Monday, June 30, 2008

Fried Bullets

According to The New York Times, an average of 81 people a day in this country die from gunfire. This statistic does not include injuries.

Last week, the Supreme court held up as constitutional, the right for Americans to own handguns.

According to the American Heart Association, an average of 2,300 people a day die from heart disease.

Tomorrow, New York bans the use of trans fat in all restaurants.

In the realm of dietary dangers, trans fats rank very high. It has been estimated that trans fats are responsible for some 30,000 early deaths a year in the United States. Worldwide the toll of premature deaths is in the millions.

We're on the right track here. The evidence is clear. Americans are responsible enough to keep firearms, but not order for themselves in a restaurant.

Last year alone, a man in Queens accidentally killed his wife while cleaning his onion ring. Realizing how much more lethal trans-fats are, gangs are expected to load up on butter pats and sling shots. Drive by shootings will now be known as drive-thru shootings. The NRA is grateful for the courts revelations and, as such, has started a new campaign.

"Guns don't kill, french fries do."


Last Friday, I asked...

"The Starlight Theater in Wilmette, Illinois has canceled its production of the musical 'Ragtime' because of what?"

28% said "Couldn't find enough black actors in Wilmette."
- Wilmette has black people. They just aren't black enough.

15% said "Thought it had more ragtime in it."
- Hey, that was my complaint. More Coalhouse jamming on the piano and less Coalhouse blowing things up.

No one thought anyone was dumb enough for "Confused it for "Menopause: the Musical."

57% got it right with "It uses the N-word."

According to The Chicago Sun-Times, Wilmette Park District Executive Director Tom Grisamore said he made the decision to pull the show 12 days after learning the details of dialogue and lyrics that include use of the "n-word." Licensing agents for the show declined a request to rewrite parts of the lyrics, so it was dropped.

Hey, Grisamore - Exactly how would they rewrite the "n-word" and keep the same impact? "Make him apologize for calling me a ruffian!" doesn't quite pack the same punch. Idiot.

Friday, June 27, 2008

Don't Tell Nat!

Thanks, Paul!

See Less Evil or From "C" to Shining "C"

The Toronto Star reported yesterday...

North Korea, one of the world's most secretive countries, moved a step closer to the international fold yesterday by handing in an overdue account of its nuclear activities.

"Today, we have taken a step toward a nuclear-free Korean peninsula," said U.S. President George W. Bush, adding that, in a policy of "action for action," Washington would lift some trade sanctions and end Pyongyang's designation as a state sponsor of terrorism within 45 days.

Read the rest of the article HERE.

What will become of Bush's Axis of Evil, that pole upon which evil spins like a diabolical mirrored disco ball of mayhem? Iraq has been handled, right? Iran is being dealt with. Now, North Korea is off the hook?

Well, let's take a closer look at this, shall we?

Bush, self-proclaimed "The Decider," based his decision on an account submitted by North Korea that was six months late. Given our president partied his way through Harvard with a "C" average, his decision is not surprising.

For most rational people, the missed deadline alone would merit a "no pass" unless accompanied by a doctor's note or death certificate. Since North Korea's roommate, South Korea, did not commit suicide, they cannot claim any type of bereavement exemption.

The actual document accounting the nuclear program is itself under criticism.

I have seen the document and it raises a lot of familiar red flags to this college professor. Here's what makes the paper so suspect to accuracy...

- Even though late, telltale coffee stains and chocolate smudges suggest North Korea pulled an all nighter to get it in.

- It is riddled with typos. Nuclear is spelled nukler. (Bush, of course, thought this was correct)

- A large segment explaining uranium production lifted directly from Wikipedia.

- Name at top of paper clearly written over Wite-Out.

- Last paragraph blatantly sucks up to Bush as being an "awesome" world leader who has opened North Korea's eyes and taught them a lot of stuff they'll remember for a real long time.

- Kim Jong Il sent the document to Bush along with a Harry and David's Moose Munch Party Drum.(By the way, this tactic always works with me in preventing a failing grade.)

Our "president" didn't get to where he is by honoring accurate, complete and on-time work. He goes with his gut. North Korea is no longer evil. Just a little uppity.


Robowriters meets Saturday at 1pm at Gorilla Tango, 1919 North Milwaukee. $5. It is open to everyone. Come have a sketch read or come get ideas for new scenes.


Yesterday, I asked...

"The Spanish Parliament has approved a resolution extending rights to life and freedom to whom?"

33% said "Basques"
- Touchy subject. Basques have those rights as long as they don't ask for them.

22% said "Gays"
- Spaniards are by nature already a little gay. Check out their hats and matador outfits.

12% said "Jews"
- They are only covered when they vacation there in the summer.

33% got it right with "Apes"

According to Reuters, Spain's parliament voiced its support on Wednesday for the rights of great apes to life and freedom in what will apparently be the first time any national legislature has called for such rights for non-humans.

Keeping apes for animal testing, circuses, television commercials or filming will also be forbidden and breaking the new laws will become an offense under Spain's penal code.

