Week 38, Day 265 - "Happy Alzheimer's"

“Happy Alzheimer’s”

Written by Joe Janes

10/10/09

265 of 365

CAST

Helen, 70s

Don, 50s

Bob, 40s

Joe, 40s

(Lights up on Don and Bob standing near a seated Helen. Helen has a comforter over her lap and is only slightly aware of their presence. Don kneels down to talk to her.)

DON

Hey, Mom. Happy birthday. Bob and I are here to wish you a happy birthday.

BOB

Happy birthday, Mom.

HELEN

That’s nice. You’re good boys.

(Joe enters.)

JOE

Hey.

DON

Didn’t think you were coming.

JOE

I’m here, right? (He kneels down to talk to his mother.) Hi, mom. It’s Joe. Happy birthday. Did you like your card? You gave her a card, right?

BOB

We gave her a card.

JOE

With my name on it?

BOB

You weren’t here.

(Joe sees the cards on a nearby dresser. He grabs one and scribbles his name on it.)

JOE

Here you go, Mom. I got you a card.

HELEN (She looks at it)

Oh, my, that’s nice. Look at that. Those flowers are pretty. “Like two flowers in a vase, we brighten each other’s day, as only sisters can. Love, your sister Elsie… and Joe.” That’s nice. You’re a good boy.

JOE

Are we taking her out to dinner?

DON

The nursing home said it wasn’t a good idea. She’s been getting worse.

JOE

Looks okay to me. I mean, okay for mom.

BOB

We were just going to spend a little more time and then go hit a bar.

JOE

I like that plan, but I’m torn. It’s her birthday. She won’t be around much longer. I want her to have a great birthday.

DON

Even if we did take her out, she won’t remember it tomorrow.

JOE

Good point. Let’s give her the best birthday she’s ever had. (Don and Bob look at each other quizzically.) Hey, Mom. How was your birthday? Wasn’t it the best ever?

HELEN

It’s my birthday. Oh, look, someone gave me a card. (She reads it.) That’s nice.

JOE

Did you enjoy your birthday dinner?

HELEN

I love The Olive Garden.

JOE

Really? That’s where we took you?

DON

Five years ago.

HELEN

They have the best breadsticks and fettuccine alfredo. And all the waiters and waitresses sang “Happy Birthday to me.” And your father was being so funny, “Never ending pasta bowl, more like never ending toilet bowl.” (She laughs.) Such a card.

BOB

Mom, Dad-

(Don stops him with a hand on Bob’s arm.)

DON

Did you like your present?

HELEN

I did. (She looks a round the room.) I must have put it away already. It was the prettiest dress from The Fashion Bug. I’m going to wear it Sunday to church.

JOE

You really enjoyed your birthday.

HELEN

You boys are so good to me. It was the best birthday I can remember ever having.

BOB

Did you get everything you wanted?

HELEN

Well…

JOE

The sky’s the limit, Mom.

HELEN

I’ve always wanted a pony. (The guy’s all look at each other.)

DON

A pony?

BOB

We got you one.

JOE

Yeah. Don’t you remember, Mom?

HELEN

Oh, yes (she doesn’t.)

JOE

You named him Chestnut.

DON

He’s out back.

HELEN

Can I see him, again?

BOB

He’s sleeping.

JOE

He’s sleeping. You can see him in the morning. You must be exhausted from your busy day.

HELEN

I am.

JOE

Okay, Mom. Love you. I’ll see you the next time I’m in town. (He kisses her on the cheek.)

BOB

Bye, Mom. I love you. (He hugs her.)

DON

Love you, Mom. (He hugs her and kisses her on the forehead.) Happy birthday.

(The guys head to the door.)

HELEN

I would never name a horse Chestnut.

(The guys all turn and guiltily look at her.)

HELEN (continuing)

Tomorrow, I’ll rename him Applejack.

JOE

Much better name, Mom.

DON

Love it.

BOB

He’s definitely an Applejack.

JOE (through his teeth)

Let’s go hit that bar.

