Week 26, Day 180 - “Angry Cow”

(This was posted after midnight Friday.)

“Angry Cow”
Written by Joe Janes
7/17/09
180 of 365

CAST
Billy, 40s
Ray, 40s

(Lights up on Ray and Billy in Billy’s basement den. Billy is looking at his watch. Ray is holding a glass. There is a small keg on a table before them.)

BILLY

And…it…is…now…almost…there! Ready!

RAY

You’re going to be the next Sam Adams, Billy.

BILLY

We’ll see, Ray. We’ll see. Hand me your glass.

(Billy taps the small keg and pours Ray a glass.)

BILLY

Wait. Don’t sip it, yet.

(Billy takes another glass and pours himself some.)

RAY

Ah, yes. Please join me in a drink, Sir.

BILLY

It would be my pleasure, Sir. Let us gentle men partake of our handcrafted beer.

RAY

Life’s lubricant.

BILLY

The true vessel of humanity.

RAY

To your own brand – What do you call it?

BILLY

I christen thee, Angry Cow.

RAY

A fitting tribute.

BILLY

My ticket to beer stardom.

RAY

My ticket to free beer.

(They clink their glasses and sip.)

BILLY

Not bad.

RAY

Not bad, at all.

BILLY

Michelle said I needed a hobby.

RAY

A man must fill his time with goodly deeds.

BILLY

I thought watching television was a worthwhile endeavor.

RAY

It’s not like you turn it on just to fill the void.

BILLY

Nor do I flip. I am not a channel flipper. I know what I want to watch when I want to watch it.

RAY

That takes forethought. You are a man with a plan.

BILLY

But Michelle thinks watching TV is watching TV, period. It’s unproductive.

RAY

Unproductive? Then why do TV shows have producers?

BILLY

I wish I had thought of that.

RAY

Now, you make beer.

BILLY

I am now a producer of beer in my basement den. I saw a documentary on the Food Network and I thought, “I can do that.”

RAY

Take that, Michelle.

BILLY

Life is about finding those opportunities.

RAY

Have you called the bank, yet?

BILLY

No. How long does it take to get your wife’s name off your credit cards?

RAY

Took no time at all to take Julie’s name off my cards. You just have to call.

BILLY (pouring himself more beer)

I’ll call after this beer.

(They sip.)

RAY

Anything on TV?

BILLY

I don’t know. Turn it on and see.

RAY (picking up remote and clicking it)

Take that, Angry Cow.

(Lights fade.)

Week 16, Day 108 - "Brace Beer"

“Brace Beer”
Written by Joe Janes
5/6/09
108 of 365

CAST:
PHIL
NANCY
BARTENDER
ANNOUNCER

(Lights up on Phil talking to Nancy sitting at a bar. They are looking friendly towards one another.)

PHIL

Wow, Nancy, I can’t believe this bar lets you have all the barbeque chicken wings you can eat. I must have eaten a whole chicken’s worth of chicken wings.

NANCY

Phil, I love a man who loves chicken wings.

PHIL

The only thing I love better is beer. Bartender? Two more over here.

NANCY

Phil, I love a man who loves beer.

BARTENDER

Two beers.

(They raise their beer bottles. Phil takes a sip and vomits.)

PHIL

Oh…oh…I’m so sorry. I guess I had too much of…everything.

NANCY

You disgust me, Phil.

ANNOUNCER

Don’t let failing to keep your beer down ever keep you from getting down. Next time, Phil, try Brace Beer.

PHIL

Brace Beer?

ANNOUNCER

Try it.

PHIL
I don’t think so, I just –

ANNOUNCER

Try it!

PHIL(gulp)

Ah, oogh, um, hey. It tastes pepperminty.

ANNOUNCER

Brace Beer soothes your stomach.

PHIL

Will Brace Beer keep me from – (vomits)

ANNOUNCER

Nope. But watch-

NANCY

Hey, who threw up…aw, little tiny roses.

PHIL

I did.

NANCY

That is so romantic. Come here, tiger, let’s have some more beer.

PHIL

Bartender, make it Brace Beer.

NANCY

Kiss me.

PHIL

But, I just-

(They kiss.)

NANCY

Mmmm. Like licking warm candy.

ANNOUNCER

Brace Beer – the party never has to stop, even when your body says it should. Anheiser-Boooooosh!

(Blackout)