The resolution has made apes very happy while simultaneously pissing off a lot of bulls.

The World Is Now Formally Less Evil


Yesterday, I asked...

"The Spanish Parliament has approved a resolution extending rights to life and freedom to whom?"

Thursday, June 26, 2008

Dubious Dubai


Yesterday, I asked...

"Wow! Which of the following is NOT a feature planned for an 80-story building by architect Dr. David Fisher to be built in Dubai?"

50% said "Each floor rotates"
- This is its main feature because, for some reason, they think a perpetual vomit-inducer is a good idea.

No one went for "Entire building is powered by wind turbines" or "Penthouse residents can park cars in their apartments"

50% got it right with what the building will NOT have and that's "Five stories devoted to an indoor rainforest"

According to CBS News, Italian architect Dr. David Fisher announced on Tuesday the launch of a revolutionary skyscraper in Dubai dubbed as the "world's first building in motion," an 80-story tower with revolving floors that give it an ever-shifting shape.

Sales of individual apartments will begin in September, with asking prices of around $3,000 per square foot. The smallest, at 1,330 square feet, would cost about $4 million and the largest, a 12,900-square-foot villa, $38.7 million.

I already live like this. The wooden floors in my crappy ass apartment are starting to warp. Don't tell my landlord. He'll jack up the price.

Wednesday, June 25, 2008

The Hollywood Version

Hear that sound? That's me. Quickly clacking at the typewriter working on my own million-dollar Hollywood screenplay version of the 2008 presidential election, I have begun sending out feelers to the stars. If I can get someone attached to it, it will help me sell it to the studios. By sending out feelers, I mean "wishing really hard." If you know any of these people personally, please get me in touch with them.

Here's who I am thinking about...

Barack Obama

Hillary Clinton

John McCain

I smell blockbuster. And some BenGay.

(sidenote: Jason Meyer tipped me off to WKRP in Cincinnati being available on Hulu. Check it out. It's one of the best sitcoms of all time. Even though they wrestled with securing rights to the music used at the time - and lost - the writing and stellar ensemble are still present.)


Yesterday, I asked...

"Jessica Bruinsma of Colorado was stranded in the Bavarian Alps and was rescued with the aid of her what?"

12% said "Pepper Spray"
- She just had that on hand for those pesky goats.

No one went for ""O" Magazine" or "Trusty St. Bernard"

88% got it right with "Sports Bra"

According to The Associated Press, Berchtesgaden police officer Lorenz Rasp said that he helped lift 24-year-old Jessica Bruinsma of Colorado state to safety by helicopter on Thursday after she attracted the attention of lumberjacks by attaching her sports bra to a cable used to move timber down the mountain. The rescue occurred, of course, after the lumberjacks took turns trying on said brassiere.

Here's is a photo taken just after Jessica's recovery.

Tuesday, June 24, 2008

Robots and Dinosaurs

Folks looking for the weekly Robowriters sketch writing assignment can look for it HERE.

Robot vs Dinosaur-Chicago is in the early stages of developing a web page to keep you up to date on all things RvD. You can also vote in the weekly Robot vs Dinosaur battle. This week, The Terminator (model T=101) goes a cyborg a mutant lizard with Godzilla.

The place is a work in progress that we'll tinker with and update every week until we get it looking all sweet.


Yesterday, I asked...

"John McCain is proposing a $300 million prize to anyone who can do what?"

25% said "create an energy source out of excrement"
- I think his speech writers are already working on that.

No one said "put a man on Mars in a year" or "drink a beer on their head, naked"
- Both scientific feats requiring breaking the law of gravity.

75% got it right with "develop a better automobile battery"

According to The Associated Press, the presumed Republican nominee is proposing a $300 million government prize to whoever can develop an automobile battery that far surpasses existing technology. "a small price to pay for helping to break the back of our oil dependency," McCain said.

This from the man calling for more offshore drilling for oil. What kind of intervention program does he want us to enter? "We're going to kick booze by robbing a liquor store while increasing our number of AA meetings!"

John McCain's energy adviser...

Monday, June 23, 2008

Occupation: Foole

Sadly, George Carlin has passed away. At 71 years old, he is a successful comedian who did NOT mellow with age. I was fortunate - or perhaps not fortunate - to have parents who didn't care that I listened to his albums. I could name the seven words you can't say of television (at the time) long before I could name the first seven presidents. In fact, don't quiz me on that. I still know one much better than the other.

A very important comedian. He took what Lenny Bruce started and made it, well, funny. He laid a foundation for Jerry Seinfeld and David Brenner by talking about the things we all think about, but don't even realize we think about it. He opened the door for Sam Kinison by not backing off from issues that pissed him off.

I saw George Carlin in person when I was a senior in high school at the Toledo Masonic Auditorium. It was the end of the seventies and, although thrilled to death to see him, you could see him beginning to tire of his "chestnuts" and the 80's would see him starting to reinvent himself through books and HBO specials. He never tried to be someone he was not. Even in his 70's, he was comfortable being an "old fucker" and had a very pragmatic view of the world.