(They exit. Helen dozes off and then opens her eyes and looks around. She looks confused. She notices the card in her hand.)

HELEN

Oh, look. Someone gave me a card. I don’t have a sister Joe.

(She dozes off again as lights fade.)

elen has

Week 37, Day 254 - "The Last Unicorn"

“The Last Unicorn”

Written by Joe Janes

9/29/09

254 of 365

CAST

Caitlin, 6

Barbara, 30s

Beau, 30s

Unicorn

(Lights up on the Beagle family singing happy birthday to six-year-old Caitlin Beagle. Caitlin makes a wish and blows out the candles on her cake. Everyone cheers. Beau hands her a present.)

BEAU

I bet I know what my little princess wished for.

CAITLIN

Is it in there?

BEAU

Better open it and find out.

(She opens it and pulls out a small stuffed unicorn. She looks disappointed.)

BARBARA

What’s the matter, Caitlin? I thought you wanted a unicorn.

CAITLIN

I wanted a real unicorn.

BARBARA

Honey, unicorns aren’t real.

CAITLIN

Daddy said they were.

BARABRA

Beau.

BEAU

I told her I’d look into it. And I did, princess. Daddy looked into getting you a real unicorn.

BARBARA (through her teeth)

After all the bullshit we went through with the Tooth Fairy, how could you do this? (To Caitlin) Honey, you remember the conversation we had about the tooth fairy?

CAITLIN

Yes, Mommy.

BARBARA

And about Santa Claus, the Easter Bunny and grandpa’s good friend Jack Daniels.

CAITLIN

None of them are real, but Daddy said he’d get me a unicorn. A for real one.

BARBARA

Daddy sometimes says things he doesn’t mean because he loves you so much.

BEAU

Barbara…I found one. I did. A guy at work knew a guy who knew a guy who put a used one up on Craig’s List.

CAITLIN

You got me one, Daddy?

BEAU

Yes, sweetheart. But, I’m going to take it back. It’s real sick or something.

BARBARA

Beau, we need to tell her the truth. Like we said we would do.

BEAU

It’s the truth, Barbara. I swear. This thing’s real, but, man, there’s something wrong.

CAITLIN

I want to see my unicorn.

BEAU

I’ll go get it. It’s in the garage. But, Caitlin, sweetie, really, don’t get attached. We’re going to take it back.

(He exits.)

BARBARA

I don’t know what daddy’s pulling here, Caitlin.

CAITLIN

He said he would get me a unicorn and he did. I love my daddy. Don’t you love Daddy, Mommy?

BARBARA

Sometimes. (She catches herself) And by that I mean all the time, yeah!

(Beau re-enters holding a reign.)

BEAU

Okay, Caitlin. Now, don’t get too close. Like I said, there’s something wrong with it. It’s sick or something.

(Beau walks the unicorn in. It is the most un-unicorn looking man in a white wig, dirty white leotard and tights with a horn and tail. It is a unicorn, but, man, it is not pretty.)

CAITLIN

Yeah!

BARBARA

What the hell?

BEAU

Don’t get too close, Caitlin.

(The unicorn looks around. It looks like a strung out drug addict.)

CAITLIN

I’m going to give it a great big hug!

(Caitlin runs up to him and hugs him. The unicorn coughs.)

BEAU

Okay, okay, but be careful. Don’t squeeze too hard. Stuff comes out of it.

BARBARA

Like what? Oh, dear God. (While Caitlin is enjoying her hug, Barbara and Beau catch wind of some noxious unicorn gas.)

BEAU

You see. He’s sick. It’s a bad, smelly, goopy unicorn.

BARBARA

You should take him to the vet’s.

BEAU

I did. He told me there’s nothing he can do. It’s one old, sick dying unicorn. But it’s the only one I could find. The guy I bought it from said he was taking good care of it. Feeding it oats and hay.

CAITLIN

That’s silly. Unicorns don’t eat oats and hay.

BEAU

What do unicorns eat, Caitlin?

CAITLIN

Marshmallows and rainbows.

(The unicorn perks up when he hears this.)

