Week 48, Day 335 - "A Signing From God"

“A Signing From God”

Written by Joe Janes

12/19/09

335 of 365

Cast

Rev. Arnold, 50s

Thea, 50s

Wally, 60s

(Lights up on the alter of a Unity Church. Rev Arnold is singing along with the rest of the congregation. Thea stands to the side signing the lyrics.)

REV. ARNOLD AND THEA (singing)

-And the Lord loves us all

Regardless of religion

Wants us all to get along

Even just a smidgen

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh-mennnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnn

REV. ARNOLD (speaking)

Please be seated. I want to thank everyone for all the cards and letters and many, many dishes of tuna noodle casserole. Many of you have expressed your sadness at my wife Estelle’s mysterious and sudden disappearance a month ago. Your support and love has helped me through a very difficult time. Many of you have suggested, with good intentions, that I take time off. Allow myself to grieve and heal. I even booked a trip to Italy. However, after some prayer and meditation, and a warning from the police not to leave town, I reconsidered. The greatest way I know to mend my heart is through your love. And while I hope and pray for Estelle’s safe return after our winter camping trip in the mountains of Montana, I believe that God has a plan. For me. And for Thea.

THEA (Stops signing)

What?

REV. ARNOLD

Thea. I believe it was God’s plan to remove the obstacle that was Estelle out of the way of our unspoken, unacknowledged passion.

(Wally, a deaf man in the front row, starts waving his hands.)

WALLY

What is he saying?

THEA (signing)

He’s saying he’s glad Estelle is gone and that he wants me!

REV. ARNOLD

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Thea, that’s not what I’m saying at all. (He walks close to her and holds her hands.) I loved Estelle-

THEA

Loved? She’s only been missing a month.

REV. ARNOLD

Love, loved. Let’s not argue about God’s plan for us.

THEA

How do you know this is God’s plan?

WALLY

Let her speak!

(Thea breaks holding hands with Rev. Arnold.)

THEA

I don’t see how I could possibly be a part of God’s plan for you, Rev. Arnold.

REV. ARNOLD

After Estelle didn’t return to the tent after leaving to go to the bathroom in sub-zero degree temperatures, I prayed. I prayed to the Lord for a vision. The vision I had was of you, Thea. You were floating above me like an angel. Wings spread, halo glowing, flowing pure whites robes that the wind, like the breath of God, tore away as you descended down upon me, naked. We began kissing. Freddy Mercury and Queen rose from the earth and played “We Are The Champions” as Penelope Cruz removed my clothes and Selma Hayek licked my back. You grew four more arms and put them in every conceivable nook and cranny of my body. It was…heaven.

WALLY

Were you praying or pulling your pud?

REV. ARNOLD (signing, sort of)

Don’t sully the will of the Lord in his house, Wally. I love this woman.

WALLY

Doesn’t answer the question!

REV. ARNOLD (Thea signs)

While I am passionate about the Lord, no pud was pulled.

WALLY

The Lord is my Viagra!

REV. ARNOLD (Thea signs)

It was in this vision that I realized, Thea, that I loved you. Every Sunday, you volunteer your time to sign my sermons. I noticed over the years that I would even put in certain words just to see you interpret them. Words like love, wish, and underwear.

THEA

Rev. Arnold, I love your sermons. They have meant so much to me. What if Estelle is found and comes back?

REV. ARNOLD

Estelle’s fate is in God’s hands. And under twenty feet of snow in a crevasse. (Pause) Or so the lord may or may not have told me in a non-sexual holy vision.

(Thea and Rev. Arnold are about to kiss. The tension mounts and is interrupted by…)

WALLY

Tell us more about the Lord’s underwear!

(Blackout)

Week Five, Day Thirty-Four - "Once Upon A Time in the Church Basement "

“Once Upon A Time in the Church Basement”
Written by Joe Janes
2/21/09
34 of 365

CAST:
Edna, 70s
Doris, 70s
Mart, 70s

(Lights up on a prim and proper Edna counting money from a cash box. Her hair is held up with chopsticks. Doris is packing boxes while Mart is folding chairs and stacking them. Mart is keeping an eye on Edna.)

DORIS

I am so glad that my handmade knitted wool potholders were the first thing to sell at this year’s rummage sale. The whole set. I put so much time into them.