Here's hoping he's looking up yelling at us.


On Friday, I asked...

"Sega has created a new robot that they are marketing specifically to whom?"

No one said "Mining Companies" or "Hospitals"
- That's way to sensible!

10% said "Marketing Firms" - They already use robots. Who do you think writes their copy? Humans?

90% got it right with "Lonely adult men"

According to The New Zealand Herald, a Japanese firm has produced a 38 cm (15 inch) tall robotic girlfriend that kisses on command, to go on sale in September for around US$175, with a target market of lonely adult men.

"Strong, tough and battle-ready are some of the words often associated with robots, but we wanted to break that stereotype and provide a robot that's sweet and interactive," said Minako Sakanoue, a spokeswoman for the maker, Sega Toys.

"She's very lovable and though she's not a human, she can act like a real girlfriend."

Well, at 15 inches tall, she's not going to be able to do everything a girlfriend can do. Like laundry!

Ahem. Mine's on order.

Friday, June 20, 2008


Read this over at The Huffington Post...

WASHINGTON — The world's population will reach 7 billion in 2012, even as the global community struggles to satisfy its appetite for natural resources, according to a new government projection.

There are 6.7 billion people in the world today. The United States ranks third, with 304 million, behind China and India, according to projections released Thursday by the Census Bureau.

The world's population surpassed 6 billion in 1999, meaning it will take only 13 years to add a billion people.

By comparison, the number of people didn't reach 1 billion until 1800, said Carl Haub, a demographer at the Population Reference Bureau. It didn't reach 2 billion until 130 years later.

You can read the rest of this article HERE.

So, why the big leaps and bounds in population?

Here's one factor...

BOSTON (Reuters) - A Massachusetts city is investigating an apparent teenage "pregnancy pact" that has at least 17 high-school girls expecting babies, four times more than last year, including many aged 16 or younger.

"Some girls seemed more upset when they weren't pregnant than when they were," Gloucester High School principal Joseph Sullivan told Time magazine, which broke news of the pact on its Web site.

Local officials said at least some of the men involved in the pregnancies were in their mid-20s, including one man who appeared to be homeless. Others were boys in the school.

Read the rest of this article HERE.

Clearly, what's going on is that we have more people than we can sustain on this planet. Our world is unable to keep its south pole in its pants. Our purple mountain majesties are nothing but whores. Sleeping with homeless people to get pregnant? Keep that up, and they'll start asking me for more than spare change. "Dollar? How about a nooner in the alley? Bless you."

Our system for population control is broke and, like Obama, I have a plan for change.

More than one. Take your pick. Or do all four to be the most effective.

- Hunting babies. When a deer population gets out of control, state and local officials open up the deer season parameters. If you think you might be to squeamish to shoot a cute baby foraging for food in the woods, set traps. But check them regularly. Nothing worse than finding a baby has gummed off his arm to escape.

- Enslave babies. Train them to be indentured servants. Every new baby has to be able to pull his or her own weight. This will also deplete the demand for illegal immigrants.

- Birth control by age five. Girls are getting pregnant earlier and earlier. They should get their tubes tied along with learning how to tie their shoes. And boys should get their first vasectomy with their first haircut.

- More celebrities need to adopt third world babies. The threat of a baby being adopted by a Madonna or Angelina should be enough to deter future pregnancies all over the world, but it's not. Come on Bono, Sting and Oprah, time to step up to the baby plate. And if the threat of them as parents isn't enough to shrivel ovaries and testicles all over the world - let's get some really scary celebs dealing in - Come on Ann Heche, Paris Hilton and Larry the Cable Guy - the planet needs you!


BRING OUT YOUR SKETCHES! 1pm. Gorilla Tango. 1919 North Milwaukee, near Western. $5.


Yesterday, I asked...

"A gang of female bandits in Central Florida have distinguished themselves by dressing as what?"

20% said "Strippers"
- Strippers already steal your money. It's ridiculous. It's like dumping a load of money to just look at a dessert tray. So I've heard.

20% said "Cheerleaders"
- Too threatening. Potential victims tend to be elderly people with brittle bones who would avoid perky bouncing women with flailing arms.

20% said "Men"
- The victims just thought they were being attacked by aging lesbians.

40% got it right with "Nurses"

According to Local 6 News, a gang of female bandits dressed in nursing costumes is stalking and targeting women and elderly shoppers at Central Florida businesses.

I don't really understand how being dressed as a nurse makes anyone comfortable enough to be robbed. They're vampires in white polyester. They are either going to stick me with a needle or make me pee or poop in something. Although, I can see why this helps in robbing elderly people."Take my money, just leave me what blood I have left!"

Thursday, June 19, 2008

Gnus Whiz


Peas, corn, black beans, and now... sea weed. He goes nuts for it. My other cat saw him chowing down on some and went to check it out. She gave it a sniff and just looked at him sideways.


Yesterday, I asked...

"Vancouver, Canada on Monday saw the fifth incident of what washing up onshore?"

