the time. I can’t believe it’s-VERNON
6:30pm? Yep, time flies when you’re having fun with other grown-ups. (Gets up) You know, Chip, I’m glad we have a few minutes alone. Have a little talk, bang it out, man-on-man. That Marta. She’s a wonder in the kitchen.CHIP
I’ll say. I never knew scalloped potatoes could be so darn good.VERNON
They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.CHIP
Guess I know why you’ve been married all these years. Married. To each other. She won your heart. Through your stomach. It’s true what they say. About hearts and stomachs.VERNON
It’s hogwash. Good cooking gets your attention. You want to keep a man; you’re got to aim a little lower. Know what I mean? You know what I mean. You do know what I mean, right?CHIP
Yeah. I think so. VERNON
Marta not only knows how to cook in the kitchen, she knows how to cook in other rooms. In fact, every room in this house. And the driveway. It’s an embarrassment of riches for a man like me. Makes me want to share what I have. With special people. You’re like a son, to me, Chip. A son I’d like to see lying naked with my wife. CHIP
Okay, Mr. Moosemiller. I really have to –(Marta enters. She stands between Chip and the front door. She is dressed in little old lady bedclothes, curlers in hair, big robe and slippers.)
MARTA
What’s the matter, Chip? Is something wrong?CHIP
Mrs. Moosemiller –MARTA
Marta.CHIP
Mrs. Moosemiller. All night long, you and Mr. Moosemiller have been dropping hints at me. From the orgy jigsaw puzzle to the spiked lemonade and now Mr. Moosemiller has made it abundantly clear that you all are hoping for some kind of sick sexual escapade with me and I’m not interested. I’m sorry. MARTA
Oh, Chip; there must be some kind of misunderstanding. I mean, look at me. Do I look like I’m ready for some risqué romp with a neighborhood boy? I don’t know what Vernon said to you, but we really just wanted to spend some time with you. We’ve watched you grow up and we’re so proud of you. Please don’t go rushing off.VERNON
Hay, Chip, I’ve had a few, I guess. I may have said a thing or two out of turn. MARTA
Just ignore him, like I’ve learned to do.VERNON
Hey, we still have a Roman palace jigsaw puzzle to bang out.CHIP
Well, okay, I guess. But not much longer. My parents will wonder about me. (Chip walks back over to the jigsaw table.)
MARTA
We could do that. But there might be something more interesting we could try.(Marta removes her robe revealing she is wearing a little old lady nightgown and a strap-on dildo. Chip averts his eyes back to the puzzle.)
CHIP
Oh, look, I found the emperor's cervix. (Lights out)