MART

Don’t they sell every year?

DORIS

I bring them every year. This was the first year I sold any. But, who knows? Maybe it will be the start of something.

MART

You might want to try something different next year.

DORIS

If it works, don’t fix it.

MART

Wool may not be the best choice for a potholder. (Doris clearly doesn’t get it) If you had to pick up a hot pot off your stove and you happened to be out of potholders and you reached into your closet, would you grab a wool sweater or heavy cotton sweatshirt?

DORIS

I’d use my potholders. Which have pigs on them.

MART

Of course.

(Edna finishes counting and looks concerned. She quickly recounts and checks it against a clipboard.)

EDNA

Mart. Count this.

MART (taking money)

Something wrong?

EDNA

Probably just my tired eyes.

(Mart counts)

DORIS

If my potholders didn’t sell, I was going to just give them to St. Jehoshaphat’s. They’re doing their rummage sale next week. Maybe they could sell them. I’m glad I didn’t have to do that. They’re Catholic. Not that that’s a big deal, but they’re just too Catholic for me. Who goes to church on a Wednesday night? Sunday morning’s all you need.

MART

187.

DORIS

That’s good, right? Sounds better than last year.

EDNA

Should be 202. We’re fifteen dollars short.

DORIS

Oh, my heavens.

EDNA

I checked the dollars against the sales sheet. Fifteen dollars is missing.

MART (looking at clip board)

Maybe the sales sheet is wrong. Maybe something got checked off that shouldn’t have.

EDNA

I have been running the St. Bart Rummage Sale for fifteen years in a row.

DORIS

Except for that one year.

EDNA

Except for that one year.

DORIS

When you had your eyes worked on.

EDNA

They needed it. The doctor recommended it.

MART

Carrying a lot of baggage, were you?

EDNA

The point being, in all my years in charge of the rummage sale, the books have always balanced to a penny. To a penny.

MART

Well, I don’t know what to tell you. It’ll probably turn up. (She puts on her coat) I have to go home and put dinner on for Ned. If I don’t, he’ll eat all the ribbon candy and then fuss with his dentures all night.

(Edna blocks her from exiting)

EDNA

You’re not leaving. No one is leaving. Not until find the culprit.

MART

The culprit?

EDNA

Fifteen dollars doesn’t just get up on its own and do a jig out the door.

(Mart sighs.)

MART

Okay. Fifteen minutes and then I’m out of here.

DORIS

She said fifteen.

EDNA

Interesting number of minutes you happened to pick, Mart. Is that number on your mind? Are you feeling guilty about anything?

MART

Yeah, it’s on my mind because we keep talking about it and it sounded like a decent number of minutes. But if it makes you feel better, okay, 12 and a half minutes and I’m out the door. Do you want my help or not?

EDNA

Sure. Help away.

MART

Well, did you do anything different this year from all the other years?

EDNA

The only thing different this year is that Althea Kuzman got a gopher-sized goiter and passed away and you replaced her.

DORIS

Poor Althea. Poor goiter.

MART

Edna, do you really want to accuse me of stealing money? Fifteen dollars? From a church rummage sale?

EDNA

I’m just saying you are the only thing different this year. You said all the rest. Hadn’t really considered it, but now I certainly am.

DORIS

I saw you put money in your purse!

MART

You did not!

DORIS

Yes. I did. When you were talking to Rod Libben about the rooster toaster cozy, you took money from him and out it in your purse.

MART

I was making him change. The cash box was all $20s. He gave me a twenty and I gave him a ten and two fives back. If I hadn’t, we’d have lost the sale.

EDNA

Good answer, Mart. Too good. Sounds like you may have committed the perfect crime.

MART

I volunteered because you needed help, Edna. And you’re repaying me by treating me like a criminal.

EDNA

Oh, I forgot to mention one thing that is definitely different this year, There’s a new policy. To help thwart thievery. No one leaves without me checking their purse.

(Edna grabs at Mart’s purse. They have a low-key no-win tug of war.)

MART

You will do no such thing.

DORIS

Sounds like something a guilty person would say. You can check my purse, Edna.

EDNA

One purse at a time, Doris. I’m interested in finding out what Mart here has to hide.