CAITLIN

See. He likes it. I’m going to call him Abraham Lincoln.

BEAU

I’ll go get some marshmallows.

(He exits. Caitlin continues to hug the sickly unicorn who spits up on the carpet.)

BARBARA

Honey, make sure you wash your hands. (The unicorn starts licking Caitlin’s head.) And your skull.

(Beau rushes back in and puts a bag of marshmallows up to the unicorn who starts to enthusiastically eat them like oats from a feedbag.)

CAITLIN

You see, you see. He’s all better. Can we keep him? Can we keep him?

BARBARA

I guess. But he’ll have to stay in the garage. (To Beau) She does seem happy.

BEAU

Yeah. For now. The vet told me something else. He has unicorn aids.

CAITLIN (hugging the unicorn)

I love you, Abraham Lincoln!

BARBARA

We’ll put him down tomorrow.

BEAU

And tell Caitlin he went to stay on a big farm?

(They do a small fist bump while watching Caitlin enjoys her unicorn. The unicorn coughs up a little blood. Lights fade.)

Week 22, day 150 - “My Father’s Beret”

“My Father’s Beret”
Written by Joe Janes
6/17/09
150 of 365

CAST:
Mother, 60s
Gabriel, 30s
Tabitha. 20s
Buck, 40s
Katrina, 30s
Katrina’s father, 60s
Fogo de Chao server, 20s


(Lights up on Gabriel and his mother in a coffee shop. Katrina, wearing a yellow bonnet, screams, running by the window behind them. Gabriel sees this. His mother holds out her teacup and saucer to him.)

GABRIEL

Did you see-?

MOTHER

Try this jasmine tea, Gabriel.

GABRIEL

Oh, that’s okay-

MOTHER

My arm is getting tired.

GABRIEL

Oh, okay. (He sips.) That’s nice, Mom.

MOTHER

Don’t you want to order one? Go ahead and order one. It’s your birthday.

GABRIEL

You just want me to find another reason to talk to the barista.

MOTHER

She’s a cutey pie. Couldn’t you just picture her covered in meringue?

GABRIEL

Yes. I could.

MOTHER

And I didn’t see a ring on her finger.

GABRIEL

I’m fine with my soy latte.

MOTHER

Okay. Just thought being your birthday and all. Live it up, Gabriel. Oh, that reminds me. Speaking of living it up.

(She reaches under the table and brings out a gift box.)

GABRIEL

Oh, you didn’t have to do that, Mom.

MOTHER

Of course, I did. You’re my boy. You’re a man. A fully-grown man. Living alone. With cats. But you’ll always be my boy. Open it.

(He does and he pulls out a black beret.)

GABRIEL

It’s a… beret?

MOTHER

Not just any beret, Gabriel. That beret belonged to your father. He was wearing it when we met. He looked very dashing in it and you will, too. Try it on.

GABRIEL

Oh, boy. (He reluctantly puts it on) Thanks, Mom.

MOTHER (adjusting it on his head)

Oh, my. Look at you. You are going to break a lot of hearts with that beret.

TABITHA

You folks doing all right over here?

MOTHER

It’s Gabriel’s birthday.

GABRIEL

Mom.

TABITHA

Happy Birthday, Gabriel. That is the most fantastic beret I have ever seen on a man. May I give you a birthday kiss?

GABRIEL

Well, I-

TABITHA

If you say no, I will die.

MOTHER

Say yes.

GABRIEL

Yes!

(Tabitha gets in his lap and gives him a big ol’ kiss. It lasts for a while. Buck, the manager enters.)

BUCK

Tabitha! This is highly inappropriate.

(Tabitha gets up quickly and adjusts herself.)

TABITHA

I’m sorry, Buck. I just couldn’t help myself.

BUCK

Turn in your apron, young lady.

(Tabitha takes off her apron.)

TABITHA

Buck. I need this job-

GABRIEL

Give her another chance; it’s my fault, really-

BUCK

You, sir! How dare you come into my establishment looking so god damn handsome. (Buck starts kissing Gabriel) It should be against the law.

