Written By Joe Janes
15 of 365
(Lights up on Mee, Oh and Steal, all wearing karate uniforms. Steal is a large man, perhaps overweight, and has a shaved head. Steal is downstage left while Mee and Oh stand behind him upstage right.)
STEALMany martial arts techniques began with a master observing animals in nature – the praying mantis, the monkey, the crane – all inspired a myriad of fighting styles. But none can compete with my own copyrighted style of hand-to-hand combat – Kat Jitsu!
(The three raise their hands like front paws and give a short HISS!)
STEAL (continuing)I’m Steal Mahoney, former Navy Seal and three-time black belt champ. I spent many years observing domesticated house cats. I was an unemployed karate instructor and avid Bruce Lee fan with a broken VCR. Then I noticed my two cats, Mr. Peepers and Li’l Steal, going at it. That’s when Kat Jitsu was born. Kat Jitsu!
(The three raise their hands like front paws and hiss, again.)
STEAL (continuing)At my award winning Kat Jitsu Academy, learn to incapacitate your opponent by curling up on his chest and falling asleep.
(Mee and Oh demonstrate. Oh drops Mee to the ground, curls up on his chest and starts purring)
STEAL (continuing)With my patented technique, learn the fine art of lock and awe!
(Mee and Oh bat at each other, each with only their upstage arms, then quickly lock all their arms together and stare at each other)
STEAL (continuing)In your very first free introductory class, you will learn to divert your enemy’s attention by licking yourself.
(Mee and Oh demonstrate. They are batting at each other; Mee suddenly stops, looks away, and starts licking himself. Oh looks baffled.)
STEAL (continuing)Never be frightened to walk alone down a dark alley ever again. Anyone can do Kat Jitsu. Even elderly pregnant women in wheel chairs.
(Mee stuffs a pillow under his uniform as Oh puts a gray wig on him. Mee gets into a wheelchair. Oh approaches him pretending to have a gun, just using his fingers.)
STEAL (continuing)All you need to do is be able to look adorable, which I will teach you.
(Mee looks adorable, cocking his head to the side and raising his hands outward up to his chest. Oh, smitten, throws the “gun” away and rubs Mee’s belly. Mee grabs Oh’s arm and begins kicking him in short, quick kicks with his legs.)
STEAL (continuing)It does help if you don’t really need the wheel chair. Steal Mahoney’s Kat Jitsu Academy. You’re already a pussy, now learn to defend yourself! Kat Jitsu!
(The three recreate their paws up pose and hiss. Blackout.)