Written by Joe Janes
44 of 365
(Lights up on Chip finishing eating a bowl of ice cream. Marta and Vernon flank him and watch him.)
MARTALet me take that for you, Chip.
CHIPThanks, Mrs. Moosemiller.
MARTA (taking dish)Oh, call me Marta.
CHIPThat’s the best bowl of black cherry ice cream I’ve ever had… Marta.
VERNONThere you go, Champ. And you can call me, Vernon. We’re all adults, here.
MARTAI’ll go throw this in the dishwasher and then go slip in to something more comfortable.
CHIPO-kay. Gosh, look at the time. I can’t believe it’s-
VERNON6:30pm? Yep, time flies when you’re having fun with other grown-ups. (Gets up) You know, Chip, I’m glad we have a few minutes alone. Have a little talk, bang it out, man-on-man. That Marta. She’s a wonder in the kitchen.
CHIPI’ll say. I never knew scalloped potatoes could be so darn good.
VERNONThey say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.
CHIPGuess I know why you’ve been married all these years. Married. To each other. She won your heart. Through your stomach. It’s true what they say. About hearts and stomachs.
VERNONIt’s hogwash. Good cooking gets your attention. You want to keep a man; you’re got to aim a little lower. Know what I mean? You know what I mean. You do know what I mean, right?
CHIPYeah. I think so.
VERNONMarta not only knows how to cook in the kitchen, she knows how to cook in other rooms. In fact, every room in this house. And the driveway. It’s an embarrassment of riches for a man like me. Makes me want to share what I have. With special people. You’re like a son, to me, Chip. A son I’d like to see lying naked with my wife.
CHIPOkay, Mr. Moosemiller. I really have to –
(Marta enters. She stands between Chip and the front door. She is dressed in little old lady bedclothes, curlers in hair, big robe and slippers.)
MARTAWhat’s the matter, Chip? Is something wrong?
CHIPMrs. Moosemiller –
CHIPMrs. Moosemiller. All night long, you and Mr. Moosemiller have been dropping hints at me. From the orgy jigsaw puzzle to the spiked lemonade and now Mr. Moosemiller has made it abundantly clear that you all are hoping for some kind of sick sexual escapade with me and I’m not interested. I’m sorry.
MARTAOh, Chip; there must be some kind of misunderstanding. I mean, look at me. Do I look like I’m ready for some risqué romp with a neighborhood boy? I don’t know what Vernon said to you, but we really just wanted to spend some time with you. We’ve watched you grow up and we’re so proud of you. Please don’t go rushing off.
VERNONHay, Chip, I’ve had a few, I guess. I may have said a thing or two out of turn.
MARTAJust ignore him, like I’ve learned to do.
VERNONHey, we still have a Roman palace jigsaw puzzle to bang out.
CHIPWell, okay, I guess. But not much longer. My parents will wonder about me.
(Chip walks back over to the jigsaw table.)
MARTAWe could do that. But there might be something more interesting we could try.
(Marta removes her robe revealing she is wearing a little old lady nightgown and a strap-on dildo. Chip averts his eyes back to the puzzle.)
CHIPOh, look, I found the emperor's cervix.