GABRIEL

It might be a health code violation.

TABITHA

Save some for me, Buck.

(Tabitha tries to get some Gabriel action.)

GABRIEL

Mom! What have you done?

MOTHER

Nothing, son! It’s just your father’s hat. But you do look quite fetching in it. Meow!

(She starts rubbing Gabriel’s leg. He screams and runs out. We follow him outside the coffee shop in the alley. He takes off the hat and leans against the wall, out of breath. He hears Katrina sobbing softly.)

GABRIEL

Who’s there?

KATRINA

I’m sorry. I just came running out here from the restaurant next door.

GABRIEL

Fogo de Chau?

KATRINA

It’s really way too much meat. I had to get away.

GABRIEL

What’s that you’re holding?

KATRINA

It’s a yellow bonnet that belonged to my grandmother. My father gave it to me. I think it’s cursed.

GABRIEL

Put it on.

KATRINA

You don’t understand.

GABRIEL

Put it on.

(She does. Gabriel checks her out.)

GABRIEL (continuing)

Wow. It makes your eyes come alive. (He puts on his beret.) This belonged to my father.

KATRINA

It brings out your rugged jaw line. I want to cling to it like I was hanging off the edge of a cliff.

(They kiss. Katrina’s father, Gabriel’s mother, Tabitha, Buck, a Fogo de Chau server with a saber full of meat come into the alley.)

KATRINA’S FATHER

There they are!

(The mob rushes them. They quickly take off their headwear and the crowd suddenly stops as if quickly waking from a hypnotic state. They all wander off, leaving Katrina and Gabriel. Katrina and Gabriel kiss without the hats on. They shyly put the hats back on and kiss passionately. Lights fade.)

Week 16, Day 107 - "Hippy Bathday"

“Hippy Bathday”
Written by Joe Janes
5/5/09
107 of 365

CAST:
Amber, 20s
Spike the delivery dude
Computer Voice
As Many Co-workers As Possible

(Lights up on as many people as possible, all office workers, busy at their various desks with the occasional cross-overs to deliver a piece of paper or two to someone else. One desk somewhere amongst other desks down stage left is empty. Amber enters up stage right in a business outfit and tennis shoes. She enters slightly flustered and makes it to her desk. She looks around and sees, to her disappointment, that no one has noticed her missing or coming in late. She shrugs, sets down her bag and sits. She looks for something on her desk and its not there. Nor is it on anyone else’s desk. She checks her watch. With the least amount attention possible, she begins to work while obviously anxiously awaiting something. Spike the delivery dude enters stage right with flowers. He looks around the room. Amber quickly flags him over, but then goes back to work so she can act surprised by him. He makes his way to her desk while attracting very little attention from the others. Amber acts surprised by his appearance. He rolls his eyes and has her sign her name on a clipboard. He hands her the flowers. He waits a moment for her to tip. She has no idea why he is waiting. He rolls his eyes and leaves. Amber acts flattered at receiving flowers and looks around to see if anyone has noticed. She opens the card and laughs, then sighs at the thoughtful flirty amusement someone has written for her. A sole nearby co-worker has noticed her and stares for a moment. Then that person goes back to work. Amber looks sad by the lack of attention. She gets an idea. She quickly types up something on her computer. She then opens her bag and pulls out a single candled birthday cake. She lights the candle and presses a button on her computer. We hear a computer voice recite the lyrics to “Happy Birthday to You” which she typed quickly and without spellchecking, so what we really hear is…)

COMPUTER VOICE

Hippy Bathday to Goo
Hippy Bathday to Goo
Hippy Bathday dear Amber
Hippy Bathday to Goo
And many more.

(The whole office turns and looks. She makes a wish and blows out the candle. )

AMBER

Look. Cake.

(All the co-workers descend upon her desk and quickly leave with a slice of cake each. All that is left is her candle. She quietly burns with anger and types. She hits the “text to speech” button.)

COMPUTER VOICE

Fug all of you.

(Amber sighs. Blackout.)