No one thought it was "Giant Squid," "Medical Waste," or "Disgruntled Americans" even though I thought each answer was quite plausible

100% got it right with "Human Feet"

According to The Times Online, a sixth human foot, wearing an Adidas training shoe, bobbed ashore near Vancouver Tuesday in a grisly mystery that has gripped Canada. The discovery of five right feet and one left foot has spawned wildly contrasting theories about their origin, ranging from murders by biker gangs to the floating remains of Asian tsunami victims. My guess, somewhere out there is a very unlucky giant rabbit who keeps losing the charms off his key chain.

Wednesday, June 18, 2008

Kiss It

Today's post goes beyond the usual snarky commentary and addresses something very important to all of us - kissing.

In a relationship, it's a make or break deal. You can be a match all across the board, but if the parts don't fit right in a lip-lock, forget it. For me, the deal-breaker is kisses that are too sloppy and wet. I don't want to continuously pause the romance to put on a lobster bib or grab at paper towels.

Fortunately, Ronnie Koenig has compiled a list of tips on how to be a better kisser over at the website Tango. Generally, all pretty good tips with some being a matter of personal taste. For example, tip number one is Let Him Initiate. Aside from being sexist, confusing to homosexuals and not including lesbians, I don't agree with it. I think it depends on the situation.

Here are the only absolute times when a man should initiate a kiss...

- When the woman is bound and gagged. A woman, particularly a gagged woman, might not think you are interested in a kiss and will likely shy away from offering one. Here, it makes for an important romantic gesture that tells your partner you're interested in more than just degrading her. I find an open mouth kiss helpful in negotiating around a ball gag. (side note: If you are a man and you are the one bound and gagged - do not initiate a kiss. Good rule of thumb: The person with the riding crop and nipple clamps decides what gets kissed and when.)

- At the end of a job interview. If the person interviewing me for a position is a woman, I will always end with a big smooch. I think this shows confidence and a definite interest in working for the company.

- At a funeral. A widow has just lost her husband and needs reassurance that she's still attractive and that life will go on. Nothing says this better than a lively tongue down a grieving throat.

Other than these situations, ladies, if you want a kiss, go for it. Guys are dumb. We don't always read the signs. We still may not get it after you grab us and plant one on us.


Yesterday, I asked...

"Victor Rodriguez of Bridgeport, Connecticut is under arrest after doing what?"

40% said "Scaring drive-thru workers with his pet python"
- These people have seen everything. I doubt they'd give it a second glance, unless he tried to pay for his meal with it.

40% said "Wearing only his pet python outdoors"
- Hmm, a py-thong?

No one said "Selling his pet python in an alley"

20% got it right with "Ordering his pet python to attack the police"

According to The Connecticut Post, officers dispatched to investigate a domestic complaint in Bridgeport were confronted by a man and his huge pet reptile, "and he was saying, 'Get them!' " according to Lt. James Viadero, the police spokesman.

Victor Rodriguez, 21, was allegedly threatening his girlfriend with the reptile and refused to open the door for the officers.

Not known for their attacking - or listening - skills, no one was attacked by the snake. Rodriguez was taken away in handcuffs. The snake managed to slip out of his shackles and is now considered to be on the slither.

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

McCain and O'Bama

Two Irish guys duking it out to become the next President of the United States. With the exception of their √Čire roots, no two candidates could be more different from one another - unless one of them had a vagina. Which, to be honest, has yet to be determined. O'Bama did have a suspicious camel toe in that infamous picture of him coming out of the water at the beach.

Here's one thing they do have in common - a blog! Both candidates have blogs linked to their official websites. Just like me, they write about the big whatever and hope their family and friends read what's on their mind.

I took the opportunity to meme them and have posted their responses.

1) Why do you blog?
a) Scarlett Johannsen thinks it's cool.

2) What are you listening to on your iPod?
a) "Mista Mista" by The Fugees. Mista mista/Can I get five dollars/So I can get something to eat/Hell no motherfucka/You can’t get no money from me. I have it as my ringtone.

3) What's your favorite TV show?
a) "24" - before they shot the black president.

4) If you were a gay man, what famous man would you like to marry?
a) Martin Luther King. As long as he promised not to fool around on me.

5) If you could change one thing about your appearance, what would it be?
a) My ears. They're too big. It makes it difficult to wear hats. I never know whether to tuck them in or not.

1) Why do you blog?
a) To keep you safe.

2) What are you listening to on your iPod?
a) That's not an iPod. It helps me hear better. However, when I get the opportunity, I like to crank up the portable record player and get pumped up to Abba's "Take A Chance On Me." If you change your mind, I’m the first in line/Honey I’m still free/Take a chance on me. Errr, I feel like I can take on the world! Or, at least Iran.

3) What's your favorite TV show?
a) "24" - Good tips.

4) If you were a gay man, what famous man would you like to marry?
a) I'm already married, so it would have to be an affair. George W. Bush. Hell, I'm already in bed with him. May as well seal the deal. Joe Lieberman would be up there, but I don't want to have to explain to mom why a j-e-w is sneaking out of the house.