MART

You want to check, fine.

(She lets go and Edna stumbles back a bit. She starts going through the purse.)

EDNA

Used Kleenex…Several balls of wadded up used Kleenex…several loose cough drops…A wallet!...with a twenty dollar bill in it…

MART

Satisfied?

DORIS

If I were a crook, the last place I would hide the money is in my purse. That’s the first place anyone would look.

EDNA

Sometimes, Doris, you say the most brilliant things.

DORIS

I do?

EDNA

You do. Mart…strip.

MART

I have had enough of this. (Mart grabs back the purse; Edna retains her hold on it.)

EDNA

If the money’s not in the cashbox and not in your purse, then where is it?

MART

How should I know?

DORIS

She has an accomplice.

MART

You watch way too much TV, Doris.

DORIS

I only watch Cops!

(She also grabs the purse)

EDNA

What do you mean she had an accomplice?

DORIS

Rod Libben! I saw them giving each other the googlie eyes. There was something going on there. Bet Ned would be interested to know. He’s probably down at the Piggly-Wiggly throwing that fifteen dollars around like a drunk sailor on shore leave…in a grocery store. Buying meat. Good meat. Not “on sale” meat. For shame, Mart. For shame!

MART

Let go of my purse!

DORIS

Citizen’s arrest!

(Doris jumps on Mart and all three get tangled up and end up on the floor. They all three jump back up as quickly as they can brandishing weapons. Edna holds her chopsticks like a dagger, Mart has her purse, holding the straps like she might strangle someone, and Doris makes karate chop hands and says “Hi-Ya!” She realizes her hand are ineffective against their weapons. She looks around for something else and pulls off one of her shoes and says “Hi-Ya!” As Doris holds out the shoe, fifteen dollars falls out. )

MART

The money.

EDNA

Doris, how could you?

DORIS

What? That? That’s for emergencies.

EDNA (picks it up)

Exactly fifteen dollars. For emergencies?

DORIS

Very small emergencies?

MART

You were setting me up, Doris?

DORIS

I’m sorry, Mart. I was just trying to keep the heat off of me. Go ahead. Make a citizen’s arrest. (She goes down to her knees and puts her hands behind her head.) I’ll go quietly.

EDNA (going down to Doris)

Why, Doris? Why did you do it? If you needed fifteen dollars, I would have probably given it to you.

DORIS

I just wanted to finally sell my potholders. Every year I bring them, I even make new ones, every year, they just go back home and I end up using them coasters and little towels.

EDNA

Your potholders sold this year. It’s checked off the sales sheet.

DORIS

Nobody bought them. I bought them. I checked them off. (She pulls them out of her bra). If I was just going to end up taking them home with me, at least I could do it knowing you all thought they sold. Nobody wants wool potholders with smiling pigs on them.

EDNA (looking)

Oh, those are pigs.

MART

I thought it was Charles Durning.

EDNA

But why steal the fifteen dollars?

DORIS

I was going to give them to St. Jehoshaphat’s for their rummage sale next week and if they didn’t sell, I needed the money to buy them back.

MART

Too bad for St. Jehoshaphat’s.

EDNA

You’re not going to be able to give them the potholders.

DORIS

You mean, because they’re evidence?

MART

No, because I want to buy one.

EDNA

Me, too. I think Charles Durning is sexy.

MART

I can use them to set my candy dishes on. Ned’s ribbon candy denture drool tends to leave a ring.

DORIS

You’re both very sweet.

EDNA (helping her up)

Just trying to be a Good Samaritan. I’m sorry I got rough with you, Mart.

MART

I didn’t appreciate the accusations, but you found the fifteen dollars.

DORIS

Edna always gets her man.

(Doris hands them the potholders. Edna puts the fifteen dollars back in the cash box and adds five bucks. Mart puts in her twenty and Edna hands her change.)

DORIS (continuing)

I’m sorry I caused so much trouble. Good night. And God bless you. Both of you.

(She exits. Edna and Mart put on their jackets.)

MART

You were right. Something was fishy when her potholders sold.

(Edna hands her a black ski mask. They both put masks on.)

EDNA

Let’s go teach that bitch a lesson.

(They pound their fists and exit. Blackout.)