Friday, February 8, 2008

There's Something Happening Hair

Disappointed, America. I am very disappointed. What's happened to you? Are we changing the criteria for which we evaluate our presidential candidates?

Historically speaking, we have always voted for the fella with the best hair. I am puzzled (and still very much disappointed) at Mitt Romney and John Edwards dropping out of the race. The two candidates with the best headlocks possibly ever. Edwards was criticized for getting $400 haircuts, but dammit, you can't deny that you didn't see every dollar right there on his scalp.

It was no surprise when Rudy Giulliani - whose name I won't even look up to see if I am spelling right - dropped out. He never should have dropped his comb over look from his pre-9/11 days. It was working for him. It was keeping the terrorists at bay. Terrorists respect hair coverage. That's why they wear turbans and such. To cover their bald shame. And speaking of 9/11, did Rudy really think evoking the tragedy of 9/11 would make us stop thinking about the tragedy of his chrome trailer hitch head? What was he thinking? The only president with less hair was Ford, and guess what, he wasn't elected! And he lost to Carter, one of the best collections of follicles ever in the White House.

I know, I know...what about Eisenhower, Mr. Smarty-Pants? Eisenhower was a general first and, thanks mostly to George S. Patton, we expect and prefer our generals to be bald.

Think about it. The only advantage George W. Bush had over John Kerry and Al Gore is that he had, and has, better hair. Clinton's sassy salt-and-pepper look certainly was no match for Bush, Sr's walking Brylcream ad. Bush, Sr was up against Dukakis, who suffered from a similar hair condition as Kerry known as "hair helmet." Too much of a good thing.

Nixon won running against McGovern and Hubert Humphrey - both bald guys and one of them named Hubert!

But what about Reagan, you ask? I'll tell you about Reagan, Sir! He was older than God and his hair was all slick and raveny.

By now, it has probably crossed your mind that "Hey, Joe. Don't you have male pattern baldness?" If the pattern of which you speak is "gone," than yes. I am. Which makes me all the more qualified to speak and it is the number one factor that keeps me from running for office myself. Number one! Money is second. Third is that overly documented, well publicized week I spent doing blow and bonking hookers and farm animals in Tiajuana.

But with Edwards and Romney gone, how are we supposed to judge our candidates? Look at McCain, Huckabee, Obama and Clinton. Nothing special going on there. Maybe they'll bring hats back in fashion. I'd like to vote for the candidate with the spiffiest chapeau.

Romney and Edwards aren't fools, though. They are clearly positioning themselves for vice-president positions. When Americans come to their senses and stop judging their candidates on issues and character, they'll be back in 2012 with their hair stylists in tow.


On Tuesday, March 4th bloggers and fans of bloggers around the world are invited to do a Cyber Shout - "Impeach Bush Now!" Post it wherever you can. Still not sure if you should hop on this bandwagon? There's actually an "Impeach Bush" website. And it's a ""! Check it out and then make some noise with us.


Back and ready for action. New place, new time. Gorilla Tango, 1919 North Milwaukee (near Western) from 1pm to 3pm. $5. Bring in scenes. Have them read. Do a little dance. Make a little love.


Yesterday, I asked...

"Which celebrity does Arizona Sheriff Joe Arpaio want to recruit to help go after illegal aliens?"

28% said "Sylvester Stallone"
- How do you go after criminals who don't speak English? Send in someone who barely speaks it himself.

14% said "Clint Eastwood"
- Clint Eastwood may be old, but he's tough. I'm sure he can kick my ass. Hell, Clint Howard could kick my ass. But I think Clint Eastwood is too busy being, well, Clint Eastwood.

15% said "Sigourney Weaver"
- She only goes after illegal aliens that like to implant eggs in people's stomachs.

43% got it right with "Shaquille O'Neal"

According to The National Ledger, the Phoenix Suns have a new center in Shaquille O'Neal. Now the world famous "America's toughest sheriff" Joe Arpaio of Maricopa County Arizona wants to put Shaq to work when he is not running up and down the court from the Suns. The sheriff added, ``I'm glad he's coming out to my turf. I'm hoping we'll recruit him for our posse. Maybe we'll go after illegal immigrants and other crime." Posse? Who is this guy? Is he going after illegal aliens or injuns?