5) If you could change one thing about your appearance, what would it be?

a) I would like to have not had cancer. Or be old. But you said just one thing.


Yesterday, I asked...

"Judge Pete Zahra in Australia halted a drugs trial because several jurors admitted to doing what during proceedings?"

33% said "Texting"

No one said "Sleeping" or "Drugs"

67% got it right with "Sudoku"

According to BBC News, Judge Peter Zahra aborted proceedings after the jury forewoman admitted she and four others had been playing the popular puzzles to fight off boredom. The problem was discovered when some of the jurors were observed writing notes vertically rather than horizontally. The three-month trial had cost taxpayers more than A$1m (US$945,000) and the two accused men faced possible life sentences.

Nothing like being judged by a jury of your peers.

See, this is the problem with courtroom dramas. Shows like Law and Order make it look too exciting. What a let down to finally be on a jury and discover how inane and tedious the whole thing is. These jurors should not be thrown off the jury. The defender, the prosecutor, and, yes, even the witnesses should be told to spice it up a bit. The accused should be encouraged to have emotional and physical outbursts. Friends and relatives should be openly wailing and gnashing their teeth. Clearly, these folks don't need justice. They need a drama coach.

Monday, June 16, 2008

Tim Russert and the 27 Virgins

As I am sure you know by now, Tim Russert, host of Meet the Press, passed away suddenly last Friday afternoon. He was one of my favorite television journalists. A big guy with a down-to-earth approach and an easy-going sense of humor. He had a very grounded presence and just had a great way of making sense of things. He will be sorely missed as we go into this very important presidential election.


Good friend and founding member of Soiree Dada, Circus-Szalewski has officially and finally(!) moved to Los Angeles. I was fortunate enough to catch up with him at the Green Mill last night. The Dada boys have haunted that place and it was a fitting venue for his departure. It was also an opportunity for Circus and Julie to meet. As Julie put it, "For a guy named Circus, he's pretty normal. He might just be the most normal friend you have."


The assignment this week is to write about heaven. Your concept of heaven, a well accepted concept of heaven, or even just a situation where someone's dreams come true. It's a good opportunity for some social satire by taking a closer look at "wouldn't it be great dreams" and seeing that, on closer inspection, they may not be so great.

I'll give you an example by sharing an idea I am working on. I am fascinated by suicide bombers and that what seems to be one of their primary motivations - that they will be greeted in heaven by 27 virgins. For heaven, that sounds like a pretty naughty proposition. There must be a catch.

Let's explore a closer look with a list of ten...

1) They're all babies.
2) They're all virgins for a reason - all very grotesque.
3) Nope. It's 100% true and they are all on the same cycle.
4) It's true and they all really act like virgins. They want the time to be right. They want to make sure you really love them, etc.
5) It's true and shortly they are all pregnant and you have to raise 27 kids.
6) They are all exceptionally inexperienced and just not getting the hang of this sex thing.
7) They're all guys.
8) It's a mixed bag of all these because they had a tough time finding 27 virgins.
9) They are all in competition with the others and don't get along. They act like it's The Bachelor.
10) They don't like him. They all act like entitled sorority girls and make the suicide bomber feel belittled and out of place.

Lots of possibilities. I like the last one a lot. I also like the one where they really are virgins and act like it. There are others I like, but they are more like short one-joke blackouts, like "babies" or "all guys." If I want to write a full scene, I need something that will demand more character development.

So, pick your heaven. And then start poking holes in it. Have fun.


On Friday, I asked...

"Barack Obama has a new website addressing rumors about him called what?"

25% said ""
- That's fine, but he'll also need a .com for IAmNotAMarxist, IAmNotAnElitist, IAmNotRacist, IAmNotUnpatriotic and IAmNotTheAntichrist.

9% said ""
- I liked this one because it reminded me of the offensively titled childhood game of Smear the Queer. It was the only game where I was labeled a queer for catching a ball.

8% said ""
- If urls had subtext, this would be it.

58% got it right with ""

According to the International Herald Tribune, after trying for months to bat down a swirl of wild rumors in more conventional ways, the presidential campaign of Barack Obama started a Web site last Thursday intended to quash such reports. The site,, lists - and seeks to explode - these rumors.

This is probably a good idea. Most candidates will ignore the rumors and try not to dignify them with comments. That doesn't make them go away. The only thing it ignores is that people anxiously willing to buy into rumors are probably not likely to check their validity.

But all the rumor refuting in the world isn't going to make me vote for a guy the right wing tells me doesn't wear a flag pin, has Hussein for a middle name and flashes terrorist signs to his wife at rallies. McCain has shrewdly changed his campaign slogan to "I'm white."

Friday, June 13, 2008

You Say Tomato, I Say Knob of Red Death

From over at The Huffington Post...

WASHINGTON — The toll from salmonella-tainted tomatoes jumped to 228 illnesses Thursday as the government learned of five dozen previously unknown cases and said it is possible the food poisoning contributed to a cancer patient's death.

