Written by Joe Janes
10/22/09
277 of 365
Cast
Bernie, 40s
Len, 30s
(Lights up on a diner. Len is behind the counter cleaning shelves we cannot see. Bernie, in a dark suit and hat, enters. He walks with a slight limp. Len keeps his eye on him. Bernie keeps his eye on a spot outside the diner. He takes a seat at the counter, again, without looking at Len. He knocks on the counter. Len produces a cup of coffee. Bernie grabs it and takes a sip while his attention is still outside on something across the street. Bernie puts the mug back on the counter and taps again. Len produces a small decanter of cream and a sugar dispenser. Bernie points out the window until Len gets the hint and looks out. Bernie quickly adds cream and sugar to his coffee and takes another sip.)
BERNIE
Okay.
(Bernie goes back to looking out as Len goes back to looking at Bernie.)
LEN
I don’t even know what I’m watching.
BERNIE
Did you see anything at all?
LEN
No.
BERNIE
You did good.
(Len grabs a menu from under the counter and sets it in front of Bernie.)
BERNIE (continuing)
I ain’t hungry.
LEN
Burger and fries, then?
BERNIE
I ain’t hungry. I ate before I came.
LEN
What kind of jackass eats before coming to a diner?
(Len takes the menu back and walks off stage for a moment. Bernie keeps looking out. Bernie sees something. He takes out a small notepad and jots something down.)
LEN (re-enters)
What did I miss? The pope ride by on a unicycle?
BERNIE
Just doing my job.
LEN
Yeah. That’s what you’ve said every day this week. I wonder what the police think about your job.
BERNIE
I’m a dick.
LEN
No kidding.
BERNIE
My job is to keep an eye on that office across the street. There’s a secretary who works there who may or may not have loose bloomers. Her husband wants me to find out.
LEN
You think her bloomers are loose?
BERNIE
The way she’s built, ain’t nothing loose on that ship. But I think her boss may be swabbing her decks.
LEN
The brunette with the caboose.
BERNIE
That’s the one.
LEN
She walks by the window and I have to stop whatever I’m doing. Be a shame if that train only had one rider.
BERNIE
I like her better as a ship.
LEN
You’re the pro.
BERNIE
She ever come in here?
LEN
A dame like that? Never. If she came in here, I’d remove the stool she sat on, take it home, get it drunk and make love to it. (Bernie) What?
BERNIE
Stick to trains.
LEN
You gonna sit there all day and only drink one cup of coffee?
BERNIE
I’m here until she’s not there. Have to earn my fifty bucks a day.
LEN
How can you drink coffee all day and never get and go to the bathroom?
BERNIE
Thank Hitler.
LEN
I’d rather not.
BERNIE
Caught some shrapnel from a kraut grenade in a very bad place. I fight the Nazis and get thanked with the ability to pee through a rubber tube into a small bottle strapped to my leg.
LEN
You sit there and pee right there at my counter?
BERNIE
Any time I like.
LEN
You peeing right now?
BERNIE
Maybe I am, maybe I’m not. (He smiles at Len and quite possibly is relieving himself while doing it. Len looks away and can see the woman.)
LEN
Hey, Niagra. It’s dreamboat.
(Bernie sees her, too, and takes out his notebook, again. Len exits.) There she is, again. Filing. Filing very slowly. Very, very slowly.
(Bernie continues to watch and scribble. He stops. She has apparently moved away. He puts the notebook back in his jacket and sips more coffee. Len returns with a plate, a hamburger and fries. He sets it down in front of Bernie.)
BERNIE (continuing)
What’s this?
LEN
Just doing my job.
(Len sets down the bill. Steps back and crosses his arms. Bernie goes back to watching the office as he taps on the counter. Len produces a bottle of ketchup and salt and pepper. Bernie points. Len takes over being lookout as Bernie dresses his food. Lights fade.)