The Food and Drug Administration has not pinpointed the source of the outbreak. With the latest known illness striking on June 1, officials also are not sure if all the tainted tomatoes are off the market.

On the do-not-eat list are raw red plum, red Roma or red round tomatoes, unless they were grown in specific states or countries that the FDA has cleared because they were not harvesting when the outbreak began or were not selling their tomatoes in places where people got sick.

The FDA is directing consumers to its Web site _ _ for updated lists of the safe regions.

Read the full article HERE.

In spite of only three types of in-organically grown tomatoes being suspected, restaurants nationwide are throwing out their tomatoes by the heaping bushels. Leaving many homeless people, rats and struggling mortgage holders dining on the possibly tainted swollen red fruit. It's typical of we Americans to overreact to any slightly threatening situation (Freedom Fries, anyone?). No one has died. Except for that guy who had cancer. My heart goes out to him. It would be my luck to go that way. He had received good news about his condition and was out celebrating. "Hey, Everybody! The doctor's say my cancer is in remission. Let's party! Hey, this salsa is fantas-C-R-O-A-K!"

The result is a lot of wasted tomatoes. More waste than asking Paris Hilton to rehearse for a film role. The green in me cannot stand for such foolishness. These red tomatoes need to be utilized.

Mr. and Mrs. America, pick up your Lycopersicon esculentum! Don't throw them out. Throw them at a target. Tossing a spoiled tomato at a lame performer is a time-honored tradition long forgotten in entertainment.

Sadly, not everyone goes to see live performances anymore, so we have to pick new targets.

Keep a basket of tomatoes near the recliner while watching the television. Some particularly good targets include...

- John McCain whenever he gets that awkward smile and tries to be funny. "That's change we can believe in-PLOOP!"

- Bankruptcy attorneys doing their own commercials. "I'm Peter Francis Gera-KER-SMOOSH!"

- Fox News Anchors - "A knowing glance or did Obama use a terrorist left eyebrow raise? - SMOCK-PLOOSH!" (They get two tomatoes.)

Keep some near the window so you can drop them on dog owners who let their canines poop anywhere on your path from the front door to your car.

Pack a few in your glove compartment for that asshole who honks his or her car horn right behind you when the slow down is being caused far ahead of you.

Take them to the movies and use them on patrons chatting on cellphones. "Where you at-SMACKEESH!"

For you traditionalists, Legally Blond - The Musical, is coming to Chicago. Seats available at (plug!). I hear salmonella red is the new pink.


Hey! After taking a week off for a wedding surplus, we return. Saturday at 1pm at Gorilla Tango, 1919 North Milwaukee near Western. Bring your sketches, bring your ideas, bring your funny voices, leave with a better scene and an idea or two for a new scene. $5.


Yesterday, I asked...

"An obscenity trial in San Francisco was suspended when what was discovered?"

57% said "People observing the trial were caught masturbating."
- The trench coats in June were a dead giveaway. That and the pulsating squishy sound.

14% said "The defendant is a nudist minister."
- Do not take communion from this man. Not someone I want to kneel down in front of to eat of the body.

No one thought it was "The prosecutor collects videos of school girls."

28% got it right with "The judge posted porn to his own website."

According to The Associated Press, Alex Kozinski is more accustomed to appearing on lists to fill U.S. Supreme Court vacancies than headlines involving pornographic scandals.

But on Wednesday, the chief judge of the country's largest federal appeals court was forced to suspend an obscenity trial he was presiding over after sexually explicit images posted to his personal Web site became public.

Kozinski, 57, told the Times he thought the material on his site, which included a video of a man cavorting with a sexually aroused farm animal, couldn't be seen by the public. The judge said he didn't believe any of the images were obscene.

Not obscene? Is it an artistic romp with a goat? Was the man playfully seduced by the goat ala Tom Jones? Was it filmed by Ingmar Bergman? Nanny and Alexander? Did it make it okay because the goat was a female? A male goat would have really been obscene. Did it avoid being obscene because the man in the video is a Capricorn, thus making it symbolic of his struggle for meaning in the universe?

If this judge needs a lawyer, he should call me.

In the meantime, I hope his robes are salmonella resistant.

Thursday, June 12, 2008

Newz Quis

Yesterday, I asked...

"Specifically for Muslim women, there's an operation now available that does what?"

16% said "Helps one be obedient to one's husband"
- There's a name for that operation. It's called a pre-nup.

9% said "Keeps one from sweating in one's burka"
- No operation needed. Use the new Speedo mesh burka.

No one said "Makes one's butt bigger"

75% got it right with "Restores virginity"

According to the International Herald Tribune, the surgery in the private clinic off involved one semicircular cut, 10 self-dissolving stitches and a discounted fee of $2,900.

But for the patient, a 23-year-old French student of Moroccan descent from Montpellier, the 30-minute procedure represented the key to a new life: the illusion of virginity.

Like an increasing number of other Muslim women in Europe, she had a "hymenoplasty," a restoration of her hymen, the thin vaginal membrane that normally breaks during the first act of intercourse.

"In my culture, not to be a virgin is to be dirt," said the student, perched on a hospital bed as she awaited surgery Thursday. "Right now, virginity is more important to me than life."

These people really need to stop romanticizing that whole virginity thing. Any guy will tell you that a woman who's a little dirty is a lot more fun in the bedroom than someone who is pure. And having the illusion of purity means you're willing to start off your marriage with a lie. Lying should really come later. Like when your husband discovers someone else's beard hairs on your burka.

Wednesday, June 11, 2008

Seriously - Impeach Bush!

Support Rep. Kucinich's Articles of Impeachment

Rep. Dennis Kucinich performed a heroic service for our Nation by introducing 35 Articles of Impeachment against President George W. Bush.

Rep. Kucinich thoroughly research and and documented every single article. Any one Article would be sufficient grounds for impeaching Bush and removing him from office; taken together, the case for impeachment is overwhelming and urgent.

Here are just a few...

Article I
Creating a Secret Propaganda Campaign to Manufacture a False Case for War Against Iraq.

Article II
Falsely, Systematically, and with Criminal Intent Conflating the Attacks of September 11, 2001, With Misrepresentation of Iraq as a Security Threat as Part of Fraudulent Justification for a War of Aggression.

Article III
Misleading the American People and Members of Congress to Believe Iraq Possessed Weapons of Mass Destruction, to Manufacture a False Case for War.

Article IV
Misleading the American People and Members of Congress to Believe Iraq Posed an Imminent Threat to the United States.

Article V
Illegally Misspending Funds to Secretly Begin a War of Aggression.

Is it all about Iraq? Nope...

Article XXVIII
Tampering with Free and Fair Elections, Corruption of the Administration of Justice.

Article XXIX
Conspiracy to Violate the Voting Rights Act of 1965.

Article XXX
Misleading Congress and the American People in an Attempt to Destroy Medicare.

Article XXXI
Katrina: Failure to Plan for the Predicted Disaster of Hurricane Katrina, Failure to Respond to a Civil Emergency.

Article XXXII
Misleading Congress and the American People, Systematically Undermining Efforts to Address Global Climate Change.

Article XXXIII
Repeatedly Ignored and Failed to Respond to High Level Intelligence Warnings of Planned Terrorist Attacks in the US, Prior to 911.

Article XXXIV
Obstruction of the Investigation into the Attacks of September 11, 2001.

Article XXXV
Endangering the Health of 911 First Responders.

You can read all 35 of them HERE.

Leading democrats have continued to speak out against impeachment simply dismissing it as "off the table and justifying the complacency with "too much of a distraction." Yes, murder, mismanagement, unnecessary war and being a douche bag are distracting. But this guy and his henchmen are criminals. Our founding fathers would have tarred and feathered them and ran them out of DC long ago.

Show your support for justice by taking thirty seconds to fill this form out at

It will automatically send e-mails to your representatives in congress saying you support holding the Bush administration accountable for their crimes.

Look. I know. Kucinich kind of looks like a weenie. Like a sickly elf with a bad toupee. But he's been the only one in congress with balls enough to stand up for justice, America and the American people while Bush and Cheney have been trying to shove the constitution and the bill of rights through a paper shredder.


Yesterday, I asked...

"Mayawati, the cheif minister of the northern India state of Uttar Pradesh, ordered officials to replace a statue of herself because why?"

50% said "It made her butt look big."
- Nobody told her that bronze adds ten pounds.

25% said "It didn't reflect her new nose."
- Nope. Same old nose.

12% said "It didn't have arms."
- Venus de Mayawati?

13% got it right with "It was shorter than the other statues."

According to The Associated Press, Mayawati, the 5-foot tall chief minister of the northern India state of Uttar Pradesh, ordered officials to replace a 12-foot bronze statue of herself with a larger one because it was 3 feet shorter than nearby statues of other leaders.

It was three feet smaller because she's three feet smaller than the other leaders!

The combined cost of Mayawati's first statue and the one that replaced it last week was an estimated $950,000 — no small fee in a region of India notorious for its bad roads, spotty electricity and endemic poverty.

I think she has a future in America.

Here she is posing with her new statue.

Tuesday, June 10, 2008

Hey, Look to Your Left - A Sponsor!

Well, exciting things happening here. After several long meetings with upper management over the weekend at the International BS headquarters in Tulsa, we have decided to accept the offer of a sponsor. That's why the page looks different. Thought I'd gussie up a bit. VividSeats seems like a cool company. They are a Chicago-based service offering a friendly alternative to TicketBastard. Click on the image to the left to go to their website and use the code for 5% discount. Let me know how your experience is with them, too.

So, this means I am being paid to blog! How about them apples? I better start writing something good. So...Um...

Oh! Here's something you might not know. PopTarts - which used to be one of my favorite food groups - aren't vegetarian. They contain gelatin. A healthier alternative is Nature's Path's Toaster Pastries. They are yummy and even have flavors like cherry-pomegranate. You can find them at Trader Joe's, Whole Foods and sometimes in the organic health food section of the mainstream grocery stores.

There! I hope that info was worth the dollar a day I'm pulling in now.


Yesterday, I asked...

"An American military supercomputer just set a calculation speed record. It is named what?"

37% said "Wile E. Coyote, Super Genius"
- By Acme. It is the fastest computer. When thrown off a cliff.

25% said "Taz"
- The cartoon version of HAL? "Good afternoon, gentlemen. I am a TAZ 9000 computer. I became operational at the T.A.Z. plant in Urbana, Illinois on the 12th of January 1992. My instructor was Mr. Langley, and he taught me to sing a song. If you'd like to hear it I can sing it for you. And then eat you."

12% said "Speedy Gonzales"
- A very fast computer. Just not very good at hopping fences. (Go Redskins!)

And 25% calculated it correctly with "Roadrunner"

According to the International Herald Tribune, an American military supercomputer, assembled from components originally designed for video game machines, has reached a long-sought-after computing milestone by processing more than 1.026 quadrillion calculations per second. The new $133 million supercomputer, called Roadrunner in a reference to the state bird of New Mexico, was devised and built by engineers and scientists at IBM and Los Alamos National Laboratory, based in Los Alamos, New Mexico. It will be used principally to solve classified military problems to ensure that the nation's stockpile of nuclear weapons will continue to work correctly as they age.

Here's a picture of the computer from AP Photo. It's going to require a lot of birdseed.

Monday, June 9, 2008



We are in rehearsals for a play I wrote a dozen years ago. Pretty wild. I am hearing actors unfamiliar with
Soiree Dada or the original production discussing things never considered the first time around. In the play, there's is a scene where the dadas are debating - more like lamenting - about whether or not to take an offer to go to The New York. They are eventually swayed by their mutual hatred for futurism embodied by an ass of a man named Haliday played in the original production wonderfully by Lori McClain(!).

Last night we talked about Futurism and why they should care about what this guy thinks.

Furturism started in Italy about a decade ahead of dada. It was art in all classic forms with a disdain for the past and an embrace of the modern, especially in architecture and technology. In the 1920's, they were strongly linked with fascism and Mussolini.

There was a natural antagonism between Dada and Futurism not unlike Oscar Madison (Messy Dada) and Felix Unger (Anal Futurism). Futurism also glorified war where Dadaism was born, in part, out of distaste for such nasty things. Dada, being newer, also might be accused of stealing Futurism's thunder of being the hot, new thing. Both forms wrote passionate manifestos about their art, but only the Futurists took them seriously. Dada manifestos would even call out Futurism.

futurism wants to mount in an artistic lyricism-elevator WHAT DOES DADA DO?

The Futurist is dead. Of What? Of DADA

Speaking of Art

My cousin Nate's exhibition runs through July 13th. I mistakenly thought it was June 13th. Go see it. He is prominently featured at the Jack Gallery and images on the web don't do his artwork justice. It is all hand painted and very vibrant. His latest work is right in the main window at the entrance.

It was great getting caught up with Nate, his girlfriend and his parents. And I was proud to hear that Nate was stirring up some controversy in my home town by being outspoken about the long overdue change to the name of the high schools sports teams - The Redskins. When you grow up with it, it's hard to see it. Even I have been late in thinking that Port Clinton High School should consider another name. But, seriously, the redskins? It really is as offensive as calling them The Chinks or The Coloreds. There's concern that the alternative is the most obvious choice for the region and not necessarily a good one, The Walleyes. The Fighting Walleyes. I can see the point. Sounds like the team is made up of special needs students.
Go Walleyes!


Michael Brownlee and Karyn Morris (now Brownlee) tied the knot this last Saturday during rain and tornado sirens in the humid jungles of south central Wisconsin. Regardless of the weather, everyone was in good spirits and it was a touching ceremony. Even if the minister looked like Snidely Whiplash. Julie and I got a hotel room about an hour away and, even though we dealt with some torrential rain, didn't have any difficulty getting there or leaving. Unlike Don, who played trumpet for them.


On Friday, I asked...

"Graduates of Westlake High School in Ohio got a surprise when they noticed which misspelled word on their diplomas?"

40% said "gradation"
- What they really meant was de-gradation.

10% said "diphloma"
- Fortunately, they have a vaccine for that.

10% said "satisfartorily"
- Nope. That's just me trying to work the word "fart" into my blog.

40% got it right with "educaiton"

According to The Associated Press,
Westlake High School officials misspelled "education" on the diplomas distributed two weekends ago. Principal Timothy Freeman says he sent back the diplomas once to correct another error. When the diplomas came back, no one bothered to check things they thought were right the first time. The publisher has reprinted the diplomas a second time and sent them to the 330 graduates. All a part of George W. Bush's "No Chid Left Behind" program.

FYI - The name of Westlake High School's sports teams? The Demons. Or is it, the Demins? Go evil!